“That was like being cornholed by Jesus,” JB said as we were crossing the parking lot to our car.

I can’t disagree, really. While the first twenty minutes or so of Book of Eli seemed promising, if annoyingly over-stylized (please note, when the End of the World As We Know It happens, the skies will be run through a heavily tinted filter and everything will look like a broodingly grainy music video, which is good news as I’m sure all the radioactivity and such will be harsh on the skin), the last twenty minutes were a butt-reaming straight from the heavens, complete with water-into-wine plot craziness and a carry-on-Christian-soldier final scene that drew actual applause from a few scattered audience members who apparently get spiritually moved by sinewy, duck-lipped actresses wearing improbably flattering post-apocalyptic clothing.

Even stoic, ass-kicking Denzel couldn’t save this Mad Max trainwreck, nor could the campily entertaining old-people-in-the-desert shootout in the middle which seemed to be randomly directed by Quentin Tarantino, and I’d like to know just when Gary Oldman hung his formidable acting chops in the coat closet and told his agent to accept any paper-thin villain character that comes his way, and seriously, MILA KUNIS IN END-OF-THE-WORLD SKINNY JEANS.

So there was that, a 7:15 viewing of Book of Eli, which I heartily recommend to anyone looking to test their faith. Beforehand, we spent about an hour and a half rambling around trying to find something to do between dinner and the movie, before (re)learning that everything in suburbia shuts down at 5 on a Sunday night, even the eternally ransacked-and-depressing Old Navy. Oh, and we had eaten at a conveyor belt sushi place, where we were the only patrons yet were inexplicably treated to Japanese techno at top volume. The plates rotated as sadly as the last items in baggage claim, where you stare and stare, hoping to find the one thing you’re looking for, but you only see the same five unappealing objects over and over again.

Total babysitter bust, is what I’m saying. The best part of the evening was when we came home, forked over the massive wad of cash it takes for us to leave the house without kids in tow, and turned on 30 Rock.

Not a stellar end to the weekend, but everything else was worthy: I ran 14 miles (!) on Saturday, we did a lot of cooking, the boys continued in their quest to send one another to the emergency room. Also, Dylan made a boat:

(Forgive me, but I can’t look at this—the clasped hands, the ear-to-ear smile—without hearing WHEEEEE in my head.)

How was your weekend?


39 Responses to “Personal Jesus”

  1. Jane on January 18th, 2010 11:22 am

    As for your next weekend out don’t see ‘The Lovely Bones’ … not much better than Eli for lots of reasons…

  2. Pete on January 18th, 2010 11:22 am

    ‘Book of Eli’, good to know. Might end up as a Netflix used to get rid of unwanted company. :-)

  3. Michelle on January 18th, 2010 11:38 am

    I have to agree with Jane on the “The Lovely Bones”. My husband and I went to see it yesterday and were fairly dissapointed. I had read the book and it was far, far better.

  4. KF on January 18th, 2010 11:40 am

    Thanks for the review!
    We had a pretty good weekend. We cleaned the house, I steamcleaned the carpet (with one of those 1990’s steamcleaners for which there are no built in scrubbers and the “vaccuum” doesn’t vac’ so good anymore) and we mainlined very bad scifi movies. To that mix, to keep our sanity and perspective, we injected a viewing of “the Prestige” which gets better every time I see it.
    Also we used recipe books given to us at our wedding to make meals we’ve never tried before. Only one of which was sucktastic.
    Final score: Weekend suckery 2, weekend nonsuckery 3. Nonsuckery wins.
    May you have a great week!

  5. Titanium on January 18th, 2010 12:03 pm

    Consider yourself a Savior of the very best kind: I would have been pissed to blow a wad of cash on a sitter to endure that horror on a rare date-night with my hubby.

  6. Susan on January 18th, 2010 12:08 pm

    HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! is what came out of me when I read: “That was like being cornholed by Jesus,”

  7. Bridget on January 18th, 2010 12:09 pm

    I’m so excited that you’re getting more into cooking! I hope you’re having some fun with it, as well as eating healthy tasty food!

  8. Christina on January 18th, 2010 12:10 pm

    Hmmm good to know about BOTH movies!

    We did a whole lot of nothing. I organized my four year old’s growing collection of Legos (seriously…) and we watched Bolt which ended in the four year old sobbing so hard he could not breath. Apparently he has discovered his emotions or something. Dog saving girl from fire = OVERLOAD. Granted, he was tired.

    We got the groceries done early… gawd it gets more and more pathetic the more I type! HEY, I know I spent a wad of money at Target so I guess that salavages the entire weekend. Heh. Here’s to a better week!

  9. Anonymous on January 18th, 2010 12:13 pm

    We blew the SAME WAD for that same horrific experience (not to mention there was someone who had brought their BABY to see that horrific violence – no wonder it was CRYING). We were planning on seeing ‘Its Complicated’ but we were running late. Lesson learned. I woke up soaked in sweat with a post-apocolyptic nightmare to top it all off at 1 am. BUT…we did have the first showing of our house for sale (could have been one of our nosy neighbors for all we know though).

  10. Marie Green on January 18th, 2010 12:13 pm

    Well, you’re out seeing movies I haven’t even HEARD OF, so you win for that. As in: E for Effort etc.

    This morning a friend was saying that a 2010 goal is 1 date/month. I’m really liking that idea.

  11. Clueless But Hopeful Mama on January 18th, 2010 12:20 pm

    We also blew our babysitting wad last night, with mixed results. We tried out a new restaurant (expensive and NOT GOOD.) and drove around our small town looking for things to do until we found a coffee shop that was open past 7 pm. (MIRACLE on little town street.) Played chinese checkers (are they still called that?) and watched the local teens posture and preen. Felt OLD. Then we came home and watched 30 Rock, too!

    Ah well, at least we got a reprieve from the usual bedtime dramas.

  12. Sonia on January 18th, 2010 12:21 pm

    Oh lord, did we just have a weekend? I couldn’t tell…..have been trapped in house with a sick kid for a WEEK. Maybe more, the days are all running together GETMEOUTOFHERE!!
    I did manage to vacuum on what I think might have been Saturday. The end.

  13. Leigh on January 18th, 2010 12:22 pm

    My weekend? Fun hanging with friends, really fun workouts with friends, cooked good food.

    The best part? Getting a call from my 15 year old to pick him up last night because he had 2 oz of vodka and was drunk out of his mind for the first time ever. Slurring, staggering, sleeping in his own vomit, the whole nine.

    I could not have asked for a better lesson. He is still cleaning the couch. He did NOT have fun.

    The hardest part was refraining from giggling while his drunk ass kept saying “Mom! I really, really love you…”

    Sigh. Raising a teenager is not for the faint hearted.

  14. Feast After Famine on January 18th, 2010 12:25 pm

    We couldn’t find a babysitter so we resorted to movies from Red Box.
    On Saturday: incredibly heart-wrenching, soul-crushing, could it be more depressing… “The Wrestler.”
    On Sunday: unexpectedly funny and genuinely suspenseful… “State of Play.”
    Oh, and I started Operation Pull Up. My effort to complete one legitimate, full-on pull up by the end of 2010.

  15. Jen_Ann_W on January 18th, 2010 12:27 pm

    Book of Eli = religious butt-rape. Duly noted!
    Me, I sat on my ass and watched a few episodes of Dexter, ordered pizza then felt guilty and made salad for the rest of my meals, then sat on my ass some more and watched Up. Which made me cry, so… wonderful. The bright side was finding a perfect new pair of jeans (Levis 545’s). Oh what exciting lives we lead…

  16. Lesley on January 18th, 2010 12:34 pm

    The Oldman who directed Nil By Mouth, one of the most intense, riveting and excruciating to sit through films, ever. Yes, what happened, Gary???

  17. Alina on January 18th, 2010 12:52 pm

    I went to the Chicago Tweet-up and Lo, it was good. Then again, no babies for building boats and saying “WEEEEE!” so, I guess it was a wash.

  18. Cass on January 18th, 2010 12:57 pm

    Agreed 100%. I did not want to go to the movie in the first place, but my husband was ever so eager. He really wanted to see “The Book Of Ellie (which is how he pronounced it.) I tried not to be negative and sigh through the whole thing. It was very, very hard. I stayed nice, even when my honey said he liked it. However, when we were talking about the movie the next day it was revealed that my hubby missed the whole “surprise twist” at the end. I was all “are you effing kidding me?” That was the whole point. I think he must have been sleeping…

  19. justmouse on January 18th, 2010 1:36 pm

    i liked book of eli. i enjoyed seeing a movie where someone was in possession of a bible that wasn’t a frothing at the mouth, drink-the-kool-aid, lunatic. i mean, i didn’t leave the theatre with a renewed love for life and humanity or anything, but i guess i don’t find the idea of God quite as offensive as many people do. other than that, i spent my weekend first: pretending i was 25 again, going to a club, and getting fall-down drunk, then secondly: sadly remembering on sunday morning that i am NOT 25 anymore, and going to work being more hungover than i’ve been in a long, long time. ok..lesson learned.

  20. Eric's Mommy on January 18th, 2010 1:36 pm

    My weekend was way too short.

  21. Ris on January 18th, 2010 1:37 pm

    I saw Sherlock Holmes. Word to the wise: don’t. Other than that, great weekend, and I didn’t have to work today (thanks, MLK)!

  22. haitian american family of three on January 18th, 2010 1:47 pm

    Worked on fundraising and food supplies for our creche in Haiti, worked on some textile designs, cried a lot, played with my kid and felt really, really grateful she is home.

  23. Kate on January 18th, 2010 2:09 pm

    Saturday I ran some errands, then a girlfriend called and invited me to go to the hockey game with her, so we zipped down to Everett and did that. It was fun to have a girls’ night, but my husband said “Something funny about two girls going to a hockey game, drinking beer, while the guys stay home with the kids.” I don’t think there’s anything funny about it at all! We like hockey! :) Sunday we puttered around the house then I loaded up the bored kids and took them to the Y to play in the pool. Would’ve liked a date night with Hubby but the budget for that is about NIL right now.

    Have a great week!

  24. MelV on January 18th, 2010 2:21 pm

    Now he just needs his flippy floppies….sorry i couldnt resist.

  25. Country-Fried Mama on January 18th, 2010 3:58 pm

    We spent our babysitting budget to go to a cooking class with a bunch of parents of young kids at which we learned several recipes that could never be made with young kids underfoot. FAIL.

  26. ginger on January 18th, 2010 3:59 pm

    It is your fault that I am now earwormed with Pet Shop Boys’ “In Suburbia”. Let’s take a ride, and run with the dogs tonight…

  27. Brenda on January 18th, 2010 4:19 pm

    hmmm…interesting to hear about Book of Eli. A lot of it was shot about 20 miles from my house in NM. I know a lot of people who were extras in the movie. I’m not really into that type of movie but want to see it just to look for peeps I know. May have to wait for pay-per-view or HBO.

  28. Lawyerish on January 18th, 2010 4:29 pm

    My weekend was filled with eye-bleeding work, but that’s neither here nor there.

    I feel like I’ve probably asked you this every time there’s been an awards show on, but do people tell ever tell you that you look sort of like Chloe Sevigny? During the Golden Globes last night, I kept thinking, DAMN, she looks like Linda. Except (a) you’re prettier (I think she’s lovely, but she’s a teeny bit on the severe side), (b) I am confident you would have worn a better dress than that floofy thing that did her boobs no favors, and (c) you are ten times more ripped than she is.

  29. Mychal on January 18th, 2010 5:33 pm

    My weekend was great. I ran the Phoenix Rock-n-Roll marathon yesterday (my first ever!). I finished in 5:24:04. I ran the first 11 miles without stopping but then had some trouble with side cramps. Despite that, I’m proud of my time because I know there was no way I could’ve done any better yesterday. I gave it my all.

    And I have to add that watching you get into all this health and exercise really inspired me last year, and I decided to get all healthy too. I lost 62 pounds and then decided to run the marathon. So, thanks for the inspiration and I can’t wait to hear about your half-marathon! Rock on!

  30. Brenda on January 18th, 2010 6:04 pm

    my youngest daughter moved in with her 3 month old. This is a good thing. Her boyfriend is worthless and I couldn’t stand the thought of that tiny baby around that jerk any longer, so I was so glad when I offered and she accepted. YA, so I have a newborn in the house and I’m recovering from surgery and have radiation daily and take a couple chemo pills nightly. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I guess I’m just a tad over protective.

  31. Falling on January 18th, 2010 6:09 pm

    My weekend? Was full of feeling guilty that I was happy my baby had juuuust enough of a cold to want to take nice long naps.

    Also, FYI: you could Photoshop any product into that picture of Dylan and sell it. New Fisher Price toy? Sold. Package of bacon? Sold. Package of condoms? Eyebrow raised, but sold.

  32. dutch girl on January 18th, 2010 6:19 pm

    DITTO on The Book of Eli….total waste of time and money.

  33. Erin (Snarke) on January 18th, 2010 8:12 pm

    We procrastinated seeing Avatar for the third weekend in a row. I cleaned the apartment on Saturday morning and then spent the rest of the weekend on the couch watching Ally McBeal on DVD and the movies on On Demand while reading Julia Child’s The Way to Cook like it was a novel. I did this while my husband spent the weekend playing World of Warcraft in the other room. We are living the dream down here!

    Incidentally, no matter how bad The Book of Eli is, I GUARANTEE you that it is nowhere as bad as Push. That movie is on par with the third Matrix in suckitude. (Yes it’s been almost a year since I saw it and yes I am STILL bitter that I can’t get that two hours of my life back)

  34. Melissa on January 19th, 2010 7:39 am

    Funny – we had a similar Sunday. Saw Up in the Air – good but more depressing than expected and then drove around trying to find a place open for dinner. Not the best night out at all but the really good part is that my sister-in-law watched the kids – for the first time ever! It was free! So I’ll take it.

  35. MRW on January 19th, 2010 9:31 am

    Yeah I love pretty much anything post-apocalyptic – will read or see the most ridiculous trash with that theme. But decided against seeing Eli when I read a bunch of stuff about how the character lives on cats. It’s not that I don’t understand how that could happen if the entire world went to hell, but that doesn’t mean I need to see it in a movie. Of course if something happened to my husband and kids, I’d probably become a crazy cat lady, so I admit I have issues… ANYWAY, good to know I’m not missing some awesome movie due to my crazy cat lady tendencies.

  36. Megan on January 19th, 2010 10:12 am

    Thanks to MelV for making the “On a Boat” reference so I didn’t have to. Duly noted on Book of Eli. I wasn’t going to see it due to the violent previews, but yikes. I had no idea it had religious agenda, just assumed that it was a spin off of The Road or 2012 or a bajillion other post apocalyptic films that have filtered through in the last few months.

  37. tina on January 19th, 2010 3:14 pm

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who wasted money on a babysitter this weekend. Date night is SACRED in my house and we run for the door. Problem was Hubby and I were both really sick. We were troopers though. I even put on lingerie under my date night outfit, WILLING myself to get into the mood for a romantic night out. Halfway through my steak I couldn’t taste and a french martini that burned my throat I looked up at my husband who was doing that SNORTING thing….you know what I mean? When they snort the snot inside their mouths and swallow? UGH! It’s so disgusting. Anyway,that did it for me. We waited until the tot was in bed and dismissed the sitter with a big tip. Then he played his Wii and I read trashy vampire books. Nice huh? And I won’t be checking out that movie….so I don’t waste anymore babysitter money!

  38. Barb on January 20th, 2010 6:51 am

    We went to Houston for the Chevron Marathon Expo. It was soo cool looking at the running paraphenalia. My smile of the day came when one of the vendors asked if I was running tomorrow (in the actual marathon)…wow, either she was trying to make a sale or I look like a runner :) I am guessing the fiscal inquiry…oh, wells…next year JC and I are planning on running in the half…we now count as “master” runners due to our age, not our ability, but I will take what I can get…cheers…

  39. Clover on January 20th, 2010 10:35 pm

    I turned 30(!!) last week, so hubs and I saddled the grandparents with the kids and headed to Seattle for a mini-dirty30-getaway. We stayed at the Inn at the Market Sun-Tue (fabulous!) and did Seattle stuff… market, the underground tour, pikes pub, westlake, dicks, melting pot, cruised the floating bridges (520, your favorite). Teh awesome.

    Re: cooking — I bought a steamer last week and am in LOOOOOVE. I steam anything I can get my hands on. I’ve eaten so many steamed carrots that… um, ORANGE.

    Good for you for cooking more – it’s a lot of work but so totally worth it.

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