Okay, time to study. Studying is reading, right? I love reading! This is going to be so awesome. The kids are in bed, the house is quiet, I’ve got myself all settled on the couch with a highlighter, now all I have to do is crack up chapter one, sit back, and enjoy the—

Oh, ha ha ha. I seem to have scanned a paragraph without fully understanding it. Silly me! I’ll just reread it again and—

Huh. Boy, there sure isn’t much light in here. Maybe I should change the lightbulb. I wonder if we shouldn’t have painted that wall such a dark color, since it seems to—

NEVERMIND. STUDYING. Study study study. Look at me being all studious and shit! I should totally get some of those arty square-framed glasses that make people look smart. I mean, I don’t technically need glasses, but I could get some with just regular glass in the—or I know, how about a Moleskine notebook, people love those things, I could take notes in it or just . . . I’m pretty good at doodling, like I could use it to draw little robots during—


Reading! Okay. Reading. La la la, reading reading reading . . . okay, I still didn’t get that paragraph, what the hell. Let’s try the old trick of putting a pen under each sentence and just take it kind of slow. All right. All riiiiight. Here we go. Yeah, this is helping. Right on, pen! Way to work! Epistemological . . . positivism . . . macro . . . methodological . . . WHAT? What the fuck is this book talking about?


“Um . . . what noise?”


“You mean . . . breathing?’


Okay. Okay okay okayyyyy. Whoooo. Get ahold of yourself, girl, you’ve got this. Just start over and read that paragraph from top to bottom. Epi . . . epistem . . . stemological. Is that like an episiotomy? Goddamn it, I need a dictionary. I can’t believe I need a dictionary. Good thing everything’s on the internet now, right? I’ll just get my laptop and . . .

Hey, I wonder what’s happening on Twitter?


E. P. I. S—you know what I could really go for right now? A sandwich. Mmmmmmm, sandwich. Okay okay. E. P. I. S. T. E—or a cookie. God damn, I could tear into a cookie. Okay. E. P. I—oh man, I’ve got some dough in the—I’ll just—OKAY, fuck, OKAY. Epistemological.

Epistemology is the investigation of what distinguishes justified belief from opinion.

Uh . . . huh. Well. Well, of course! It’s the . . . justified . . . the belief about the investigation of the . . . opinions. Totally obvious.

You know what, I’m going to watch The Soup.


61 Responses to “Thoughts during my first official night of homework”

  1. Jessi on February 3rd, 2010 10:19 am

    I love The Soup! Man, I’m glad I went to school when I did – all these online distractions and mindless tv shows that MUST BE WATCHED NOW.

    Good job on going back to school! You’ll find your groove. Who knows, you might learn more in class than reading a text book.

  2. Artemisia on February 3rd, 2010 11:01 am


    You know, I was so surprised to hear that you weren’t all that jazzed about Sociology. I think you might surprise yourself and like it quite a bit. Once you get past the bullshit jargon.

  3. Deb on February 3rd, 2010 11:06 am

    Well, good for you for going back.

    But – so happy it’s not me! The thought of sitting there doing all that thinking…nope, I’m done. It bugs me every time the DirectTV people change the DVR settings, so I’m pretty much done with new stuff.

    Also, I heart Joel McHale!

  4. jolie on February 3rd, 2010 11:07 am

    hilarious :)

  5. Jerilyn on February 3rd, 2010 11:30 am

    For what it’s worth, I’m taking Sociology this semester as well and the while the first chapter is kind of dry, the next ones have been very interesting! Which textbook do you have?

  6. Mary Beth on February 3rd, 2010 1:03 pm

    I second the advice about doing your studying in a studying-only area. Libraries were great for that for me.

    My sister and I used to joke about how the most obscure cleaning tasks got accomplished when we were supposed to be studying for exams or writing a paper – the messy sock drawer never looked so enticing as when I was supposed to be writing a paper on the history of psychiatry!

    Hang in there- it’ll take some time to get back in the school/student groove but you can do it. Look at everything else you have already accomplished!! This will be a walk in the park.

  7. Elizabeth on February 3rd, 2010 1:44 pm

    Ha! This is exactly what my 3 years in grad school were like (and they STILL granted me the degree — suckers!).
    I eagerly await the post about how you checked to make sure the ice cube trays were sanitized (seriously. Twice.), and then we can virtually high five.
    You totally have this. Enjoy!

  8. Katie @ Can't Get There From Here on February 3rd, 2010 1:50 pm

    Power to ya. I find that if you just do everything that comes to mind, eventually you’ll HAVE to study. It’s how I get my kids to sleep at night.

  9. victoria on February 4th, 2010 10:38 am

    With two little kids to look after and a house to clean and and presents to wrap and guests coming over, you CHOOSE to make pizza and cupcakes from scratch? I don’t understand. What is your motivation? (Sometimes I undertake elaborate baking projects just so I can hide out in the kitchen and avoid my inlaws, but I’m assuming you actually like these people and want to enjoy their company instead of being an exhausted stress case.)

  10. victoria on February 4th, 2010 10:40 am

    Oh, wait, I’m sorry. I’m not meaning to imply you don’t like your inlaws. Or that you won’t have a great time. Good luck!

  11. HollyLynne on February 4th, 2010 3:32 pm

    Studying is like working out . . . if you were to start running or kickboxing out of nowhere it would take you a while to get into the swing of things. You’ll be able to focus just fine after a few weeks!

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