Feb
16
I’m not sure what it is I crave these days. Adventure? Spontaneity? Or muted creature comforts: a quiet room, an uninterrupted stretch of time to laze around in.
All of the above, maybe.
Every day is stacked with routines, one after another. Storybooks, snacks, shoelaces. Cooking, cleaning, commuting. I should be wearing this life like a broken-in pair of jeans, every frayed edge and accommodating curve a comfortable familiarity. I should be managing this on muscle memory alone.
It doesn’t seem to work that way, though. At odds with the day-in, day-out patterns is this sense of impermanence to everything. The ground is insecure, it’s untrustworthy. One minute everything is fantastic, the next my patience is nearly gone and I’m pacing in my brain like a zoo animal. I wish sometimes that my children would just be quiet and predictable for an hour at a time, but they aren’t, they can’t. They buzz from one distraction to the next, they laugh and scream and cry. They are all wild oscillations and unstable surfaces.
I do the laundry but it never gets done. I clean the floor but it never stays clean. I put on my running shoes but every block is an unknown, I can so easily switch from feeling strong and motivated to fighting every hateful, shitty step. I eat healthfully and happily, then switch to crap for an entire weekend, unable to stop. My sense of worth at my job can be undone with one email.
Everything in my day used to revolve around the contents of a bottle, and at least this isn’t true anymore. It’s hard, though, to take back control only to realize I don’t really have it, and maybe I never truly will. I am like everything else, constructed of delicate material that sometimes doesn’t hold up, defined by things that are in flux.
It is stupidly hard to do the things you set out to do.
So, there is this: trying the best you can. There is this: pushing yourself past of what you believe you are capable of. There is this: living in the moment you are in, and letting go of the things that have already happened. There is adventure when you can take it, a quiet room when you can find it.
Tomorrow will be like today but it will also be different and you won’t know how and maybe there is a wild and luscious beauty to that.
Comments
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“I do the laundry but it never gets done. I clean the floor but it never stays clean. I put on my running shoes but every block is an unknown, I can so easily switch from feeling strong and motivated to fighting every hateful, shitty step. I eat healthfully and happily, then switch to crap for an entire weekend, unable to stop..”
Please just know that you aren’t alone. You’ve written down my exact thoughts.
“…I should be wearing this life like a broken-in pair of jeans, every frayed edge and accommodating curve a comfortable familiarity. I should be managing this on muscle memory alone.”
I love this. This is exactly it. This is exactly why I’m doing this: http://kck.st/aCtHbL
It’s difficult to write something introspective without sounding like a wanker. And you always manage to sound intelligent and to write beautifully. Fuck yeah, lady.
I’ve never in my life been so compelled to print out a blog post.
This is what I needed to read today.
I’m pretty sure every word of this blog has been quoted already, so I’ll just say this: beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
Love this.
Just … yes.
Thank you.
Thanks Sundry, this was uplifting.
Ditto to everything you just wrote. I was feeling soo much this way this week, along with too much yelling at my child for being a two-year-old BOY who does really random, annoying, disgustingly messy things…
So I booked two round-trip tickets to Costa Rica for my husband and myself. VACATION. Ahhh.
Except for the drinking (I have different vices) and the fact that I could never have said this well, I could’ve written this post. Sigh.
I think if there ever is a handbook for motherhood, this should be the preface.
This was an excellent piece, Linda, and I think we can al agree that this often defines us. You are not alone!
Oh. This is sublime. Your writing — your way of putting into words the universal truths of our lives as parents and humans, gives me goosebumps.
Your writing makes every part of it gorgeous.
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