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Mar
10
Trivia: I know pretty much every word to the Bill Cosby “Himself” performance. I listened to it over and over at my grandparent’s house on their record player when I was a kid, and years later when I was working in a video store, it was the one constantly-entertaining-but-still-PG video I could pop in the deck and let roll on the monitors stationed around the shop.
The entire thing is genius but lately I’ve been thinking about the Brain Damage routine, which, well, if you haven’t seen it, please enjoy:
My god, this is a perfect depiction of our house.
Didn’t I just TELL YOU not to do that?
Uh huh.
What did I just say?
[mumble] You said what for not for to jump onna COUCH.
I’ve said this a hundred times, haven’t I? I said no jumping on the couch, that means I do NOT want to look in there and see you guys jumping on the couch. Do you understand me?
Uh huh.
(2 seconds later)
STOP THAT! WHY ARE YOU JUMPING ON THE COUCH?
*high-pitched chorus* I don’t KNOW!
Everyone knows children’s brains are formed of large chunks of Silly Putty and clouds of easily-distracted bees, but man, sometimes I can’t believe the effort it takes just get someone to carry out ONE directive. I feel like a deranged border collie, nipping and nagging at the heels of my kids in order to herd them towards the thing I’ve asked them to do: “Brush (yap!) your (bark bark!) teeth! Walk to the bathroom (yip!) NOW, and pick UP your toothbrush (nip nip) and—PUT DOWN THE TOY, and (yap!) GO BRUSH YOUR—WHY ARE YOU SITTING THERE AAARRGGGH (bark bark bark *overwhelmed piddle*)”
Anyway, I actually sort of have a serious question for those of you with preschool-aged kids. Is it pretty typical for the 4-5 age range to be, you know, not so great with the focusing skills? Like, I have a friend whose daughter is the same age as Riley and she’s reading entire books and coloring big awesome pictures and, well, in my house everyone’s much more about running pell-mell from one thing to another, and the reading skills are coming along but there is SO MUCH impatience and distraction and NO ONE WANTS TO SIT STILL and every drawing looks like a frenzied tornado because HEY LET’S RIDE BIKES.
I’m kind of exaggerating, but really, I am curious as to what age a person should start expecting and demanding better listening/attention skills from a child, because I really don’t know. I know some kids are naturally more inclined to quiet activities that involve concentration and some just want to fling themselves facefirst off the couch all day long (cough cough cough DYLAN), but when does the Cosby-described brain damage start to recede a bit?
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late 5 early 6 (sometimes later). Boys DO NOT mature as quickly as girls. I have a 6 year old son and a 4 year old daughter and my daughter pays attention and reads better than my son.
He’s WAY more into careening around the house.
And…I love Bill Cosby!
“But I thought *I* was Damnit!”
My husband and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this Cosby routine. LOVE. I’m we’ll often be quoting it when we have kids, just trying to explain their behavior.
HA! This is my life. I, too, look at other kids and their beautiful pictures of flowers and their names written neatly, and them playing memory or Candyland or whatever torturous game is the game of the moment, and I think, dear GOD! I am doomed, as I watch my 4-year-old roll down the stairs and race back up to do it again. My hope? Boys. That is what I am hanging on to. The difference mainly in boys and girls. As a former elementary school teacher, except for the rare, rare few, they even out by about 1st grade. So, here’s hoping…
Uh, with boys, never. HAHAHAHA. Seriously, one of my favorite brainless boy stories was from a co-worker of mine with a 13-14 year old boy. One day, I listened to her tell him step-by-step over the phone how to put a frozen lasagna in the oven. And, I do mean STEP by STEP. Apparently the last time he had done it, she told him to turn the oven on and put the lasagna in the oven when it beeped. When she got home, there was the lasagna still wrapped in plastic and all. It never occurred to him to a) read the instructions or b) to remove the PLASTIC wrapper. At 12, I was cooking full-on multi-course meals.
I still have to herd my children to the bathroom to brush their teeth. They are 7 and 9.
I wasn’t aware that they learned to pay attention and do things on their own until they have children of their own.
Have you seen the movie “Parenthood”? You know the scene where the little girl is estimating the hundreds of dots on the paper and then computing the square root in her head, while her little boy cousin, who is the same age, has a bucket on his head and is deliberatly walking into things?
My youngest kids are just like that. At age 3, my daughter was focused and attentive, and my son is getting his massive noggin stuck between the slats in the fence.
But… they’re both totally normal. Every child is different, but I think there’s a gender difference at work here, too. I think the focus starts to sharpen around age 4 or 5 for many little boys, 3 or 4 for many little girls, with exceptions to both rules, of course.
WIth my 5-year-old daughter, she takes one of the following tactics:
- follows instructions to a T
- ignores me completely
- does a half-assed job then starts crying
- argues the merits of NOT doing something that I’ve asked her eleventy-seven and a half times to do.
Or she tells me she’ll do it “in a minute”. So, I wish I knew the answer. God, how I wish I knew.
Ooh, I’m the first one to comment! My experience is very limited to just a handful of children. Said children are three, four, five, and six (only one is mine). The three year old boy is just as you describe. Completely short attention span theater. The four-year-old girl is a very different story. She concentrates for long periods of time on one book, one painting, one game. But she’s kinda always been like that. The five-year-old boys are twins (god help their parents), and they are apeshit. All the time. Superfragicalisthenic ADHD. The final specimin, the six-year-old girl, cannot follow directions out of a paper bag. She is just as you describe trying to get her to brush her teeth. “No, put down the toy, no, don’t pick up another one, come back here, put that down, now march to the bathroom, no do not pick that up, BATHROOM NOW please, for god’s sake what are you doing, that’s not the way to the bathroom… AAAAHHHHH!”
I guess in conclusion I would say, who knows? Maybe it’s a kid-by-kid difference.
I still have to remind my husband repeatedly to do things, so I’m going to venture a guess that it doesn’t happen for boys until they reach 40.
Oh, don’t rush it. He’ll have to sit and be still and focus in school soon enough. And FTR, I still have to herd my teenager like that.
Like everything (I think) this is just different per kid. I have a son (who’s now 18) who was the PERFECT student in K-PreK. He was quiet, attentive, a quick learner, a total introvert. He loved to read and sit. He had no attention span issues.
I have 2 little ones now (5 year old turning 6 in August almost exactly 1 year older than Riley and a 2 year old turning 3 in May) and they are TOTALLY different than my older son. My 5 year old is in Kinder and she’s a young kindergartener (Aug bday). She’s having a hard time SITTING STILL. The teacher is constantly at her to just SIT. She’s a total extrovert who’d rather be DOING than sitting.
I thought it was just her but then I went to her school during a Christmas party and you’d a thought I walked into a house full of people on crack (ok, sorry if this is offensive to anyone). But SERIOUSLY, those kids are crazy hyper…so it defintely not just her (thank goodness), even though she’s probably still one of the classes’ biggest clowns.
I think, like everything this will come. Remember when you wondered if you were potty training right or if they would ever learn to walk or whatever milestone? This is just another one of those. It will eventually happen.
Mine is a hybrid of the two. Has awesome attention span for THINGS HE IS INTERESTED IN and the rest can go to hell.
Has school or daycare (or whatever) mentioned his behavior at all? Any concerns? If not I wouldn’t worry about it just yet, but you might bring it up with the Ped at the next visit and see what he/she says. Are thoughts of ADHD lurking in your brain? Easy test is caffeine. Does it calm him or wind him up?
It is a boy thing. I raised two girls and never had to deal with the mind-splitting brain damage that my two boys demonstrate. Last weekend? One of them shut his window in the car on his hand – because he wanted to see what it felt like. He is 4. He watched his brother do it 5 minutes prior, cry, and get told NOT TO DO THAT. But he did it anyway, and instead of a booboo, suffered broken fingers. BRAIN DAMAGED.
Ohhhh…Bill Cosby Himself. “Ennis took and poured water on the baby and the shampoo run into her eye and she may be blinded for LIIIIIFE!”
I wish I could help you. My husband takes 20 minutes to put on his shoes if the goddamn TV is on. It’s no wonder I have to pull the border collie routine (love it) to get my girls to do anything.
I don’t think it’s a girl-versus-boy thing, but more a personality thing. Our dotter is *finally* beginning to settle down and focus, and she’s eight years old. Note that I said “beginning”. Oh, she’s been fine in school, but as soon as she’s out of the classroom, she behaves JUST LIKE YOU DESCRIBED with the toothbrushing. EXACTLY. In fact, it’s positively eerie–do you have some type of webcam installed in our house???
Oh man, I just had a conference with my 4yo daughter’s teacher in which she told me that Wren was “getting there, but not quite able to stay with an activity as long as some other kids”. Yikes. Personally, I think it has to do with temperament, maturity, and general interest in the topic at hand. Wren is way more interested in running around, physically experiencing stuff rather than sitting demurely and quietly while she looks at a book or is read to or whatever. (right now she is supposed to be napping, but the loud noises from her room tell me she is rearranging furniture or building a fort or something) I really think at this age there is a lot of variance in how kids do with focused activity, and I think there is a big difference between boys and girls, because of developmental maturity. Our house (with 3 kids ages 2 (boy), 4 and 11 (girls)) is constantly humming (and sometimes shrieking) with activity and commotion. Our ped doesn’t find anything wrong with the levels of activity, because all of the kids are definitely learning, definitely absorbing their world. Oh, and we have one of those small, low fitness trampolines in the living room so the kids can get on that and jump like crazy. They don’t jump on the couch anymore. :)
All of that was a long-winded dorky way of saying, hey, I wouldn’t worry. :)
You Americans do seem to focus on the reading at an earlier age I think. My daughter is all about the running around and kicking her heels at 4.5, as my son was. At 12, he’s an avid reader of boy fiction and computer manuals. My view is that they have the rest of their lives to sit and concentrate – give ‘em freedom now.
Having expectations of your children pretty much starts at birth. I’ve always felt that there is no magic age where you suddenly expect ’stuff’ from your kids. My kids now do the laundry, vacuum the floors, do the dishes, cook one meal a week, pick up the dog crap, walk the dog, dust the down stairs, etc. I started them out small, like making their bed, and I have been adding more every year. They have never bitched about the work because they have been conditioned to understand that if you live in the house you have responsibilities. On a side note, if they want a cell phone they have to get one themselves and for a car I bought my older son a beat-up 1970 VW Bug we can fix up and he can drive. That way he knows how to work on a car and I feel he will take better care of something he built.
There really is no right answer here. It depends on the child. I have a son age 14, a daughter age 6, and a son age 5. My oldest son and my daughter were both reading at age 3. On a 1st or 2nd grade reading level. My 5 year old is just now starting to read. I didn’t think he was behind or not as smart. I just figured he’ll learn at his pace, not his siblings, which is perfectly fine.
4-5 age range? Seriously? My son is 16 and we still struggle with this. A lot.
I remember going to his pre-school and seeing that other kids sat still during circle time. I was amazed. Mine is a fidgeter, a dreamy ball of distraction. (Yesterday we pulled the tupperware out of the OUTSIDE garbage can) Yes, he has a mild case of ADD. It makes me crazy, but it’s who he is and I love him dearly. He is brilliant and creative and imaginative in ways I could never be. I wouldn’t change a thing.
As a parent of one almost 5 year old BOY and a 19 month old GIRL, I would have to say that the 19 month old is WAY WAY WAY better at listening the 5 yr old by far and away. OMG.
Perhaps this is a bit of personality and a bit of gender and a bit of genetics. Who knows… I suspect this will be a life long battle.
At least your older one is TRYING to read. Ours just says ‘NO I am not going to read because I like that you read to me and I do not want to learn to read because you will stop reading to me…’ Try to argue with that reasoning!
No worries it will come together as needed ;)
That is the perfect description of trying to get my 11y.o. to do *anything*! And he’s not ADHD or anything, just distractible. Seriously, my 13yo has always been able to focus, get things done. Very mature, always. The 11yo? I am still that crazed herding shepherd. I’m hoping that before he moves out and goes to college we’ll get through one bed time without saying “did you wash your hair while you were in the shower?” (why he continues to *forget* to wash his hair when he showers, which he have gone over ad nauseum, is beyond me) and without reminding him to just. brush. your. teeth. already!!! It’s exhausting, it really is. Good thing he’s cute and still cuddley.
I love Bill Cosby “Himself” I was actually just reciting it the other day!
“But Dad I’m Jesus Christ!”
Read The Way They Learn by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. Don’t let the Focus on the Family publishing house discourage you. There is no proselytizing in the book. Her other book, You Can’t Make Me is pretty helpful too.
My 4 and 1/2 year old is NOT reading yet and she very rarely takes direction. Totally normal.
You have perfectly described the difference between boys and girls! Sounds like things are PEFECTLY normal at your house!
My daughter just turned four, and brushing teeth is a 15-20 minute task, dinner takes an hour (stop touching the cat, put down that toy, sit in your seat, no – sit FORWARD in your seat, no you can’t have my food you have the same thing, STOP trying to pet the cat while you’re eating!), and on and on. She for sure knows her letters, but is not reading and some of her pictures can be recognized, but she’s somewhere in the middle of her class for the most part, and I’m good with that. Each kid is different – I agree talking with his teachers, assuming you respect their opinion, is a great next step to get some perspective.
BTW – you rock. Your blog keeps me sane, or as sane as a working-mom-and-wife-trying-to-exercise-regularly-and-keep-a-home can be.
Thank you for bringing this up. I tried to have a heart to heart with my 4 year old just last night. I thought maybe there were some bigger issues around why she wasn’t listening to us. Maybe she was mad because she was missing out on attention or something was happening at school. There has to be SOME REASON for the complete lack of attention and listening skills. Short version of what happened: In order to get an honest open answer, I didn’t mention me or her dad at all. I simply asked her if anything was bugging her. I got some long explanation about monsters and shadows and creepy crawly bugs. “So…huh. Ok. OH! Ok! So! You know how those things make you feel icky and not good and scare you? WELL, when I yell at you after asking you nicely 10 times to do something, that scares me and makes me feel icky and that I’m doing something wrong.” By the end of the evening we were all ok and this morning was a little better but, my god. It sucks! There’s no other nice way to put it. I keep hoping it’s a phase but then I get the helpful “advice” from friends with older kids saying, “It gets worse.” Thanks, assface. My husband and I think it’s because we both work full time outside of the home and our amount of influence over her just isn’t enough and that’s a REALLY icky thought.
With my seven-year-old son, it seems like every third word out of my mouth is FOCUS. “Focus, Alex. Alex. ALEXANDER. PLEASE FOCUS.” He’s a really smart kid but he just…spaces out. I have to give him step-by-step instructions for practically everything, even things he does multiple times DAILY. (”Did you flush the toilet? Wash your hands?” “Uhhh, oh. I forgot.”)
So, yeah. I don’t know. It’s a boy thing, I think. My daughter (Dylan’s age) can already pay better attention than her brother.
Please God tell me this is kid by kid. My seven year old has the attention span of a gnat AND at the same time can follow instructions to the letter. It’s exhausting. I think I agree with whoever commented that they don’t listen or follow instructions until they have children of their own.
I should also mention that she does really well in first grade and she’s above average in all areas. So apparently she pays attention at school.
It’s (mostly) a boy thing that subsides sometime between 20 and 30. I’m not kidding.
I haven’t read through all the comments so I apologize if I am repeating something that has already been said a million times.
It is VERY unusual for a child to be reading before the age of 5. Their brains just aren’t formed enough. Some kids do read early but that means absolutly nothing as far as smartness. There is no need to worry really until 2nd grade (all kids should be reading by then). Since you live in Bellevue and I assume your kids will be in the Bellevue school district (the best in the whole state), I am sure if there is any concern at all they will let you know. For now don’t worry about it at all. We were just discussing this at our last parent meeting for co-op. One way to know if you kid is ready to read is if they can skip. I know it’s weird but it has something to do with left brain and right brain going back and forth.
I looooooove the Cosby routine. We were watching the birth part while I was in labor hoping that the laughing would move things along. :)
2 boys: 4 and 7.5: nothing resembling those kinds of skills to date. Some days, few and far between, Big boy is microscopically better than the little boy but mostly, nope.
Sorry.
Your boys are perfect, wonderful, intelligent, curious beings. Who cares if they aren’t reading Tolstoy yet. Also mom of two boys…I love the description of being a border collie. THAT’S IT! My oldest is in 2nd grade and is reading about at his grade level….took him forever to get there, but it all evens out.
Well my son was reading at 4 and at 6 was able to assemble Lego kits meant for kids much older. HOWEVER, he is now 7 and I still have to herd him to do things like brush his teeth, get dressed, remember his backpack, basically to do anything he is not really interested in doing. Ugh.
That said, I recommend The Minds of Boys, which is a great book about how boys learn and such. The thing I remember most is that they have done studies that show boys and even grown men learn and retain information better when they learn it while they are moving around (men were tested on a treadmill). After reading that, I stopped chastising my son for fidgeting all the damned time when we were reading or doing home work. It’s just such an alien concept to me, but in some ways boys just need to move to focus and learn. Bizarre.
First – Bill Cosby albums! I grew up with those too and I loved loved loved them.
I’m 48 and my brother is 46. I have always been quiet, attentive, focused and happy to obey. (Really, I have.) My brother has always been busy, outgoing and moving from one thing to another. He doesn’t have anything like ADHD or ADD but his personality is such that he loves to be busy and buck the system. He’s now a very successful businessman. I’m sure it is different for every person, but you may just have yourself a couple of kids like my brother.
OK. Matthew and I quote that sketch ALL THE TIME. Graham is a smart kid and has always been pretty focused. Then along came Nathan and his standard response is, “I don’t KNOW.”
So, yeah. I’m no help. He’s five and I don’t see an end in sight.
My kids are almost 14 and 8 and they are still brain damaged. I don’t think the brain damage goes away until they have their own kids. I’m sorry to have to tell you that.
I LURRVE Bill Cosby. I too grew up listening to this routine. And hooboy. “Parent’s Do Not Wang JUSTICE. We just want QUIET.” I live this motto.
And no, you’re not the only one. I have an almost four year old girl and almost three year old girl (13 months apart. kill. me. now.) and they have the attention span of spastic monkeys. And girls are supposed to develop more quickkly than boys, so I don’t know what that says about my situation. Beh.
Everyone’s different. I teach violin lessons and one of my students (two actually) are about 8 and they struggle staying focused. They aren’t doing very well in school and life in general seems to be moving too slowly for them. But they are AMAZING musicians. And I don’t think their parents would trade that for anything.
We all have our strengths and areas where we struggle. Your boys are healthy, curious, SMART, and energetic. I say that you’re doing just fine.. :)
Want. Not wang. Want. heh.
I have a 5 year old and she had swimming lessons at the YMCA last night. There are 4 kids in the class. The teacher has them sit along the side of the pool and teaches one at a time to do this or that. And they try to make it FUN! So it’s all throw a beach ball and have the kid swim after it.
I sat and watched my kid bubbling over with excitement “Pick me, my turn, my turn my turn.” A few times, she could hardly stand it and plopped into the water prematurely. “Me, me, me, beach ball, my turn!!!!!”
The instructor was going to teach her a lesson for her impatience, while rewarding the other students for their patience and made my kid wait to go last each time – passed her right over to go to the kid on the other side of her and then the next and only then come back to my kid.
It was sort of amusing to watch because I thought the teacher was sort of a dumbshit for how she did it. But my child… her energy just won’t be contained.
She’s my 5th kid and I know that soon enough she will outgrow this and it will be fine. I’m sure she learned a little something in being made to wait. I smile thinking about it because that bundle of activity and energy… it’s infectious. If I somehow managed it out of her prematurely, I’d miss it.
There’s time for reading later. I’m fine with whirlwind of motion for now. Besides, it gives me great content to blog about. LOL
Oh, God, I don’t know, but I have been having this exact same problem with my almost-5-year-old since… uh… forever? Forever sounds about right. It certainly feels like forever, what with all the I JUST TOLD YOU NOT TO [...] and IT IS NOT THAT HARD TO JUST [...] and YOU ARE NOT A GOLDFISH, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO REMEMBER [...] and stuff. Some other favorite sayings include I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TELL YOU [...] EVERY 30 SECONDS and WHY DO I HAVE TO WALK YOU THROUGH [...] EVERY SINGLE TIME, and these sayings are always kind of all-caps, which is why this comment looks like I snorted a bunch of coke. Uh.
I feel like the biggest, meanest, most un-fun mom ever most days. It seems like all I ever do is nag and remind and ask and tell and order and finally lose it and SHOUT SOME MORE, which then makes me feel guilty for like five seconds until I am once again having to tell him that no! He is not allowed to jump on the bed, and in fact has never been allowed to jump on the bed, and so should be able to remember that rule for more than five damn minutes! Or I resolve to relax and let things ride and then we sit down to dinner and I have to keep herding him into and shepherding him through every single bite, because he never seems to remember how to hold his fork or that you keep chewing until you swallow and then you take another bite and PUT THOSE FEET ON THE FLOOR, MISTER, and gahhhhh.
I don’t have any solutions, is what I should have said to begin with. But this shit is both frustrating and dismally, depressingly age-appropriate.
OH GOD! IT’S SO TRUE!!
I have two girls, a 6 y.o. and a 3 y.o. and the older one is FINALLY starting to calm down a bit, what with the teenage attitude and back talk. The little one is completely nuts…
well, he’s a boy. So I expect that it will get better sometime around his 80th birthday
I learned a very long time ago, that small children’s attention span is about a minute their age before they are onto something else. This is why Sesame Street was sooo successful….
get hold of the book by Steve Biddulph called Raising Boys. Very insightful book
Oh man.. I get frustrated enough with my HUSBAND’s inability to focus on a task I’ve asked him to do. Something tells me I’m going to go batshit insane when it’s him plus a gaggle of children I’m having to constantly be after.
My kid is too young for me to answer this question – but I was JUST talking about Bill Cosby’s “Himself” TODAY. Such a favorite, although I haven’t seen it in years.
I think the key word above is “daughter.” Yes, there are boys who are focused and girls who are wild, but it will be a cold day in hell before I say that there’s no difference between boys and girls. There IS. The end.
I think it just depends on the kid. I have 2 girls, about a year apart in age. Totally completely different kids. My youngest is ADHD so she’s always been all over the place. My oldest is 10 going on 25, so she’s got the attitude already. But very young my 10 yr old would sit and do stuff for periods of time. Never my youngest. So it just depends on the kid. Good luck lady!
Still waiting…..I have 2 boys and they always need to be reminded again and again to do anything that involves a chore :)
Mine is 6 5/6 yrs old. She can focus on one thing, it’s just NEVER the one thing I need her to do. Like today she was giving her doll a bath for 10 minutes when I was asking her to brush her teeth.
OK, so I’ve got three and either that’s perfectly normal and continues *at least* until 10 (hoping not far beyond), or I am screwed. Starting to think the latter. In which case I give up and the lunatics can just have the asylum.
Sometimes “Do [A], and then [B] will happen” works. Not consistently enough for a Harmzie’s Law of Childrearing though.
I’m just another overwhelmed-piddle producing border collie. Excellent analogy (Unfortunately).
I too grew up listening to that record. We had it in our collection, right next to the Roger Whittakers and the *Christmas in the Country* one.
As far as focusing, I’m sure you’re hearing this in all the comments, but it depends SO much on the kid. My brother and I were both unfocused well into our teens. I have one child who is incredibly focused, even regimented, and one who forgets halfway through putting her shoes on that she does in fact have two feet. She’s ten. The focused boy is almost 14, but he’s been like that since he was 6 or so. I’m guessing it’s a developmental milestone and that Riley will hit it sometime soon. :)
My daughter is (almost) 9 and I still have to yell at her to brush her teeth about one million and infinity times. And then I usually have to yell at her to do it again and THIS TIME WITH TOOTHPASTE! I’ve finally let her shower by herself (without me supervising), and more often than not, she gets out and says “Oh, I forgot to wash my hair. And my body.” Um…that’s EVERYTHING you have to do!!! What. The. F?!
So, I have no idea. If you find the magic answer, let me know. I feel like a damn drill sergeant over here!
I didn’t read all the comments, so someone may have already said this, but I think it may have to do with siblings and the mini-herd mentality. My daughter (6) and my son (almost 4) are both are pretty well-behaved, generally. EXCEPT when they are with each other. Then it is just as you describe above, so perfectly. I’m just hoping (desperately!) that it gets better soon.
when does the Cosby-described brain damage start to recede a bit?….
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but, well, let’s see, my son is turning 13 this month and he’s still got it. I think the answer is maybe AGE 30 or so…
My wife and I first saw Himself (on tape, I guess?) some years after it came out. We must have acquired the whole brood by then (hers, ours, and theirs) because it was just way too appropriate. I remember that we were laughing so hard that we couldn’t breathe, and had to stop the playback because we couldn’t see the TV for the tears. It is one of the greatest riffs on parenthood ever, and it’s funny because every word is true.
As for being able to focus, I don’t have anything hopeful for you. Girls seem to be better at it than boys, at least in the younger years (ie before age 30). We have one boy who was making study flashcards at age 9, and another who at age 30 is just now figuring out what “focus” means. Just go with the flow, and remember to “beat him if he teases”. (Lewis Carroll.)
I don’t have kids, but when I was right out of college I lived with my (30 something) aunt & uncle, and my two little cousins. My boy cousin was 4-turned-5 while I lived there. When he got overwhelmed or distracted (which was OFTEN), they used a trick to bring him back down to earth that worked 95% of the time. He would be whining or distracted or not listening or whatever and they would say “Ben. Stop. Look at me/Eyes on me/Eyes right here/[whatevs].” while making the peace sign with their fingers and pointing it/drawing it from his eyes to their eyes (You know, like Night at the Roxbury “You, me, you, me”).
It immediately snapped him out of his little world and would focus him on them and what they were saying. It blew me away the first few times I saw it, because it worked so well and then seemed kind of obvious after the fact in an “well, of COURSE that works!” kind of way. I mean, using your voice was one thing, but something about the physicality of it broke through the barrier into his little world and helped him connect and listen.
I’m not sure it will work with Riley, but it might be worth a shot.
hee! i have a great memory of being 17 and “rafting” down the level 1 river with my uncle, 10 year-old cousin, and almost-7-year-old cousin (my uncle’s son). li’l cousin was behind me and was flailing more than paddling, and i remember thinking about a kind way to say “stop hitting me and my paddle with your paddle, and keep down the splashing too while you’re at it”, and finally said, gently, “keep your paddle right by your side”. he tried, and was marginally less splashy for one stroke. my uncle snickered and said, “if you tell him that 5000 more times, he *might* remember to do it!”
i don’t know about typical attention spans. i’m a physical therapist and while i do work with the preschool demographic, all the kids i see are developmentally delayed…so…yeah. typical kids seem like brilliant geniuses to me, and the actual brilliant geniuses seem like tiny sages.
Ummm, have you been to my house recently because you just described my boys (20 months and 4.5 years) to a T! I feel like I’m always on my older one about SOMETHING. It’s really exhausting. I’m hoping the brain damage is peaking now and will be history by the time they are teens. Is that too much to ask?
Linda – Some of it is just kids being normal kids, but some of it can be the expectations you set for yourself.
A book I loved – Love & Logic: Magic for Early Childhood. I was especially a fan of giving kids the control to make bad choices, and then, as a parent, learning to let them live with the consequences. We can’t protect them from everything – but we can do our best to teach them to make good choices.
I tend to agree with the boy-girl thing, on average. However, my younger daughter (3 in January) is reading a little AND needs to be reminded continually to do stuff. I am struggling to define her issue. A few times I have gotten all militant about it and punished for every failure to attend, which worked somewhat, but I can’t maintain that in the long run. Sometimes you just gotta laugh. Now she’s in an emotional stage where she’ll get all hurt when I frustratedly point out that I’ve asked her 100 times to put her dang shoes on. The thing is, I know she “hears” everything (even when she shouldn’t). She has an awesome memory, and she often reminds me of things I’ve forgotten to do. So what the heck?
Older sister (3.5) is the opposite. She thrives on rules, routines, order, planning, etc. But, her reading skills are behind her sister’s. So I’m not sure the two are related.
I think it is a
I think it is a boy versus girl thing at this age. My 5 year-old sat down with me for an hour and a half yesterday morning to work through an entire (!) preschool skills book without letting her attention wander. Too much. On the other hand, I think we had such a successful morning because our TV had been disconnected for 3 day. I was really shocked to see what a great thing this was for her. I had been allowing/relying on the tv after school as a way to unwind from a long school day, and also giving me some time to feed the baby and make dinner but I think I’m going to have to suck up the pain and just keep the tv off. Its weird how sitting and staring at the screen actually seems to make her more distracted. You could give it a try with Riley and see what happens.
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One thing that is working somewhat right now is to just stop repeating myself. I figure the kids got programmed to expect me to repeat myself 100 times, so why bother to act on the first (or 10th) request? So when I catch myself repeating a request more than 2x, I will say “I’m not going to say it again” (followed by a proposed consequence if necessary). And then I try very hard to follow through. It is a hard habit to break, though.
Example: “Get your coat on. … Get your coat on. … I’m not going to say it again. I’m leaving in 1 minute whether your coat is on or not.” Child miraculously finds focus and performs.
But the other day, after a morning dawdling/pestering session: “Don’t leave without me!” “Why shouldn’t I?” “Because I’m your daughter.” Aww. “Get your dang shoes on then!”
I love Bill Cosby! I often hear myseld saying “Come here. Here! Heerrree!” heh. :)
As a mom and an elemnetary teacher, I can tell you that there is a BIG difference in the development of boys vs. girls. In general, boys are much more active and thier gross motor skills are usually more developed than girls by age 5. The opposite is with girls. Girls usually have better fine motor skills at that age. That being said, there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule. If Riley is in a structured day care /pre-school setting, I am sure he is getting used to focusing (listening to a story) and fine motor prctice (cutting, coloring, etc) I am sure he is just fine.
Ugh! My spelling is HORRIBLE in my comment above. I need to drink more coffee before I post next time. SORRY.
Since I have two boys, I’ll blame it on boys. My boys never sat and colored, or read or wanted to do crafts. Just destroy!
Don’t sweat it Linda. Reading in preschool is advanced for starters. But really it comes down to boys vs. girls in our house. In preschool my daughter always sat quietly reading books and loved to draw and color. My son can’t be bothered with reading and coloring. If I want to do something art like then I have to give him the task of cutting and using the glue stick. He really isn’t interested in just sitting down to color. He is jumping around and bouncing from one thing to the next, exactly as you have described. Aren’t little boys wonderful?!
Reading? At 5? Hahahahhaha. For my boy, who is really fairly bright, we spend most of our days repeating instructions (stop. now, right now, STOP. Did you hear me say stop? What does STOP mean? Do you think that you should stop what you are doing when I say STOP?) rinse, repeat, infinitum. Boys are just boys–they don’t have the same maturity level as girls at the same age–but at least there is less drama!
SOOOOO normal for boys. I have a six year old who has the attention span of a gnat. And thank you for making me laugh. You speak the truth!!!! You are awsome!!!
You just described my four-year-old. At his annual teacher meeting at preschool, they asked us to work with him on focusing skills. Apparently they have to ask him to do things five or six times, too. So. We work on it, but I really do think it has to do with the fact that he is a high-energy boy and has always been so distractable. I just hope he’ll outgrow it.
Have you read 1-2-3 Magic? The counting thing works in our house, usually, most of the time.
We had that Cosby record growing up and listened to it all the time too! My husband and I often quote the part about his kids drinking his drink –
“What did I say about not drinking my drink?”
“You said not for to drink your drink”
“Then WHY did you just drink my drink?!”
Classic!
Linda – you will learn very quickly that you are going to have a completely different child rearing experience than friends who have daughters. Period. It’s like we live on two different planets. When my friends and I go out for Girls’ Night Out, we literally separate at the table by who has daughters and who has sons. I don’t understand a thing about cliques and “the pops” (popular kids) anymore b/c I have boys who don’t care about that. Now all of us boy moms sit together b/c we can swap opinions about who’s the best kindergarten teacher for our boys (again, completely different needs than for girls) and what baseball season is shaping up like. While the girl moms talk about what are good books for positive self-image, etc. It is quite a hoot!
My four year old is exactly the same way. Way too easily distracted by shiny objects.
It wouldn’t hurt to have his vision test specifically looking at how he focuses and tracks with his eyes. My middle son was in fifth grade before we found out he COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN one eye when he tried to read. He also failed miserably on tracking a ball swinging above him. We went through 12 weeks of vision therapy and he’s fabulous now. If we had found about it earlier, we could have solved the problem in WAY less time and saved a WHOLE bunch of headaches for both him and his parents. It’s a pretty standard test and wouldn’t hurt to check out. For my son, it made all the difference in the world.
To SKL: you know, amazingly this tactic works on husbands too! I swear 75% of the time when I ask my husband something and he says “what?” I don’t repeat myself and he will answer me. It’s like he has been trained to have to hear something repeated even though he heard very well the first time.
Usually I know he truly hasn’t heard me if there is just zero response. I wonder if my son will wind up with similar “selective hearing”…
This is our house too. Our 5 year old son was talking to his dad this morning and I caught the following:
g: But I don’t know how to read…
G: Not too many kids your age can.
g: But ALEX can read..
G: I KNEW IT!
Alex must be the wonder child because he can also tie his shoes and doesn’t insist on always being right, much unlike little g who is adamant that he must have velcro shoes and jeans with “the thingies” in them (adjustable waistbands). I’m thinking we need to have Alex come hang out at our house for a weekend-little g just might decide shoelaces are not our enemy and books aren’t Kryptonite.
Not sure about younger children, but some kids just are this way. My fiance’s 16 year-old son drives me batshit crazy sometimes, and it’s the same step by step routine. With maybe an errant “when I ask you to put your plate in the dishwasher, it does NOT mean sit on the dog!”
Of course, then they turn around and do something sweet, like a few weeks ago, he was in the kitchen for EVER so I irritatedly asked him what he was DOING for the love of GOD. (He’s been known to get distracted with the water on and start like, playing with the magnets on the fridge.)Turns out he was trying to scrub a spot on his bowl (it’s been there forever, it doesn’t come out, we’ve tried)and he didn’t know that it was permanant. “I’m just trying to wash the dishes for you!”
We too, love Bill cosby himself. We quote the “chocolate cake” segment regularly.
It’s totally a boy thing. Mine is eleven and I am STILL a border collie.
Bark bark bark.
My 6yo is just now really able to focus on tasks, although, when earlier in the week his kindergarten homework assignment was to write out his numbers from 1-50 you’d have thought they were asking him to write out The Preamble the way he was carrying on for crying out loud. School (even though he was in daycare/preschool before) has really helped. We’ve also had him in Tae Kwon Do since he was 4. Now my 4yo daughter? She can sit and color a masterpiece, or paint or work on a puzzle with no problems. She asks for homework assignments when 6yo is doing his. Like night and day.
I don’t know if it is a gender, or a birth order thing, but there are marked differences between the 2.
I haven’t gone through everyone’s comments, but I suspect they amount to the same thing: we all suffer from this. I have two boys, ages 7 and 10, and I go through the same routine. “Get in the shower, get in the shower, get in the shower.” “Brush your teeth, brush your teeth, brush your teeth.” “Get dressed, get dressed, get dressed.” It never ends. They’ll be like that FOOOOOOOOORRRRREEEEVVVVVVEEEEEERRRRRR.
I love Bill and will rent this video as soon as I can (now that you’ve reminded me of it).
I wanted to stop and comment about something more general. I absolutely love coming here to read your posts, they always make me smile. I just wanted to say thank you very much.
i LOVE this entry. i have always loved bill cosby, and have this particular album on my ipod. to be honest, i don’t think children ever leave the Brain Damaged phase..at least not until they have children of their own.
as for the serious question about attention span etc…not really sure. i’m still waiting for my son to actually get his damn nose OUT of the books and run around and play actual kid games, and he’s 18 now. i think each child is different, and from the sounds of it, your kids are just super high energy. i’m not sure if you’ll be able to tell if this is actually a “problem” until they are in school. if it actually stops them from learning, or attending to the classes, then there might be an attention issue. “back in the day” my brother was like that…would much rather run around and go 100 mph until he just dropped into sleep at night. he did fine in school, and still loves to read and has a good job. I never ran around (or really moved, if i could help it) and ALWAYS had my nose stuck in a book, and couldn’t focus on a blessed thing…for me, not much has changed.
sorry, this answer was much longer than i intended.
I haven’t read all of the comments but I have two boys, 8 and almost 6 and they NEVER sit still. They play baseball, basketball and whatever other possible ball thru my house. I repeat myself over and over, “no wrestling each other, no wrestling each other, no wrestling each other”. I walk out of the room and they are WRESTLING EACH OTHER!!!
My oldest is in kindergarten and it takes us 30 minutes to read a 6 page chapter in her I-can-Read! books…and that’s with me reading every other page. She will be mid-sentence and all of a sudden start playing with her fingernails or just roll over and close her eyes. And I am all FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FINISH THE DAMN CHAPTER ALREADY! Fun bonding time, my arse. As for the rest of the time, one afternoon she will sit still for hours drawing, the next she is the poster-child for ADD. I’ve decided she has a finite amount of focus and when it’s gone, it’s just gone.
100% typical. I have an almost 5 and almost 7 year old and they can’t focus worth a damn. Unless it’s on the TV.
I don’t know when it stops. I just had to scream back and forth with my NINE YEAR OLD to “Stay put! Sit! SIT! SIIIT DOOOOOOWN!!!” just to read through this full post.
I have 15 and 16 year old boys. “Pick up your towel, brush your teeth. Did you brush your teeth? Why not? I paid over $5000 for those teeth. Put up your backpack and your shoes. Give me your lunchbag before something rots.” My husband and I say these things daily – more than once and sometimes they don’t get done until I stop and watch. They make good grades, though, so I know they can follow directions when they want to.
as a general rule, boys take longer to “get” the focus thing. Of course, some boys have no problems and are calm and focused from birth, but this is rare, otherwise the “general rule” wouldn’t exist.
I have one of each gender and yes, son is WAY worse at following directions because of lack of focus. But the daughter’s problems following directions can usually be chalked up to “just don’t feel like minding.” Which is just at irritating as the boy. Sheesh.
I have no idea of the answers to your question as I have a 3 year old and am in full-blown herding mode, but I had to let you know that I am still giggling at the “overwhelming piddle” line.
my daughter is a toddler and has just started terrible twos! I noticed that she does have trouble focusing — just says words in a stream of consciousness — but not really paying attention to what she’s saying, I sure hope it gets easier!!
Oh my God, I totally just added this to my Blockbuster queue.
Dude, I have been wondering about my kids and the flipping tv. Their ears do. not. work. I have girls, three of them, 2-5years in age. I have the same question because I am trying my damndest to be understanding and patient.
You have a husband right? Does he listen and do what you ask? Riiiight…so the answer is never, or at best, it comes and goes. I have an 8 year old boy and we are CONSTANTLY trying to come up with new and creative ways for him to own some responsibility over his own habits. We have tried charts, reward chips, bribes, punishments and whatnot. Right now, the reward chips work best – if he earns 20 in a week he picks a toy from a prize box. Try incentivizing them to listen with big rewards given for initial follow through and some kind of prize or something to work toward. My best friend is a social worker and they use the same system all the time with mental patients, so it has to work with kids, right?
Hee hee. My boys were totally like that, and still are to a certain degree. They are six and eight and it has gotten a little better. Sometimes I think it is more exaggerated because they feed each other’s behavior. When I have one at home by himself, it is a completely different world.
And as far as how I have felt through the whole experience, well yes, deranged border collie sounds about right.
@ Christina
I have a stepson who never wanted to read anything other than a comic. But liked to be read to. So I picked up a book that he’d enjoyed on dvd (Harry Potter) and we started reading together. I read a paragraph, he read a paragraph. 14 months later, he’s re-reading the entire series for the fifth time. Mind you, he was seven when we started this, might be different with a younger child. Good luck!
I so had the same concerns about my 4 year old as he didn’t seem to focus on anything. At his ‘before school checkup’ they pointed out that his focus is fine as long as it’s on something he’s interested in – construction and vehicles!!! Whereas little girls are more likely to focus on things relating to what their mum does like household chores and stuff. Gotta wonder why we don’t always focus like little boys – more about what we’re interested in and less about household stuff, lol
Sorry I’m commenting so late – I’ve been behind on reading. I have two boys same ages as yours – oldest was 4 in September and youngest was 2 in December. It’s exactly the same in my house. I always thought I’d sit down and do art projects with my children because that’s what I did and enjoyed, but no way. That vignette about getting them to brush their teeth sounds like a script from my house. Last summer I went to the pool many times with other moms (of GIRLS) and while they were able to sit down and chat, I was chasing my boys around the entire time. And BTW, my oldest hasn’t started reading at all – he isn’t interested and his teachers tell me to leave it alone until he’s ready.
I know this is a late comment, and I hope like hell you still receive it because you MUST read this book: The Way of Boys, by Anthony Rao. I have a 21 month old boy and this book has helped alleviate some serious anxiety about what I should expect in my son’s behavior and development.
[...] year, as in years past, I had both Leah and Linda to wander Central Park with (photos to come some day), attend parties with and run to when I found [...]