I don’t understand the idea behind vanity sizing. I mean, when a pair of Target size 2 pants fits am I supposed to be all, look at that, I must have miraculously reduced in size by several inches since entering this store, I wonder if it happened when I trundled my giant squeaky red cart into the Easter candy aisle in order to load up on those discount Reese’s peanut butter cup eggs? Let’s go back and do it again, maybe I can get down to a ZERO and I will turn INVISIBLE and then I can spy on people masturbating like Ceiling Cat! There is no non-Target universe in which I am a size 2, and I’m not saying I wish I was a 2 or that I’m glad I’m not a 2, it’s just that, you know, I don’t wear a size 2. If I’m going to buy clothing at Target I’d prefer to just chuck it unexamined into the cart along with the laundry detergent and dog food and baby wipes, not be forced to deploy some sort of weird-ass algorithm where I subtract one size if it’s a dress, subtract two sizes if it’s a pair of pants, and add 14 sizes if it’s one of those superthin t-shirts that seems custom-designed to lovingly display every outcropping and indentation of a person’s personal collection of backfat, then head into the dressing room where the clerk is on the phone and apathetically hurls the numbered plastic thing at me and the room I pick always looks like the Katrina Superdome and good luck getting out of the built-in “power mesh control slip” in that one black dress why wasn’t there a WARNING on this Merona-branded bear trap, MEDIC.

Also, I’m now shopping in the BOYS section for Riley and it’s depressing. Not only because I can’t find a single pair of jeans that will fit him in length without drooping halfway off his bony rear end and revealing his Spiderman underwear, but because all the adorable dinosaur/robot/helicopter-themed shirts have been replaced with obnoxious sports graphics or sub-par Marvel characters. There’s even a Shaun White line of boys’ clothing at Target and listen, it’s not that I can’t accept the idea of my preschooler wearing a shirt blaring SHRED! on it, it’s that if it does include such a sentiment then it should also feature a cartoon block of cheese because at least that shit would be funny.

Finally, you should know that the whole reason I went to Target in the first place was to check out this Liberty of London stuff everyone’s been raving about on Twitter and I was kind of expecting gun-toting sharks or antigravity boots or something cool, but no, it was just a bunch of stuff like hats and plastic bowls and binders and I guess the thing that makes it special is that it all has flowers on it. And I guess I can forgive you, internet, for getting all gushy over a collection of floral patterns, but then I saw this godforsaken thing:


And I had to gouge out my eyes with a nearby Liberty of London-branded ballpoint pen so basically you all owe me new eyeballs in addition to an explanation for why I don’t have that bag of Reese’s candy on my desk right now.


65 Responses to “Bullseye”

  1. victoria on March 30th, 2010 7:47 am

    I love Liberty of London prints (for women), but then I’m in my forties and remember when Laura Ashley prints were cool, too.

    Hugh Grant wears a Liberty of London shirt in Four Weddings and a Funeral in a key scene with Andie MacDowell. Oh, wait, you were in junior high school, wearing black eyeliner and way too young, and cool, to go to rom-com movies like that when Four Weddings and a Funeral came out, sorry.

  2. kristin on March 30th, 2010 7:55 am

    I bought a Liberty of London wallet the other day and it is THE CUTEST WALLET THAT EVER WALLETTED IN THE HISTORY OF WALLETS.

  3. MRW on March 30th, 2010 8:04 am

    I have the vanity sizing issue at Ann Taylor as well. I have to dress up for work and I hate to shop and years ago I found AT clothing works really well for me. All was fine until a couple of years ago when suddenly I started shrinking in size (according to AT not my scale). Frankly it’s kind of insulting that they didn’t think I’d notice that virtually the same pair of pants I’d bought in a 6 a few years ago was now in a 2. So I’m back to trying everything on – I just want to buy the damned pants and get out. Sigh.

    And yeah boys clothing – once my son got to be in the size 5 range it became really hard to find shirts and sweatshirts not emblazoned with NASCAR, skateboarding, or just plain nasty crap. Now when I find basic colored T-shirts with a simple pattern I buy in bulk because they are even rarer in size 7-8.

  4. Deb on March 30th, 2010 8:54 am

    My son just moved up from the Toddler department to the Boys department. I wandered around the store with tears in my eyes like some sappy idiot, all “I’m not ready for him to be with the big boys department!” I mean, he’s FIVE. Can’t we find something that doesn’t have a skull and crossbones on it? Where are the cute cartoon dinosuars?

    As for the jeans, I finally found ones that fit my skinny boy – I have to get the Wrangler or Rustler Slim sizes at WalMart.

    (yeah, I buy jeans at Walmart. what about it? he’s just going to grind dirt into them. actually, I have a special category of clothes called Dig In The Dirt Stuff)

  5. Deb on March 30th, 2010 9:03 am

    OMG! DapperSnappers!

    This is going to revolutionize my life, I can feel it.

  6. April G. on March 30th, 2010 9:15 am

    Ha! That shirt is a bit much. I kind of like the floral neckties though.

    Old Navy is the worst for sizes. I can be a 10 in one pair of pants, and then an 8 in another pair of the same pants in a different color. WTF?

  7. Jennifer on March 30th, 2010 9:28 am

    There are so many hilarious things in this post that I can’t even count them all, then I started reading the comments and I’m crying over here. Thanks Linda and fans!

    OK I’ll make one comment about the hilariousness. Would also love to see a “shred” shirt with a block of cheese, I’d totally buy that for ME. Someone needs to make a nylon bike jersey with that graphic on it.

  8. April on March 30th, 2010 9:45 am

    Layne Bryant recently starting doing this. Now instead of jeans that are size 14, 16, 18, etc, they are now size 1-5. Plus, for extra fun they are divided by color for your body shape (Red-Curvy, Yellow-straight, etc)
    It’s stupid. Look, I know I’m shopping at the fat chick store – i’m good with it – i’m fully aware that I have a double digit size. I know good and damn well that i’m not a 3 or a 5.

    I was so irritated trying to find pants that I finally left the store. The sales lady tried to grab me as I went out the door and asked if I was able to find what I needed – I said “No. I wanted to buy pants today, but I guess I’ll have to wait since I don’t have my secret decoder ring with me”

  9. Mo on March 31st, 2010 10:16 am

    Dude, you’re too fricking funny! I have never commented on a blog before and I read a couple, but I just had to say, yours are the best written by far!
    I have 2 boys, 16 and 12, so you’re in for a wild ride…trust me…keep up the awesome work!

  10. Michelle on March 31st, 2010 11:09 am

    You guys crack me up!!
    Hi, I’m the inventor of Dapper Snappers. I hear about your blog through a customer that just purchased Dapper Snappers from us directly and I thought I would stop by. If you would like to get Dapper Snappers in your area, please let your local retailer know about them.
    If you would like to order them directly from me, please contact me at Michelle DapperSnappers com.
    Also, I have heard of Moms (and Dads too) using them for themselves. Rest assured, we are working on an Adult version!
    I hope to hear from you all soon!



  11. Michelle on March 31st, 2010 11:11 am

    Sorry…That was supposed to be Michelle AT DapperSnappers DOT com for my email address.

    Blessings again!


  12. Amanda on March 31st, 2010 1:40 pm

    The fucking tissue shirts, gah. Is there nothing between a Hanes Beefy(boxy)Tee and colored saran wrap?

  13. Sarah on March 31st, 2010 2:48 pm

    While your idea for a ‘Shred’ shirt with a cheese theme would be awesome, this one comes pretty close:

  14. Lisa on April 5th, 2010 10:46 am

    One of the highlights of my Easter holiday was seeing a man wearing that shirt – and my first thought was “OMG, that is the shirt from All & Sundry!!!” Even better, he was wearing it with rose colored pants. Now I regret not secretly trying to take his picture.

  15. doot on August 10th, 2010 3:55 pm

    What annoys me is that Target, like Old Navy, sticks their “plus size” clothes with maternity. Pregnant women are not “plus size.” Plus size women are not pregnant. Gah.

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