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Mar
31
We forgot about Earth Hour on Saturday night—well, technically I knew about it but JB and I were out watching a sustainably-harvested organic movie, Hot Tub Time Machine, so it’s not like we weren’t doing our part—but we did get all post-apocalyptic on Sunday and cooked an entire meal in the fireplace. It consisted of two gourmet courses, hot dogs and marshmallows, with a tangy mustard sorbet as a palate cleanser (which is to say I accidentally doused myself with a bunch of disgusting French’s pee while upending the bottle).
It was so much fun, and the boys loved it, even though Dylan would only eat the bun and Riley managed to coat every inch of his body with sticky melted marshmallow and then promptly got stuck to a sofa cushion.
There are some less-than-quality times when the hours crawl by too slowly and I’m counting down (and counting to 10) until bedtime and we use the TV as a Hail Mary, but I think (hope?) there are many more hotdog-in-the-fireplace times when we’re all just . . . truly enjoying each other’s company. It seems like a newish sort of dynamic, now that Dylan’s old enough to actively participate and hold up his weird little end of the conversation. Like we’re not just two flailing adults trying to keep small children alive, we’re a foursome.
It feels more important than ever to have dinner together as often as possible, no matter how chaotic and messy and short-lived it is. It’s the one time during the week when we can all sit down and eat a meal as a family, and it rarely happens because I can’t get home soon enough.
Almost every day, JB picks the boys up from school. He’s the one that greets them, that drives them home, that talks to them about their day. He takes care of their meals. By the time I get home, they’ve been fed and they’re happy, but I wasn’t there for it.
I can’t adjust my hours and I can’t work from home. I can’t move my workplace closer to me or change where I live. Right now, it is what it is: I have to work, I have attendance requirements I have to meet (whether I have sick kids or not), I have a long traffic-choked commute.
Today there’s a White House forum on workplace flexibility, and while I can’t watch it live I hope I have the chance to learn what was discussed because this is an issue that means a lot to me. I don’t know what the answers are, and maybe there are none, maybe it’s enough for now that people are asking the questions.
I know I’ve talked about this before, the commute thing, the coming home late thing, and yet everything’s stayed the same. For years. Here is what I’m committing to in this little space of mine: I’m going to change this crappy situation.
I want to be home in time for dinner.
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Good luck! I know you can do it, and it will all be worth it.
I remember how awful I felt when my husband knew the names of the kids’ teachers at school and pre-school and I didn’t. And not long later, the horrifying realization that some of those teachers thought he was a single father!
I’ve been there. I understand. It sucks.
Good for you! My husband and I are fortunate enough to be able to stagger our work hours, so I pick up the kids and we’re home by 4:45pm. I love it. We’re eating dinner by 5:30/6pm at the latest and we’re all together. I hope it works out for you, but if it doesn’t, that’s ok too. You’re doing the best you can, regardless. Good luck!
Linda, have you ever considered having a later dinner? I don’t know what time you get home, but I’ve got an almost three year old and we sometimes will eat as late as 7:30. I’m a big fan of schedules, but I compromised to accommodate dinner together, since it’s so important to us. Her bedtime is supposedly 8, and dinner is supposedly 6:30, but instead, we often eat at 7:00 or 7:30. If it’s super late, we’ll stave off hunger with a snack and skip the post-dinner bath, so she’s in bed by 9. The parent at home just makes sure dinner is ready to go whenever the late arriving parent walks in the door. It works for us and we eat together almost every night.
I don’t talk about my job much on my blog because I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it. Both my husband and I have been telecommuting for 4.5 years (different companies). We lived in Chicago but wanted to live in Cary (suburb of Raleigh) so we convinced our software companies to let us telecommute.
It is the BEST THING EVER for working parents. I see my kids from wakeup to 8:30 every day, then 5:05 until bedtime. If someone is sick, my husband and I juggle schedules so we can take care of the kid together. I will do just about anything to keep this job because of this benefit.
My husband’s company just got bought by IBM…. IBM’s policy is everyone should telecommute unless they HAVE to be in an office. And bam, my husband will be telecommuting full-time for the foreseeable future.
It is possible, through many different avenues, to have a life with no commute. The opportunities are out there, it’s just finding them that takes time.
It’s so lame that more people can’t work from home, what with it being 20TEN and all! I think the Federal Gov’t, being the biggest employer in the US, should start the ball rolling by allowing the employees of theirs that can to work from home. It would save on gas, make for happier families, etc. I feel for you – I couldn’t work and have kids, I can barely have kids without working!
There’s only one thing that irritates me about this forum and that’s the fact that as of yesterday, I didn’t see them asking any federal employees to the forum. This is probably the #1 battle inside my own federal agency. Technically we’re supposed to have up to 3 days off for telework during the week, but there are gross discrepancies in how the various federal agencies have handled the issue. Some have very progressive management, others not so much.
It’s an uphill battle at my job to get telework and I live in Los Angeles, also the land of hellish commutes. In my division, my co-worker and I are obligated to come in because we’re “single” (and cover every single holiday), but all the parents have had their telework requests approved. This is in spite of the fact that the federal regulations explicitly prohibit telework being used as a replacement for childcare. In other divisions, it’s just handed out on a cronyist basis.
There are a million other reasons I’m leaving the feds (their retention of young, single employees is abysmally low)-but at some point I just realised that the whole myth that government employees get better benefits really isn’t true. I could join any number of wellknown private sector companies and get better benefits, better pay and a significantly better career ladder track. My brother-in-law works from home 4 days a week and he’s a senior officer in his corporation.
Anyway, I sympathize.
It is hard. I don’t think a lot of people understand either. I was recently given an attendance requirement, much like yours, and it really just doesn’t work some days. I was specifically told “we can’t offer that kind of flexibility” when I stated I was working the hours, just that they were from home because my husband travels frequently and with my commute, I couldn’t get a solid 8 hours in.
We’ve made a few adjustments but the biggest thing is, I just decided it had to change. And I made it change. It unfortunately means we are selling our house at such a large loss, most people gasp when I tell them the dollar amount the check we write will be when we close. But it’s changing and it’s a financial sacrafice but one I finally decided had to be done. I’m so ridiculously happy about it too. You’ll get there.
Ditto, sister, D.I.T.T.O. I’m the breadwinner in my family, and the one with the hour long commute, and the one that is missing things. My kid is only 7 months old, but it’s only going to get worse. I don’t know what the solution is, but there has to be a better way.
This issue is so important to me too. I get more and more impassioned by this issue every time I think of it. I have so much to say and I don’t know how to start.
I hope you find a way to do it. I have the workplace flexibility to get home in time for dinner and bedtime (if not work a full day from home entirely), and on the very rare occasions I have to work late, I wonder how in God’s name mothers AND fathers manage to pass five days a week only seeing their kids for as long as it takes them to eat breakfast. It’s heartbreaking, and it’s not even my situation.
I just wish it wasn’t such an uphill battle.
I wish people didn’t have to pitch a fit to work from home or have a flexible schedule.
I once read something like previous generations were motivated by money, titles, time off, etc, but our generation values FLEXIBILITY far more than anything else an employer can offer.
And, for me, that is SO true. I’ll never leave this company; I can work from home whenever I want and work whatever hours I choose. It’s amazing and, unfortunately, very rare.
You have my sympathy. For 12 years I lived at the beach and worked downtown. I didn’t live at the beach because of being a surfer chick or because of my love for sunbathing or anything, I lived there because my kids lived there and I got to see them more often and more easily. But I had to leave home at 6:40 every morning, and didn’t get home until almost 7:00 every night. I didn’t mind the bus ride so much, since I did a lot of reading, sleeping and chatting, but I hated the 12 hours gone in order to work 8, and as I got older and tireder it seemed impossible, and finally a year ago I moved.
I’m 5 miles from work now instead of 25. But I have to leave at 7:10 and I’m not home until 6:15. ONLY 11 hours in order to work 8. To do that, I gave up proximity to grandchildren and friends, and that blissful 2 hours a day of simply sitting with book in hand, dozing to the rhythm of the wheels. I’m thinking of moving back.
Telecommuting would be wonderful, but I work in a law firm and it’s probably not possible. I am old enough to retire, but at the moment am drawing social security benefits and a rather decent salary, and it is hard to think of giving up that kind of income. So I just keep plugging, and wishing for the weekends. I hope you’re able to work out a fix. Maybe if that review at the end of 30 days doesn’t go well, you can find something closer to home? My son-in-law in Oregon refuses to live more than 5 miles from work. I think he’s got something.
You can do it. After the birth of my second child I decided to cut my hours. Thankfully my boss was understanding and now I leave at 3:30pm almost every day. I took a pay cut to do it, but it didn’t matter. For my sanity I had to do it.
Now almost two years later I’m at the same company but a different position. This fall they installed software on my system that allows me to login from home. As long as I keep my computer on at work I can login at home and have access to everything as if I’m sitting in my office.
Whatever your new path, don’t let anyone tell you telecommuting isn’t possible. There are enough new software developments and ideas floating around that many, many jobs could be done during different hours.
I wish you nothing but the best in this chapter of your life.
Your books are organized by color, this impresses me so much, but yet I don’t know WHYYY. It’s like someone showed me an inkblot and its ALL I SEE..
I wish YOU would hold a forum — maybe a webinar? — on how to get so much done in a day, especially when you have so little control over your time. You have a wildly unpredictable commute and two little kids who pick up their share of infectious diseases. Yet you manage to write, train for a marathon, hold down a full time job, provide your husband with attention and companionship, keep your house cleaner than mine has ever been, make dinners from scratch . . .
Do you just never waste a second? Do you have no need for down time?
Or maybe writing and running ARE your “down time” in the sense that you use these activities to relax?
I feel so passionately about this issue. It is so short sighted, small minded and plain ‘ol dumb for companies to refuse to be flexible on this issue. There are a hundred and one reasons why telecommuting works so well (for both the employee and the company) and yet there’s still stick-in-mud employers who hold on steadfastly to the old school doctrine that they must lay eyes on you for 8 hours a day in order to be productive.
I have worked from home for 8 years…since before I had kids. Losing so much valuable time to traffic is not worth it. If you were communiting on their time clock they wouldn’t allow it. Most companies – certainly “modern” ones get this. You should go work for someone not locked into a 1980s mentality on effective workforces.
You, of anyone, will get this situation resolved. *Cheering you on.*
Go, go, go! You’re an adult, you can (to some extent) control your life. Don’t like a situation? It’s up to you to change it.
After my daughter was born, I was awarded the luxurious privilege of teleworking 2 days per week. What a DIFFERENCE it made. (Before her, I had a daily 3-hr commute [total, not each way]). After my twins are born, I am hoping the Office Powers That Be will accept my proposal to telework 3 d/wk. We’ll see. Right now, I’m teleworking 4 d/wk because being in the office every other day with the whole twin pregnancy thang was killing me, and the Office PTB told me to quit coming in because they thought I was endangering the pregnancy.
PS. Do you really sort your books by the color of the jacket cover? I see a lot of people doing that, and all I can wonder is how can you find anything if you don’t remember the color of the cover?
Now that Eric is older (he will be 8 on Friday) I really feel that eating dinner together as a family is very important. Unfortunately our shitty little house is too small and we don’t even have a kitchen table. Eric has to now eat on a TV tray in the ( very small) kitchen because he is ALWAYS spilling things on the living room carpet. My Husband works nights too, so that doesn’t help either.
I feel your pain about the commuting. I drove an hour each way to work for 10 years (I lost my job in October). I took a contract job for 3 months and I was still driving an hour each way but twice the mileage of what I drove before. Now I am home and will be for awhile, it’s nice but totally foreign to me.
Riley getting stuck to a sofa cushion, so freakin funny!
commutes can be so very frustrating, especially in bad traffic and although i have had a rare few zen moments of calm in my car, i mostly am itching to be more productively somewhere else.
i like your attitude here. alot.
So, I’m mostly a lurker but really wanted to comment today. This is an awesome post and I appreciate you sharing! I have many of the same issues and concerns and have also recently decided to do something about it. When I figure out what works, I’ll share! :)
I love “his little weird end of the conversation.” And they are so INSISTENT about whatever weird thing it is they are saying, aren’t they?
I have the opposite — my husband has a long commute, and I work from home, so I do the whole pick up, drive home, feed, etc. My kids are 4 1/2 and 22 months. I completely realize that it’s easy for me to say this when I have the luxury to complain, but I really hate dinnertime right now. They are either clawing at my legs while I try to throw dinner together, or they are refusing to eat the food I just prepared, or throwing it on the wall. Of course we do get in a few words of conversation here and there, but when the kids are this young dinnertime is a feat of endurance, not a candlelit interlude. You know what time I love? After dinner, before bath. Everyone is relaxed, there are no expectations, and it’s the time I can finally stop doing things and just enjoy their company. So, until you do find a solution, maybe just focus on post-dinner togetherness? Fewer fights, less chance of getting ketchup in your hair.
Gosh I hope you do. And if you can, please tell me how!! I find the commute makes me bitter for all the time it takes from my family (which is just my husband and me now, but still).
You know what burns me? That most, if not all, women-with-young-kids representatives will be non-scientists. Flexibility with a freelance writing career? Is that even an issue? An actress who can bring her kids on the set for the 3 months out of the year she has to work? What?
It is so irritating to me, the pandering to the idea of “flexibility” when it really boils down to a small subset of the workforce who’s job has hardly ever been defined by 9 to 5.
i hope things in that department change for you in the near future, but remember, you lucky that at least one of you CAN be there for those things
I took the leap after my second daughter was born. It wasn’t 100%, but being able to grocery shop before 5 and make up for it after 10 changed my life. You have fought some hard battles to incredible effect. Despite not knowing you from (insert the correct end of this saying) I’d put money on you figuring this out.
My husband doesn’t understand why this is such a big deal, but oh does it get to me. My hours are smack dab in the middle of the day 10am until 7pm. I figured it out the other day, and I shouldn’t have, but I see my son for an hour and a half in the morning and at the most 2 1/2 hous at night and I work 5 days a week.
I know exactly what you’re saying and I too am working at changing this.
This is one of those things that no matter what, it doesn’t seem like there’s ever a right answer.
Some of us career moms do have the flexibility to telecommute. Some of us don’t. Some of us have husbands who are equal partners and parents. Some of us don’t.
I think it’s about making decisions every day – every moment – that we feel are the BEST for OUR own unique family situation.
It’s when it doesn’t feel right that you make the change. YOU make the change you feel is right for YOU and YOUR family.
I sure hope you get to be at that dinner table soon. :)
You can do whatever you want. You’re constantly an inspiration in so many aspects. I know you can do this.
And at the end of the day, I’d like to believe we all have a little superwoman in us.
I tuned into the live streaming just in time to hear Obama talk… so I missed what Dooce (and everyone else said).
Does anyone else think it’s possible that Dooce was chosen, not because of her experience on the topic per se, but because including her would make all of US- blogger moms/parents facing these issues- tune in? She’s like the non-celebrity celebrity of the deal… maybe?
I’m curious to know what was discussed… and I KNOW you find a way to make it home for dinner….
I must admit to bitterness about the workplace flexibility forum because I work for the federal government and even though I could do 95% of my job from home without any trouble at all, I am not allowed to telecommute, there is no opportunity for me to work part time, and am allowed to shift my work schedule by at most about 1/2 an hour and even that raises eyebrows. It’s incredibly stupid and frustrating. Still, I work this job because for my profession the hours are very good (in other words my work week is 40 hours instead of 60+) and the pay is reasonable. I had more or less made my peace with this until we had a second child 8 months ago and I see her for maybe an hour in the morning and on daycare days an hour at night and that’s it and it sucks and I’m not at peace anymore.
My husband has been able to go down to 3 days a week because his employer is flexible and because I am the primary bread winner and even though I’m so happy he’s there for our kids, I am also so jealous because I want to be the one who can do that.
There is no point to this comment other than to complain I guess, but I wish things were different and I feel you.
Shoot for eating dinner / doing something together one weeknight per week for now – the same day each week if possible. Then when you get that accomplished, see what you can do to make it two. It’s not an all-or-nothing thing; every meal counts.
Maybe JB could pack up the kids and a picnic, meet you at work, and you could all go somewhere together before the sunlight fades, once or twice a week.
Also, see if you can make more out of your mornings with the kids.
I would prioritize dinner/family time at home over dates with hubby, until you get your schedule to be more kid-friendly. Figure out what the two of you can do after the kids are in bed, rather than taking time away while they could be with you.
I struggle sometimes to have time with my kids, but I try to keep Wednesdays open. On Wednesday, the museums are open until 9pm, so I try to get off work a little early and make it a girls’ night out. And Saturday pm is another girls’ night out. I work at least 2 nights per week, and have a standard dinner out with friends & kids one night. So that leaves 2 nights to try to fit in a little time at the park, a little time cooking together, and/or a little screen time before baths and bed. It would really suck if it weren’t for those near-sacred Wednesday and Saturday evenings.
I’m home everyday for dinner, but I don’t have anyone else to pick them up and make dinner. Sometimes they’re the last kids at daycare. But every meal we eat, is at the table. Whether it’s something I slaved over or something we pick up on the way home. Friday nights are usually movie on the couch nights. Today I had an hour round trip just to drop off ADHD meds that we’d forgotten this morning, but they have testing this week and she needed it.
Besides the bills being paid, THE main reason I need to win the lottery is so I could spend more time with my kids. So I could pick them up from school, they could do their home work and then actually get to play outside! And so I wouldn’t freak about day care issues everytime they have a day off from school.
Good luck woman, just take advantage of every moment you can.
PS- I love you file your books by color! How’s that work out for you. Seen it in magazines and I LOVE it! Need some book shelves first though I guess! :)
Like Smileen, all I can notice in that picture is your books, sorted by color. I will no go back and actually READ this post (after gazing at the photo some more).
MRW, now I’m curious whether we’re working for the same federal agency and division!
Ugh. I’m only, like, five minutes pregnant with my first, but I’m already fretting about this. I have a 45-minute commute each way and one of those jobs where telecommuting is simply not possible. I also work one evening a week and get home at 8 at the earliest. My husband, fortunately, works from home but I am the primary breadwinner. We’ll see how it goes, I guess.
My husband and I roast marshmallows in the fireplace all the time and have often wondered what would happen if we were to do so w/ our little dude (who will be born sometime VERY soon!). So now I know . . . stuck to the sofa. We’ll probably still do it with him, just dress him up in a rain slicker first :)
My husband works 3rd shift and I was working 1st, we were meeting at the doorway at 5pm for him to hand kids off to me, and then my second shift at home would begin so he could go back to bed before going back into work…this was nuts. We were both stressed, we have no family around to help, our very reliable sitter got hired at the postal office. I had to make a change, I quit. Just like that, done. I worked on the budget, just by eliminating my fancy salon with head massages, parafin dips, stone rubs yeah you get the point, that was a huge savings right there. I always looked at it as if, I work I deserve this (and could afford it) but did I need it, NO! My kids and husband need me more, I have never looked back nor have I missed the money…we are fine, seriously! :)
Kami: I believe it, and I’m happy for you. I’ve heard the suggestion more than once that if only I adjusted my budget I could make a choice like that, but some things just wouldn’t get paid. Like our mortgage. : )
I am very fortunate my employer allows me to telework 4 days a week. But this is because all of my work is done on the computer which means I can do it from anywhere. But the chief reason is a chronic health condition that requires me to exercise every couple of hours for a few minutes using Pilates props which can’t be carted to the workplace. Workplace also has ample evidence I am productive so they aren’t concerned on that front. If I didn’t have a health condition, they wouldn’t support it and this just seems so backwards to me.
Working at home saves money, time, and reduces the carbon footprint (workplace claims to care about), so what’s not to support? (With the exception of the lazyasses who would abuse the privilege. And these people are easily dealt with by saying no.)
Additionally, I get way more done. At the office, everyone mostly gabs and socializes. At home I have no distractions.
Dinner as a family is so important. Once the boys are in school and sports you will cherish your time together. Sunday nights are so great for us- it’s fun and light with laughter. I love it.
I grew up in Redmond and when my brother and I were Riley and Dylan’s ages my mom worked in downtown Seattle. She worked long hours and couldn’t do much to control her schedule, due to the nature of her work. And, um…I’m turning 30 this year so the traffic wasn’t NEARLY as bad as it is for you now. I remember so clearly when she took a job closer to home (Kirkland) and we could see her for dinner every night. It was wonderful.
I know now that she took a job that paid less and was less academically rewarding, but in the end it was what worked for our family. I truly appreciate the sacrifices she made. I know your boys will too, if you chose something similar.
Oh man, I hope you can find a solution. I would kill if D could be home in time for dinner…eating without him just plain sucks.
You are right on the money about family dinners. Family dinner is where your kids learn about you, and vice versa. They learn conversational skills, table manners, humor, and more!
Questions, quandaries, opinions, debates: you will touch on all of it, and that is what makes you… a strong family.
We also struggle with the inability to have family dinners during the week. I don’t see that changing any time soon.
Hey! I thought you hated Twilight, and yet I spy with my little eye…
Woman, there is a freelance writer inside you, dying to get out.
I work from home as a freelancer, and it’s the best thing I ever did. It’s not easy juggling kids and work, and the money flow isn’t predictable, but if you can live with all of that, it may be worth a try.
My favorite aspect of vacations — not the beach we visit or the sun or the fun or the boardwalk… it’s the meals at the table with the entire family. Three times a day.
There is nothing more gratifying – and luxurious – than family meals.
You can make dinner happen. Somehow. Some way. We all believe you’re superwoman. And we all are wishing the best for you.
I thought of you when I saw the plans for the new 520 bridge on the news this morning. I’ll look forward to hearing what you’re able to work out. You’re right on, time with the kids is the most important thing.
I’m dropping from 40-50 hours a week, down to a hard 32 hour after #2 is born next month. Well, after I go back from maternity leave. It has been come a sanity requirement. For us, it’s the small stuff (a reasonably clean kitchen, grocery shopping) that needs more attention. My kids need healthier food than I make with these current hours.
I already do drop off and pick up, just work a lot of evening hours to make up for it. My husband works huge hours. He has the ability to telecommute, and does it sometimes, but often, it’s just harder for him to get his work completed.
In France, the work hours tend to be more like 9-7 so the normal schedule for kids is a big snack after school at 4:30(its actually considered a meal), then playtime/homework, a bath and pyjamas, and then around 7:30 when parents are home from work, they all eat dinner together. I think its so weird for kids to eat in their pyjamas but this is what EVERYONE does. In fact, I get funny looks when I say that my girls eat at 6 and then take a bath afterwards. After dinner, its off to bed. Its something that you guys could try until you manage to switch your schedule.
Good luck! It sounds like you are determined to change your lifestyle so you are bound to succeed.
I’m on both ends of that stick. I work ridiculously early in the morning, and so my husband is the one who gets to (has to? it’s all about perspective, I suppose) get the girls dressed, do their hair and take them to school in the morning. I wish I was there to do braids and bows and matching outfits, but I need to work early so that I can beat the traffic.
On the flip side, my husband works a lot of evenings so supper time is often just me and my girls. You’re so right – it is SOOO important, and as they get older it is starting to be more of a pleasure and less of a struggle, but there are still days when I dread that second shift.
I can SO relate to this. I pick up my daughter adn get home at around 6pm. Sometimes my husband is home, sometimes not.
We rarely eat dinner as a family. Hell, I’m happy that we eat dinner at all some days!
My company REFUSES to allow telecommuting. I asked after I had my daughter. I was told that the head honcho believes that if you’re home, you’re not working. Nice.
I hope you have better luck!
I want you to be home for dinner, too. You deserve that.
Do you still work 3 days a week?
Whoops! The previous question sounded snarky and I didn’t mean for it to. I’m a teacher and am personally sick of being congratulated on All That Time Off (that I don’t get paid for and spend raising my children). I was just curious about your work schedule.
I totally agree on the importance of eating together as a family, and my soon-to-be-4 son loves it when we can do it (he even suggested we do laundry together “as a family” at which my husband did some fast talking to get out of the request).
The only reason we’re eating dinner more as a family these days is that my husband got laid off a month ago. He was the one that was home maybe two nights a week for dinner, maybe one more night before B’s bedtime. A new job will inevitably mean a move for us – I’m hoping a more sane commute (mine is an hour by subway) and family life comes along with it!
Jessica: no, I’m at 4 days/week now.
I too am curious about the “late dinner” idea. I grew up having dinner at around 7:30, because my dad generally got home at 7. Is that a possibility?
I hope you can find a solution that makes you happier, whatever that may be.
I work in a crappy dead end job that I hate because it allows me to come in at 7:30 and leave at 4:00. I get to pick my son up from daycare and we are ALL home by 4:30, and it is priceless. Priceless. My husband is a fledgling artist and is just building up his career, and MAYBE one day I’ll have the chance to stay home, but for now this is what works for us and I am grateful for my shitty job for this one singular thing that it allows me: Time with my family. Seems backwards, no? Hugs to you and I hope you find that perfect balance.
Good for you Linda! :)
I just can’t believe how few people/companies are willing to think outside the box. This isn’t the 50’s anymore! Good luck – you’ll make a difference!
I took the job I currently have because I knew I could work just 9-5, which would give me the flexibility I needed for a life, which grew to include a husband and child. So I’m lucky; technically, I could eat dinner with my son, though my husband is rarely home in time.
But I feel trapped. After six years, I’m really frustrated and there’s no room for growth at my job. We need almost all of my income. I could take a job that I liked better that pays slightly less, but what are the odds I’ll find one that guarantees I can work a strict 40-hour week?
Workplace flexibility is not unlike the health insurance debate — if people are stuck in their jobs for whatever reason, new economic activity suffers.
When we started the chain reaction that eventually led to our crazy house-losing process that luckily ended in short sale and not forclosure, it was over that commitment. I wanted to be home before 6:45.
I have NO regrets about it. We live in a rental now, we cut costs and we moved to live near my parents (child care.) I work from home and after two years working 50 hour weeks starting when my first child was 6 weeks old, I do NOT take this flexibility for granted.
When I read about your commute, I get a knot in the pit of my stomach because I remember that and it makes me NUTCAKES that you’re in a less-than-ideal situation.
It’s hard, man.
Why did this post make me cry? OY! Workplace flexibility is an issue close to my heart as well. I’m working with a bunch of awesome and dedicated women (see #worklife hashtag on Twitter) to help push through some useful legislation. 40 hours exists beyond 9-5. We can all figure out how to work 40 hours in a way that makes sense in our lives. I like to be home for dinner too.
You make me feel bad (again) for snarking at you on Twitter last week when traffic was especially crazy. Sorry about that.
Workplace flexibility is an issue for us non-parents too. I am fortunate enough to work for a company that supports workplace flexibility. It does seem more heavily accepted for parents than us singles, but not overtly so. I seem to get more cred by being open about having a dog at home that can’t be stuck in the house more than 9-10 hours (and even then I have a dogwalker 4 days a week).
But the point I want to make is that there is a downside (that for most wouldn’t outweigh the upside) to working at home. There gets to be an expectation that you’re always on. The blackberry has to be monitored almost constantly. I work at home only one day a week but I feel like I never really get to be off from work. Part of that comes from a team culture that is so flexible that people are working all hours of the day and night (especially when you factor in global team members), everyone working according to their own schedule. Part of that is that feeling we women seem to share–that we can never really do enough, be good enough, etc. UGH.
That said, Linda, you have tons of support out here for pursuing a change in mindset with your employer. The work world is changing and eventually employers who want to keep top talent are going to have to change with it.
No advice, just sympathy. This morning, when my 3 year old daughter asked me where I was going and I told her work, she said, “but I NEED you”. The look on her face almost killed me.
My kids asked me the other day: Mom, will you be with us on Easter? Ah, the joys of a 7-day workweek. We do spend time together every day, but we also have to part ways every day. Yet as a result, that rare “actual day off” is such a treat for all of us – at least we don’t take it for granted.
To me, it’s important to build a sense of “normalcy” even if your normal isn’t what the Internet calls ideal. Figure out what you can & can’t change, and act in a positive, proactive way regarding both. My kids like my attention like most kids like ice cream – the more the better – but I’m not about to be guilted by that. First I make the most of the time we do have together. Next I work on the changes needed to get more time together, until it’s objectively enough. Next, I approach our time apart as a good thing too – the kids have valuable experiences at school, I make a difference at work, and we all come together in the evenings with new perspectives to share. Hooray!
Whatever you do, don’t fall into the trap of blaming your employer for your personal issues, e.g., the length of your commute, the time of your family dinner and bedtimes, the fact that you may not feel chipper enough to have quality time in the mornings before work.
monkeyinasuit I read your comment and thought the same thing. My friends and family seem to think working for the Feds has great benefits and flexibility blah blah, but not that I’ve seen so far and I’ve been here 12 years.
You are so very clear on your priorities, I just have no difficulty believing you will find a solution.
One interim idea until then: my little ones could never wait for dad to get home for dinner… if we had made them wait that long for food, they would hardly have been cheerful children greeting him after a long day at the hospital. BUT… family dessert (or bedtime snack) can work when the later parent gets home… Even if they are bathed, and PJ’ed, they can look forward to 20 minutes of table time to talk and laugh as a family … especially if YOUR arrival is the cause for celebration and ice-cream! You’ll spend a few years eating dinner in reverse.
I wish you all the luck in the world in making this happen. As amazing as your company can be at times with the chef and the massages, if they can’t help you mitigate the daily hell that your commute brings, I don’t know how they can expect you to work productively and happily there. Have they given you any chance to telecommute? I think if there’s any chance that you could gain more flexibility at some point, this book is great for examples of so many cases where flexibility/trust/understanding/buzzwords made everything better for the company and the workers. I loved it, anyway: Unbending Gender: Why Family and Work Conflict and What to Do About It, by Joan Williams. Maybe it’ll be good for having confidence in negotiating a better situation with Workplace or maybe straightening out in your head what gets priority when looking somewhere else. (Not a million miles away!?)
AND I love Karen’s idea of sitting together for bedtime snack/dessert. Warm milk and cookies before dinner gets a yes please from me.
Comforting to know so many of us are in the same..boat (or car, stuck in traffic, waiting to get home to see our little ones). Like many of you, I am the breadwinner & my husband is the primary caregiver. I do feel like I’m missing out. I often work through lunch just so I can come in a little later & leave a little earlier, to spend some time with my pookie in the morning & so we can have dinner together. But that has been bad for me, as I used to exercise on my lunch hour. Such a conundrum.
Ahhh, one more thing that reminded me of you: “The daily activities most associated with happiness are sex, socializing after work and having dinner with others. The daily activity most injurious to happiness is commuting.” Quote from David Brooks NYT op-ed, about Sandra Bulloch of all things. He makes lame points about how she supposedly was giving up her personal relationships for her work, but that fact above was a nice relevant tidbit.
This it completely off topic but can I just say I think you’ve handled the whole Dooce/work flexibility wonderfully, and, like an actual adult? You are one of just a couple of “mom blogs” I read anymore and it because of fake ass drama like this. It is so much like high school it is truly unbelievable to me that grown people are still acting like this.
Has it seriously gotten to the point that you can’t even question whether Dooce is the the appropriate representative for, well, everything? I guess she is the stand in for all women at this point.
Anyway, just want to say, YOU are coming off as the grown-up here and, yes, as a working mother Dooce does not represent me, as successful, and talented, as she might be.
My fiance and I don’t have any kids yet, and are lucky enough to work a quick 10 minutes from where we live (at the most). We both work in local government, although in different departments. We’ve made the concious decision to make less money (like my engineer FI makes 75% of his market value) in exchange for a 40 hour workweek max, comp time, and flexibility that isn’t an option in the private sector. THere are days that I wish we had the cash to go to Mexico, but I remind myself that I’ve made choices that my daily sanity is more valuable than one week in the surf.
Unfortunately, my boss retired at Christmas, and I’m terrified that the new guy won’t have the same viewpoint of work flexibility for my department. We’ll see.
I only post this to say that the flip side is good, but there are decisions to be made. I think once we have kids, we can afford to stay working in these flexible jobs, but not afford to save for college educations for them. So which is the better choice?
Hell. Neither. It’s a pitfall on both sides.
Great post. And I just want to say that you have the best, most articulate, clear-headed commenters I’ve ever seen on any blog EVER (along with the fabulous folks at askmoxie)–that says a lot. And I think you know what I mean. Thank you for your writing, your perspective, and your inspiration.
Okay, I’d like to begin by saying I love you, so this is not meant to be one of those mean, random comments, although it is definitely off topic. But I just noticed something interesting in the fireplace picture. Are the books in your bookshelf arranged by the colors of their spines?
I see you starting a fitness bootcamp near your house. You use the outdoors so it’s practically no cost to you. You are a great motivator and it seems to be what you are going towards with your degree. I did 18 weeks (3 session) and I loved it. Some of the people in my class did it year round. If you can get enough people to pay you, you could do really well. $300 for a six week session, times say 50? That’s pretty good money. Depending on if you have a morning and an afternoon class, how many days a week you do it, etc. Just a thought.
You just gave me a pretty fantastic idea and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner. I’ll email you later but leaving a comment because I’m thinking of the unfairness of your predicament and what I would do in your position (if-God willing-I become a parent). And it makes me a little annoyed. I’m really fucking lucky but not everyone is and I really don’t get why not.
I would just like to state publicly how lucky I feel that I work for an institution that promotes flexible schedules and a boss that has allowed me, after the birth of my daughter, to change my schedule numerous times (with a reduction of hours)based on the nuances of her child care. She’s in preschool now, and he did not bat an eyelash when I proposed, yet another change, and agreed to my 8-3:30PM request. In return, I work hard. When I leave at 3:30 each day, my work is done, and done well. I believe that when given respect and flexibilty, people are much more productive, and eager to please.
PS. Dinner with preschoolers is over-rated.
Ugh…I just can’t believe that there are STILL so many companies out there that refuse to let their employees work flexible hours. I’m not even talking about telecommuting, just giving a range of start times so that people can adjust their schedule to whatever works best for them.
EVERY company I have worked for in the last 20 years has offered this, and there is absolutely NO reason for companies not to, unless the job involves some sort of customer interaction when specific hours must be covered. Even then there are ways to make flextime work!
I know you will make something work for you, it just sucks that companies make it so hard!
Well, all I can say is that once My Workplace gave me a Laptop, it initially eased my Maternal Guilt, until I realized that while I was physically “present” when my kids came home from school, it was sometimes 8:00 pm before I fed them dinner (and they could have set the house on fire before then and I probably would not have noticed because I was too busy WORKING.)