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Aug
12
I’ve often joked about Dylan’s epic temper tantrums—remember the dog hair?—but I guess I never thought he was particularly out of the ordinary in this regard. Some kids are prone to tantrums, some aren’t, right? But probably most are. That’s why they call it terrible twos, after all.
Yesterday, however, when JB picked him up from school and Dylan was in the midst of some angry tirade about god knows what, his teacher confessed that no one in class tantrumed quite like Dylan. She said it lovingly and with a rueful shaking head, but still. You don’t like to hear that it’s your kid who’s the very best at being very bad, you know?
He get so furious, so upset about the stupidest toddler-sized things, and I know that’s par for the course. 2-year-olds go all Naomi Campbell at the drop of a hat because that’s how they’re wired: with a jumble of frayed, sparking electronics half-submerged in water.
They may lose their shit when faced with the terrible injustice of having to wear shoes, but they’ll go equally ballistic with joy over spotting a squirrel outside. Toddlers are binary creatures and they pretty much either suck or are awesome, with few in-betweens. I know this.
Ah, but still. I feel this creeping sense of failure. Why is it my kid who’s top of the class in shit-losing? What are we doing wrong that he can’t be calmed out of a tantrum, that we’re at his mercy until he’s goddamned well decided to be done?
We try distractions, soothing. We lose our own tempers and yell. We send him to his room. In the end, nothing really helps but time.
Afterwards he wants to be hugged, he buries his little wet face in our necks. It’s like we forget he isn’t in control, in those maddening minutes. We can’t seem to help him get control.
Meanwhile, I worry about my boy Riley, whose reactions to getting hurt are equally epic in sheer energy expenditure. The screaming, the flailing, his crazymaking refusal to allow comfort. Later, the giant damp eyes, the quiet, and my fearful wonder of whether or not we made the situation worse with our own frustration and impatience.
Different issues, same loss of control. Same inability to cope. Same parental bumbling—what do I do, what do I do, what do I do. Ultimately, the parents end up in the same place as the children: operating by emotion, filled with regret afterwards.
And how ridiculous it is, how stupid and painful to admit that I have this hope or expectation that they can learn to control themselves better—when I can’t seem to do it myself.
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My mother was flat out amazing and raised two fully functioning, healthy adults who never got in to any serious trouble, etc etc. And we both were highly emotional kids who had out of control tantrums until our brains developed enough to allow for some self-control. If it happened in public, she’d take us in to the bathroom (at the start, when she could still safely pick us up and move us) and sit on the counter waiting for it to be over. There was no calming us down until we wound down… Just to let you know you’re not alone in this.
I really don’t think you are doing anything wrong. But I seem to have a two-year-old who is better at throwing temper tantrums than any other two-year-old, too. So maybe I’m just lying to myself.
God I hope not.
I think we’re at the peak of the terrible two’s. That is if we get any higher, I’m jumping. And please don’t tell me about THREE. Fingers in ears. La la la.
It’s something isn’t it? I just think of it this way: how am I when I’m at the very HEIGHT of PMSing? I know how that feels–wanting to throw a coffee mug at someone’s face because they asked me how my weekend was. And I don’t, but I’d love to.
I imagine toddlers feel the exact same way as us but can’t reign it in. And if I WERE able to go balls to the wall with rage I’d feel so much better. Much like a good cry. So when it comes to Theo and his fits, we let him go to town as long as he’s not hurting himself or others. Because I imagine that’s what I’d want. Sometimes I DON’T want anyone to try to make me feel better dammit–I’M ANGRY RAWR! And afterwards? We’re all good dude.
At least he wants hugs afterwards you know? That’s a good sign in my opinion and it’s not like I know what I’m talking about.
Toddlers. Little walking ids.
I think that two-year-old behavior, especially on the losing-it, out-of-control end of the spectrum, has much less to do with parenting and much more to do with innate personality. I.e., Dylan’s passionate, not (at all!!) badly parented.
I will print this out and put it on my fride to remind myslef to try – try being the key word – to control myself in those instances.
I am convinced that my sister, six years younger than me, was possibly the worst fit-thrower ever. She did it everywhere, all the time – dramatic, body-flopping fits where she would slide down the nearest wall and hide her face in her hair shrieking out loud. I can still remember my terror that was watching her make herself vomit in a Luby’s lobby on a Sunday as all the 60 year old Presbyterians filed past us and onto their post-church lunch. I could have died. She was so sensitive and so emotional that the wrong looks could set her off.
You would never know that to look at her today. She is quite possibly the easiest person you have ever met. She is also a lovely, sensitive, and capable adult.
I keep reminding myself of this on days like today, where I feel like I am failing in some HUGE way because – seriously – my daughter gets set off by the most trivial things. She does this thing where she covers her mouth and backs away from me, weeping, until she runs into the wall (just causing more crying and wailing).
I think it is easy for parents to feel like failures because the job is so damn important, and the product is constantly changing, and every, single time you master one challenge it is onto the next.
I agree with the above comments – and that while good parenting is important -likey your boys respond they way they do because it’s their personality. The older they get the more in control they will be (of themselves). My oldest (who is now 10) used to have similar fits – to the point I wondered if at some point she would be in some kind of juvenile anger management program. Now she still gets frustrated, she just expresses it more maturely. It’s not easy right now, but over time they will get better. Not just the angry tantrums, but the overly sensitive reactions as well.
(what I mean is that I think you are a good parent – and that it is who they are – but not to say parenting has no impact, obviously it makes a huge difference – but at a certain point, you just have to wait it out…and eat a brownie while you wait)
I wish that I could tell you that it gets better but (in my family) it hasn’t. As they get older, it changes but the tantrums are still there all the way though the teen years. Soon enough the flailing, body-flopping etc. will turn in to door slamming and cursing.
I implore you not to think that their sensitive personalities mean that you guys are not good parents. It’s clear that you and JB are the best parents that you can be and it’s abundantly clear that you love your boys with all of your heart…and really, that is all you can do.
I’ve used the same method for each of my four kids. If we were out in public and they pulled a fit they got one warning and they were told if they continue of do it again I would take their pants down and spank them there in public. Each of them tried it once, got spanked and never tried it again. The first sign of a fit at home and they went to their room. They could act out in their room if they wanted but without someone to watch them they gave up quickly. Of course both of my wife’s disagreed with my method and I look forward to your letters.
My son Bennett, now six, has also been an epic tantrummer, regularly losing his shit with no regard for where we were, how loud he was, etc. Our pediatrician recommended the book “Parenting The Defiant Child” and it has been a godsend. It is by Dr. Alan Kazdin (director of The Yale Parenting Institute), and his method is based on research and scientific evidence of what works, not anecdotal accounts of what worked for him or a handful of people. We feel like we finally have the tools we need, a plan to get him and us through this intact and happy.
Most gifted kids are like that. I would wonder less about your parenting and figure out better ways to handle the situation, in a positive way. My kids would probably blow most kids away with their tantrums, but there are ways to help them cope.
“Toddlers are binary creatures.” Did you just think that up? because DAMN.
My daughter’s tantrums were panic attacks. Like Dylan does with lawn mowers. What would set her off was unpredictable, and then so unpredictable it was a little predictable. (If that makes sense.) She’s outgrown the 2 year old version, and is a pretty easy going 3 year old. We consulted a child psychologist at the recommendation of her ped. He was great. I recommend seeing one highly, just to get a professional opinion that you are doing everything you could as a parent. Along with a few tips that were really helpful. Anyway, he told us that we would probably see this in waves, peaking at around 6, and then backing off. Some kids are just more like this.
I used to literally pull my own hair. And sometimes pull it out. I just grew out of it, and I am pretty mellow now by all accounts.
My mother didn’t have particularly stellar parenting skills. I assume that if you mostly ignore him, Dylan will realize that eating dog hair is less defiant and more unpleasant for him; just like I discovered that pulling my own hair hurts.
This post could be about my children and about me today. Their epic, unexplained tantrums. My own in response. You’re not alone. I don’t think we’ve failed.
“And how ridiculous it is, how stupid and painful to admit that I have this hope or expectation that they can learn to control themselves better—when I can’t seem to do it myself.”
And, this is why I love you. Your ability to put my daily emotional baggage into words astounds me. Sorry I have no advice for the tantrum ending, but thanks again for sharing your life so we can all feel like we are in this together.
I have a two-year-old myself and this post describes my daily struggle perfectly. Am I being too lenient? Not tough enough? Not understanding enough? Not giving enough guidance on how to cope? and on and on and on….
At the risk of finger pointing here, I can’t help but wonder what the purpose of the teacher’s comment was. If she really thinks this is an actual problem, she could mention it in a more formal capacity with some possible solutions. But it sounds like venting, in which case she could save it til she gets home and tell it to her spouse or cat and leave you out of it. I just say this because this would be exactly the kind of thing to send me down the old analysis paralysis rabbit hole of parenting, when in reality it sounds like Dylan is simply a normal toddler. If she thinks otherwise, addressing it in a passive aggressive way solves nothing. Perhaps I am overprotective of you because I know if I were in your position I would lose a lot of sleep over the comment, that is, if I were getting any to begin with. ;)
I think your last paragraph is the answer, really. Both of your boys are still little. They haven’t been at this a very long time. They are trying things out, just like we are. Please don’t consider yourself a failure as a parent-I go through that cycle all the time and know it sucks, SO MUCH.
It is what it is. Don’t blame your parenting skills or own behavior. You could be a marshmallow and still have the same kids. I am NOT going to say “it’s just a phase” lol.. That teacher should not have said what she said.. she probably peeled the wallpaper off the walls with her shrieks when she was a toddler.. and nobody remembers because it was such a short period in her life.
I don’t know how possible it is to teach someone else how to cope. I think all you can do is show them that it’s possible to get through whatever it is they’re dealing with. Maybe they both just need you to stay calm and ride it out with them. Maybe praise them for getting it together when they finally do? And then hope that they get better at it with practice. I’m sure they will.
I was my cousin’s primary parent until he was 5 and his father decided to grow a pair (bio-mom still a deadbeat). As I am only 14 years older than he is, you can imagine that, while I did the best I could, I was somewhat lacking in parental skillsets and was certainly overindulgent and inadequate when it came to discipline. He was mostly a really mellow kid, but when his abandonment issues clashed with that epic toddler defiance…hoo boy. When he was 2 and a half, his preschool informed me that in the throes of a tantrum he pulled down his pants and defecated on the floor of his classroom (and he was, at that point, fully potty trained). He had a scream that could leave the house, fill out a CPS form all by itself and pick up that candy bar he wanted on its way back. Luckily the neighbors were hippies, uninclined to call the cops. Then he turned 4 and all was well. Still had issues up the yin-yang (”this is my mommy who is my cousin,” yeah…) but we were tantrum free.
Dude, you’re a great mom. You’re doing an amazing job.
No asskissery here- just… Sometimes it helps to hear it. I’m saying it a lot today.
Your boys are AWESOME, and everyone has the same issues you do, so it’s nothing you’ve done or not done to or for them.
Maybe they’re so epic with the tantrumming because they’re passionate, smart kids, and they’re feeling something that’s just a little to big for their wee bodies at the moment. Smart as they are, they’re still tiny, and they don’t know what to do about what’s going on in their heads. So they flip out.
They’ll deal better when they can. They’re doing exactly what they should be doing now: seeing what FEELING feels like, pushing themselves and others, and losing their ever loving minds. Kids, man. What’re you gonna do.
Well clearly they’re not getting enough pasties :) I’m going through the same type of thing with my two year old…He seems to have forgotten all his words except grunts, screems, and tantrums.
I like to tell myself “he’s going through a growth sprut” or “he’s about to make a new developmental breaktrhough” or for my husband the gamer “he’s about to level up”. But really, he’s just a pain in the ass huggy kissy 2 year old.
My newest trick is all organic food and no high sugar fruits or veggies before nap time…I’ll let you know if it works…if I can manage to remember not to cave and give him the Scooby snacks (hey, starting stuff is fun, it’s the follow through that I have trouble with).
I’m already preparing for the “we think your child has ADD” speech I think we’ll get from his school teacher…which I know is too young to diagnose in a 2 year old, but I am pretty darn sure my son doesn’t have it. He’ll sit and play with something he’s not supposed to have nice and quietly for a good hour or more.
Next time, just smile politely at the teacher and say “Gosh, we don’t have any problems with his tantrums at home…What coping techniques are you using?”
I don’t know how well his verbal skills are but my son had EPIC temper tantrums until he was at least 2 1/2 (when he was finally able to verbalize WELL what he wanted and needed)…. for awhile I was worried he was mildly autistic due to the horrible nature of these meltdowns, but once he hit that milestone where he knew what to say and how to say it, the meltdowns disappeared.
When he has a tantrum he loses his shit.
When he loses his shit, you lose your temper and lash out at him.
Children learn what they live. You cant control him, but you can control the way you deal with him and they way you relate to him.
Try changing the way you deal with him. Get all Zen on his ass and see what happens.
I say this as a mother of a 2 1/2 year that would freak out so badly at the stupidest thing he would throw up on his teachers. Oh yes. I was the parent to THAT child.
Once I changed up the way I dealt with him, and modeled a healthier way to deal with frustrations, he really made a turn around.
He’ll be 6 next week, and he is such a calm and happy kid, now.
Good Luck, Linda.
I don’t have anything to offer of the insight nature but I totally share the feeling of ineptitude that you describe. Parenting is so full of head-slaps it isn’t even funny. I wish I had more to offer but I don’t like to offer assvice when I can’t even control my own kids.
ugh. Yes. I SOOOOO FEEL YOUR PAIN. I hate when I lose my shit and I feel like I have to apologize to my 4 year old for the way I acted in response to his behavior. It sucks. Infact there has been many a day I even cried WITH him.
I wish I could force myself into time out when I am losing my cool.
One of our four kids was problematic about tantrums. It tried our patience, ad infinitum.
Today? All four kids are college grads, and the tantrum-thrower is successful and paying her own way, to the salary tune of which she can support herself and her aging parents.
So…grin and bear it.
All I have to say.
I think its just in his personality. My daughter is just about to hit 2, and can throw temper tantrums the like of which some have never seen before.
Have you ever looked up the description of a ’spirited child’ and how to raise them? He may not completely fit into that category (mine does), but there are always some tips on how to deal with their ‘quirks’
One word for the day care worker. Amateur. As long as he isn’t clawing off his own face then what’s the problem? Then again I don’t have kids so feel free to take my opinion with a salt of grain.
I have absolutely no advice for you, but can I offer you a laugh?
http://wedinator.com/2010/07/30/viral-ring-modern-claddagh-ring-aka-the-goatse-ring/
First, it’s not about you. You want to really believe that, because it’s true. Your parenting has very little to do with how your kids act, especially at a toddler age. Learning comes later, what they are doing now is largely hard-wired.
So, now what? You have a couple kids and one in particular who is wired with just an on-off switch. OK, it’s a pisser, you thought this was going to be easy? hahaha! What you DON’T want to do is descend into wimpy mumblings about it being your fault. Nor do you want to get all fascist on his ass, simply because it won’t work yet, he’s too young. So what you do is hang in there, discourage the worst of the tantrums. Have a good laugh at the spectacle (that helped at least one of my 4 come out of it, she didn’t like being laughed at!) Encourage the good and discourage the bad. Follow your instincts, at least most of ‘em, because (outside of the self-blaming ones) they are mostly good.
I’ll be reading about how Dylan is going to be a vet (or I dunno, maybe an airline pilot!) but I wouldn’t worry about him becoming a street thug just yet.
I meant to add: you or JB might see personality elements in the boys that you don’t like, maybe elements you strive against yourselves. That would hardly be surprising. Now is not the time to stress out over it, though. Take note, and as they get older (maybe 6 and up, but everyone’s different) you can work with them on it. I was too reluctant to try new things as a kid and I worked with my 3rd who was me on it. She’s still cautious about a lot of things but she has taken chances and done things that I never would have.
So yes, you can help them, and no, you can’t change them. Does that make sense?
The way you wrote that, I have the impression tantrums are part of Dylan’s charm. Which is awesome. Somehow, even when you’re writing about something that frustrates you, you manage to inject love and affection. I admire that.
Meltdowns must be a release for children but a kid who can have one regularly is also showing he knows he’s loved for who he is.
I have no idea what the solution is…let them ride it out as long as they don’t hurt themselves.
Oh wow, we’re totally in the same place kid wise. My 2yr old has tantrums that can shatter crystal. Honestly the only thing that works for us, is total IGNORING. LIke as in, leave the room, or just mindlessly flick throughthe channels while pointedly NOT noticing the noise. After the first five tantrums of doing this, he would calm down in matter of minutes. Now we rarely see a tantrum. Not so easy to figure out is to get my older one to calm down when he gets upset by the tiniest thing, he’s 5 next week…parenting…the drama continues…
My youngest has had the worst tantrums of my three kids. Crazy loud, red-faced, in public tantrums. And honestly, I’ve probably been a calmer, “better” parent with her than with my first two. So, I have to think it’s just in them. Just as you can’t really take the credit when they are sweet, you can’t take the blame when they lose it.
I feel your pain! Toddler meltdowns were the worst!
I agree with Crystal at 6:25pm – change your reaction to his meltdown and see what happens. He has an audience right now. Be calm, cool and just make sure he doesn’t injure himself in some way. They do grow out of him but maybe this will help him grow out of it faster.
If it’s any consolation, my niece was the same way as both your boys. Super sensitive and prone to just nuclear meltdowns. She’s now majoring in Food Science at a top university with offers of paid internships and attending post grad workshops as a sophomore.
Our three year old has the HUGE tantrums and we have tried everything we can think of as well. What sucks is that each tantrum has it’s own “turn off switch” – and it never seems to be the same thing two times in a row. It is so frustrating because we TRY to help her find her way out of it, find her way to NOT be in trouble (since her tantrums include throwing and kicking etc.). I just hope this will translate into a strong adult personality that doesn’t take any crap from anyone!!!
The more language they get, the better they can potentially do– but some people are just “wired” for tantrums– I have this terrible temper, and if I’m not careful it can still go off and I’m like a two year old again.
You’re already doing a great job, with distractions and soothing– the more he can talk and understand you, the better you’ll be able to guide your child through the emotions he’s feeling and find constructive ways to deal with the anger/frustration.
These things take years to master/learn, and your son is lucky he has you to love him and teach him these things.
And sending him to his room is acceptable discipline for this kind of thing- we won’t hang out with you if you’re acting like this, go take some time and calm down, and then we’ll hang out with you.
Another thing that can work sometimes is music- if there’s a special CD you can play to help him remember a calm feeling (like a naptime or classical soothing CD), you can go all Pavlovian on him.
My older daughter who just turned 5 is a “sensitive” child, and has been prone toward epic tantrums since she was around 2. Lucky for me (but not her teachers) there was a boy in her class who had similar “issues” so I didn’t feel so alone. Mostly it’s gone away, but we still have one every few months. We had a tantrum a few months ago because her sister got some Mickey Mouse panties and she did not – screaming all the way home from Target about how she wanted Mickey Mouse panties. We also had one last week that on the surface appeared to be about a missing pen lid, but underneath was about her emotions about starting Kindergarten last week. I’m so happy to read the comments about other kids who have similar tantrums.
I understand the feelings of failure, because it seems that once they get going on these tantrums, there is no stopping them until they wind down on their own. We’ve tried everything, but nothing really works.
When our daughter was 2, I often found myself saying “Get some coping skills, for the love of Jesus!” Now she’s almost 4 and while the flailing tantrums are minimal, the dramatic streak definitely continues. I’m reasonably sure she’s going to be the dictator of a small island nation when she grows up. Maybe Dylan could be her second in command?
Anyway, I feel like a failure all the time, but I think we’re doing the best we can. Maybe. I hope…
Same boat. Feel your pain and express the same internal worries about myself and my kids. SO not alone, trust me. Hang in there, hang on to the good moments.
From day one with our daughter (who is now five and a half) we’ve said that she’s binary – she’s either on and awesome, or she’s off and horrendous. It doesn’t help that she has curly hair (”there was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead; when she was good she was very very good, when she was bad she was horrid”).
Then our son came along, and he is a temper-tantrum power ranger MASTER. Now that he’s two, there are a lot of power struggles, screaming and crying fits, throwing of things, hitting, etc. It’s a smidge trying, for sure.
We’ve said, and will continue to say, that we hope that they learn to use their power and independence and intelligence for good instead of EEEEEEvil when they get older – I don’t know that they’re gifted, per se, but just very determined little people. That will serve them well when they are older and know how to direct their power.
And sometimes, as a parent, you just have to walk away (provided the environment is safe for them) until they can calm themselves down. That’s how they’re going to learn that they need to take care of their own tempers and inclinations.
I do my own share of SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP NOW! I SAID BE QUIET then I feel bad about it.
Not only are we our children’s teachers, we are also their students. They can teach us what they need and what they can handle on their own.
I have two words for you:
Oops, it would help if I would post the two words, huh? 1) redhead. 2) ignore.
I haven’t read the other comments, so I apologize if this a repeat. I, too, have an uncontrollable, tantrum throwing child. She has been that way since the day she was born. (she is now ELEVEN!!!) She was the baby that people would say, “I can calm ANY baby down, but I can’t calm HER.”
It’s like that poem, “There once was a girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead, and when she was good, she was REALLY, REALLY good and when she was bad she was HORRID!
FINALLY, in 2nd grade, we ended up talking to the most wonderful child pych to see what we could do to help her because we had tried EVERYTHING and nothing would work to stop her crazy tantrums. Turns out she gave us fantastic advice that we had never thought of and it actually really worked.
(BTW…I have 2 younger children who do NOT have these same tantrums, so I can totally relate with you!)
MY VERY LONG STORY SHORT…each child is different and should be handled in different ways, sometimes “out of the box” ways. I’m happy to tell you what she told me to do, but that was for my daughter and who knows if it would help Dylan. It may be worth talking to a professional for specific suggestions and ideas of what to do to help him deal with these tantrums.
I am going through the same thing with my 3 year old daughter. For the most part she is the sweetest, happiest, funniest kid I know, but then the simplest thing will set her off, and I’m left standing there wondering what happened. (I like to refer to it as her Jekyll & Hyde moment.) We have also tried everything; hugging, screaming, comforting, time-outs, distractions, and unfortunately the same thing doesn’t work every time.
One thing that has worked, however is making her go to her room until she’s done screaming. I tell her nobody else wants to hear it, but if it makes her feel better she can scream as loud as she wants, as long as she does it in her own room with the door shut. This keeps me from yelling at her, and gives her a chance to get it out of her system. Sometimes it takes 2 minutes, sometimes 20, but in the end she always comes out when she’s done, wipes her tears, tells me she feels better then we hug & kiss and tell each other “I love you.” I’m not sure if the same approach would work for a little boy, but it’s worth a shot!
Hang in there! We are all doing the best we can. All you can do is keep loving your little man as hard as you can.
We have the same thing at my house – my son goes into these fits of tears over tiny things, just completely out of control… The odd part is, he is 8, and back when he was 2 or 3, we could reason with him better, he would “use his words” to explain his problems – and now it seems like he’s regressing. The big big worry is that his father and I both have mental illnesses that make it hard for us to emotionally regulate (bipolar and possible borderline personality) and so I get terrified, thinking something is so awfully wrong, what can I do, etc. etc. But, really, I guess we are all just people and we all do the best we can and we keep pulling out different tools and hoping that someday somthing will work. For me, now, I am using a type of cognitive therapy that involves changing pretty much how you think about and experience the world – like I’m rewiring my brain – and I’m hoping that being able to regulate myself will rub off on the kid some, that I can pass some of what I’m learning on to him. And I just struggle along and hope that things keep getting better and that something will finally work.
Good luck to you, I know how awfully hard and scary it is – but don’t blame yourself, okay? We all have problems and it’s not always our parents’ faults!!
OK, questions for you parents. The other week, my husband and I walked by a girl, who was throwing the most horrific tantrum I’ve ever seen. This was throw yourself on the floor, kick your heels, hit your head, scream at the top your voice tantrum. I put her age at about fourish. So, I was telling a friend about this, and he asked what we’d do if she were our child. I said I might take a few steps away from her–you know, distance myself a little from her, or if we were home, go to another room until she finished. He acted like this would be a horrible thing to do. Is it? What does one do in that situation? She definitely was too big to carry out or handle (I told my husband that anyone who’s big enough to wear big-girl underwear is too big for that kind of behavior). So, what would you all do?
Have you done any reading about temperament? A lot of “unusual” behavior is actually normal, given a particular temperament, but perhaps not quite fitting in neatly with the expectations of teachers, administrators, parents, etc.
Oh, amen! Our youngest is starting kinder next week and not only do I expect that he will be top of his class in breakdowns, he will probably also be the tallest in his class. His size and lack of emotional control make me worry about calls from the school, but this too shall pass. On the other hand, he is also the sweetest, funniest most tender boy in the world!! Dylan maybe tops at tantrums, along with Nicky, but I bet they are also second to none in sweetness and love. Let’s just hope the sweet out weighs the rest!!
My oldest son now 17 was very emotional and could not wind himself down out of any tantrum all the way through 5th grade. I thought I was going to go insane. I remember begging the YMCA after school program not to kick him out. The day he turned 11 something clicked, he emotionally grew, no more outbursts, he focused on schoolwork and the rest is history. He will graduate high school this year god willing without a detention, a bad grade or a negative comment.
I don’t know if it’s Dylan who’s sick right now, but my kids are always a terror right before showing signs of an illness. Then of course I feel badly for thinking they were the spawn of the devil the day before. Maybe Dylan had the tantrum of the century because he was getting sick??
Anyway… I feel you.
I always say my son is a screaming, headbanging poster for birth control. You too, eh?!?
No helpful advice from me, either. Just know you’re not the only one who yells more often than she means too.
Oh, I hear ya. Wish I had a magic answer to make it all better but since I don’t – just add my empathy to the pile.
I’m right there with you.
aaaand once again you’ve spoken right into the heart of my world. That last sentence in particular really struck me. Its so easy to rocket right down to their level when you’re in the heat of things and it just seems easier to scream back then to reign it in. I have no advice, just support.
I am so glad to have discovered your blog. I have a 4 year old who has had such epic tantrums this summer that I was worried that something was truly wrong with him. I am in the process of getting divorced, so it is as tempting as ever to blame myself and his dad. Why do we, as mothers, do this to ourselves? As commenters have pointed out some children seem to be wired this way. I will take comfort in knowing that, alas, others are in this boat. Also, though, I do think that the cliche is true: we can only control ourselves. When my 4 y.old is tantruming, it takes every ounce of my self control to not get upset. And because anxiety is at the core of his tantrums, forcing him to stay in his room exponentially increases his stress, anger and fear. So, instead I need to watch him… I will try the zen approach. I look forward, too, to hearing how your child evolves. Thank you for this.
Hang in there. You’re doing a great job.
Language is really helping with our boy, about 6 months older than Dylan. The tantrums have started to fade now that he has more words to express himself. Heading them off at the pass (sometimes we can see the windup). His shriek can still stun elephants at 100 paces, though. REALLY looking forward to getting out of that phase. Mr. Loudmouth Dictator-Pants, indeed!
I stood where you stand years ago. Mine are 27, 23, and 12 now, and I faced down some of the worst tantrums that witnesses still talk about today. (My oldest slapped the glasses off the face of an elderly relative trying to “talk her down” in the midst of one of her tantrums.) I worried daily about what my kids would do during their toddler years. At some point, I decided that removing them from the immediate vicinity, finding a more private area, and calmly sitting with them as they eventually wound down was the best course of action for me and my children. (Honestly, the first time I did this was out of sheer exhaustion and defeat. It accidentally worked!) They learned that I would always be there for them, and love them without condition. I also helped them learn how to make amends, or apologize, or whatever the occasion called for. All three are very strong, talented, and emotionally honest. And I believe all three are able to love without condition. I couldn’t ask for more. Just keep loving your boys, and make your decisions with that as your anchor. You won’t go wrong.
Love your blog!
I don’t think there’s anything you’re doing wrong- I think some kids are just more… passionate? is that the right word? and honestly, that will be a very good thing later in life :) Right now though… yeah. Exhausting.
I just have to say: “Toddlers are binary creatures and they pretty much either suck or are awesome, with few in-betweens.” is now my new favorite quote. SO. TRUE. OMG.
I agree with all the above; I strongly believe its not bad parenting in ANY way; just dealing with a hyper-sensitive boy-o. I know cuz I was one of those dramatic wailing drama filled tantrum throwing kids too. Its because once we start; the horror of it makes us continue.
I’m 46 and I still remember the horrorible overwhelming fits and the tired and exasperated looks on my poor Moms face. She still hasnt forgiven me to this day for what an “awful” child I was so I’d say the important thing for you to do is to FORGIVE yourself for not liking it and forgive him for not being able to help it.
(((HUGS)))) while you deal with this stage.
-from a long time reader
Lyn
My friend, let’s call her M, has a son just two weeks younger than Elliott and he does everything 150%. When he smiles, it’s pure amazing joy, and when he tantrums, it’s like demons have possessed his body. The screaming, the FROTHING AT THE MOUTH, the fish-flopping all over the place. He can easily go on for 45 minutes and NOTHING stops him. M has even tried spraying him with the hose (for the record, that made him madder). Once, she tried wrestling him into his carseat and he was so PCPed up that he BROKE THE CROTCH BUCKLE. And after it’s all over, the kid is understandably spent. He doesn’t know what hit him and he’s all tears and snuggles and I love you’s. It’s heartbreaking.
i dont know if this would help but i believe it does with my child. my little girl is 3 1/2 and learned to tell me what she wanted when younger by using sign language. she isn’t deaf at all but we learned it with Signing Time which is a kids show. u can find it here: http://www.signingtime.com/ there are lots of benefits from children who learn sign like early reading and larger vocabularies and less tantrums b/c they can express themselves more. joey watches it now and shows me the new signs she’s learned. also i guess just don’t forget to try to explain to dylan what is expected of him and/or not expected of him in certain situations. me and joey talk about all kinds of different things and it helps her to know what to expect and how to act. like we talked about the dentist before we even went and i said what he does and he will look in her mouth and count her teeth etc. and she was able to handle going to the dentist better than if i think i hadn’t explained anything. i hope these suggestions help. good luck :)
Oh, and M would probably strongly recommend reading “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It’s helped her to understand her son’s temperament quite a bit. She just figures she’s parenting a future drama club student. I think she’s likely right. :)
God, this sounds just like my two boys. And I am just as confused as you are.
I was that child. As an adult I found out that I’m allergic to red food coloring. Turns out my tantrums may have been caused by that allergy. Maybe try cutting out red #40 from his diet?
I agree with the folks who said that having language might make a big difference for Dylan. At the risk of giving assvice, can I just ask if you’ve tried The Happiest Toddler on the Block techniques?? “Toddlerese”? It really helped my older daughter when she was Dylan’s age. Basically, you get down on their level and matching their intensity, voice what you think they’re feeling for them, in VERY simple language: “Dylan says NO SHOES. NO SHOES MOMMY.” etc. until they stop tantrumming. This would always get my daughter to calm down. It seems she just wanted to be heard and understood.
Either that or she had to quiet down enough to laugh at her mother acting like a verbal two year old.
Perspective helps. That takes time, which is no help right this minute when you need it. –sigh–
When it isn’t possible to sooth or reason with someone (child OR adult) it is best for your own sanity to contain them where they cannot harm themselves or others until they calm down. Let them own their tantrum. They won’t learn to manage them until they are given the opportunity to do so. Yes, it may take a while. Yes, that is really-really hard.
I really-really wish I had learned this sooner with my two.
You’re doing good. Trust yourself.
If it makes you feel any better…i’ve been reading your blog for a long time now and when you wrote about Riley as a toddler, it sounded much much worse. So perhaps that annoying phrase of “this too shall pass” might actually have some validity!
“As an adult I found out that I’m allergic to red food coloring. Turns out my tantrums may have been caused by that allergy. Maybe try cutting out red #40 from his diet?”
ABSOLUTELY! My sister is a certified nutritionist and recommended this to the parents of an “out of control” boy at our parents’ church. He made a major turn-around. Try talking to a CN!
This really helped me approach tantrums with less fear: http://www.mothering.com/parenting/cry-connection-fresh-approach-tantrums
a reader sent this post to me because i’m navigating my almost four year old’s continues temper tantrums. he falls on the extreme end of normal according to our pediatrician and child psych (we decided to go ahead with a psych eval just to be sure there wasn’t more going on). our story is a bit different since it’s been going on longer and it is almost always directed towards me or scott (his teacher thought we should wait on the eval), but I struggle so much with handling it well and with the guilt of seeing myself in him. so we are doing family therapy for a few months.
feel free to email me and i can send you the posts that i’ve done on it or just to chat. the women who reached out to me made a big difference in walking thru with some grace. otherwise, it’s hard having an intense child. but also lovely.
[...] came recently when I read an incredible post at All & Sundry. Not only was the post one of the most comforting pieces I have read, but the comments provided the [...]
[...] behavior here and here. But last week, Kami of Working Mom Fence pointed out the brilliant blog, All and Sundry. And that day was a post about her son’s tantrums. Buried in the comments was one [...]
I’m guessing a lot of it is inborn. Ours is easy and rarely tantrums. The twos, which we are almost through, have not been terrible at all. But I don’t think it’s because we are doing something right. We just got lucky to get a chill dude.