Dylan often asks for one of us to draw him a horse on the Magna-Doodle, and over time the horse drawing requirements have become more and more complex. At first it was acceptable to simply have a basic horse-like figure, then there was the need for a saddle and bridle. Eventually a cowboy became necessary, and then somewhere along the line my asshat husband started drawing a wholly unnecessary piece of genitalia to, ahem, flesh out the picture.

Pretty soon our sweet dimple-cheeked two-year-old was begging—and I know, in the context of this writing, that the word begging sounds horribly wrong, yet it remains an accurate representation of his passion behind his demands—for a horse penis with each drawing.

“Can I have a saddle?” he says, adorably. Then: “Can I have a penis?”

So the other day he’s asking for a horse and JB’s dutifully scribbling away and Dylan clarifies that he wants ALL of the horse parts if you know what he means and I think you do and out of nowhere Riley chimes in that actually, he doesn’t WANT the horse to have a penis.

After a (fantastic, should-have-been-recorded) conversation about the whole thing, eventually Riley decided he needed to give his father a ticket. Because that’s how people sometimes get an official smackdown on their actions, you know?

And that’s how my husband received the world’s most potentially upsetting note from a 5-year-old. Happily, JB paid his fine of one quarter and all has been okay since.



41 Responses to “No more horse penis”

  1. Kristin on November 12th, 2010 10:24 pm

    That is at once disturbing AND hilarious.

  2. Jen on November 12th, 2010 10:40 pm

    I just died. Of hilarity.

  3. Shelly on November 12th, 2010 11:52 pm

    I tried to read this to my boyfriend, and I couldn’t get through it, I was laughing so damn hard. NO MORE PENIS!!

  4. Melissa on November 13th, 2010 1:09 am

    OMG, this is great! I needed this laugh!

    A few days ago, my 2y-o came running frantic into the living room and says “Mumma! Puppy humpin’ kitty!” So, I looked and sure enough, that’s exactly what the puppy was doing.

    /Humping?/ I didn’t even know my son knew that word, let alone use it in the correct context. So I opted for downplaying it in the hopes that he would NEVER EVER repeat that phrase again, especially in Sunday school or church.

    I told him it’s okay, the dog is just trying to establish her dominance over the cat and that’s just something that animals do when they want to show the other animal who is boss and who gets to eat first and who gets to sit where. Then we shut the door to let them work it out.

    Later that night, he monkey runs into the living room and flops down on the poor cat who is still recovering from the bad touch says “Look, mumma, I humpin’ kitty too!” And sure enough, that’s exactly what it looked like. “Kitty, you not sit in my bean bag chair!” he tells the cat. I sense years of therapy ahead.

  5. Sarah in Huntsville on November 13th, 2010 2:30 am

    Awesome! I think I would FRAME that ticket.

  6. Mary @ Tips&Treasures on November 13th, 2010 6:07 am

    Hahahahaha that’s one of the funniest things EVER. What a great story for 25 years from now!

  7. Eric's Mommy on November 13th, 2010 6:15 am


  8. Cid on November 13th, 2010 6:58 am

    Oh my, that is the story of my life – living in a house with one man, three boys, a male dog and a sex-yet-to-be determined gecko I, too, say, “No more penis.”

  9. My Kids Mom on November 13th, 2010 7:24 am

    Kids learning to write is better than learning to talk. You get some great keepers… and you can keep them!

  10. Stacy on November 13th, 2010 7:34 am

    Official Kids do/say the Darndest Things BEST WEINER EVERY!

  11. Rougie on November 13th, 2010 7:37 am

    There are no words for the awesomeness. None.

  12. cupcake on November 13th, 2010 8:05 am

    Bet your hubby was relieved that *you* hadn’t written that note!

    And Melissa’s anecdote about “humping” as “establishing dominance” and her son’s willing adoption of said humping: priceless!

  13. LisaK on November 13th, 2010 9:07 am

    Thank you for the laugh…I needed one!

  14. Danell on November 13th, 2010 1:40 pm

    Dude, that is some impressive handwriting he has already!

  15. Lesley on November 13th, 2010 1:44 pm

    This is the funniest thing I think I’ve ever read.

  16. crisi-tunity on November 13th, 2010 2:55 pm

    Thank you, Linda. Thank you. Because of you, I don’t need to worry about the fact that I don’t want kids – any moments that I might miss out on, I can always read them here. God, I love your blog.

  17. Val on November 13th, 2010 3:21 pm

    Made my day!

  18. Val on November 13th, 2010 3:22 pm

    PS You better save this ticket until Riley is an adult or at least a teenager…

  19. Vanessa on November 13th, 2010 4:40 pm

    Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

    Best thing I’ve read in weeks. Thank you!

  20. Anonymous on November 13th, 2010 6:28 pm

    Can I borrow that note, to pin on my back at bedtime….so hubby will leave me alone?

  21. Erica on November 13th, 2010 8:51 pm

    Awesome!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

  22. Amy Q on November 13th, 2010 9:26 pm

    I had to read this out loud to my husband and we both had an awesome laugh at your expense! completely priceless!

  23. Vanessa on November 13th, 2010 9:26 pm

    OMG, that’s hilarious! And so is Melissa’s story about the “humpin.” I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

  24. jules on November 13th, 2010 9:38 pm

    Really too funny! Thanks for the laughs!

  25. Junni on November 13th, 2010 9:59 pm

    I’m crying I’m laughing so hard.


  26. Catriona on November 14th, 2010 7:02 am

    I think is your best entry yet!!

  27. Sarah on November 14th, 2010 7:46 am

    OMG, that’s frickin’ hilarious!! And reminds me that one of these days I need to tell the nipple story on my blog. One that still sets my husband laughing over 8 years later.

  28. Lori O on November 14th, 2010 8:52 am

    has to be one of the most hilarious parenting stories EVER!

  29. Melissa on November 14th, 2010 6:19 pm

    Just read this post out loud to my husband…we were both rolling. Hilarious!

  30. amanda on November 14th, 2010 6:49 pm

    This is like, the best blog post of all time. ALL TIME!

  31. Shawna on November 14th, 2010 7:02 pm

    Wait, did Riley write and spell that note all by himself? Isn’t he, like, five?

    I am very, very impressed.

  32. Jess on November 14th, 2010 7:36 pm

    I am OH so glad this post made its way into my browser this evening. Wonderful laughs!

  33. lee on November 15th, 2010 12:16 am

    traffic ticket or cry for help? discuss.

    seriously, this needs framing. maybe you can sell prints on etsy.

  34. Em on November 15th, 2010 8:55 am

    So. Awesome.

  35. Life of a Doctor's Wife on November 15th, 2010 9:06 am

    Dying of the absurdity of it all!

  36. kristylynne on November 15th, 2010 9:57 am

    Scrolled down to the picture and snorted yogurt out my nose. Good grief, that’s funny.

  37. tanya on November 15th, 2010 10:46 am

    that’s the best picture I’ve ever seen ever ever ever.

  38. eve on November 15th, 2010 10:46 am

    This seems like ideal material for your new scrapbooking hobby. ;)

  39. Gretchen on November 15th, 2010 11:37 am

    It’s like a protest sign. That’s a freaking riot!

  40. Teree on November 16th, 2010 8:19 am

    Now if the next note is ‘More Cowbell’…

  41. Rachel on November 16th, 2010 10:45 pm

    Oh please, please tell us that’s going in the scrapbook. Maybe with a photo of JB’s rendering of a horse with a penis?

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