Say, does anyone remember how successful our attempts at a holiday card photo were last year? Let me tell you, we did equally well this time around.

Hey, this isn’t so bad, right? Dylan’s okay, I’m okay, JB’s okay, and—oh. Nevermind.

Pathetic, probably-abused Dog; Monster Hands, Suspicious Toddler. Yeah, pass.

Hey, you know that carrying-you-for-nine-months-followed-by-major-surgery-thing? YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME.

Unattractive angle, child pounding my head, other child apparently making howler monkey noise. Jesus. PASS.

I . . . uh. Why is—why? WHY?

Okay. Okay okay okay, everyone’s sick of trying to do this, this looks like the closest thing we’ve got to a—WHAT THE HELL, RILEY.

Next time, I’m hiring a photographer. Not to take pictures of us, but to call every relative I know and explain in technical terms how taking family portraits is best left to the professionals and THAT’S why we don’t have a goddamned holiday card this year.


74 Responses to “Deleted scenes”

  1. Jenine on December 9th, 2010 7:48 am

    Lord, I have to get my camera shy husband and kids lined up this week so we have something to send out. Thank you for sharing the hilarious pain. My unsolicited hairstylee opinion: You are beautiful but I’m not liking the heavy bangs.

  2. Jennifer on December 9th, 2010 10:38 am

    I have to say, I really do like #4 and #6-hey, it’s life with two little boys and one older one who looks like he likes you ALOT. It’s real and way better than the overly posed and nowhere close to reality “perfect” ones that you usually get.

    At least you have pictures-I’ll probably just use one of the cat climbing the Christmas tree…

  3. Em on December 9th, 2010 10:45 am

    These pictures made my day. I think you should just go with them – it will amuse all of your family and friends! :)

  4. katie on December 9th, 2010 11:22 am

    dont you love when people make a comment about something obvious and then they dont follow up with a compliment…

  5. Joanne on December 9th, 2010 11:28 am

    I never do pictures with all of us, I just – it would never, ever work. I can’t even do pictures of my three kids. I just pick my favorite pictures of them from the year and plug them into a picture and bam! Christmas card. :)

  6. Kate on December 9th, 2010 11:35 am

    I read #4 as “unattractive angel” – I looked all over that damn picture for a fucking angel. Oh. Angle.

  7. Tracy on December 9th, 2010 1:36 pm

    At least your husband didn’t mess with the settings on your camera and NOT notice that he’d left the white balance on incandescent light when we were outside. Blue Christmas anyone? Luckily Photoshop pretty much corrected it, but it took so much longer than just taking a good picture to begin with.

  8. Faith on December 9th, 2010 1:56 pm

    I really should not have read this beside my sleeping child! The last one nearly undid all my hard work!

  9. Jennifer on December 9th, 2010 2:01 pm

    I vote for “ALL + Captions”– hilarious and so much more fun than a perfectly posed portrait!

  10. Rachel on December 9th, 2010 2:58 pm

    How about trying a shot with you and JB dangling the boys by their ankles? Then at least if they have weird expressions the relatives can blame it on the blood pooling in their brains.

  11. Ani on December 9th, 2010 3:36 pm

    That last picture of Riley made me laugh. And then I read your caption – WHAT THE HELL, RILEY – and I actually snorted!!!!!!!!

  12. Operation Pink Herring on December 9th, 2010 9:04 pm

    The one where Dylan is bonking you on the head is hilarious! It would go great with an anti-holiday letter :) (Wait, was that LAST YEAR? Dude, where does the time go?)

  13. Lisa Belt on December 10th, 2010 12:08 am

    I may be over-analyzing, but did you make JB change into a neutral shirt? Now that’s funny! Totally the kind of thing I can relate to.

  14. Catharina on December 10th, 2010 8:26 am

    The best part about Christmas pictures is the outtakes. Loved your comments, too. Thank you!

  15. Jaime on December 10th, 2010 6:36 pm

    We just did this with a 10 year old, a 6 year old, a 5 year old and a 6 month old and every single one of the photobombed at least one pose. At least we had a good laugh at the outtakes. Your pictures are great, I especially loved the hands in pockets one!

  16. Taube on December 11th, 2010 5:59 pm

    I’m laughing in our holiday picture this year. But I laugh a lot, so I figure that’s what I look like to most people. (My husband thinks I look like I’m eating my daughter, who’s sitting on my lap, but I’m pretty sure I look like I’m laughing. At least, that’s what I was doing, and not eating my daughter.) My husband looks pretty geeky, but he’s a geek, so I guess it’s ok. But our two year-old twins look gorgeous. My daughter has a sort-of smile, not her normal picture posey smile, which makes her look like the evil twin. And my son, well, he’s not smiling, but he has a sweet little look on his face, and no red-eye for a change. So we went with that one. And if years from now people remember the year we sent them a picture of me eating my daughter… well, aren’t the holidays about making memories?

  17. sharon on December 12th, 2010 7:33 am

    Don’t worry…hiring a professional doesn’t make it better. Just makes it worse. One kid decides to ham it up (and insists on bringing random stuffed animal he never plays with into every picture, thrusting it in front of his face most of the time) while the other kid bursts into tears because she doesn’t want to smile YET, she wants to smile IN A MINUTE. Also, then the professional photographer gets to hear all of my beggingswearingbribingparenting. Yeah, stick with doing it yourself.

  18. KatherineLuv on December 12th, 2010 1:35 pm

    I love you…your blog…your writing. But, I do have a teensy tiny confession (as if you give a shit). I don’t *love* the bangs. I clicked on the 2009 picture, and I think your hairstyle last year was so cute! A bit younger looking as well. Ack. I know you don’t want to hear that, but I’ve been reading your blog since oh….about 4 years, and I feel we can go there. lol

  19. angie on December 12th, 2010 5:53 pm

    I *love* your hair. And I’ve been reading you since before you went to Thailand. ;)

  20. Angella on December 12th, 2010 6:00 pm

    The photo you used for your card was awesome and your letter was epic.

    The Mean Girls need to shut the hell up. And possibly, look in the mirror. OF THEIR SOULS.

    Seriously – how petty can people be?

    You (and your hair) are beautiful, as is your family. The haters need to get a life.


  21. Leslie on December 13th, 2010 1:34 am

    Your pictures are not that bad, really. Your kids look cute!

    My all time favorite pics of my kids was when they were little was when we made the dreaded pilgramage to The Mall Santa. My daughter was smiling and posing beautifully (because she was a huge ham)and her little brother was screaming his head off. It never failed. At the time, I was annoyed because he ruined the pictures, but now, some 15 years later, I LOVE them!

    Also see: All I Want For Christmas is a Normal Christmas Picture, by The Meanest Mom. Her pictures of her kids are pure comedy gold. My daughter and I still laugh over them!

  22. Sarah Miller on December 14th, 2010 5:09 pm

    I…I kind of love the first one.

  23. Kellie on December 16th, 2010 7:33 pm

    First time commenting. Came here via Pocklock.

    Had to say that this? Made me laugh. HARD.

    Totally needed that right now.

  24. Dawn on December 17th, 2010 12:21 am

    Okay, I have been a lurker for a couple of years (yeah, I know) – but I had to post tonight. I just had abdominal surgery and your attempts at a holiday photo are cracking my ass up. OUCH! If I bust a stitch, I am blaming you.
    Thanks for the laughs!

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