I was desperately craving something approximating sunshine and so I went to a tanning salon. Now, before you give yourself a cramp rushing to the comments to tell me about the dangers of UV exposure, be reassured that not only do I know this intellectually, I’m now reminded of it on a cellular level. I went strolling out of there feeling all warm and toasty and dreaming of lightly bronzed tropical skin, then two hours later my buttcheeks flushed like a boiled lobster and began to emanate a deep throbbing scarlet glow complete with Cylon-esque mwowm…mwowm sound.

Not only is my burnt ass about as attractive as a quivering overdone slab of veal, it itches. I keep finding myself involuntarily grinding against walls, snorfling and grunting. If only there was some sort of invention I could purchase, perhaps from that Balloon Boy guy . . .

So! Tanning salon = nonideal solution for seasonal sad trumpet, maybe especially when your skin hasn’t seen the light of day for several consecutive months.

In other ill-advised winter survival tactics, I’ve signed both kids up for swimming lessons. Not at the same time, because that would be too easy. No, one kid has a lesson at 4 and the other at 4:30 and I have no clue how I’m going to watch one while making sure the other doesn’t gallop cluelessly off the diving board and I’m pretty sure Dylan is going to lose his shit in a HUGELY DRAMATIC FASHION and we start today and man, I don’t even have, like, a beta blocker I can take ahead of time. I’d plan to get in the pool with them but 1) that’s not encouraged during lessons, and 2) my ass is so freakishly inflamed it can be seen not only through bathing suit fabric, but also via zoomed-out Google Map Satellite View.

(Mwowm.)

Comments

27 Responses to “Winterized”

  1. KKF on January 24th, 2011 2:02 pm

    Ibuprofen! Ibuprofen! (check with your doctor, yaddeh yaddeh)
    When I had my situation a few years ago, the only “cure” was (I kid you not) UVB therapy which equates to deep deep prescription tanning. 15 seconds and I was burnt worse than I’d been in years. We’re talking nasty lobster-tomato burns. You know. Everywhere. Same itchy inflamed skin… the works. Long story short, the best thing you can do for your skin is reduce the swelling. Ibuprofen will do that and will tell your brain to ignore the mwooma-wooma business. Failing Ibuprofen (which I cannot stress enough) you can use an ice pack.
    Otherwise, Aloe applied straight outta the leaf is good too. It’s messy and gooey but it’s OOOH so soothing.

  2. Rachel on January 24th, 2011 2:05 pm

    Not to encourage bad-for-you behavior, but you could try a stand-up “bed” for indoor tanning. You stand in the middle of a tanning tube thing and that way your butt cheeks aren’t half an inch away from the bulbs.

  3. Liz on January 24th, 2011 2:20 pm

    yikes! Why not get yourself one of those full-spectrum light therapy boxes that people use for seasonal affective disorder? It can’t be more expensive than a few tanning sessions, and less likely to leave you unable to sit down afterwards.

    Good luck with the swimming lessons!

  4. Eric's Mommy on January 24th, 2011 2:32 pm

    I used to tan and I can remember that nice warm feeling right after getting out of the tanning bed. I also remember the god awful pain of realizing I was horribly burned an hour later, especially the butt.

    As a “Swim Mother” I can sympathize with you. I only have 1 child but I pretty much live at the YMCA. My Son is on the swim team so he has practice twice a week and swim meets on the weekends either at home or extremely far away. The meets are about 4 hours long.

  5. Redbecca on January 24th, 2011 2:43 pm

    Full spectrum light and hot shower sounds much safer! OUCH!
    A coworker got one for about $70 bucks (and that included the nice lamp) at the local Home Depot.
    In the regular sunshine my skin only has two shades: whitest white, and variants on angry red.

  6. Christina on January 24th, 2011 2:51 pm

    **Snort!**

    We also did this with the swim lessons on Saturday mornings no less. I then rapidly remembered why I dislike swimming lessons so much. Oh well.

  7. Angella on January 24th, 2011 2:51 pm

    *Opens Instagram to see if there’s a butt photo*

  8. BKC on January 24th, 2011 2:59 pm

    Getting in the pool for lessons sucks. They’re like, fifteen or twenty minutes long, right? So now you’re cold and wet and they’re cold and wet and you have to get everybody out of wet, chlorine-sticky suits and dressed and…oy. I am sending extra supermom vibes your way.

  9. Courtney on January 24th, 2011 3:08 pm

    Outside of the errant child into pool whilst other is in lessons situation, swim lessons sound great! Good way to tucker them out, prep them for fun this summer and find a reason to use those swimsuits before they grow out of them. And at least you could wear shorts in the pool area (thus letting your backsid, ahem, breathe) without looking ridiculous?

  10. TheRachelS on January 24th, 2011 3:23 pm

    Ok, so if I want to make this comment I have to out myself as a watcher of trash TV, specifically Jersey Shore. Your experience reminds me of Snooki, last week, after a “GTL” session (gym, tan, laundry, for those of you classier than me). She had the same burned bottom that you are experiencing and complained of the itching, etc…then she sat in a bar fridge. Have you tried that yet, Linda?

  11. Becky Mochaface on January 24th, 2011 3:29 pm

    I just gotta say that I love that not only did you make a BSG reference, that you so accurately put that Cylon-esque sound into actual letters.

  12. Kirsty on January 24th, 2011 4:22 pm

    If US swimming lessons are like French ones, and if Dylan does indeed lose his shit, you may not be allowed to watch anyway (when my younger daughter lost her shit (and BOY DID SHE LOSE IT. REPEATEDLY) I was told she’d make less fuss (HA! HA! HA!) if I weren’t there (she didn’t, by the way, but at least I didn’t have to listen to her piercing screams in that nasty, echo-y pool area). I should also perhaps mention that she now refuses lessons totally (and can’t swim, even though she’ll be 7 in April).
    Her big sister (just turned 9), however, LOVES swimming lessons. Which is great. Apart from the sheer hassle of it all (taking your shoes off! putting them back on! watching the class (yawn)! taking your shoes off again! drying hair (gaaaaah crappy pool hairdryers that DON’T DRY HAIR)! putting shoes back on again! all for 45 crappy minutes in the crappy pool! Yeah, I don’t like swimming lessons, how did you guess?). LOVE SWIMMING LESSONS when my ex takes her and has to deal with it all.
    Hope all goes well and that both boys enjoy themselves (and that your…erm…buttular suffering eases off!).

  13. Faith on January 24th, 2011 6:42 pm

    I’ve totally burned my behind before, and it was SO unpleasant, to put it mildly!! I second the lightbox suggestion, although I’m afraid they might be expensive. Maybe just cut your tan time and strength WAY down instead. I did find it helped boost my winter mood a bit when I tried it.

  14. Kelsey on January 24th, 2011 7:46 pm

    I can’t believe no one has commented on the hilariousness of that video… While the bear scratch thing would certainly come in handy during these dry winter days are people really willing to put that up in their homes?

    Sorry about the burn!

  15. NancyJ on January 24th, 2011 7:46 pm

    hahaha! I see someone beat me to comment that Snooki on The Jersey Shore had the same thing happen to her a couple of episodes ago!!
    I do remember that itchy butt myself from oh some 25 years ago which was the last time I went tanning.
    Hope it feels better soon!

  16. Donna on January 24th, 2011 7:48 pm

    Put vinegar compresses on your butt. Will smell nasty, but feel oh so very good, and keep you from blistering and peeling. Living in NM, trust me it works.
    Aloe vera only after the heat is out of it.
    And also, wear earplugs to the lessons, kids screaming with the echo will no doubt make you insane. Gives me a nasty crawl up my back just thinking of it.

  17. Laura on January 24th, 2011 8:21 pm

    Oh god, Linda, I have so been there (with the lobster ass). My Mom (!) convinced me to go tanning with her when I was in college. I had been away at school – in Ohio – through the winter – white, white, pasty white. It didn’t even take an hour afterwards before I couldn’t sit down on my very, very burned bum. I’m ever so sorry you had to learn this the hard way. Hope you feel better soon!

  18. Life of a Doctor's Wife on January 24th, 2011 8:38 pm

    I too know the dangers of tanning beds… But oh it does feel nice during these endless winter months.

    Sorry about the burn – that is no fun!

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  20. soobooo on January 24th, 2011 10:13 pm

    I really don’t want to sound like a snob, but I pray I never end up in a house that has a “bear scratcher” in a public area. If you have enough itching going on that requires purchasing and installing a pole you bought off of the TV, maybe you should see a doctor or an exterminator. Lordy.

  21. Meemo on January 24th, 2011 11:23 pm

    I’m glad I’m not alone in knowing that Snooki also burned her ass. So, you’re in good company. I do think that sitting in the fridge helped. Or you could go sit in the snow if that’s your situation.

  22. Mary on January 25th, 2011 6:54 am

    Light boxes are awesome, but they are not warm and toasty like the tanning bed. A trip to Jamaica would be nice. Maybe after your butt cools off. :)

  23. Christine on January 25th, 2011 8:50 am

    HAHA! I was going to comment on Snookie too because I am a regular watcher of Jersey Shore and if that’s wrong, well, I don’t wanna be right.

    I have not been to a tanning salon since I was like, 18 years old (now 40 – yikes!) but I do remember how NICE it felt in the middle of winter to do two or three sessions. The heat, the smell of the tropical lotion you put on, the relaxing “me” time! It is oh so tempting…

    Hope you feel better soon!

  24. telegirl on January 25th, 2011 11:15 am

    Some of my best naps were in a tanning bed; less than 10 minutes and I felt like I had napped for an hour or more. The warmth, the humming noise, the music… bliss. No light box can deliver that!! Good look with your lobster butt. I feel for you.

  25. Jessie on January 25th, 2011 11:44 am

    I want to encourage you to get a light therapy box as well. I have depression and SAD and mine has changed my life. It cost in excess of $100 on Amazon over a year ago but it was worth every penny and then some. Truly. It changed my sleep patterns, energy level and mood in a dramatic way. I

  26. Kiwi on January 25th, 2011 1:25 pm

    I work a night shift (11:30p-9:30a) in an office in Manhattan a couple days a week. We have a light therapy box in there to help ensure our night staff doesn’t go suicidal. So far, I haven’t gotten my usual winter depression so something is working…

  27. Amy on January 25th, 2011 2:09 pm

    Yowza…I think I can hear your butt throbbing all the way down here in Sacratomato! No helpful hints, but I can empathize…been there done that!

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