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Feb
16
Once a week I take both kids to a Little Gym class, where they dutifully tumble around on gymnastics equipment (well, to be honest: Riley dutifully follows instructions and climbs on things when he’s told, while Dylan buzzes around the room like a rogue pinball, occasionally hurling himself into thin air from the tops of the uneven bars while the teachers’ backs are turned) and I sit in an uncomfortable plastic chair in a row of uncomfortable plastic chairs, all facing a giant window which I was initially convinced was one-way glass.
(It’s not, as I discovered the first day once Dylan suddenly popped up into view, his nose pressed snoutlike to the window as he waved gaily at me and I pretended not to know him because yeah right, like that’s MY kid running in demented little circles making farty motorboat sounds while everyone else is paying attention.)
The experience of sitting in this room has made me extra-cognizant of parental douchebaggery, as I think I’ve now reluctantly overheard every obnoxious discussion it’s possible to hear, often via someone’s extra-loud cellphone conversation which they conduct with one finger plugged dramatically into one ear as they shout over the poor gym teacher’s attempted presentation about what exactly it is our children are learning today.
Vaccinations and why everyone should delay them, foods no child should be allowed to eat (#1 on the list: sugar, NOT EVER!), the best private preschools for the under-3 crowd, the right entertainment to hire for birthday parties . . . I don’t know, I’m not saying these things aren’t worth talking about, but the fact that I hear so very much about these topics every time I sit in that room has totally started reminding me of those Windows 7 commercials:
I mean, really? You get like an hour to kick back and bullshit without a kid climbing halfway up your ass, and really?
You know who I want to sit with? Someone who will join me in (lovingly!) making fun of our kids. I want to elbow someone and point at Dylan and go, “What the hell does he have in his brain, exactly? Packing peanuts?” And they’ll laugh and go, “Wait, check out my kid! He’s totally about to fall off the balance beam. This is going to be hilarious.”
I’ve eliminated any possibility of this ever happening, though. After class, as the kids came stampeding out and the parents applauded, my adorable boys rushed into my arms and shouted “MOM! MOM! WE DID SO GOOD TODAY! CAN WE HAVE MCDONALDS?”
And as fifteen pairs of eyes turned to see how I’d turn them down, I said “What the hell, guys. Why not?”
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124 Responses to “Really?”
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Why not, indeed? Love me some filet-of-fish!
McDonalds is a sometimes food. just ask cookie monster.
I guess its the age we live in, and when our children are otherwise occupied, we feel like we have to FILL THAT SPACE with something, anything, except just enjoying the view.
I am currently suffering through toddler gymnastics. I must have missed some memo because the other moms in the class seem to have turned it into a bible study. There’s absolutely no humor involved. And the effort it takes to get my kid in her damn leotard, out of the house, and in the car only to have her cling to me like a terrified spider monkey or run around not listening to the instructor really makes me wonder: WHY? Why am I putting myself through this?
I would totally sit with you and make fun…of the kids, the teachers, the other parents, and mostly myself. Then I would go with you to McDonalds, where I would proceed to hog all the French fries.
Oh Linda, I adore you so much. If I didn’t live on the other side of the country, and if my “kid” were older than a fetus, I would totally join you in offspring mocking.
I don’t know why I bother commenting on most parenting blogs- most of the othe commenters are humorless freaks who enjoy nothing more than getting offended- except maybe pointing out what terrible parets other people are (or in my case, what a terrible parent I’m GOING to be). It always make sme wonder if there’s something biological about becoming a parent that turns you into a self-centered, smug asshat. You give me hope that it’s possible to keep some perspective.
Man, I so know how you feel.
We found that the toddler gym is no place to make friends with parents. Everyone is just so….serious. While we’re there laughing at the ridiculous things the kid is doing (uh, hi kids are ridiculous!).
It’s just not that serious. It’s kids running around being monkeys. Hopefully without as much poop flinging. But no guarantees.
Sometimes it’s so annoying to live in the Pacific NW. I have managed to sleuth out that the parents at my school think “muffins” are an ok snack, but “cupcakes” are not. So, it’s just the frosting we’re objecting to here? But streusel topping is cool, apparently. I *know* that minimizing sugar is a good goal, but these people seem confused about actual nutrition.
My kid has also attended three birthdays in the last month that were at a kid’s gym. His birthday is later this month and we are pretty much resigned to this being his crappiest birthday yet because LIKE HELL we are shelling out $200 (rental + food) for 90 minutes of party. He’s going to be so disappointed, no matter how many times we tell him it will just be him and a buddy + movie/pizza/cake kind of affair.
Any chance you want to move to Ohio?
Yeah…didn’t think so, but we’d have a blast together!
This is exactly why I hate going to anything like this. Why are all parents these days so weird??! Do you by any chance watch Parenthood on NBC? Last nights episode with the birthday party? OMG it’s crazy. My kid doesn’t eat cheese, is this cake gluten free? can you tell everyone not to clap because my kid doesn’t like loud noises.
REALLY?
Linda-I’ll go to gymnastics with you and make fun of our kids! Someone has to stop this madness!
Apparently you need more teachers in your life. We do nothing BUT (lovingly) make fun of the kids. I’ve got names for them: “The Twinkie”, “Tantrums McGee”, “But…Well, Actually…”, etc. Just remember, your faithful readers are with you in spirit, pointing out the kid that is too busy pulling her leotard out of her butt to pay attention.
Wouldn’t it be great if some of the things in the commercial started happening? Private preschool debate = baseball to the temple. Now THAT would be fun to watch!
Wow, that sucks. I took my daughter to swim lessons for years, got to know the parents, and we would yuck it up for the 45 minutes of swim time. It was great getting some fun adult time, sorry you don’t have that.
Can I just say, I love you? McDonald’s was the first word my youngest knew how to spell. Over the recent holiday season our family once went to McDonald’s four times.
In one day.
I have the receipts to prove it.
Hey! How ’bout that remodel of the 140th Ave McD’s? I kinda miss the Vettriano http://tinyurl.com/4p7y8vc.
This is why I wish we lived closer, because my friends and I make fun of our kids ALL DAY LONG. I mean, how else are you supposed to survive parenthood? Aside from plying them with Happy Meals, that is.
Shit. Here is it. (damn punctuation)
http://tinyurl.com/4p7y8vc
I adore you Linda but I’m one of the moms who doesn’t let my kid have (much) sugar or McDonald’s and I’m so tired of people automatically assuming that makes me a raging asshole, as I would also totally love to make fun of the kids at the gym class (maybe THAT is what makes me the raging a-hole..? Not saying that I’m not one-just diputing the reason.)
But seriously, parks, classes these are not places to make friends. I got more lectures about sleep training, the Ferber method, and providing my kid “more structure” in a 2 minute conversation with strangers at the park then anywhere else. People really are at their douchiest in these settings, jockeying to make their positions on the mom spectrum clear to all present in the small amount of time alloted.
But really, I get so much crap for the food choices with my kid. I don’t judge other people’s food choices with their own kids and generally don’t discuss it, in the same way I avoid conversations about religion. I wouldn’t bat one eyelash about you taking your boys to McDonald’s-but I feel like, if you saw me at the gymnastics class, armed with my aresenal of organic veggies I think your assumption would be that I would. And then we wouldn’t be able to make fun of the kids together and that would be so sad. Just sayin’.
Awesome. Maybe next time you should go to McDonald’s *before* class and just happen to bring some smelly fries to the waiting area with you.
…what, is that too much?
You should put your cell up to your ear and make fun of your kids to the pretend caller on the line. “Girl he just fell of the balance beam….AGAIN” hahahah!
An hour of lovingly mocking my offspring with some non-douchy parents sounds like loads of fun. If you’re ever in Chicago with the boys, we’ll organize a mock your kids (with love) meetup.
Aw, Michelle. I wouldn’t care if you spent the entire class stuffing your kids with organic veggies until their rear ends turned into carrot-powered Gatling guns, as long as I don’t have to hear what a child abuser I am for allowing the occasional Happy Meal. :)
Oh, Linda your description of carrot-powered Gatling guns is not that far off, unfortunately. :) And no calls to CPS from me ;)
god I wish you lived near me. I mean, my kid’s a senior in high school, but I’d totally come hang out with you and make fun of *your* kids.
Don’t give up! I finally found several groups of women who join me in openly mocking our children. I even found a book club with people who read YA books! I wish you luck but you are doing the right thing – follow your instincts. If that group of women doesn’t seem the right fit? Keep looking. I promise women like us are out there. We’re just all hiding from the scary parents in different places.
Also – my favorite over heard conversation? Two moms discussing how there is NO WAY they would let their daughters pick out their own clothes. “Can you imagine what they’d be wearing right now?” Well – let’s just say the outfit my daughter picked out that day? Probably was exactly what they feared. HA!
I’m not going to lie to you, if you lived anywhere near Philadelphia and my kid was a little older i would happily sit and make fun of our kids with you. I mean if you consider all the torture these children put us through with the not sleep and the not eating and the trying to kill themselves without knowing it I think we deserve some time to mock them.
I overhear a lot of similar conversations to those when I drop my kid off/pick him up from Daycare. The real issue there is that the parents involved in these conversations feel the need to give out advice like it’s stored in a PEZ dispenser. YES I FEED MY KID THE GERBER STUFF BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY/LAZY TO MAKE HIS BABY FOOD. BACK.OFF.BITCH.
Why don’t any of you people live near ME? Granted, my son is only 4.5 months old, but I just wish I could talk about how absurd he is sometimes. (Who rolls onto his stomach 50 times a day and then pitches a wobbler becuase he has momentarily forgotten how to roll back EVERY SINGLE TIME? This kid. Sheer genius!) Anyway, I’ve met some nice moms at a local baby group, but since we’re all first-time moms, everyone is so damned SERIOUS. (Except for me. And my potty mouth.) Where are my people?
I am with you, though I am lucky enough to live in a place where at least half of us parents can (and do) make fun of our kids. Just today at my daughter’s dance class, I was waiting outside in just the situation you’ve described above while another mom waited and tried to entertain/settle down her three-year-old son. She kept shooting me “I’m so sorry my kid is being so wild” looks, until I finally said, “What he’s basically doing here is my boot camp workout. So far I’ve seen plank-jacks, high knees, and jumping rope without the rope.” Then we proceeded to (lovingly) make fun of our daughters inside the dance class.
Good times on a Wednesday afternoon. We have to stay sane somehow, right?
HA! I am so glad I’m not the only parent who amuses herself at the kids’ expense. Too bad about the douchebags though. I get that at every parent-teacher meeting. The slightly-sneery up-and-down look, the “Oh, so that’s YOUR son,” and of course, I do let my kids dress themselves, so they always look like they got dressed in the dark. In a dumpster behind a thrift store. AFTER the homeless people got all the good stuff.
You’d be fun to hang out with. Those douche-canoes don’t know what they’re missing!
So, my two year old is in toddler ballet (which is a total oxymoron)! On her first day, one of the other douche bag high and mighty parents had the nerve to tell my husband and I that we shouldn’t laugh at our daugher falling on her butt in class and demonstrated to us how we should praise her. What the hell! Maybe you can web-cast their class and we can all make fun together…give the other parents something to talk about.
HAH, I just posted today about my kid LICKING THE WALL at our tiny tots class:
http://diniwilks.blogspot.com/2011/02/lickopotamus.html
I think we would get along fabulously.
Whoa really? That would suck. Maybe I am overtly clueless or living in la-la land. I BS with the best of them about how funny these classes are and joke about my kid whether I know the parent sitting next to me or not. I feel like it is all way to competitive and that we think by doing all of that stuff we will improve our children when the reality is they are just going to be who they are going to be whether they eat sugar or not, you know?! I loudly bribe my 2.5 yr old with Kisses all the time and I get those looks too. That is weird. I want to stop by and whisper in their ears “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS DOUCHE BAG” (and to prove they are douche bags they are driving the largest SVU in the lot with the environmental plates!!!!!)
I think we would be best friends.
I would love to come to class with you. My kids go to gymnastics too (or, as my son calls it, ‘mynastics’) and I wish so badly for a buddy to go with us so that my kids can focus on the other kids wearing them out, rather than me….
Come on along! We can chortle at Those Other Parents, and hell, maybe bring cupcakes with extra sugary frosting to some class event! Whoo!
You are so MY PEOPLE. Funny, I was just chuckling to myself at my son’s preschool valentines party because there was a handful of mom’s who were freaking out about the candy attached to the valentines that were handed out. And also the cupcakes and cookies during the party. No offense to those who don’t allow sugar, I just don’t get the ones who can’t relax and let their kids have FUN once in a while – like say for a party!
I sometimes wonder if these kids that are deprived of sugar are gonna go NUTS one day when they have the freedom to purchase their own goodies. Food for thought…
I don’t even have kids and I so totally get this. Go Linda! Stupid parent snobs.
Amen!
It’s just so exhausting trying to be so politically correct around these parents, out of fear that I’ll say the wrong thing and get death glares of how-stupid-are-you-you’re-killing-your-kids.
I thoroughly believe our sides would ache from laughing through the hour together. What’s more fun than that? You’re my kind of people. I hope I meet the local version of you (unless you care to visit, and you’re more than welcome) at the next class or birthday party.
Heck, let’s hit up Baskin Robbins after McDonalds.
Dude, I met some of my best friends at Sam’s gym class. My friend Megan and I went together, which MIGHT have given us the confidence to tell other moms to STFU, but I don’t know.
For the record, there ARE TOTALLY the mom douches in our class, but we lucked out and met several who are the antithesis. In fact, one of the women was immediately welcomed into our fold when, in the middle of gym class, her kid did something spectacularly dumb, and she threw her hands up, looked at me and said (loudly), “I mean, are you fucking KIDDING ME, GRACIE?” while laughing and then cringed when she realized what she said.
HAHAHAHAHAH. I almost hugged her. She is also known to imitate every word her kid says at playgroup without even realizing it.
I think you should move to Boston. There are lots of douches here, but the vast majority of moms I meet are super-normal and take their kids to McDonald’s once in a while and their kids eat Goldfish — the real ones, not always the Annie’s bunnies — and occasionally suck down too much juice and GOD, come here, I’m serious. Oregon might be your dream, but you must trust me, Boston is much more your style. You’d love it here. You can live next to MEEEEEEEEEEEE. I have a lovely group of friends who are normal and mock their children with impunity. We’d have fun!
Don’t be jealous, but our Little Gym is in a shopping mall, so I drop my daughter off and hit the stores for an hour. It’s great. Over the years I’ve been in a lot of those uncomfortable Mom situations. The WORST in recent months was a coffee morning with moms from my son’s class b/c the kids weren’t around as a distraction. I’ve found that if I take the first step and make a little fun of my kids, even the most uptight mom will follow…eventually. Otherwise, I just come up with a non-kid topic to chat about. I used to feel really guilty about things like letting my kids eat McD’s. Then I moved somewhere with a lot of folks from other countries and I realized that us Americans can be pretty uptight (to make a sweeping generalization). It’s nice to be around people who let kids be kids.
YES. Almost 11 years of SAHM’ing, and I cannot count the number of times I have been privy (and drawn into) those horrible conversations. It was so great to get to the park on Sunday and talk with a friend about how our boys (ages 10 & 7…for both of us) seem to have NO common sense.
Why must we all pretend our little darlings are perfect? I live with these guys…they (and I) are FAR from perfect…
We live in the same metro area…let me know if you ever want to let them loose at a park together and laugh at them. :)
AMEN!! I would have KILLED to have had you next to me when my daughter was at the Little Gym!
This is why I fear the Little Gym. My kid would be over the moon (and probably running around farting with Dylan) but I would be killed in that little room. My patience for parenting theatre is so low that I think my brain would explode immediately in that situation.
I always wonder about those uber-anal parents…like the most important thing for kids is that they eat carrots instead of mcD’s…when really they should be developing the independence and self awareness to identify what works for them [obviously Dylan has a good grasp of this].
I just went to a corporate event w/ my SO and all the sahm spent the evening talking about how they parent. Even one of the not-sahms [who aspires to be a sahm] eagerly joined in. Total contrast to my work schmoozing where parent-talk is minimal and usually limited to either making fun of kiddos or celebrating time *away* from said kiddos….
I would totally join you – both in the loving teasing and the Mickey D’s.
Wow, that’s funny because things swing the opposite way where I live, and that’s frustrating, too. I guess any extreme gets annoying.
I’d love to sit next to you and laugh. Little kids are so weird and funny. And cute, of course.
I would totally sit with you and make fun of our kids AND the other neurotic parents!
Sounds like you are going to have to wait until your kids are old enough to sit with you and make fun of the other kids and their parents! I have fond memories of the nicknames my mom and I would give people that were never ever to be uttered near them, natch.
My kids are in elementary school now, but I wanted to warn you to BE WARE of these preachy types. They have let loose on our school and have done the following (and I shit you not)
1. No Halloween. At all. none.
2. “Approved snack list” for parties. Luckily this was taken by most parents with a snort, but they are trying to push this.
3. Complain about the soda that any teacher consumes during school hours. They are setting a bad example.
Seriously, what a bunch of losers. I didn’t see the TV show Corey was talking about, but it’s spot on in my school. Sickening.
Oh gawd, I swear I’m bombarded with smug parenting every time I leave the house. When did the world become so full of pretentious, self-righteous, elitist assholes?????
This morning, I asked my kid’s speech therapist if we could have a meeting with his occupational therapist at McDonald’s next week. My kid is a wanderer, & I need some tips on how to reign him in when we’re out & about. The look of horror that passed on her face when I uttered the phrase McDonald’s made me laugh out loud. Of course, 90 seconds later she admitted that she had just come from the gas station for a grande cappuccino & a giant donut.
you are awesome. I am alone in my living room laughing.
I wish that your kids were in my kid’s little gym class. Only difference is my kid wants Starbucks after class ;)
I think this is one of my favorite posts from you! Living in the Bay Area, I hear so much of those conversations and want to scream. I too would be right there next to you laughing at the kids and texting you making fun of the other parents there too!
I’m in Redmond. Tell me when and where – I’ll bring the lattes and my 4 year old and we’ll do it up right. If you can’t make fun of your own kids (and really other people’s as well) what’s the point?
You mean that kids are not for making fun of? Since when?
I still make fun of my kids for shit they did when they were little, and it gets better when they are older, they do even stupider stuff. Like my daughter, when she was 16 went in a revolving door, went round and round until she forgot where the opening was, and walked right into the glass trying to get out. It was freaking hysterical! And the grandkids? LOL all the damn time!
It’s better to laugh than cry right?
I wish your kids would have been in my kids’ Little Gym classes. I would have had a lot more fun, and would have felt a lot less out of place!
Ah, what Jonna said. B/c I’m the Megan she’s talking about. And my kid gets french fries fairly regularly, and I have a tendency to mock her when she’s having a tantrum.
I’ll come mock your kids with you while they’re in gym class, if you come mock my six year old in his hip hop class. Because I can’t even make eye contact with some of the parents there for fear their douchebaggery is contagious. Deal? (I’m near Victoria BC… totally worth the commute).
I am more likely to mock mine too – I feel embarrassed at talking about the things that my kids ARE good at, because boasting and bragging is such an ugly trait.
And I never could understand how those Window’s 7 ads were saying that the phone frees you up to use it less and interact in life more. Are they actually suggesting that there is nothing interesting on the phone itself?
Because if I have to sit in a room with the female equivalent of gargoyles, I’d be on my phone playing angry birds the whole time!
If I didn’t live practically on the other side of the country, I would SO be sitting next to you making fun of our kids.
This is my life times three. My kids are in every sport that is offered. Ya think maybe they don’t like being at home? But anyway, one thing I’ve learned is that those moms tend to stick together. Just look behind them for the mom sitting by herself. She’s your girl :)
Come sit by me!! Jess does gymnastics once a week and I’m surrounded by those same sancti-mommies! It’s funny. I’ll be talking about Jess (not in her presence) and say something about her being a goofball, or a brat, or a whatever (lovingly of course) and people look horrified! Well, damn. I live with her, I should know! And it’s not like I’m saying it like I mean it!
BTW, Jess can totally order her own Happy Meal, so I’m right there with you on that one too.
Linda…I love you……
And thank you Tia…I now know who to look for!
See?! This is why I love you! I mean, you know, as much as one can love someone they’ve never met who lives 3,000 miles away.
omg… i so feel your pain! first i did this with my step-daughter (her mom was always there too and was one of Those Moms, so i was doubly out of place). LOL! Now i’m doing this with my own daughter… and tia is right, look for the other one by herself.
and speaking of pain? crossfit. gah! ;o)
Wow I cannot imagine! I seriously wonder if it has anything to do with your location: down here in the south we gather at chuck e cheez and let the kids run wild while we talk about all our misfit family members. I have seen mothers get up and walk away with the vaccination topic comes up simply because they could care less. But then again we re all gun weilding, cussing, sarah palin loving rednecks =)
I have been reading/lurking on your blog since just after Dylan was born. I think you are just so funny and real! I would totally diss my kid with you. Yesterday while playing with our neighbors my son tripped and skinned his knee. In typical Alex fashion a pretty dramatic scene erupted (he wasn’t even bleeding). I leaned over to my neighbor and whispered “he’s such a girl”, and got nothing but a strange look in return. Luckily my husband thinks I’m funny and we often play the snarky, sarcastic comment game (all in good fun). I think that’s why I like reading your blog, you say what I would in the same situation! Thanks for keeping me entertained!
Oh boy that mompetition is FIERCE!
Actually, better than dissing the kids would be to talk about dildos or some other taboo topic that would finally draw the room into blissful silence.
*snort*
Oh, I’d happily pull up a chair if I didn’t live in the middle of the flyover. You really should read Poser: My Life in 23 Yoga Moves. The author is from Seattle and talks a lot about all the “perfect parenting” that goes on there. Our generation is doing this everywhere though, my town included. It is an exhausting way to parent.
I just signed my son up for tumbling/creative movement (really? What the hell is creative movement? Did I get transported back to the 60’s!) yesterday…now, I know what I have to look forward to. I think that maybe I should take that time to introduce my little one to swedish fish or some other sugar filled candy :)
You know? I’d totally sit next to you and make fun of our kids. It’s one of my favorite things to do. And you know what else? I bought my 2-year-old his first Happy Meal last Sunday and thought, OMG, so many moms would think I’m a horrible parent for doing it, but eff it! In my opinion, it’s a part of childhood. I don’t know which one of us enjoyed it more.
I love this article: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-12192050
It’s all about how much Mom’s lie in order to appear to be better parents. It actually started a ‘Real Parenting Revolution’ calling for 2011 to be the year that parents stop bullshitting about how perfect they are. I guess the revolution hasn’t reached toddler gym class yet.
Just crushed harder on you than a redneck with an empty beer can, trying to impress a girl.
Back in our 20s, my husband and I had a bunch of friends, and it just so happened that most of us paired up with someone in our group, got engaged, married, and then started having kids all together. Thought it would be great since we were all good friends already – but alas – several became these hyper competitive mother types. Some were so superior, it was uncomfortable for me to be around such goddesses.
I so wish my kids went to that gym with yours because I would be in on making fun of them. Or how about talking about something totally un-kid-related like movies, books, music! Imagine the thought!
I’ll do you one better: when my son was all of 3 years old, his preschool classmate lectured my son AND me on the evils of chocolate; why it makes you FAT; why exercise is so important, or you will become FAT. (emphasis his, with all the passion of a 3-year old) WTF??? My son doesn’t like sweets! Then I met his mother. I am still convinced to this day that she’d never do a playdate with us because I was overweight at the time. She did one, but that was it. And the kids weren’t allowed to play with the Legos inside, she brought a bicycle for her son to ride, so he’d get some exercise while at our fatty mcfatterson house.
YAY, you!
Can I just tell you how much I enjoy your blogs… I found you by accident and I am so happy I did. You make me feel like I am not alone in this world with the crazy stuff I have to deal with everyday with my kids or just the way I feel in general. I wish I could be the one sitting next to you at those gym classes talking about our kids. Parents today are so worried about everything from sugar to Mcdonalds that they just don’t pay attention. It has gotten to me in ways that I have to just sit back and say “What the hell??” Thank you for your refreshing honesty.
Oh I just adore you! You (and many of your readers) give me hope that someday (when I procreate) I can be the kind of parent I want to be and not the kind of parent everyone else tells me I SHOULD be.
I feel like that mom ALL the time. My one break of the day–I don’t want to discuss anything that makes my brain hurt! Give me some gossip or something fun! Way to go on the McDonald’s, I totally would have said yes too!
I love you. When my kids were little, I was totally that parent sitting in the bleachers saying “SERIOUSLY MCFLY?!?! WHAT did you think you were doing there?” I still do that a bit now, even though at 16 and almost 11 they have near-human coordination.
After reading Jonniker’s comment, all I can think of is how frickin cool the neighborhood would be that had Jonniker and Sundry on the same street. Throw in Julie from A Little Pregnant and Julia from Here Be Hippogriffs and I would totally stalk the hell out of that neighborhood. Alexa and Swistle would also be awesome…aw man, why doesn’t this neighborhood exist!!??
Girl-you can sit next to me at these classes anytime and make fun of my kids with me! It would be so refreshing!
I HATE taking my daughter to her Little Gym class. The other mothers are either blabing loudly on their cell phones, or talking to eachother about their organic foods, or over priced new jeans, or their clogged milk ducts (come on, really?) and completly ignoring their kids (not just the ones in class, but their other children running around like a buch of wild howler monkeys destroying the lobby) HATE HATE HATE IT!
I would love to have another mother/parent there who could just sit back, laugh and enjoy the show!
WIN
Oh man, my husband took my kid to swim lessons on Tuesday and witnessed a different kind of douchebaggery. A mom and her estranged father (not the kid’s dad, HER dad) got into a screaming match on the observation deck for 15 minutes. Apparently, the mom is neglectful because she hasn’t taken her son to the eye doctor in 6 months. Husband says he thought he heard that the kid was born blind but is okay now. Regardless, is this really something you need to be screaming about in front of a pool of children?
It’s like parenting is the new high school experience or something, where some people are SO worried about being cool/hip/”right” that they can’t pull their heads out of their asses.
I’m glad not to be in high school anymore (it sucked plenty the first time), so I have no desire to act like that–or be treated like that–now that I’m old enough to opt out of it.
You rock, Linda!
Linda, I don’t have children, just dogs…
But I have to tell you that your post about hissssssssing at them at Target and posts like this one here got me thinking.
The kids running around Fred Meyer by me don’t really bother me but I can see the pain/worry/frustration on the moms faces.
This weekend when a little boy was running around a clothing rack (from her) and she could not catch him and looked like she was about to lose her shit I left my cart and said to her (but really him), you go that way I’ll go this way we’ll get him.
He squealed with laughter and went running to her. Where she picked him up and buckled him into the cart. In the parking lot, she thanked me. (still looked like she was going to cry)
So even us non-moms like your real life posts.
…and that’s why I kinda love you. I would totally take my kids to Mickey D’s with you.
I made fun of my son on facebook for stabbing himself in the eyebrow with a fork during dinner. With picture as proof. So you’re saying that’s not appropriate in some parents’ eyes? Whatever!
Please move to Maryland and be my friend! I would love to go to McD’s with my two insane boys and you and your kids. The Mommy Rat Race makes me nuts.
Mocking our kids is only fair payback for all they put us through. Must warn you, though: eventually they turn on you. You would not believe how much fun my 15 and 11 year olds have making fun of my lack of direction, my technological ineptitude…
lack of a “sense of” direction…sheesh.
DUUUUUDE. I would so be your friend in that class. And all my friends would be too. Kids are HILAROUS. Why are you surrounded by d-bags?
love you and i so can relate. Where are the real fun parents???
LOVE this! It kills me when parents at the park bug their kids not to get wet/dirty/muddy, etc. And so I end up telling my boys to go make me a mud pie or something. But I always feel bad for the other kid who just so badly wants to be a KID!
Thank you for being so normal. Sigh.
Everything in moderation and they will be so much better for it!! Cupid brought my boys See’s candy (but a few days later the toothfairy dropped off some fab Sonicare kids toothbrushes). It’s all good!
I feel the same way. I don’t fit in with any of the moms here. I don’t know if it is because I work 3rd shift and that is weird. Or if I drive the wrong car. Or if I don’t have the right ‘do. I don’t really care, I thought high school was over in, like, 1992. But how I wish I had someone to make fun of my kid with. And Ohsweetjesus especially at skating lessons.
That’s what I tell myself once a week when I gorge on Miss Vickie’s chips and indulge in a couple of high quality microbrews.
“I’VE BEEN SO GOOD THIS WEEK!”
G A H I loathe that ‘parent talk bs’
and the loudness that often accompanies such parent talk bs’ness – like they want EVERYONE to hear.
So annoying (also laughable).
I’d be right there with you laughing…
This is why I continue to read your blog. You get me. I was telling my husband the other day that reading your blog and seeing everything that I’m currently thinking and feeling makes me feel better – like I’m not alone. Because I swear the Terrible Three’s my son is going through are going to kill me. And we are “those parents” that don’t really mesh with the Parents of the Douchebaggery that you are talking about. Please don’t ever stop blogging!
Sure I don’t plan on finding lifelong friends at the park or gym. If I do, then that’s fine. But I find myself people watching more often than not. I don’t take parenting or myself super seriously either. I’m not even a mean person, but I find myself in conversations where I’m telling myself, “…Really?” I’m 30, and just had a baby boy last week and have a one year old boy as well. It would be nice to have other people besides my husband understand what I’m talking about and laugh together. It seems half my friends are getting their masters in underwater basketweaving and baking vegan cupccakes, vowing never having children yet wondering what it is to “grow up” and then the majority of parents I do meet are on some weird competition trip, 1-upping about their SUV’s, shitty jobs, house, their new [enter "The BEST materialistic item out this week"] etc. “Yes,” I tell them, “You win!!” I thought it was just a Florida thing.
I had this EXACT experience at my kid’s gymnastics class last week. I told my husband about it afterward. I listened to 3 families planning their weeklong summer beach rentals for a solid hour.
Ah, love it. Reminds me of the occasional stop-by-McDonald’s on the way home from swimming lessons (reward if we paid attention to the teacher!) We didn’t have McD’s often, but on that occasional time, it was such a treat.
If you want to switch to the Lake City Little Gym, I’ll sit with you and be that mom. :-)
I’d say it’s an Eastside thing but it probably isn’t.
Geez! I HATE THOSE moms! And they get even worse when their kids are older! Elite soccer, and select baseball and Mandarin classes, and robotics camp……..
Yes, I have a straight-A gettin’ violin-playing kid. But other than driving him to violin lessons and rehearsals, and baseball practices during the season, I am out of his business. I am NOT musical, and I am NOT atheletic, I don’t hang around watching every little move and sniping with the other helicopter moms about “bad” foods, and “bad” activities, and “the very best” of whatever.
I DO love finding really great activities for the kids for not a lot of money. Things that excite them and that they love. But elite pre-schools, private schools, and one-upping his friends’ parents at birthday parties are not things I care about.
My 13 year old and I flip shit at each other constantly, and we talk about things that are important to him and me.
You’re going to come out with NORMAL kids……everybody else is raising kids that will spend a lot of time with the psychiatrist.
Stop the insantity, McDonalds? But the apple slices make it healthy, right? At least that is how I try to convince myself.
Amen, to your post! I love your blog and the way you think. Hysterical.
I learned to bring stuff to read b/c the parents watching/waiting for their kids are the most insipid “one-uppers.” The mothers at my daughter’s new gym KILL me with their discussions. They discuss how they are doing their children’s school projects…you know, b/c the kids are too bust with their fiftyfrillion after-school classes.
Sounds like we’re living parallel lives only, I have one more boy, live in Aspen and am working on tweens.
glad to find you!
Why the hell not. Really. We could so be friends.
I’m a MichaelPollanreading-nutritionobsessed-tryin’tobearawveganbutsometimesIjustfindmyselfatTacoBell parent of an 18 year old, but this week when he lost his regional champion wrestling match and afterwards asked to go to McDonalds, of course we said yes.Because that’s what loving parents do.
You need to come to the Little Gym we go to. We always make fun of our kids and talk about everything under the sun. I love that place.
I have an entire website devoted to lovingly mocking my child (and myself), for the entertainment of friends and family. That aside, I have found making friends in Seattle, particularly since having my kid, nearly impossible.
What’s very interesting is how many people here chimed in to say “Wow, you’re speaking for me” and “If you you lived in City X, I would totally hang out with you.” Maybe your calling is to get a forum up, or start a meetup group, or something…Match.com for sarcastic mommies?? I think it would work. I’d join.
I call them the multi-hyphenates. They aren’t just parents, they are a walking, talking parenting philosophy. We have them here in GA and they are usually the loudest, most judgemental people in the waiting room. Having worked with kids for many, many years I just kind of ignore those parents because what they don’t know is kids are humans and won’t subscribe to a philosphy. Give it a few years and they will realize that they wasted a lot of time being so uptight and rigid and judgemental. As for me, I don’t subscribe to any rigid dogma, I just do what feels right and works for us. I consider any day where my kids and I are still standing at bedtime to be a good one!
Hey- I miss your Survivor reviews. Too bad you are not doing an Amazing Race play by play.
Love it! I would so sit there and laugh and them with you.
Too bad we live in different states…I think we would be fast friends :)
Argh. There’s nothing I hate more than other parents criticizing my parenting.
You are my hero. I would love to sit next to you.
I recently blurted out, to an unknown mommy in my kickboxing class, “Sometimes I imagine my children while kicking and punching.” Why the hell can’t we all be honest about the highs and lows of parenting? Luckily, she laughed.
It’s funny…. I brought my little guy to a trial class at one of those gyms and the parents were nothing like the ones you describe. The only other parent even paying attention to his child was criticizing and threatening him (”If you don’t listen [to the instructor], we’re going home NOW!”) and the other moms were just blabbing to each other about… whatever boring crap they were blabbing about. I’m actually an anti-McDonald’s mom. I don’t care what other parents do, but here’s the other side of this: I’m so sick of people telling me I am cheating my child by NOT taking him there. I have a hard enough time getting him to eat healthy food as it is; I don’t need help from a place that serves overly sweet, poor quality crap that makes people fat and ill. And believe me, I am not against sugar and not against french fries, hamburgers, pizza, etc. But I don’t want him to get the taste of that pseudo-food because he will keep asking for it.
But everything in moderation. There’s nothing wrong with lovingly laughing at your kids. Sugar and crap food is okay in small quantities. None of us is the perfect parent and none of our kids are perfect, either. We’re all just doing our best and we’d do better to learn from each other instead of trying to one-up and look down on each other.
oh my god this is hysterical. I especially love that your paragraphs are usually one long sentence. great writing!
My daughter took a “creative dance” class and the moms who parked themselves out in the hallway were a nightmare. I actually made sure to pick a completely different time/location so I’d never have to see the same cluster fuck again. One of the mom’s had this grating baby voice and would go on and on about how “awesome” everything in her life was. I can’t even recall all of the nonsense I endured. I just remember my son who used to wait with me spilled blue Gatorade on the floor and before I even saw it she was quick to rat out my son. Even implying that he was acting like he didn’t do it. What is wrong with people?
For all the times you wanted to say something to “That Mom”.
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/corn-syrup-commercial/1313759
Man, I just love reading your blog. You CRACK ME UP! I can so relate. I would totally love to chat about packing peanuts in the brain with you – my son is coming up on 3 in June. Just catching up on your entries. Love it!