Last Sunday we drove a few hours east in search of sunshine and death-distraction (did I tell you how our 15-year-old Lab has been diagnosed with a failing heart and a mass in her throat that may or may not be cancer? Did we want to subject her to a biopsy and treatment, they asked us, and we chose Shitty Answer #2 of the Potential Shitty Answers to that question and said no we did not) and we found ourselves in a place called Moses Lake. It turns out that Moses Lake is where every single person on earth goes on Memorial Day weekend in order to camp in the gritty sand dunes and ride ATVs, but we found some quiet, lovely spots too.

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I love that the boys are getting old enough so that we can do spontaneous trips like that. I mean, I know it’s technically possible with babies and toddlers but the logistics alone always preemptively drained me of my will to live. Traveling with the two of them isn’t exactly a soothing spa journey complete with a hot stone massage, but it isn’t quite the clenched-jaw white-knuckler it used to be, either.

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I do have a question that’s somewhat related to the recent experience of sharing a small hotel room—for the fellow parents in the crowd, how do you deal with Extreme Kid Craziness? Riley and Dylan constantly get in this mode where they’re playing and giggling and having fun but the chaos and volume control is off the charts. They’re screeching and carrying on and generally acting like rhesus monkeys on bathtub crank, and I find myself saying the same useless things over and over: Come on, guys. Calm down, now. Hey! Guys! I’m serious, you two need to quiet down RIGHT THIS MINUTE! and eventually I yell at them or do the 1-2-3 thing and send them to their rooms and later they come out all contrite and it all starts up AGAIN.

It’s like they don’t even listen until I totally lose my shit, and half the time I am nearly crazed with frustration because they aren’t paying attention, and the rest of the time I wonder if I’m the one that needs to chill because jeez, they’re just playing.

I don’t think I’m wrong in wanting to be able to curb the insanity, but I sure can’t seem to find an effective way to do it. I’d like a solution that doesn’t involve my eyeballs detaching themselves from my skull with the power of my mighty bellow, so if you have ideas, I am listening.

Not that I can hear anything over this goddamned racket, that is.

Comments

83 Responses to “Last stop, crazytown”

  1. Rachel on June 2nd, 2011 10:07 am

    I’m so sorry about Dog (her name was Ashley. yes?) especially following on the heels of JB’s uncle.

    If the boys know that they can get away with ignoring you until you yell then they will. Stop telling them over and over. Warn them once, then discipline them if they disobey. When done right, time outs can be really effective for this.

    They can learn the difference between indoor voice and outdoor voice, but you have to explain the rule, explain the consequences for breaking the rule and then follow through.

  2. Halyn on June 2nd, 2011 10:24 am

    Sorry about Dog…it’s so hard to make those decisions. For what it’s worth, I think you made the right choice.

    No advice on the banshee children. I have blocked those years from my memory.

  3. Nicole on June 2nd, 2011 11:03 am

    So sorry to hear about Dog – We had to make a very similar decision last fall for our beloved Bulldog. And it totally sucked ass.

    So I will qualify this by saying I only have one crazy three-year-old boy… But we live next door to another crazy three-year-old boy who is my son’s best friend. They are only one day apart in age. And when they are together they act like frenzied, hearing impaired dingos. Which leaves me and the other kid’s mom barking incessantly at them to, “Stop putting dirt on the cat!” “Stop hitting the neighbor’s car with a stick!” “We don’t hit our friends in the face with a rock!”

    The only thing that seems to work is to redirect him/them. If they are spraying the cat with their squirt guns, instead of telling them to stop spraying the cat, I yell, “There’s a ghost in that bush – get ‘em!” But it’s fucking exhausting!

    Even with only one three-year-old to manage, I think of Bill Cosby at least ten times a day:

    “Why would you put the remote to the TV in the toilet???”
    “I don’t know.”
    “Riley come here, right here, here, here, here, come to this spot, here, right where I’m pointing, come HERE, are you listening to me??? COME HERE!!!”

  4. Molly on June 2nd, 2011 1:00 pm

    I’m sorry about your dog, and your husband’s uncle.

    I once went camping at Potholes State Park, which is near Moses Lake. Yikes. No wonder I’m not one for car camping anymore.

    I have two boys, 7 [just today!] and nearly 5, and almost everything you write about your boys? Exactly the same at our house. They love to wrestle and have fun with each other and OMG they are SO loud and I know that one or both are about to get hurt and start hitting or crying (and tattling). I just want them to stop – but of course I want them to have fun, too. Gotta check out and try out some of the ideas from the other comments. Hang in there.

  5. katie on June 2nd, 2011 1:04 pm

    My parenting style is more or less low-key – with one exception:
    we have rules for acceptable indoor behavior – indoor voices (no shouting/yelling/screaming) indoor activities (no ball playing and no climbing/jumping/standing on furniture). if the kids are doing some kind of outdoor behavior they get one warning before they are promptly ushered to the backyard (if they have energy to burn) or go in a time out (if they are being naughty/testing limits). this works best during the summertime. I have absolutely no tolerance for crazy/loud/obnoxious behavior in my house. Outside – anything goes.

    Same holds true for visits to Grandma’s house, eating out or any special outing. During the car ride there I remind the kids what is acceptable behavior at that particular destination I also let them know the consequence for misbehaving. If they misbehave, I give one warning and if that doesn’t do the trick, I stick the kids back in the car and go directly home.

    Consistency and follow-through on consequences are key.

  6. catherine on June 2nd, 2011 1:17 pm

    My son’s nickname is Foghorn…….I feel your pain!!!! Sad to say, but he got louder as he got older. One nice sunny summer day, both my kids were out of control loud, and all of the windows in our house were wide open. Neighbers were out in their yards, and I mentioned to them that, “Hey, you may want to calm it down, a little, all of the neighbors can hear everything you are screaming.” Then, my teenage son, started to scream……..”MOM, put the knife down!” Gotta love being a mom.

  7. agirlandaboy on June 2nd, 2011 3:55 pm

    I tend to go the Time Out route before I lose my temper rather than after. That might make for *more* Time Outs, yes, but I think it also sends the message that the Time Out comes from ignoring mommy’s calm-voiced instructions, rather than that Time Out is what happens after he’s pushed it waaaaaay too far. Otherwise, I figure he’ll *always* push it way too far, since there aren’t any consequences leading up to that, minus withering looks, which he could give a rat’s about.

  8. MaryPoppinSertraline on June 2nd, 2011 7:17 pm

    For anyone looking for an alternative to constantly yelling- this is THE ULTIMATE secret weapon in my Nanny arsenal:

    Silently approach the offender with arms folded. Lean forward ever so slightly, to “loom” over them a smidge. Wait until you have their attention in the form of eye contact. Then simply STARE THEM DOWN- doesn’t matter if it’s an unamused look or the full Unholy Stare of Death and Dismemberment… the goal is to keep quietly staring UNTIL THEY LOOK AWAY FIRST. Not blinking is optimal, but if you must, make it slow and deliberate blinks to emphasize your displeasure. An arched brow is the master stroke. I usually get “What??… What??… WHAT???” at first, but when they get the idea I’m not going to do more than relentlessly stare, they pipe down and eventually break eye contact.

    This establishes Dominance, which is a GOOD thing. Animals do it, why not humans as well?

    Here’s the hitch- don’t stop the very first time they look away. Maintain stance and staring until they glance up then look away at least once more, if not twice. Done correctly, the time between breaks in eye contact will be drastically decreased. This is to drive home the point you are NOT FOOLING AROUND. Once satisfied, turn on your heel and just walk away.

    This is the polar opposite of what they expect, which shocks them silly. Some will actually slink away with hanging head- one could almost imagine a dog with tail tucked between it’s legs as they go.

    This move is pure money, and abso-bloody-lutey guaranteed to get results every last time. It’s not a one-and-done, though. Use consistently, but not so often the full effect wears off… save for the times infanticide seems the only option. ;)

    Hope this helps!

  9. Shawna on June 2nd, 2011 9:37 pm

    Sorry to hear about Dog.

    About the craziness… I got nothin’. I’m more apt to lose my shit than anything else because I have a very low tolerance for that sort of commotion and always have. My kids are getting a bit better as they get older, for what it’s worth…

  10. Sonia on June 2nd, 2011 11:04 pm

    Oh…..I’m so sorry to hear about Dog. I’m snarffling with sympathy here for you, and over Ani’s comment above. It’s been 11 years since we had to put down our beloved 4 year old dog because of Lymph cancer. My husband and I both tear up over her still. Our 10&1/2 year old Lab/Newfoundland is starting to slow down, and we’re aware that ‘that time’ will come sooner than later now. I feel for you, and I wish your final time with Dog will be full of love and yellow muzzle snorffles.

  11. Jennifer on June 3rd, 2011 2:27 am

    I love MaryPoppinSertraline’s last comment, “War is, after all, hell.”

    Yes, indeed. I hate myself too all beet-faced, furrowed brow, screaming like a shrew to my four boys (9,7,4,2) who also do not even pretend to hear me when I try to model good parenting and calmly tell them to stop whatever wild, feral behavior they are doing at the moment or else there will be consequences. I do not have much success at stopping it so don’t have any advice. They do seem to be having such a good time though.

    I have become that mother with crazy kids that I used to judgmentally swear I would never be. My kids would be well behaved (said with a snooty tone). Yeah, right. At least I have one that screams/pleads when he is in time-out, “I’ll behave! I’ll behave! Let me out!”

  12. Amy on June 3rd, 2011 1:45 pm

    No idea about how to control the boys…mine 9 and 6 still drive me batshit crazy on a daily basis. Trampoline has been the best thing ever because they will spend hours on it (of course…not valuable if it’s raining)

    About Dog…I am so, so sorry. We just had to put Cody down at age 12 due to cancer, etc. Did the whole age/testing/quality of life discussion, but he was old and in pain. It was kind of hard for the boys but we do have two other dogs. Also, there is a great book by Mr. Rogers about dealing with the death of a pet. Most libraries have it.

  13. Elizabeth on June 3rd, 2011 2:20 pm

    As trite as it sounds, have you ever watched an episode of Supernanny? She’s big on the time out spot/chair/step/bench/whatever. She stresses consistency and making sure the children understand the expectations of their behavior in any given situation. The “naughty spot” doesn’t stay at home when you travel; it’s anywhere you are. While the first few days of implementing the technique (a very clear warning in an authoritative voice followed immediately by time out if the behavior is repeated) can be discouraging and seem endless, it does seem to pay off in the end. There’s no yelling, no losing your temper, no violence or threats; just clear expectations and consistent discipline. While it’s embarrassing to put your child in time out in a public place, the behavior leading to it was probably more embarrassing in the first place.

  14. Josefina on June 3rd, 2011 6:43 pm

    My boys are 8 and 10 and still get crazy, but it’s way better than when they were smaller. It gets better every year. Seriously, for a while, it was completely nuts. It was very bewildering because my husband and I are just not…nuts, and the kids always got scolded and punished as appropriate, STILL. Anyway, it sounds like you’re being consistent with them, and my opinion is that it takes a while for that to work and for the kids to mature. I feel like as mine have gotten older, they want to fit in with what my husband and I have going on–conversation, what we’re doing, etc. They want to feel like a part of things and so they gradually act more like us. I think it’s just a process, you know, socializing them. We’ve just made sure over the years that they know what we expect and they are increasingly willing to give us that as they see the benefit. SO, in answer to your question about day-to-day: hang on, be consistent, and remember that it’s only for a time so please, please don’t let others get you down (because oh! the LOOKS in public when tiny boys are doing their thing).

  15. toni in florida on June 4th, 2011 6:16 am

    My boys are now 21 and 14, which means there weren’t a whole lot of those raucous playing sessions that kids who are closer in age seem to have, but there were some. The younger son was hellbent on getting a rise out of his older brother and was hyper to boot (something neither his bro nor I am), so he would be physically annoying/aggressive toward his brother until his brother would “wrestle” with him, etc. My best defense against this turned out to be getting him outside as soon as the behavior started (once hunger, etc., were eliminated as problem-sources). Seriously, if I hadn’t taken the kid outside (or had his brother take him outside, once he was old enough to do it safely), I probably would have thrown the child out of a window! At least outside, his noise was not bouncing off the walls of my apartment and into my skull. And once outside, he was cognizant of strangers’ reactions to his noise/ rambuction, which was waaaay more effective than mine.
    Sadly, I didn’t discover this method until I’d lost my shit at him/them a few times and probably scarred him/them for life. Ah well, now they’ll have things to discuss with their (eventual) therapists.

  16. lisa on June 4th, 2011 8:14 am

    What my daycare provider does with my kids(similar to what I do with my 5th graders, and what I now do at home) is a signal phrase that is the SAME every time (she uses “calm down dance”), which the kids respond to in a specific way, which has been modeled and practiced. She has them freeze, raise their arms, and “dance” down into sitting position, then take 5 deep breaths. After that, they are allowed to resume calm play. The noise level does of course escalate, but if it escalates too quickly they are punished (removed from play, game ended, etc.) At home this means the kids are in their rooms for a pretty lengthy time.

    The keys to making it work are consistency (duh, but cannot be over-emphasized), modeling the SPECIFIC response that you desire, and an undesirable punishment. By undesirable I mean that the punishment must be noticeably worse than continuing crazy behavior. If the consequence for their action is not memorable and unpleasant (like a whole afternoon separated) then they have no reason to change their behavior. The long-term goal is to teach them your tolerance level, and that your signal means their behavior changes immediately.

    Good god, don’t ever get a teacher started…

  17. Niki on June 7th, 2011 3:57 am

    So sorry to hear about Dog. I had the same decision to make about my Belle 3 years ago and I still get choked up. It’s the right choice for her.

  18. telegirl on June 7th, 2011 10:52 am

    Well, I’m definitely going to have to go back and read every *single* comment because we are currently living in a hotel with a 4 year old, an 18 month old and two 70-pound dogs thanks to an incompetent mortgage broker who got us “approved” for a home loan only to have it fall apart on the day we were to sign papers because well, hell! We have TWO children, not one. We are on day 9 of this and the only thing I find that is working for us on the energy level is to get the kids to their new daycare at the scheduled time. Their activities there help wear them out a bit. Then, at night, we either go for a walk with the dogs or we come back here eat a quick dinner and then go to the pool.

    The problem we’re having is that our 18 month old really needs to go down at her 7:00 p.m. bedtime but with the chaos of the small room we have (it’s a “family suite” with a separate alcove with no door for the other room) she has been getting to bed closer to 8:00 and so we all go to bed to keep things quiet. It sucks. We are all going a bit stir crazy right now and the poor kids, I hate telling them to “calm down, be quiet” because everything else in their life is upside down… so if we don’t tire them out, we just endure it. :)

  19. Rhonda on June 28th, 2011 9:35 pm

    Love you so much; your honesty, frugality, innovation, and your willingness to ask for ‘suggestions’ from virtual strangers.

    Re you request for feedback on kids in hotel rooms. Been there, done that; suggestion for pool w/hotel is #1 on my top ten lists of must haves for family vacations — water play seems to tire them to the point of exhaustion. Whether that is an option where you are traveling or not, whether that works or not, kids will be kids. As you said, they are often consistently inconsistent.

    I always packed a small bag and tucked it in the back of the trunk for emergencies like your visit to ‘Crazytown’. In this bag, I wrapped (in tissue paper, like cheap presents) a few gems — a small deck of cards to play ‘War’ or matching suits/numbers, etc.; coloring books with colored pencils rather than crayons as it was kept in the trunk and melty crayons would only add to the craziness; a pad or two of plain paper for drawing or making paper airplanes/hats with; a small flashlight for each kid because shadow animals are really cool to make in a dark hotel room and a flashlight is a necessity when age-appropriate ghost stories are told; a puzzle with less than 100 pieces so it could be completed quickly; a small book or two for storytime (daytime naps or nighttime); bottle of bubbles for each kid as blowing bubbles is a real stress releaser; maybe a small snack like box of raisins or bag of nuts – you get the idea. Nothing too expensive, yet sometimes a bit extravagant to mix it up a bit, but overall these are things you can pick up at any of the dollar stores. Because I kept them wrapped and separate from the other fun stuff that had been packed, the kids were unaware that there were “Gifts for Good Kids” waiting for their good behavior.

    Sometimes I brought out the whole bag and they were permitted to choose one each for the evening or I made the choices and brought them in from the car. This was sometimes a reward for their excellent behavior at a daytime event and was discussed prior to the event; sometimes this was the bag known as “Mom’s Last Resort” because I didn’t really believe in even a well-discussed swat on the butt as was mentioned in an earlier post. I like to keep my punishment threats very open-ended, i.e., “you’re going to be in BIG trouble if…” or “let’s settle down before you get in any more trouble.”

    Kids have a tendency to read us like a book and know when we are tired, too preoccupied to give them the attention they deserve, etc. Like when the phone rings and after a few minutes (20 minutes minimum), they know our attention is on the phone call and haven’t needed a thing from us until now, but boy do they want our attention NOW…and then the acting out begins.

    When my kids would ignore my requests to tone down their behavior, etc., I would set a timer I carried in my luggage. I gave them 7 minutes to carry on uninterrupted. I would calmly set the timer, place it in on the tv, and announce they could do what they were doing until the timer went off. Giving them permission actually had the opposite effect. They would become so engrossed in the timer and 7 minutes seemed like an eternity that they usually settled down between 3 and 5 minutes.

    They were always rewarded for this excellent choice of action and I offer no apologies – if it was good enough for Pavlov’s dogs, then it is good enough for my three lovelies.

    That being said, I remember telling my mother one day, “You know, I realize I have three active children and that is a blessing. They have brains and use them, they are creative and imaginative and active. It could be the other way around and that would be no fun for any of us.”

    Bless you for being involved parents, bless you for thinking of others, bless you for realizing your children are not so damned cute that everyone else should think so too, and bless you for taking your kids with you on vacation. Many don’t.

  20. Rhonda on July 2nd, 2011 12:53 am

    Okay, I give, I surrender, white flag waving high! First, just read your request for help for all days in Crazytown, not just the ones spent in hotel rooms…and then, if that wasn’t enough for me to think I really missed the mark with my comments, I read the two from MaryPoppinsSertraline and that was the icing on the dog’s nose. Talk about out of the mouth’s of babes or the pupil appearing when the teacher is ready or whatever – right on advice. I would follow her suggestions beyond the beyond. In fact, her suggestion about The Ultimate Stare Down is one move I’m going to keep at the ready for adults…big kids, after all, aren’t we for the most part? Yep, she’s got it goin’ on.

    PS – that part about my post being irrelevant in light of you asking for help about everyday living – of course, I would never bring out a box/bag of goodies wrapped for behav mod in my own home…

    Also, forgot to offer my sympathies re Dog. Sorry if this is schmaltzy, but Dog is God spelled backwards. Corny sentiment, but the truth in my book. My big yellow lab (135 pound lap dog) is huddled at my knees as I write this due to Assbolt and Assscrew from across the street lighting off their collective arsenal of M80’s or whatever loud, obnoxious, and dangerous mini-bombs they have been lighting off since last Sunday. My prayer is that they will run out before July 4th – hee! My other prayer has to do with their (soon-to-be missing) right thumbs, but I will keep that to myself! In the mean time, I am thankful for Rescue Remedy and for my lap dog thinking I have the power to soothe. Wish I could soothe the two dunderheads into next week with one of their own missiles…whump, here comes another one! Peace to all and to all a good night!

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