227 Responses to “Mishandled”

1. Angella on July 6th, 2011 11:33 pm

   I hear you, friend.

   I think that Riley is wired like Nathan, and we can dissect it next month in San Diego, but I wanted to give you a fist bump.

   I distinctly remember writing a post six summers ago titled “Maybe it really IS that bad”, with a photo of him melting down. He is our Sensitive One.

   All I know is this: We’ve done our best to tell him when he needs to not freak out and we’ve done our best to tell him when it’s OK to freak out.

   He’s still our Sensitive One, but it’s not as extreme. It might just be a time and growing thing.

   xoxoxo

2. Backpacking Dad on July 6th, 2011 11:33 pm

   I don’t have any advice, but I can commiserate. I kick myself for being too strict, too demanding, too forgetful about the fact that my daughter is four, not fourteen. I treat her like a misbehaving, but potentially rational, agent when she’s probably an irrational agent most of the time. I don’t know how to tell the difference.

3. Robyn on July 6th, 2011 11:44 pm

   You really can’t help them with their fears,they have to get over them on their own. He sees other kids doing it and having fun, but for whatever reason, its scary for him. No matter what you do, cajoling him will not allay his fears. He will eventually get over most of the fears he has…just like you said about previous things. He just sounds very cautious, and trust me, that can be a good thing. Belittling him only makes him feel worse, as I am sure you know. Just let him keep sitting on the sidelines…he will come around. If you push, they always win. Him scraping his knee and crying? He’s a kid, and if I scraped my knee, I might cry too… :(

4. moojoose on July 6th, 2011 11:56 pm

   We go through this kind of stuff with our oldest (who’s 9) all the time. The book, Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka has helped us SO MUCH. Can’t even tell you.
   I think one of the biggest things that has helped lessen our frustrations with him is doing that mental check of WHY it’s important to us that he do the things that we want him to do, and that he’s refusing. Doing post-mortems on situations like the ones you just went through is really important, especially doing a walkthrough to pinpoint areas where you could have changed the whole situation. It helps you anticipate the situations for next time. Like, with ours, he absolutely refused one time to get out of the car at the beach when we told him that he had to wear his watershoes. It turned into this big stupid stand-off and he and my husband missed the entire day at the beach, more or less. Walking through it we came to realize that the whole big deal was about unexpected changes and unfamiliar sensory things. So, when we went to the Tulip Festival last spring? First thing we said, before we even got in the car was that we were going to have to wear different shoes when we got there because it was muddy. Really stupid example, but if you read Raising Your Spirited Child, it will make sense, promise.
   Also, as far as the whole making a scene thing goes. A) Totally get that and dread it myself, even if it’s just family watching, but B) Kind of decided that for his personality that I don’t give a shit if people thing we’re too permissive or whatever and just let things go for the sake of avoiding meltdowns unless it’s some big dealbreaker. You have to decide those lines ahead of time for yourself, but it helps so so much. But believe you me, we do discuss it with him later.

5. Pete on July 6th, 2011 11:58 pm

   As a father I don’t see a problem with how you handled it. As kids get older they have to learn the behaviors that were once acceptable no longer are. Irrational behaviors are just that. My son picked up upon my wife’s fear of heights to the point where he couldn’t go more than a couple of steps up a ladder. Every day after school I would force him further up that ladder until he could do it. JB was right, sometimes you just have to deal with it. This summer he’s helping a neighbor put a new roof on his house and he doesn’t even think of the ladder or working a couple of stories up.

6. GingerB on July 7th, 2011 12:16 am

   Well, times like these make me jealous of my single parent friends, who have the luxury of not having to meld their views on how to handle these things with a partner who is often a complete nutjob and who is totally wrong (when that partner in parenting is not me). I hate not being united in these efforts and I hate having to compromise on these. A divorce won’t help you, you say. Well, crap. Um, try to rely on this – many cultures use shame to control behavior, and their kids are possibilty less entitleand coddled than American children who never fail. And the children of the “Tiger Mother” say they were glad they were belittled. Still not working? I am running out of options here. Linda, you’ve stumped me. OK, how about this one? You just have to forgive yourself for not being true to your higher order thinking and following spontaneous emotional reactions. Being humna, we all do it. Not forgiving yourself about this doesn’t help Riley, or you and your husband. That is the best I got, except to say that was a hard situation and it is OK if you are not always a perfect parent, I think.

7. Melissa H on July 7th, 2011 12:22 am

   SO with you on this. My daughter is a few months younger than Riley and she (like most kids, I think) has had fears and weird sensitivities. A few weeks ago she wore buttons and denim for the first time since she was two–she REFUSED. She also had a water fear for about a year (swimming lessons, ha!) but is now on the swim team. But I can really relate today because today she had an epic, screaming at the top of her lungs meltdown today at the pool because we were late and practice had started. Earsplitting screaming in front of my mom and many friends. She said she was afraid her (super nice) coach was going to be mad at her and no amount of reasoning from me was going to convince her otherwise. It was totally embarrassing and I dragged her to the poolside and all but shoved her in the water. Lovely. Luckily she got into the groove of practice and moved on but I so know the irrational big kid tantrum and I feel your pain. For what it’s worth, what you’re describing sounds like a reasonably typical 5-6 year old to me (at least the ones I know). BTW, my kid also can’t/won’t watch movies–especially kids movies–don’t go to Cars 2 is all I can say :)

8. Amy on July 7th, 2011 12:33 am

   I was shitty tonight and I feel like a jerk. Does learning from these things make it okay in the long run?

9. Margaret on July 7th, 2011 12:49 am

   First of all, you’re not a bad parent. People make mistakes, and at least you’re willing to learn from yours.

   As for Riley, he’s going to have to figure it out on his own. I have a 6 year old daughter who, if she is to learn anything at all, needs to do it herself — me telling and cajoling and suggesting and explaining is no help at all to her. I have to tell her what I want, and walk away. And, if I can manage to do that, then she figures things out. It’s hard to walk away, or turn away while she processes something, but that’s what works. Maybe that’s what could work for Riley.

10. jenn on July 7th, 2011 12:54 am

    Dude, I’ve been there. My kid has Asperger’s, ADHD, sensory issues, social skills issues, food allergies, you name it we’re dealing with it, and we don’t always deal with it (or help him deal with it) all that well or in such a positive and loving way. That being said, I don’t think it’s a bad thing for a parent to try to snap their kid out of whatever silliness (perceived or real) they’re obsessing over. It’s just really hard to strike a good balance between wanting to, well, be nice to your kid… but at the same time wanting them to put aside their endless fears and need to control everything and try something new for once, for the love of God. This parenting shit’s so much harder than it looks, right?

11. Dee on July 7th, 2011 1:14 am

    I don’t really know why, but I felt compelled to write in response to this. Maybe what you’re actually teaching him is that in reality, the world really isn’t going to make that many excuses for his behaviour. That might sound harsh… bottom line is you’re human and you’re teaching him that as well.

12. Antropologa on July 7th, 2011 2:31 am

    I think my little girl is about the same age, and with a similar temperament, which I try to think of as “extra-cautious.” And I go between sympathy and irritation when she is balky about perfectly fun activities or “overreacts” to minor incidents. I try to remind myself she’s just a little kid with a correspondingly small amount of life experience, and that I’d rather she be careful than reckless, and that it’s good she knows her own boundaries, and of course unknown things can be alarming…and then sometimes there’s yelling. And then I try to apologize for my “bad behavior” and being frustrated and explain my feelings about the issue. For what it’s worth it seems more enjoyable for everybody if we don’t try to force any issues (the being near the algea for example) and she works through stuff on her own. But sometimes that kind of patience is impractical.

13. Ang on July 7th, 2011 2:59 am

    My younger sister had a similar temperament growing up. My parents would try and cajole her into doing things and she’d cry. I, on the other hand, being 6 years older, didn’t want her anywhere near me when I was having fun with my friends. I’d toss a “do you want to join in?” her way initially so I couldn’t be accused of ignoring her, then I just did whatever it was we were doing and had visible, audible fun.

    The next time my friends and I did something she’d hover closer. Sometimes she’d join in right away, sometimes she’d hover for a while longer before joining in and other times she’d eventually decide it was just not for her and walk off and amuse herself some other way.

    I think kids generally do want to be included in stuff that looks fun so I guess they just need to be shown that it is actually fun. Nagging a kid to do something may just create a bad association with that activity for him. If he associates the water with screaming and not being allowed to get out he’s probably not going to want to have anything to do with it until that association fades from memory.

    Ask him if he wants to join in, if he doesn’t just get on with having fun without him. He may come round on his own.

14. Zoot on July 7th, 2011 3:01 am

    My short story version of the same story:

    E was scared of everything. Eventually I got sick of what you describe and gave up and just let him be scared. Didn’t push him. The middle school years brought a FINALLY adventurous phase where he FINALLY did some of the stuff that scared him. I felt vindicated for waiting it out.

    But now? He’s just decided a lot of stuff scares him and avoids it. Heh. I think some kids are just scared and that’s okay. E is fine with being that kid now at age 16. He’s even laid back about it. I think maybe because he finally tried all of those things (like roller coasters and haunted houses) that his friends love and feels comfortable that he HATES THAT CRAP.

    So…who knows. My point? If he does turn out to just be scared of stuff? Not too big of a deal. Not as big of a deal as I made it out to be when he was little, anyway.

15. nicola on July 7th, 2011 3:02 am

    i think you have to accept riley for who he is, making him feel bad won’t make him turn quicker into the character you wish he was, patience, like you said, next year! And also, i think, making things into a problem turns it into a problem for him. being understanding of his fears will prob make them disappear faster. easy to say i know…..

16. Shannon aka CharmingBitch on July 7th, 2011 3:16 am

    Oh, Linda. I am so, so sorry. There is no worse feeling than Monday morning quarterbacking your own parenting. No advice because kids are all wired for their own speed but just know you aren’t alone.

17. Amy on July 7th, 2011 3:33 am

    All I can say is that it’s so nice to see it’s not just me. Same shit happens here, and I feel almost abusive after the fact. But it’s SO. FRUSTRATING. to deal with a whiny, needy kid when you’ve gone to a lot of trouble to create a fun experience for them. My kid used to be fun and easy going, and now that I’m getting divorced and she has all this transition she is…decidedly neither. Sucks all around.

18. Kate on July 7th, 2011 3:46 am

    I understand and have been there. From the pot to the kettle try not to beat yourself up to much. Pick yourself up, dust off and explain to Riley that sometimes Mommy is just tired and has had enough. You are human and are not perfect. It’s actually very important for Riley to get that. Forgiveness of yourself and others is a crucial thing in life. It’s okay to be tired and frustrated sometimes and Riley see’s how wonderful you are 99% of the time. Consider that still being the best damn parent you can be and that’s okay. : )

19. Jon on July 7th, 2011 4:11 am

    Riley is 6 now or almost 7? We just went through that year with our son and a whole bunch of his friends in Cub Scouts. Every Cub Scout meeting used to end with at least one of them in tears over something. By the end of the year they’d all grown up a lot.

    At 9 our daughter hated (freaked out about) going in the water at the beach because of sharks but two years later she’ll snorkel out there for hours. For years she would flip out at Disney World if we saw any 3D movie thing. She would refuse to wear the glasses to the point of crying. Now she enjoys them.

20. Bren on July 7th, 2011 4:14 am

    I feel like I live through these types of incidents every day having a “sensitive” child. One who literally screams and cries over spilled milk or something dropped out of reach. She is 4 and I keep reminding myself she is 4 but man it’s frustrating. She is not scared of “fun” stuff but loses it with the mundane things. I too have called her a baby and most likely made her feel bad and then beat myself up over it. I am currently teaching her to “relaaaaaaax” by deep breathing and trying to do the same thing myself. It sucks but we can only hope they grow out of it. Anyway – I feel your pain!

21. NancyJ on July 7th, 2011 4:16 am

    Wow! That brought back some ugly memories! I think I finally learned when we reached a “standoff” it was ok to back off. It’s known as Pick Your Battle. Doesn’t want to go on the slip and slide or swim? His choice…. Loses his shit because of a fall (and probably embarrassed?), a bandaid and a “chill out”.
    My now 20 year old niece was like Riley is – highly sensitive physically and emotionally I believe my sister has had the “Raising your spirited child” by her bedside. In fact she was the one who told me to Pick Your Battle and used it to defend herself when people looked at
    her cross-eyed over Charlene.
    That same niece is an unbelievably smart college senior who spent last semester in Ireland and is working this summer through a grant program doing research on food science studies and planning where she’s going to do her Master’s program.
    My husband and I used to argue when stuff like that happened and I would always tell him to back off and let me deal with it because he’d be just like JB. All guy-like and it doesn’t help the situation. Pick ONE of you to respond – preferably you! Because Riley doesn’t need both of you in his face.
    These are just the words of someone who went through it and we all lived to see the other side!

22. FrostedLemonCarrot on July 7th, 2011 4:26 am

    I’m not a parent yet (few weeks more to go!), so feel free to totally disregard anything I say, but I was (and still am) the sensitive kid.

    Being forced to try things actually made thing worse (for me) because especially if there are sensory things making experiences overwhelming, you’re not as able to slowly get used to things. If you suddenly get thrown into a situation before you’re ready, it’s just too overwhelming and it takes longer to get used to it and ready to do whatever it is like everyone else is doing it.

    What worked for me and what works at my job when I have clients who are reluctant to join in *I work at a Seniors’ Day Program, and some are very hesitant to become part of the group) is to invite the hesitant person, then if they say no, I just remind them that they can join in at any time. And then I pretty much ignore them and have a good time with everyone else. Every once in a while ask them again, until eventually they all come around. If it’s something that you can “accidentally” include them in on occasionally (like there are certain games we play in program where I could “accidentally” let the ball roll over to them, and they will usually hit it back or whatever — I can’t think of any kid activities where this might work but obviously you know what you do better than I do), sometimes that will work too.

    The main thing for me was to know that I was in control of what I was going to do, and that I could join in any time and I would be welcomed in. Going at my own pace was and is really important to me. Obviously Riley may be different, but that’s what worked for me.

    I think your reaction doesn’t make you a bad parent, it just stems from both of you being different personality types than Riley is. It sounds like you’re both more willing to take a chance on an unknown than he is, and that’s great. He’ll see you doing that and will learn from that, even if he never fully reaches that… he’ll at least see everyone else jumping in with both feet and eventually figure out that things are probably safe.

23. Sherry on July 7th, 2011 4:35 am

    I don’t know that I have anything compelling to add to the very clever commenters before me, but I’ll give it a shot…

    My (nearly 12-year-old…SOB) son is similarily wired to Riley, I suspect. Anxious about anything he sees as ‘danger’. Some things, I let nature sort out. Swimming for example: We had meltdowns in the community pool because he was frankly, terrified. Eventually, we bought a pool for the backyard (one of those inflatable jobbies with a pump and stuff), spent a lot of time playing in it, while he watched on the sidelines, and he figured it out on his own. Other things, like riding a bike (which I consider a fundamental childhood responsibility) we badgered, pressured, and eventually made him cry. Then left him alone. And he figured it out.

    My emerging guiding principle in all this? Sometimes you push them, and help them to realize that they HAVE to sort it out, others you leave alone until they choose to on their own. Above all else though, we have WAY better success when we let him sort out the mechanics of HOW to do it all. Giving him that sort of control over the situation seems to reduce his anxiety.
    (Oh, and it DOES get better…We got him onto a roller coaster this year. Shocking!)

24. Sara on July 7th, 2011 4:38 am

    It might help to get Riley tested for Autism Spectrum Disorder, Synethesia, and things like that. No parents wants to have to deal with that but if there’s an actual neurological reason for his sensitivities it will help you and Riley figure out how to cope and adapt to the way he perceives and deals with sensory overload and stress. And if nothing is diagnosed then at least you’ve ruled it out and can move on from there. Good luck.

25. Megsie on July 7th, 2011 4:44 am

    I just want to say that I have a kid like this too. It gets better as they get older. I have MADE her do things that I don’t regret, and I have MADE her do things that I totally regret. I usually let her decide what she is up for. I try not to be invested in what she is missing out on, but it is sort of embarrassing to have a kid that people keep asking about, “Is she sick?” “What’s wrong with her?” I have just had to get over that, and be okay with her cautiousness. When she has a responsibility, however, (swimming lessons? diving in the pool during swimming lessons?) I do force the issue. I try hard (although it isn’t always pretty) to be sensitive to her fear. I have to gear up for it because it is so irritating. But I have totally done things exactly as you have. And felt just as bad. Being human sucks sometimes.

26. Melody on July 7th, 2011 4:50 am

    I was a child with some sensory issues, and now I’m an adult with some sensory issues. I know every kid is different, so I don’t know how helpful my perspective is, but–

    When I was a kid and someone was pushing me to do something I didn’t want to do, the more I would dig my heels in. It didn’t make me think to myself, “Hey, they’re right! This isn’t a big deal! I should join in the fun!” It made me feel panicky.

    The issue arose most frequently with food. I have always been a picky eater, and this drives other people crazy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people argue with me, “Just TRY IT. It’s SO GOOD. You are CRAZY if you don’t like this food. JUST TRY IT TRY IT TRY IT.” What they don’t realize is that the more they argue with me about trying the food, the more they are creating a panicky-feeling association for me with that food, and the more I will NEVER want to try it, EVER. UNTIL THE DAY I DIE, that food will not cross my lips.

    For some reason, my aunt and uncle in particular have always been among the people MOST bothered by my picky eating. I know they have been disgusted with me before, and I think they assume that I’m choosing to be high-maintenance when I refuse to eat a certain food. After all, what’s the big deal? It’s just food. But it’s not that way in my mind. It’s just not.

    I hate the beach, because sand and salt water are intolerable to me. I can’t wear sweaters. I don’t really like to be hugged our touched. I really don’t like petting animals other than my own dog. And when something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s ALL I can think about. My mom has speculated that I must just feel things MORE than other people.

    Riley may outgrow his issues, or he may not. But even if he decides that he never wants to swim in a lake or go on a slip and slide, he can have a happy, fun life. He just will need to focus on the things that feel right to him.

27. Erika on July 7th, 2011 4:52 am

    For the last 2 or 3 years, our 5 yo has refused to get in the pool. He would occasionally get in if he was COMPLETELY naked (the pool is at a family member’s home). This summer…he grabbed a ring and jumped in. I don’t get it. I guess it’s age, but we’d given up a long time ago trying to convince him things are fun. I have decided (I’m no professional) that my kid is afraid of the unknown, and doesn’t like doing new things because he doesn’t want to look like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I know EXACTLY where that trait comes from. So our strategy has been (like a previous commenter) just to continue having fun until he realizes he’s missing out. But I am so, so afraid of him not growing out of this, of being an adult who needs everything to be perfectly suited to him and “time to process”…luxuries you don’t really get in the real world.

28. Becky on July 7th, 2011 5:03 am

    Oh Linda..THANK YOU. First for sharing…it takes a lot of strength to open up and showing the hard and shitty side. Second for somehow knowing EXACTLY when to post this……..

29. kylydia on July 7th, 2011 5:05 am

    I don’t have children, so take this with that knowledge in mind. I think this would be such a hard situation to handle.

    Will Riley talk to you about his fears? When he first exhibits signs of being fearful, when he’s still pretty rational, will he explain why he is? Does talking him through the fears quietly and rationally and without feeling an option?

    As someone who was (is?) both stubborn and initially fearful of new experiences, I find that if I ask lots of questions about the new experience and try to wrap my mind around it before I go for it helps SO MUCH. It drives my dive-right-in-and-do-it husband very crazy when I ask so many questions, but it does help me. Sometimes I do/eat/see/try the thing, sometimes I decide not to.

    I also have a sensitive nephew, and it breaks my heart when his parents force him to do something that he is obviously sensitive about. So what if he doesn’t want to roll down the big hill with the other kids. What’s the harm in standing on the side and watching? One day he’ll do it, if he wants. One day he won’t. Does either scenario better him in some way? Not really.

30. jen on July 7th, 2011 5:06 am

    I’m on my 2nd one like that.. we take them to do fun things and they act like we are leading them to slaughter! I get the personal expectation thing, but you have to let go of that. So he didn’t want to try the slip n slide, now with my first one I would have pushed him, he would have cried, and then by the end of it I wouldn’t have been able to drag him OFF the slip n slide. But with my youngest, it is just not worth the hassle. He doesn’t wanna do it, he doesn’t have to, and he won’t even go NEAR it never mind look at the other kids having fun. His loss, really. I think in that case perhaps you were embarrassed because people were saying annoying things about it to you. The water thing, been there, too. I forced my kids to go to swim lessons, they screamed and cried and eventually got over themselves and had fun – next week we’d have to do it allll over again – but swim lessons were mandatory, swimming for fun on vacation was not. We just put a pool on the beach. Why not? You have to stop thinking of it as “giving in” and thinking that it will make them spoiled – What it does is make you seem like a reasonable, accommodating person and teaches them that you can work together to achieve a common goal in a way that both of you can sit with. I did not push my kids to swim in the ocean, sure it frustrated the crap out of me, but after awhile it got to be too much angst and I gave it up… and now they love swimming in the ocean.

    As an anxious kid like Riley and not wanting to try stuff like that because I might embarrass myself… trust me it’s really not a good thing to force him. It’s right up there with forcing an adult to give a speech when they don’t want to!

    As for the way overreacting about the knee, man, I hear you. I want to shake them when they get like that, but, what can you do, it’s the age.. My 7 yo acts like that. Something happens, her flip top head opens and wailing noises come out and we all roll our eyes and walk away. My sons were never like this, until they got older.. you think you’re done with some stupid crap and then it comes back full force!

31. Claire on July 7th, 2011 5:10 am

    Not that it helps you in *any* way but my son, almost 4, is the exact same way and man, we’re just as bad. I get so fed up with the whining and crying and acting like a baby and I *know* that isn’t helping him but I also don’t want to coddle him too much in those situations because what if he stays that way? And never tries anything new?

    Ell hated swimming, did the same freak out thing but the swim lessons really really helped. Once it became a competition – in his mind – with the other kids in class, he got with the program.

    Here’s hoping Riley does outgrow some of that stuff. And that you may find the patience to deal with it. I’m working on that too!

32. Samantha Jo campen on July 7th, 2011 5:19 am

    I was like Riley–a very anxious child. I was terrified of sharks when I was 5. I wouldn’t take a bath or go in our backyard kiddie pool because dude, they were IN THERE. Didn’t matter that my mom used logic that they weren’t, you could NOT get me in that pool. I remember the terror I felt to this day. We went to the beach once and I stayed on the sand. As soon as the tide came in I frantically climbed my mom’s legs like a monkey because no no no the water and the fish and the sharks couldn’t touch me.

    I outgrew the terror but to this day I still hate the ocean and lakes. I just think Riley needs more time to rationalize things. I feel for him, I really do. It’s no fun to be scared and he’s not choosing to be, he can’t help it.

    Xo

33. Melissa on July 7th, 2011 5:19 am

    I’m not a parent and I didn’t really read the other comments… and my two cents might sound completely ridiculous. I grew up a VERY anxious child who has become a VERY anxious adult. I just always had irrational fears … when I was three years old, if my mom was 5 minutes late picking me up from preschool, I would cry to my teacher and tell her I was positive my mom was in a car accident. Three years old. I am not kidding. It sounds weird to even type it. As I got older I got more worried about my brother and sister’s safety (I’m the oldest). I wouldn’t even let my brother play in the fenced in backyard unless I sat out there in a chair watching him and I would yell at my mom because she wasn’t willing to do the same. I was difficult to say the least. When I was in college I was a full time nanny and the oldest son had a lot of the crazy, irrational fears I saw in myself – he was terrified of any loud noises and impending storms, and you could just see the terror on his face constantly. He was always worried about something. His mom, like myself, had always battled anxiety (and we both started taking and continued to take anti-anxiety meds in adulthood) and she started taking him to sensory therapy, behavioral therapy, eating therapy, etc. But he never once got on any sort of medication. I always say these days that doctors are way too quick to prescribe anything to anyone but the fact of the matter is that these drugs exist for a reason. My younger brother, who is now 21, was diagnosed with ADD when he was about 5 years old. He had HORRIBLE ADD. Like, had to be in a special pre-school, ride a short bus, etc. I am not mocking anyone who rides a short bus, I am just illustrating that the kid had severe behavioral/developmental issue. He took Ritalin all through elementary school and when he arrived in junior high he was basically cured. He hasn’t taken it for years, graduated HS with honors and is about to go into his senior year of college. If I had a child and their problems were stressing me out to that extreme, I would consider getting a prescription, only because I know how beneficial it has been for me and my brother. He was able to outgrow his problems though, and I did not. I wish my parents had put me on anti-anxiety meds as a child but no one “did that” back then, and I don’t even know if they are doing it now.

34. crisi-tunity on July 7th, 2011 5:23 am

    I don’t have kids, so take that with you as you read this comment.

    I am so, so sorry to read what’s clearly despair about the way you had to treat your kid. I can’t imagine how much it hurts to beat yourself with this particular stick.

    Everybody above has good and smart and experienced things to say about sensitive kids. Hopefully they can help you not worry as much about it.

    The other thing I’m wondering about – and again, I don’t have kids – is whether this is marking the start of Riley changing over from being a little kid into being a kid. It seems to me from this distance that when your kids are really little, you have a more nurturing and more controlling relationship to them – you get to boss them around a lot more, because they really can’t do for themselves for a lot of things. As they get a little older, what they want and what they can do on their own starts to actually be reasonable, and you lose the ability to delineate precisely what they can and can’t do. (I know there are willful toddlers, but what they want is unreasonable.) Do you get what I’m saying? Maybe this is simply the place where harsh words begin, because his age is starting to demand it. God knows you will probably say awful things and think worse ones when he’s a teenager. A TEENAGE BOY. And of course you’ll love him just as much.

    I could be wrong! Just a thought.

35. Christine B on July 7th, 2011 5:24 am

    ‘Raising Your Spirited Child’ is a very helpful book. I highly recommend getting and reading a copy, because it’s helped me deal with my three spirited kids — all with their various sensitivities and high energy and personality. There’s also a Yahoo group if you’re interested, for parents of kids who fit the ’spirited kids’ definition. And Riley might. There’s lots of helpful advice there from people who have dealt with behaviors and personalities and issues that are baffling.

    Also, yeah, I feel your pain. Totally. What IS it about these situations that makes us do and say such things as we *Know* aren’t right?

    Also also…I think the hardest part of parenting truly is learning to accept your child’s distinct personality as who *they* are, not as a reflection on you and your parenting. At least it is for me.

36. Courtney on July 7th, 2011 5:25 am

    Talk to you pediatrician, get a recommendation for a developmental pediatrician. What’s the worst that can happen, they’ll say this is just how some kids are here are some tips on how to deal with it, or they’ll say yeah, he has some issues and a little occupational therapy will help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

37. crisi-tunity on July 7th, 2011 5:30 am

    Also, I know this probably won’t help, but who the F cares what the public thinks. As long as you’re not doing something that they’ll call Social Services about, you be the parent and let it be their problem what they think of you. You’re a blip in their day.

38. Kirsten on July 7th, 2011 5:38 am

    BTDT – Riley reminds me of my daughter and you guys remind me of my husband and myself. The whole story was just so familiar. It sounds like there are a lot of us out there. I remember in a desperate moment once taking my daughter to the doc thinking she had sensory integration disorder. The doc said we could go down that road if I wanted (testing, etc) or I could just wait it out. I waited it out. My daughter, now 6.5, is still a sensitive handful in some ways but so many of those behaviors that drove me nuts are now gone. No longer scared of the water, she is now as comfortable as a fish in the pool, etc.

    I like the idea another commenter had about just one parent handling those meltdowns – I will remember that. Or employ a “good cop/bad cop” approach. Anyway, you are SO NOT ALONE!!! (and brave for sharing those less than pleasant scenes from your family life.) Thanks for making me feel more normal…

39. Allison on July 7th, 2011 5:42 am

    This was a hard and great post to read. I relate to it SO MUCH. Our situation is somewhat different – my 4.5 year old is mostly comfortable with trying new things, so I don’t think he’s on the “more sensitive” side of the sensitivity spectrum. But he has been having behavioral problems, where he does not listen/follow instructions AT ALL – sometimes it seems like he is just incapable! So we have lots of arguments with him that escalate, and inevitably I wind up saying things I later wish I hadn’t. Things that are said in order to spark a reaction from him, I suppose, but the reaction I’m looking for in those cases is for him to feel badly about himself/his behavior. To invoke shame and the awareness that he is being “bad.” There is definitely yelling and belittling that goes on, and I always, always regret it.

    In those times, I feel like I am not the parent I want to be. Like you, I’d like to learn some strategies to handle these frustrating situations better. Maybe I need to buy a copy of that “Raising Your Spirited Child” book…

    Thank you for posting this.

40. Melissa on July 7th, 2011 5:43 am

    First of all, you are a great mom. One moment (or weekend) where you lose patients is NOT going to mean years of therapy for Riley. It’s OK if you have a talk with him and explain that you are sorry for losing your temper with him, that sometimes grownups have have tantrums too. I think it’s important for kids to see their parents can make mistakes too, that it’s hard to be “good” all the time. It lets them know that we follow the same rules they do, and we understand how hard it can be.

    Concerning sensitivity issues, some kids are just wired that way. My son is, for sure. We do the toddler version of cognitive behavioral therapy with him. We tell him that it’s okay to feel scared/anxious/hurt/whatever, then we try to find something good about the situation like “The way you stood at the window and watched those loud fireworks even though you were scared of them was very brave!” or “Your father and I noticed how good you were being when you were watching the other kids and that was terrific!”

    My doctor told me something interesting. It may not account for all the “baby” behavior my 3 year old exhibits, but it is something to keep in mind. When a child is making a new developmental break through or goes through a particularly big growth spurt, all their energy is concentrated on making that happen (leveling up, my husband calls it). So they revert in behavior because they just aren’t physically capable of acting their age.

    Sometimes this means the honestly have a hard time talking and revert to baby words and noises. Sometimes it means they lose coordination and have to crawl up the steps instead of walk up them. On one particularly memorable occasion of several days of asshattery from my son, he came down stairs and said “Look, mumma, I draw you a monster!” Previously all his drawings were just scribbles that he would call monsters or thunder, or whatever…But sure enough, when I looked down there was a big oval shaped body with two circle eyes, lines for legs, and circles for feet. I was absolutely blown away because I KNEW he couldn’t do that before his nap. Despite many attempts of “Can you draw a circle like this? Watch.” he’d never ever drawn a circle without us guiding his hand.

    So, I guess what I’m saying is maybe Riley is just super smart for his age and going through a lot of developmental breakthroughs and growth spurts :)

41. Betsy on July 7th, 2011 5:45 am

    You’ve gotten lots of good advice, so I won’t repeat what others have said, but I do have a tip for swimming fears. My sensitive boy would only go in the pool with a life jacket and arm bands on (even when he could touch the bottom) until we got him a mask for his face. The kind that covers your eyes and nose. Seems so simple now, but it was seriously a game changer. It can be so damn frustrating dealing with your kid’s anxiety!

42. Emily on July 7th, 2011 5:47 am

    I’m not a parent, but I was (am, sometimes) just like Riley. And looking back, what helped me the most to 1. try new things, and 2. (more importantly) be okay with being ME is knowing that it was okay if I didn’t want to do something. It takes the pressure off, so that next time he encounters a Slip N’ Slide he might want to try it, instead of associating it with That One Time.

    When I was 20 my dad took me canoeing for the first time, and berated me for not being skilled at the J-stroke. I love canoeing now, but hell if I’m going to go with him.

    Good luck! He might always be a sensitive kid, but if you trust him, to a certain extent, to know he’s not ready for some things, eventually he will be, and he’ll be really happy he learned it on his own.

43. Meaghan on July 7th, 2011 5:47 am

    Wow, that sounds terribly frustrating for you. But stop beating yourself up about it. It happened and I’m sure it will again, but dwelling on it isn’t going to help anyone or anything.

    Really, you can’t force your kids to DO anything they don’t want to do. And I don’t think in these situations, that you should. I like the commenter who would “invite” and then go on with her life – if he doesn’t want to have fun with the rest of you, then that is his problem. It might mean you have to do stuff you don’t necessarily want to (ride the slip and slide many times) to show him it is fun, but…

    I would probably react the same way about the skinned knee. And my children aren’t as old as yours, but I try to take a step back and say “I can’t help you until you calm down.” And sort of the “use your words – screaming doesn’t help” tactic. Really though, I think the key is to stay calm yourself – these kids, they totally feed off of us.

    Good luck, and just focus on the good parts of the weekend, it’s better that way! :)

44. Callie on July 7th, 2011 5:47 am

    I’m sorry. My son is only three and we have some of those same issues. He is less tentative and anxious than he used to be, but he is still not the type of kid who is going to run in and join the fray of kids at the playground or do a belly flop into a swimming pool. My husband recently got frustrated with him at the playground because Cash was standing at the top of the slide letting every other kid go before him, refusing to go down the slide himself because “the other kids will get mad at me.” Where he got this idea that it’s not ok to take your own turn, I have no idea, but I hate that he doesn’t have the confidence or gumption or whatever the right word is to just take his turn on the slide. He is on the whole much more comfortable with adults than other kids. And sometimes it is embarrassing that your kid is the timid one, but honestly, in the long run I think I’d rather have the kid who is cautious and thoughtful and doesn’t always jump in with both feet. Maybe it means he will think twice before drinking and driving, trying drugs, etc. More than likely they will grow out of most of it, but their personalities may just be more calm and reserved, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We’ve all had times where we said things we regret. All we can do is try harder next time.

45. Jenn on July 7th, 2011 5:49 am

    He sounds similar to my daughter. She goes through phases with irrational fears. We’ve tried so many things (and had so many moments like the one you mentioned). It seems positive reinforcement works for her. Her confidence in herself increases when we talk about, not how well she can do, but how well she has already done. She is ten and I just learned this last week. No amount of high pressure or shaming (which was sadly our go-to method) convinced her to do anything.
    All the best!

46. Melissa on July 7th, 2011 5:50 am

    More about my son’s new found drawing ability…a few days later he drew some complicated shape vaguely resembling a person and when I asked if it was another monster he laughed at me and said “No, Mumma! It’s a little boy poopin! See? There’s his pink part.” And sure enough, when I turned the paper 90 degrees, there was a remarkably accurate drawing of a penis. The speech that followed was that there are some things that it’s only OK to draw at home and not in church…

47. Kathy on July 7th, 2011 5:51 am

    I have a 14 and a 19 year old so I’m writing from a perpective of looking back on so much that just didn’t matter. So many things that I worried about, even obsessed about just didn’t in the long run matter one whit. Now, you telling him he’s acting like a baby, ridiculous etc does matter (not that we all haven’t done similar) but that needs to stop. Dead. But whether he goes on the slip and slide, or goes in the water – just doesn’t matter. Just because he won’t today or tomorrow or next year even, means almost nothing in terms of what he’ll be doing 5 years from now, what kind of teen he is or what kind of adult he will become. Nudge him a little maybe but within the bounds of being repectful of who he is now. I’m not talking about misbehavior, that’s a whole different story, I’m talking about letting him be who he is. He needs to know that it’s ok to be that person and that he’s still ok, still lovable. That does matter, a very important life lesson, way more important than whether or not to go on the slip and slide.

48. cakeburn@mindspring.com on July 7th, 2011 5:57 am

    I’m going to be the voice of dissension here–instead of telling you Riley’s “just fine” and to just leave him alone and he’ll “grow out of it,” I’m going to reassure YOU that you are doing a great job of parenting. Perhaps the skinned knee incident wasn’t your finest moment, but as you mentioned, it came at the end of several trying experiences which hugely affected what happened there. Probably not the best way to handle it, seeing how scraped knees DO hurt and DO involve tears, but in all honestly most of us can totally understand how you got to that point.

    Now I’m going to say a lot of unpopular things. But let me preface by saying true belittling is never okay when dealing with your kids. Telling a child they are worthless is belittling; telling a child they need to “suck it up” or “stop being a baby” is NOT belittling. Babying our children sets them up for bullying later. Do we need to teach our children not to BE bullies? Yes! Do we ALSO need to teach our children how to help minimize the potential for being targets? HELL YES. I don’t see anything wrong with what you and JB did in the 1st two instances, unless it was letting yourselves get too frustrated, but hey, that’s what happens when you are in the trenches, so to speak. Telling him things are going to be okay and keeping your arms around him until he comes to that conclusion fosters TRUST–that you only have good intentions for him and that his fears are ungrounded. This is not a bad parenting tactic.

    So, to wrap up this stupidly long comment, I just wanted to tell you to stop beating yourself up. We cannot spare our children all discomfort in life, and it’s better for Riley to hear that he needs to change his behavior from people who love him and who are encouraging him for his own good than to be taunted and made fun of by cruel peers.

49. karen on July 7th, 2011 6:03 am

    linda, i have to agree with the commenter who praised you for posting this. it takes balls to admit to dark moments in parenting, but you consistently put yourself out there. thank you.

50. Mindy on July 7th, 2011 6:05 am

    Linda,
    You are doing the best you can. I don’t know how you are able to describe it all so clearly but it is like you described a day in my life too. Parenting is so damn hard. Thanks for putting words to the thoughts in my head and providing a space for some great advice!!!

    Thanks to your commanders!

51. Kate on July 7th, 2011 6:06 am

    I have literally zero advice, just commiseration. I have what some might call a histrionic kid. He’s 7, and while he seems to be growing out of some of it, he’s very nervous, exceptionally dramatic and super whiny. My husband and I tend to get along extraordinarily well for our ages (both relationship and chronological) and what we’ve been through, but we argue a lot about how to handle this guy. I regret so many instances of being harsh, uncompassionate, impatient…I always vacilate between wanting to help and wanting him to just grow the hell up already.

    Last night was his first soccer practice, and his first experience with team sports. I was terrified – I was afraid he’d whine about the heat, the running, be afraid of the ball (he still can’t catch or anything)…but he ran his ass off. He got nailed in the face by a soccer ball at close range and hopped right back up and kept running.

    It gets better, I think. Sometimes all on its own.

52. Kate on July 7th, 2011 6:12 am

    Perspective from someone who was an anxious child- my mom mainly reacted to this by shaming me. Didn’t do any good, but hey, I eventually grew out of my fears and am a fully functioning adult now. No long term damage done.

53. Melissa on July 7th, 2011 6:14 am

    All I can say is that I’m a little bit glad I’m not alone. My almost 9 year old has the same tendencies. She’s afraid of rain, so she sleeps on our floor when its raining or God forbid, thundering. That one, I just accept. I don’t want to spend all night telling her to suck it up, when I could be sleeping. Also, it turns out, we all have irrational fears..or most of us..that we can’t get past..and if I can accept one person’s…I can accept hers. I’m hopeful they’ll grow out of it, I’m pretty certain they will and so we can just wait for that day.

54. Cheryl S. on July 7th, 2011 6:14 am

    I’m SO right there with you. Jessica (who will be 6 next week) is very similar. She’s very afraid of some things and, like you, I’m not sure when to push and when to back down. I also get into fights with my hubby because he was raised like “Buck up and deal” and I was very sensitive growing up so I know that too much pushing doesn’t help and probably hurts.

    I just try to navigate as best I can. And believe me, I’ve been the recipient of the “Why are you mad at me?” looks and questions too. Feels like shit.

    A quick example. Jess is very sensitive to noise. HATES fireworks. This year our neighbor (who has kids her age) is lighting off fireworks. First, I had to get her noise cancelling headphones for her before she would even go outside (Yes, that’s how sensitive she is. We OWN noise cancelling headphones for her)So, she does fine with the sparklers, and the fireworks that just shoot fountains of sparks and stuff. Then he lights one that goes up in the air. Instant freak out. If that child could have climbed back into my uterus, she would have.

    Well, this is embarrassing. And my hubby is out there and he gets pissed because he’s embarrassed. He starts in on her. Of course, she gets upset. So, I took her up on the neighbor’s porch, but I would not let her go inside. For a while she just totally hid her face. But, I stood there and talked to her and by the end, she was actually watching some of the fireworks. Yes, she still had the headphones on. And, yes, she was only peeking out from behind my shoulder, but to me, that’s progress.

    Maybe expose Riley to something like water in a neighborhood pool. Let him sit on the side and put his feet in. Start small.

    Here’s hoping all our sensitive kiddos learn how to deal with it and so do we. {{{{HUGS}}}}

55. JB on July 7th, 2011 6:20 am

    Linda, I think the fact that you’re agonising over this makes you a good parent. At least I’m going to tell that to myself after a rather fraught day with my 3 yo who has tactile sensory issues. I’m trying to remember that rationality is sometimes beyond her at this age. I don’t expect her to be able to read at this age and so I don’t get angry with her for not being able to. She can’t always process or control her feelings at this age and so I shouldn’t get angry with her about that either. Doesn’t make it any easier to get out of the house though…

56. Anonymous on July 7th, 2011 6:27 am

    From the amount of replies, I would say you as a parent and Riley as a kid are not so unusual. When people comment about our “sensitive” one, I smile and say, “That’s just part of his/her make-up.”

    Every child is different; there is no cookie-cutter development ritual.

    Every parent will look back at some actions/reactions with regret.

    And the world continues to turn.

57. Ericka on July 7th, 2011 6:30 am

    I just really admire you (and JB) for talking about this. Reflecting on our parenting isn’t easy and I don’t ‘trust’ enough online to open myself up for this. But your commenters are nothing but supportive.

    I guess that’s why I love coming here.

58. Eve on July 7th, 2011 6:36 am

    Being patient with an anxious child can be the hardest thing in the world! It doesn’t matter that you know you should–especially when you stay home with them all day, little things can really get to you. Please stop beating yourself up. :)
    That said, for stuff like swimming and the slip n slide, I just try not to press the issue with my daughter. She gets anxious/nervous in a lot of situations that other kids seem fine with too. I just ask if she wants to do it, and if she doesn’t, I don’t press it. Well, on a good day I don’t press it. Sometimes she sees other kids having fun and eventually changes her mind and tries the activity. Sometimes she doesn’t and it sucks to be sitting on the sidelines when all the other families are having fun. But that’s parenting I guess– a lot of not-so-fun moments sprinkled with good ones. I read your blog and don’t really ever comment, but know that you are a wonderful parent and it’s very easy to see how hard you try every day. :)

59. Claudia on July 7th, 2011 6:37 am

    You are probably overwhelmed with good comments right now (and I haven’t read them so I apologize if I repeat what someone else has said) but I have a kid a bit like Riley and I can recommend two books that may help: Raising Your Spirited Child (by, uh, I cant’ remember – it’ll pop up on a search) and The Explosive Child (Ross Greene). I have a daughter who is very INTENSE but not to the Asperger’s degree. She feels things much more intensely than others (esp adults) do and her reactions to things often seem WAY MORE melodramtic than is called for. She has a things about food texture, tags in clothes, etc. But, as she’s gotten older, it’s gotten better. She used to be terrified of the ocean so beach vacations sucked for two years because one of us would go out alone with the beach loving kid and the other was stuck behind the dune with the ocean-averse kid.

    I think the books will help you respond better to him. And remember that he’s not reacting this way to annoy you. He really does feel things very strongly and the only advice I can offer is: allow him to feel the way he does. Don’t take it personally. Respect his feelings – don’t push him to do things he instinctively doesn’t like. My daughter used to hate bouncy castles but one day, she just decided to get in one and liked it. She’s seven now but I don’t think it was a case of “try it, i know you’ll like it you’re just being stubborn”, it was that she hated it then, got older, and now can do it.

    You need patience and tolerance – much more so than with kids who are quite this intense – and those are very hard to come by most days. Those two books touch on this (they encompass a lot more – you can ignore the bits that don’t apply) and can help you gain some perspective and help him be a happier kid. Good luck! Parenting is really hard. I had no idea it would be so challenging.

60. Amy on July 7th, 2011 6:37 am

    Thank you for writing this… my daughter is the EXACT same way. We struggle with this constantly; how can we give her the tools to function properly in the world and nurture (or at the least not break) her spirit at the same time.
    We can’t be perfect all the time; your son is lucky to have a parent who reflects on the parenthood experience so deeply. Thanks again for your blog. I really enjoy it!

61. SarahO on July 7th, 2011 6:39 am

    I can completely identify with you and your struggles with Riley. My daughter (now 5…and 3/4 she reminds me) was/is super sensitive right from birth. Food issues, noise issues, any little new thing set her off. What I ended up doing is just totally backing off. You don’t want to jump on the trampoline? Okay, that’s cool. But I’m going to. You can just watch. Slowly, but surely, it has worked. She sees other kids doing stuff and she’ll try it eventually. She’s still overly sensitive and really struggles with new stuff. But, it is getting better.

    As far as the not so proud moments — we all have them. We all have those times when we say things we wish we hadn’t or acted differently. Don’t be so hard on yourself!

62. 4MenandALady on July 7th, 2011 6:44 am

    My 4-1/2 year old son wanted to play soccer. He would practice with the kids no problem… come game day he’d cling to me… would not step foot on field and demanded I stay with him on the bench. Coach was patient and reassuring and never pressured. I could tell the other parents thought I was crazy for even bothering to show up. Every Saturday we’d dress in our uniform and I’d stand on the bench and we would watch together. Four weeks went by. On the fifth week he high fived the coach and asked to go in the game. He’s been playing ever since.

    As a parent I guess you just have to show up, be patient and learn from your mistakes. He’s my third kid and you just kind of learn these lessons the hard way. Not sure I’d have been as patient with the first two.

63. Erica on July 7th, 2011 6:44 am

    No advice, but thank you for making me feel like I am not the only one.

64. Bobbie on July 7th, 2011 6:46 am

    It sounds really painful from every angle. I think we can all recall the person who lovingly worked really hard on us, pushing the choices that weren’t intrinsic to who we were/are…..would it be OK to simply let him be the sensitive one; loving and accepting him where he is at without trying to evoke change?
    Hugs to you & Riley.

65. Jenny on July 7th, 2011 6:51 am

    Your swimming scene sounds eerily like most of my summer. My daughter, who is 5 and will be 6 this year, acts as though she is being tortured whenever we take her to my mother-in-law’s pool. My husband and I have a terrible fear of our children being in water without knowing how to swim, and we know many people that have pools and many times that we are not there with them, and well, we decided this year she was going to swim, dammit. So when we take her into the water and she emits brain piercing screams and panic and clawing at our backs and shoulders, in front of EVERYONE and why the hell won’t she believe me when I tell her I’m not going to let go . . . I have told her she was acting like a baby and that she was being ridiculous. I have said those things. It makes it hard when her 3 year old brother is attempting to swim from one of us to another without floats because he’s at least trying and she’s not even calming down enough to hear us.

    I don’t want to make her feel bad but I want her to know that we believe she can do it, that she can trust us and not be afraid. I want her to know that it’s very important that she learns how to swim. I want her to not get freaked out by a million little things or to be over dramatic about the bigger things. I certainly don’t want to belittle her either, but she IS being ridiculous.

66. Charlene on July 7th, 2011 6:52 am

    Riley is my Wesley. I say Wesley is the in box kid. no, stepping outside the box. He is senstive to things and it takes time for him to warm up to new ideas. God Forbid you do something that is not in his rule book because you are going to get a melt down. As he has gotten older (7) he is getting more adventerous. Questions to ask when he is being sensitive is is he tired or hungry I see Wes digs in his heels if any of these are present. Sometimes it is neither. it is fear or anxiety riding it.

    I have learned when to push and when to say Ok buddy we do not have to do it. Example of this june he was not ready for a boat ride when we got to the lake this year. We do it every year. Guys were leaving running to get gas for the boat. I told him to go with Dad and walked away. He came back all smiles and I was told he was telling my BIL to go faster. When he does something that really makes him nervous and does it with no complaining I praise the hell out of him. Use words to build his confiendnce up.

    Ask Riley what he would like to learn to do that scares him. Write it down for him. Post it. JB and You take turns with him getting past the 1st fear. then move to the next. It might one step forward and six back. But for every 1st step he takes praise and praise some more.

    Remember you are a parent and we make mistakes. If it is bothering you sit Riley down and talk to him about why. Use words that he can understand. We all make mistakes with them. they will survive.

67. Christina on July 7th, 2011 6:56 am

    We are in the same boat on SO many fronts. I mean reading this was like reading about our weekend. This was compounded by the fact that we were having a really difficult visit with my family which is always difficult but it was made worse by the actions we took as parents to handle our six year old who is very sensitive.

    I feel like the past few months have been a downward spiral with him and I am constantly apologizing and mentally promising myself to be different, better, calmer and than he does something new or gets more intense about a situation (there are so many right now: the weather, the tide coming at the Puget Sound for instance) and I freak the fuck out on him about it. The same with my husband. I have said to my husband about a million times the past few weeks: “I am SO tired of yelling at the kids”.

    What a sad statement of our lives lately. We were in Seattle (Everett/Muk. area) over the weekend and I swear to you we had the same experience you had with Riley. I feel terrible about it, I feel terrible that I am not the adult I should/could be for him and I know one issue has to do with letting go over controlling him. He is not two any more, he’s six and very capable of handling things his own way. As in, if he does not want to do something that is his choice even if it not how I envisioned it, you know?

    One example happened last night, my lowest point. I put him in timeout for not listening which is a huge issue in our house right now. I totally handled it well, I was calm and spoke quietly. I was super proud of myself. THAN he would not do the timeout the way I wanted him to do it. What a stupid reason to get mad! He was upset, I was upset and it was total drama. Had I just put him in timeout and let it go, it would have been fine. Instead he and I were both crying and frustrated and angry. Totally stupid.

    I see from the comments on here a lot of people are in the same boat.

    I too want to brush the negative moments under the rug and just focus on the positive but I feel like if I keep pushing it under the rug it is just going to get worse and/or never change.

    I think there a lot of first born kids who are like this. They are sensitive and strong willed. They have no one else to compare it to like their siblings. In fact, his sister makes him bat shit crazy because she is so laid back and has taken to saying “Mommy, I not scared of the water” or “Daddy, if it rains that okay with me” just to prove how she is NOT scared and how scared he is of those things.

    I actually own that Spirited Child book that a few people mentioned and have started to read it a dozen times since it was recommended to me when he was 2 yrs old and already showing us his spirited ways. I think I need to read it for real this time!

    We also go on jags of being really good about telling him what to expect from things (a big trip for instance) and we have been doing a shit job of that lately. That really helps him to know what to expect.

    Anyway, holy rambling comment. Sorry you just hit the nail on our situation recently and I am so “glad” in that awk. parenting way to know that there are others in our same boat. Hang in there!

68. Jas on July 7th, 2011 6:58 am

    I have some nieces and nephews who, for some reason, would rather be around the adults when we are all gathered together. All the adults are doing is sitting around and talking, but the kids want to be stuck to their sides, to the point where they will refuse to engage in other (kid-friendly, and specifically provided for them) activities. These kids are all around 8-11 years old. Recently, the adults have stopped tolerating this. The most frequent thing you hear at our gatherings is “GO. PLAY.” You don’t have to do the activity, but you can’t just hang around us, either. Their parents decided they didn’t want them to be so co-dependent on the adults in their lives – they are old enough to start entertaining each other and themselves.

    All this back story is by way of saying: Maybe it’s not so important that Riley participates in the things the other kids are doing, but it’s possible that sometimes he’s using it as an excuse to not have to leave you, JB, Grandma, etc. That’s obviously not the case with every melt down, but if you are seen as “the safety zone”, it might be one reason he chooses to be on the sidelines. Letting him know that he doesn’t have to go on the slip-and-slide, but he needs to go amuse himself some other way that he likes might start to push him toward a little more independence.

    Of course, this might not apply to Riley at all, so in that case, feel free to disregard :)

69. Jen on July 7th, 2011 7:02 am

    I’m so sorry that you are going thru this. I swear you are talking about my son about 3 years ago. He is almost 10 now and he is a completely different child. He just grew out of it. He was afraid of water, of bounce houses, of school, I could go on but basically he was afraid of life. We even took him to a therapist (my husband is a police officer and our son was scared about his job). But I think he was just “that” kind of child. And he needed time to come into his own. I know this doesn’t make right now any easier for you. And believe me I cringe at some of the things I said to him during those years. But he is now a sweet, daring almost 10 year old who still loves us in spite of how we handled his issues when he was younger. Sorry for going on and on. Also I’m in work so couldn’t read all the comments so I’m sorry if all of this is repeating what was said. I just so feel like you’re living my life from a few years ago. Good luck :)

70. Lisa M. on July 7th, 2011 7:03 am

    My reaction comes from a POV of desperately wanting kids, and having thought about various child-rearing issues, but not being able to have kids, so really, having absolutely 0 relevant experience. (so, caveat emptor)

    I wonder if the weekend was kind of full of new experiences for Riley? new faces, new environment, he had just had a couple of days without you and JB around – maybe all that stressed him out more than you realized, and made him more vulnerable to his issues?

    If new experiences are hard/scary, I would try and increase his exposure to new things. You could start with new things whose scare factor is likely to be small, but I think the key is to keep bringing the new experiences. As he gains in life experience, and positive outcomes from new experiences, his confidence will grow, and maybe the next new thing won’t be so scary? This is what I would try.

    And don’t beat yourself up about it. It truly sucks, you didn’t act like you wish you had (we’ve all had THAT happen) and it’s probably a good thing for Riley to see that you and JB are fallible.

71. g. on July 7th, 2011 7:03 am

    I have no advice on the actual behavior, but as a child-less person, I can say this: I suspect most people in public probably are not judging you or Riley too harshly. There are always a few obnoxious idiots, but for the most part, if I see a kid having a meltdown, I think “poor kid. poor parents.” and that’s kind of it.

    Unless it’s a very extreme neglectful situation in, say, an airplane or a very enclosed space? There’s not a lot of judging going on, I promise. It’s like when you wear your bathing suit in public and realize that actually, no one cares what you look like in it.

72. rebecca on July 7th, 2011 7:06 am

    Swistle made an awesome observation the other day, that knowing a fear is irrational doesn’t make it disappear.
    I am an adult with anxiety, and I have a daughter with sensitivity, similar to what you are going through with Riley…and if I can’t convince myself to let go of irrational fears, how can i expect my kid to?
    that being said, she and I both are much better than we were. On the days when I am a good and compassionate mom (not all of them, I assure you), I sit down with her in a quiet place and talk to her about why she is scared. When we are doing something new, we talk in advance about what is going to happen so she is prepared. And after years of feeling like a major douche, we don’t force her into situations she is anxious about. We let her move at her own pace. Most often, she gets over it eventually.
    As far as other parents/relatives…when it came down to it, we decided our kid and her feelings were far more important than what anyone else thought/said about our parenting styles. Not easy sometimes, no…and parents who neither have anxious kids or are anxious themselves are the most judgmental.
    It isn’t about never failing, it isn’t about being too permissive. Violet is always encouraged to do things for herself and work out her own solutions to her problems, and sometimes seems to spend more time being disciplined than anything else, but never for being scared. well, almost never. I am not perfect. :)

73. Run4Donuts on July 7th, 2011 7:07 am

    As the parent of one daredevil kid and one OHMYGODEVERYTHINGISTERRIFYING kid, I feel your pain. The worst is that moment when you realize that you are not helping; you are inflicting your own concerns on your kid, which sounds like what happened with the skinned knee incident. It’s called being human.

    Everyone is different, but for us it worked best to NOT try to cajole, bully, trick, or force our girl to do something that was really not necessary. If she wanted to just watch the proceedings and not get on the slide, no big deal – we just let her know that she could join in whenever she was ready. It led to much less drama (hers AND ours) and gave her the room she needed to try when she was ready. It also kept us from treating her like she was somehow “less” because she didn’t want to do something that we thought would be fun.

    Today, my “cautious kid” is a 12yo recommended black belt who is away at camp this week doing zip lines and Lord knows what else. She isn’t the ‘fraidy cat that I was worried she would turn out to be; she just likes to see how something works and think it through before she gives it a try. Nothing wrong with that.

    Throughout this process, I also had to learn how to apologize to my kid and ask her to forgive me when I pushed her too hard for no reason other than my own insecurities about how her behavior made me look. That is very hard to do. But humbling yourself to sincerely apologize to your kid sure makes you stop and think the next time.

    Finally, let me tell you that it is awesome how you put things like this out there so honestly. Brave you!

74. Olivia on July 7th, 2011 7:07 am

    I’ve done similar with my two year old, fercrissakes! I hate myself for the times when I’ve yelled at her to just shut the fuck up already (yes, even that language *total SHAME*), and then realized that she actually had a reason to be upset. Just as bad is realizing that it doesn’t matter if I think she has a reason. She is upset. Full stop. I need to respect that.

    All that is a long-winded way of saying I understand why you did what you did. For now, and I hope in the future, I can remember that forcing my girl to do something she is clearly freaked about will in no way make it better. I can give encouragement, but forcing the issue will only make things worse.

75. Kristin on July 7th, 2011 7:10 am

    I didn’t read all of the comments, so I’m sure you’ve gotten this advice already, but I also have an anxious kid. Not anxious enough to seek professional help, but anxious enough about certain things to be pretty disruptive and let’s face it annoying and frustrating. He’s 7 1/2 now and it has taken me a while to be able to keep my frustration level down enough to calm him down. There are times when I say “you’ve got to pull it together or go have a time out” and there are times when we can sit down and talk through what he is feeling. He’s also old enough now to express more of his thoughts… and that poor kid has such scary thoughts. He recently freaked the f*&k out because I threw away the piece of paper that was under a painting he made (to protect the table). He kept saying he couldn’t stop thinking about that piece of paper getting squished in the garbage truck. WTF kid? It’s a piece of paper. I don’t want him to suffer from anxiety his whole life, so I try to give him coping skills he can use now. It really is about us changing the way we deal with his behaviors, and it’s hard. You wouldn’t tell an adult with anxiety to suck it up and act like an adult. (Well, maybe some people would, but it’s probably not the best answer) It gets easier. You’re a great Mom, just keep trying until you find what works for your family.

76. Evelynne on July 7th, 2011 7:10 am

    I am also not a parent but I was a sensitive kid and sometimes it seems I spent half my childhood in a state of fear-induced nausea. :) Any time I had to do something new or too exciting I’d get scared and queasy. For the most part (once I got older, at least) I’d do it anyway, but I wish I had had someone to help me deal with those feelings better. I’ve learned to deal with them really well as an adult, but neither of my parents understood that aspect of me when I was a kid (still don’t today, actually — I don’t know where I got it from!) so I got a late start.

    So from that perspective, I really like the suggestions people are making to be reassuring, tell him it’s okay, he’ll be okay, and he can do it when he’s ready, and then leave him alone to work it out.

    At this age I think his fears really are just irrational and waiting it out will probably do the trick. But as he gets older, if this continues, you might be able to help him take a more proactive approach to his fears. If you can talk to him about his fears in a calm moment afterwards, you might be able to help him reason it out. (As others have said, talking about fears when he’s actively feeling them is useless — his flight-or-fight response is going haywire in his little body and he CAN’T be reasonable.) If you can help him identify the specific fears and help him reason out why those fears don’t make sense (or help him develop a little plan he can follow for the imagined worst-case scenario), it’ll give him something to hold on to next time and give him the confidence that will help him face it.

    BTW, I got a lot of that “don’t be ridiculous” and “what are you scared of” I’m not psychologically scarred nor am I mad at anybody for it. :) It *IS* ridiculous! I don’t blame people for reacting that way and I’d rather not be such a ninny, myself!

77. Angie on July 7th, 2011 7:12 am

    I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times–you are one brave soul, Linda. You’ve articulated what many of us have gone through and felt, right down to the deep, dark parenting shame. You’re getting lots of good advice here, so I really don’t feel the need to add my own other than the next time you find yourself losing your shit on the little guy, count to ten and give him a hug. Remember how small he is and how much he depends on you and JB for everything, to include emotional equilibrium. The world isn’t going to end if he doesn’t do the slip’n’slide, but his world will feel like it’s ending when he has both parents screaming at him and at each other.

78. MyFrogs on July 7th, 2011 7:19 am

    I don’t have any advice about the meltdowns. But when I’ve found myself being crappy to my kids (daughter dropped my library book in the pool the other day) when I calm down I talk to them and just let them know I’m not mad at them, just at the situation. And I apologize to them as well. ‘Cause even if they’re little, they’re still people who deserve that respect of saying “hey sorry I was being crappy, I had a bad day too”. Plus I think as kids get older they need to realize that parents have feelings too. That it’s a 2 way street.

79. Melissa on July 7th, 2011 7:19 am

    We are going through a very similar thing with our 5-year old. It is so hard when you are in the middle of it all to maintain composure. I totally hear you….no assvice from me.

80. Erin on July 7th, 2011 7:20 am

    Not a parent yet so I can’t offer any advice, other than to say I’m so sorry, and that I think all parents have gone through this. From what I can tell from reading your blog, you are a fantastic mom 99.9% of the time, and if you’re a shitty mom 0.1% of the time? Well, that’s better than most people, and the kids won’t remember the 0.1% in the long run. Hugs.

81. Elizabeth on July 7th, 2011 7:24 am

    One thing that was at play here that I’m not sure anyone mentioned yet is the fact that your son was away from home. He is more likely to be “extra” on guard when he is not in a familiar setting. He may be a lot more willing to try the Slip ‘n Slide in his own backyard. He deal with a skinned knee better if it doesn’t happen during a time when his routine is shaken up and he’s stressed from travelling. Probably the *intensity* of his reactions had more to do with the fact that he just had too much “new” stuff going on to be able to handle every questionable situation. He’s looking for things he can control–Such as: Not swimming when I don’t want to and not going on the Slip ‘n Slide when I don’t want to..
    He knows he can’t control the fact that he is on a trip (however fun it may be!) and he can’t control the fact that he is surrounded by new(ish) people (extended family he doesn’t see everyday), he can’t control the fact that he is sleeping in a different place, eating different food, having a different schedule, etc. Plus, he might have been a little tired or hungry or thirsty and overwhelmed in general and he just. couldn’t. deal. with. one. more. thing. (Just like you in dealing with his meltdowns!)
    I have been there, done that with my own five year old, who often acts more whiny, less tolerant of everything, and even downright bratty during vacation time–whether we are travelling or have company over. I know how embarrassing it can be! But! Just think, those other kids that jump into the water and on the Slip ‘n Slide with no qualms at all WILL embarrass their parents in other, potentially more noticeable ways (such as swearing in front of guests or being openly rude or ungrateful to grandma at Christmas or whatever).
    Plus, ALL kids of ALL ages have freak-outs and I guarantee that the other adults and kids did not think what Riley was doing was unheard of, or inexcusable, or even something worthy of noting later on. Besides, of course, the whole: Oh I was anxious too as a kid! (That comment was most likely just intended to let you know that: Hey, I screamed just like that as a kid over the littlest things. No big deal and it’s not unusual at all.)
    I guess what I would do is give him more choices he can “control” when he’s out of his home comfort zone. Let him pick between swimming with daddy or doing something close-by where everyone can still see him. He may immediately choose to do anything but go in the water, but after watching everyone having fun he *might* come around to: Hey, I wanna go in too!
    When he understands it’s his choice to go in the water or it’s his choice whether he goes on the Slip ‘n Slide, he will feel comforted and more or less understood. When he feels comforted and understood by others, he is less likely to freak out SO PASSIONATELY about something else later on (such as the skinned knee).
    But please don’t beat yourself up about how you reacted. I have really, really been there, done that. The best you can do is own up to your mistakes and admit that you lost your temper. If you don’t feel like bringing up the situation, since it happened a few days ago and Riley may have forgotten about it, just work on reacting better during the next episode. Your reaction to Riley may have been harsh, but it’s also normal and every parent has been there. You’re a fabulous mom and I often read your blog and think of what a wonderful life you are providing for your boys!

82. Pickles & Dimes on July 7th, 2011 7:25 am

    Riley and Dylan remind me so much of my nephews. They have the same age difference, and the older one, O., is so sensitive about so many things. It’s as if he doesn’t want to try new things unless he knows he’ll be good at it. And not even good, but PERFECT. He reacts the same way to water; he sits out from playing fun games with the other kids because losing sets him off, and he starts randomly screeching at his younger brother for, get this, “having too much fun.”

    On the other side, his younger brother is fearless, and jumps into any new adventure without hesitation. (Both literally and figuratively: while trying to coax O. into just putting his feet into the swimming pool, his brother A. jumped in without hestitation – much to everyone else’s horror.)

    For O., waiting to do things on his timetable used to work, but now seeing his brother pass him by, that seems to be forcing him to do things more quickly. It’s like he doesn’t want to fail, but by God, he doesn’t want to be outdone, either.

    Do you think if Riley sees Dylan doing the things you want Riley to do, and Dylan is getting praised for it, that it might push Riley into wanting to do those things?

    It’s such a tough call, especially when you KNOW they’re capable of doing something but they’re unnecessarily freaked out/scared by it. I wish you guys the best in this.

83. Erika on July 7th, 2011 7:25 am

    Riley knows that you and JB love him. Remember that you show him love way more than you lose it a little bit. He will remember as well.

84. RRM on July 7th, 2011 7:26 am

    First, thank you for sharing your story. Second, I have a quick story to share: My husband and I (and our then-almost one year old) attended a Christmas party two years ago at a co-worker’s fancy house. All the other mothers of one year olds were feeding their kids from the table. My son had hardly eaten any table food at that point in his life–therefore, in my mind, I was a terrible mother. I decided I needed to “fit in” by giving my baby a spoonful of homemade mashed potatoes. He promptly projectile vomited all over the beautifully set table and the rug underneath (which probably cost more than my house). That was the precise moment that I decided not to care what other people thought about my child or my parenting skills (or lack thereof).

85. Erin on July 7th, 2011 7:27 am

    Oh, and to clarify… I don’t actually think you were a shitty mom in this situation, just a frustrated one. Which I completely empathize with. It will all be okay.

86. Emily on July 7th, 2011 7:28 am

    My 3 1/2 year old daughter is afraid of my sister’s cat, who cannot be more than 7 pounds. Shrieks in terror, begs to be picked up. It’s awful. That’s just one example. I know I have reacted similarly at times, and this is to a 3 year old. Someone told me it’s a control issue…she has no issues about climbing up trees/jumping off rocks/etc. because she can control those, but has no control over, for example, the cat. She is also a little OCD about certain things, so maybe it’s the same kind of thing with Riley. He just needs to move at his own pace. But I have so been there, and felt the same kind of shame and disgust with myself. All you can do is to try to have a different reaction next time.

87. Cara on July 7th, 2011 7:38 am

    Ugh. I’m so sorry. First, kids are resilient. Riley will be fine. Probably long before you. Try to cut yourself sone slack.

    Second, I don’t know if it will help, but you might take a look at the book Simplicity Parenting. The author theorizes that some of our ‘anxious’ kids are overwhelmed by modern life and struggling to find control any way they can. Not everything in the book rang true for me, but there was lots of food for thought.

    Finally, my one year old is just starting to really test me in the ‘public opinion’ arena. One strategy that’s helping me is to remind myself what I would do about it if she were, for example, autistic; I’d ignore everyone else and focus on what she needed to get through this. And then that’s what I do, because it doesn’t matter that she’s not autistic. Every kid has their own challenging moments, and parenting is about her, not the frowners. I’ve even said to one ‘helpful’ lady that we were just having a moment and I would handle it. I may have hurt her feelings, but then again she was giving unsolicited and unwanted advice to a stranger at a bad time. Thems the breaks.

88. Amanda K on July 7th, 2011 7:44 am

    I feel like you just described my son. What’s crazy is that he’ll love something one week and the next he’s freaking out, screaming bloody murder if we try to get him to do it again. It makes no sense. He’ll be 4 in September and I’m starting to think it’s that age. The only thing I can think to do with him at those moments is sit with him and watch from the sidelines. If we give him enough time to decide to do it on his own, he feels more confident and has more fun. It’s HARD to do that since you just want them to enjoy themselves and be a part of the group, but pushing him made it 1000 times worse.

    I hope it becomes easier. This parenting thing is hard, yo.

89. Jamie on July 7th, 2011 7:48 am

    Wow, it’s like you’re writing about our family. Similar situations, same exact reactions (from parents and child)…my god. So many times I wish I could unsay, unfeel, undo. But at the same time, WTF kid? Like Riley, Alex (also 5) is getting better at some things, and developing new issues. And mine has also developed this new high-pitched-glass-shattering screech rather than a cry. Instead of blubbering like a baby, he’s standing there screeching like a whistling pete. Makes me miss the crying. Hell, I’d even take a reguar tantrum-y scream than this screeching bullshit. All I can do is try my best each time to remain calm. sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t. But I do try. I’ve made a point of telling him that even though I get frustrated at him, I do love him very much and that never ever changes. But just as he gets angry and upset, Mommies and Daddies do too.

90. Tara on July 7th, 2011 7:55 am

    I can relate. I often forget that my son is six years old, and for some reason, I expect him to be a rational human being. And because of my unrealistic expectation, on MORE than one occasion, he’s hurt himself doing something I had told him not to do, and instead of comforting him, I yelled at him for not following directions. Last night, he broke down crying because someone on “House Hunters International” bought the house that he liked the best, and my husband and I tried to tell him how ridiculous he was for reacting that way. Every time something like this happens, I feel completely awful and inhuman once I realize what I’m doing.

    I’m just trying to keep in mind that he is a child, not an adult in a small body, and his mind works differently than mine does. I enjoy his unique perspective when it makes me laugh, but I need to learn to step back and consider his perspective when it frustrates me, too. It’s hard.

    Not sure I was helpful, but I wanted to respond because this really struck a chord with me. Now I need to go back and read all of the other comments to see if there’s any good advice for me! (So far I really like the “count to ten and give the child a hug” suggestion. . .)

91. KarinP on July 7th, 2011 7:56 am

    I have a 4 year old daughter that has had simliar reactions. She has always been sensative, or just not going with the flow. I remember her freaking out about 14-15 months at grass. It was an issue to go to the park…she couldn’t handle grass on her feet. And now at four she is still a bit nervous and scared of thing. Our neighbor has a zipline which all the kids love. My two year old happily gets in a net and goes flying down the thing. The four year old wants to love it but is WAY too scared to try it.

    She is also right there with any scrapes, bumps, or other injuries. She just loses it. Its hard to calm her down.

    I always took it for this is who she is. She was never like the other kids. Their moms would go for walks and the babies would happily sit in their strollers. My child would always ALWAYS freak out halfway in and i’d be struggling with this child, and getting more pissed by the minute.

    After 3 more years of this, its just who she is. I can’t make her not scared, or anxious…she has to figure it out on her own time. And while she is I’ll be chasing my two year old who has no fears of anything.

    Who knew your kid would actually have an opinion about things, right?

92. Heather on July 7th, 2011 7:57 am

    My son is also 5 and is also very sensitive. He freaks out about fewer things than he used to, which gives me hope for the future, but I have been in situations similar to what you’ve describe (screaming child, conflict with my spouse, wondering what the neighbors are thinking) so many times. It completely sucks. Like Amanda said above, I hope it gets easier.

93. TB on July 7th, 2011 7:57 am

    My daughter sounds just like Riley and I have had the exact same parenting moments with the exact same regret. For F, it’s taken us almost ten years to realize that if she’s freaked out about something there is no amount of cajoling or bullying or shaming in the world that will convince her to participate. In fact, that usually just makes her dig her heels in even harder. Left to her own devices, a lot of times she’ll come around, but when she she feels dragged into it, the flip-out can be epic. She’s better now that she’s older and can be a little more rational about things. I think the hardest age for this kind of stuff was 4 and 5.

94. K on July 7th, 2011 7:59 am

    Look, don’t beat yourself up. You know other people were thinking the same thing as you, but they get a pass b/c they’re not Riley’s parents. Also, I agree w/ other posters that sometimes you do a disservice to your child by coddling them or letting them keep their irrational fears. I mean, the rest of the world definitely won’t tolerate it or look kindly upon it. I also wonder if some kids cling to their irrational fears b/c they’ve learned that it gets them attention. I mean, it must have be kind of nice to have people focused on you, cajoling you, encouraging you, etc.

95. Nimble on July 7th, 2011 7:59 am

    He’s not doing it to get you. I hope you both can find a way to not take it personally. I have to remind myself of that all the time.

96. el-e-e on July 7th, 2011 8:02 am

    Oh, god, I’m so sorry for all the guilt. I have been RIGHT THERE, and it sucks. I haven’t read all the comments, but my 7-yr-old is JUST now able to go to the movie theater without freaking out (and he still covers his ears). Swimming has been painful. But I feel like I see the light at the end of the tunnel now, and am hopeful it’s just an age thing.

    We did enroll him in swimming lessons this spring (age 6), in a level well below where most of his peers were, and it was SO hard for him that first day. He cried and didn’t want to try anything they suggested, but by damn if he didn’t chin up and work through it — another sign that age HELPS in this situation. I couldn’t believe it.

    Just want to say you’re not alone, and Riley will be FINE, he will figure this out.

97. Sahara on July 7th, 2011 8:07 am

    Kids are just so hard. xo

98. whoorl on July 7th, 2011 8:09 am

    No advice, just utter commiseration. I am hard on Wito…so, so hard on him at times, and yes, I’ve definitely been guilty of wanting him to feel bad about himself and/or his actions. I’m just trying to learn from it, you know? One mistake at a time…

99. Trina on July 7th, 2011 8:09 am

    You are so not alone on this. My daughter (6 years old) is EXACTLY the same way. So much so that my SIL almost every single time we are together suggests that we take her to occupational therepy for sensory issues. My nephew is autistic and so she feels that she has an expert eye for these things now. I have considered it, but her doctor doesn’t think it’s necessary. The reason why, she is HIGHLY gifted. We always knew she was a smart girl, then this year in Kindergarten after the 2nd day of school her teacher said she needed to be tested for giftedness. So we did. She was at a 3rd grade reading and math level. This behavoir is one of the many signs of highly gifted kids. I am sure once Riley is in Kindergarten you will see how far advanced he really is compared to other kids his age.
    Also, my husband and I have TOTALLY done the same thing with our daughter. Yelled at her and belittled her for freaking out in public or have had our frustrations boil over when she falls and skins her knee and then freaks out like she has broken a bone. We always feel like shit afterwards. It’s normal.

100. sarah on July 7th, 2011 8:09 am

     For the swimming thing, My kids 3,5 and 7 did NOT like the water. We have a boat, so I wanted them to at least be comfortable in the water. We put them in swimming lessons over the winter and they helped a bit. The little one went from refusing to go in the water to willingly going in. Also, their comfort in the water and willingness to try stuff was directly related to their age – oldest was definately more willing etc.

     This summer, the kids have been hanging out in our neighbour’s pool fairly frequently. They can all touch the bottom, and that seems to really make them more comfortable. I have just let them hang out and spend lots of time in the pool and all of a sudden, my oldest is swimming underwater, the middle child is jumping off the edge (which I NEVER thought would happen) and the youngest is happy just hanging on the edge.. I found just giving them time to go at their own pace made a huge difference.

     Do you have a pool near you that you could go and hang out at? Or could you do water stuff in your backyard and if he wants to try it out he can, or he can choose not to?

101. Redbecca on July 7th, 2011 8:10 am

     You have a gift with words, Linda and you captured it all so amazingly. Your agony (and Riley’s) comes through the screen with the force of a Mack truck.

     I think most of the advice posted is really good and it sounds like there are so many of us out there! We all have parenting moments we aren’t proud of and would take back in a heartbeat, but sadly there aren’t any do-overs. We can only learn from it for next time.

     One thing I haven’t seen mentioned here is that you said Riley lost his shit in the lake and was screaming about fishes going to get him. Reminds me of you losing your shit about algae and stuff in the lake at the triathlon. It still freaks you out, right? And you’ve learned to mostly cope with it now and you’re how old? Cut your 5 year old some slack on that one, eh? You KNOW that feeling in your bones. He just approaches it differently than you do because he hasn’t learned how yet.

     My kiddo is sensitive too (and has ASD). For him new things are about getting used to it, being able to “control” it, and not getting pressured too much to do it. If we make a big deal about it or he thinks we think it is important, he feels incredibly pressured to do it right the first time, which we don’t expect but he seems to think we do, and he WON’T do it. He will do stuff at school and daycare he won’t do at home and it is like it is okay to mess up elsewhere but not in front of his parents. Not sure where he got this idea of perfection for us, but it drives me nuts. So we try to be casual about anything new, but at the same time talk it up a TON before we get to it or do it so he doesn’t have a complete flip out, and let me tell you that is quite a fine line to walk!

102. Kristen on July 7th, 2011 8:17 am

     I have no advice to offer. But I do have to say thank you. Thank you for being so honest. I think every parent has these moments but there aren’t too many who share them. It’s so nice to know that everyone, EVERYONE, has moments like this.
     I hope Riley outgrows his sensitities and I hope your family finds the best way to deal with them, in the meantime.
     Again, thank you Linda.

103. Keri on July 7th, 2011 8:20 am

     Linda, just stop. STOP. If people forced YOU to face your own personal fears and called you a baby when you flip your shit, you sure as hell wouldn’t like to be belittled like that.

     I had TEARS in my eyes reading this post. For Riley. That poor kid. PLEASE leave him alone. If he does not want to try something new (or old for that matter), tell him that it is OKAY to feel uneasy and remind him that whenever he is ready to try, you will be there to support him. His fears may not be rational to you but they are to HIM. RESPECT him and his feelings. He will come around WHEN he’s ready and IF you stop pressuring him and belittling him which is only making his reactions worse. He needs your loving support. He needs hugs and kisses when he falls and scrapes himself or when he’s in a situation that is uncomfortable for him. Hugs and kisses will help him feel more and more secure. Please, Linda, just stop forcing the issue (like you did with their eating habits until you finally let it go and things have improved, right?). Best of luck.

104. squandra on July 7th, 2011 8:22 am

     You’re such a damn good writer. I identify with this very much and all I have is a DOG.

     Seriously. Litter mates, boy and girl. Girl is happy go lucky and fearless. Boy spends a SIGNIFICANT percentage of his time standing at the door and whining anxiously. At people, bikes, other dogs, birds, LEAVES. All of it.

     Doesn’t hold a candle to any sort of parenting, obviously. But it’s behavior we’d love to change, and have tried SO HARD to change. Gentle Comfort, Stern Correction, Losing My Shit, and everything in between … Nothing works.

     All that to say that even I identify with the feeling that despite what are really, truly, my best efforts, I’m still doing it wrong. The smart people who are ACTUAL PARENTS in the comments above have what I’m sure is some excellent advice. Here’s to hoping this too shall pass.

105. Kim on July 7th, 2011 8:22 am

     I have rarely commented here (or anywhere), but I just had to say that I so appreciate that you are willing to lay your parenting struggles and low moments out there. Makes me feel a little less like I’m the only one who sometimes acts like the exact opposite of the parent I want to be.

     Anyhow, the fact that this quirk of Riley’s frustrates you so kinda makes sense to me. You and JB are very adventurous people, who are always trying new stuff and just going out there and DOING STUFF, even if it kind of scares you. That’s a great quality and you rightly want your kids to pick up on it, and you can be that awesome family that is taking on all sorts of cool stuff. And then you’ve got this kid, who is just not wired that way. At all. My husband and I are much the same way, so I can totally see it being supremely frustrating…

     Not that I have any clue what to do about it. I guess the fact that you are instilling adventurousness and willingness to try new things as a value you think is important will probably someday tip the balance for him, and help him overcome his more reluctant, overly cautious nature. So maybe then, you’ll have a kid who thinks it’s important to try new things, but cautiously. That’s pretty awesome, right?

106. Maggie on July 7th, 2011 8:26 am

     My kid is frustrating in completely different ways, but I totally relate to this anyway. Thanks for putting it out there. I feel a little less alone in my parenting screw up shame!

107. Jean on July 7th, 2011 8:29 am

     We’ve all been there, but the key is that you realize you can do better, so give yourself a break.

     I constantly tell myself that I am the role model for my daughter. If I make it a big deal, it’s a big deal. If a simple situation sends her screaming, I try to downplay it as much as possible. Sure, get out, chill out, relax. But I also don’t coddle her. It seems to work. Somebody else said it – walk away. They figure it out.

     I think when you freak out BACK at them, it turns it into even a BIGGER issue. It creates pressure and it makes the fear more formidable. So I’d say, you don’t like the water? Okay! But I’m going in there to swim and play and have fun. It might take 3 summers for him to decide he wants to let go of the anxiety, or two weeks, or he may NEVER let go of it. But essentially, you have minimal control over it, especially in TELLING him how to feel. Never gonna work! I’ve tried it myself.

108. Heather on July 7th, 2011 8:37 am

     After everybody calmed down, did you ask him about it?

     Sometimes I have tried that and he has said something that actually made sense to me. On a stressed out day daddy-o took a diaper change that turned into WWIII, it was awful. I asked him what happened and he told me that his butt was sore and that I do diapers softer … THAT was why he only wanted me and fought dad so hard. OH. Gotcha. Makes sense.

     Other times he has NO idea what I’m talking about, that he got so locked up in the fear that he really was just blind fighting (like toddler night terrors). After that, I knew that just going into a blind terror fight was possible, and when I saw it then my goal was getting him back into the world before taking on whatever the actual problem is.

     Thank you for sharing.

109. willikat on July 7th, 2011 8:40 am

     Totally normal. Sometimes a skinned knee is just that, and you have to move on. I think that your concern for your parenting is a sign that you are a great parent. Everyone reaches a breaking point and reacts badly sometimes.

     I don’t have kids, but I do have a VERY anxious dog, and I was a giant, intense ball of anxiety for my whole childhood. It’s not rational, but it is real. I was scared of EVERYTHING as a kid. You name it. It eases as you get older and have more life experiences. Sometimes just telling them that “Hey, that’s silly” or not magnifying it into a big deal makes it a smaller deal to them too, you know? He will get there, safely and unscarred, and so will you. Don’t beat yourself up.

110. Lanie on July 7th, 2011 8:41 am

     I think since it is an issue for you and JB, it needs to be a program that is worked on at home in the safety of not being in those scary overly sensory moments.

     You can explain it as being brave and having faith in himself. Check out books from the library about similar topics, make a plan. You must try to touch it, sit on it, listen to it – whatever it is just once without being upset, and then saying “No Thank you”.

     Once he is desensitized to the initial introduction to it, he graduates to, must try the whole thing “slip and slide” just once all the way down. And then he can decline more participation.

     I think it’s kind of like a deal and he should get rewards for being brave later. That way he might not have the melt downs if he knows jsut one time will get him out of it entirely, and he might end up liking it.

     That way, it’s a secret deal from friends and family and they don’t have to see the negotiations between you two because it’s something your always talking and working about at home.

     I was an anxious kid and eventually ended up going to therapy for insomnia and “having to use the bathroom” All. the. time. I know now that it was just an escape for me, having to use the restroom because I could get out of any situation. In line at Disneyland for 4 hours and right when we get up to the ride, I would get anxious and have to go. My parents wanted to kill me, but they made a deal. Wherever I was, I got to use the bathroom only once. (After they found out it wasn’t a medical issue and I wasn’t really going). That sounded okay to me, and I would SAVE that one escape to be used at my descretion, and you know what? I just stopped escapping because i NEEDED to have that out in my back pocket. It was too much anxiety.

     Good luck!

111. Linda on July 7th, 2011 8:43 am

     Oh, you guys. Thank you for everything you’re sharing with me. Thank you, thank you.

     One thing I didn’t articulate well is how difficult it is for me to know when to push because sometimes pushing WORKS. Like, that’s how we got him potty trained — he would sit on the potty and cry and freak out and one night (when I was gone, otherwise I probably would have intervened) JB was just like, you’re not getting off this thing until you poop. Sounds crazy, right? But he did it, and that was that. It was like he was scared of doing it for the first time, and once he did, he was totally fine.

     The swimming thing was also confusing for me because we went to a lake yesterday afternoon and Riley happily went right in up to his damn head. (I didn’t even bring a SWIMSUIT, since I figured he wouldn’t have anything to do with it.) What was different? Someone mentioned upthread that the new people/situations of being at the cabin may have affected him, and I feel a lightbulb going off over that thought. Also, we tend to think we’re helping him when we’re doing something like bringing him in the water in our arms, but clearly he wants to do it on his own terms. Next time at the cabin, I’d take him to a shallow spot away from the crowds and let him splash his way in if he wants.

112. Kristianna on July 7th, 2011 8:47 am

     Read Raising Your High Spirited Child. Some kids just can’t put away irritants or fear. Some learn how to cope… some get labeled with Sensory Integration problems. It’s a good book, regardless, for me to help, oh, REMIND myself to change around how I look at things when they’re ticking me off, haha.

113. Sarah on July 7th, 2011 8:49 am

     I was totally a kid like Riley. I was scared of everything even remotely risky (I can clearly remember an EPIC show-down over a water-slide at the local water park that everyone else loved and I faked stomach aches nearly every swim lesson due to diving board anxiety), preferred plain vanilla everything over “riskier” flavors, hated scary movies (or anything even resembling scary movies), etc… To be honest, I’m not especially proud of that side of me but now that I’m adult I’ve realized that it doesn’t really matter. I now love to cook so I’ve gotten over the plain-vanilla issue, but I still don’t like scary movies or haunted houses, can survive a roller-coaster but prefer calmer rides, etc… What I know now is that it doesn’t matter. I have friends who love horror movies & that’s perfectly fine, but there’s really no reason I have to. I’ve also learned as an adult that it’s completely possible to not enjoy aspects of a particular experience without it meaning that I’m just idly sitting on the sidelines. In general, I think it gets better as kids get older and learn more about themselves and the world and that he (and you) will both be fine. Until then, good luck… parenting would be SO much easier with a manual, eh? :)

114. Kerstin on July 7th, 2011 8:49 am

     Hi there. I’m not sure if this is helpful or not, but have you read anything by Penelope Leach? She’s a child psychologist and she basically says a fearful child won’t be made less fearful by being forced to face their fears — the opposite is going to happen. What was scary becomes absolutely terrifying (and is compounded by the other feelings created in the unpleasant ’showdown’ situations created by trying to make the kid overcome the fear by facing it).

     Does that make any sense? Anyway, the gist of it is that if a child is afraid of something, you leave it be, and do what you can do to help minimize any embarrassment or shame they might feel because they’re afraid. You just tell them it’s ok, nothing to be afraid of (so they don’t start to think YOU’RE afraid!) but if they’re scared, that’s ok, some other time maybe.

     Easier said than done, as always. Good luck!

115. ememby on July 7th, 2011 8:54 am

     I just wanted to say thanks for having the courage to write this (but then I find much of your writing courageous and inspiring). My almost 5-year-old has many moments like Riley’s and I can barely keep myself from saying, “Can’t you just pull your shit together?” Which means a say a lot of other things that I probably shouldn’t as well. Because sometimes you’ve got nothing left and you’ve exhausted all the options. And like you also said in your comment reply, sometimes the pushing works.
     But it makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one and we’re not bad parents. We’re all trying and learning.
     Thank you.

116. MRW on July 7th, 2011 8:55 am

     Haven’t read all of the comments because I’m pressed for time, but this is an issue to which I relate. My son is 8.5 and he is cautious by nature. He would not put his face in the water until we finally shelled out for private swim lessons and the teacher helped him do it and now he’s fine. He wouldn’t go down a slide alone until he was over 3. He wouldn’t try the rock climbing gym at a friend’s birthday party this fall. There are times when his level of caution drives my husband and I completely insane. It’s all I can do not to bite at him and tell him to man up. I know it would be wrong, but damn it, it’s frustrating as hell. When it feels like I’m going to throttle him, I try to think that perhaps this means during his teen years he won’t be putting himself in harms way physically and that’s a good thing. Still it bugs.

     On the other hand he’s far more outgoing than I am and has no fear at all in social situations – he gleefully signed up for camps all summer long in which he knows no one and glibly told me “that’s ok, I’ll make friends” and he did. To me this is as mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

     I guess I have no advice other than to say you are not alone in feeling frustrated or in reacting to his caution in a way that disappoints you sometimes. I am there, I’ve been there, it’s tough.

117. Cassandra Redding on July 7th, 2011 9:18 am

     My second son is like this. He hated the weirdest things. Dude would not go in a bounce and play when all his friends were jumping and having a good time. He is 13 now and while he still does not like big changes (when we moved I had to paint his room the exact same colour as the last one) he is just fine. I think you should just breathe and let it go. Riley will be fine. I found that the more I pushed my son to do or try something, the more adamant he got that he would not. Don’t push him, ignore the weirdness and let him figure it out. It will be okay.

118. teapotlady on July 7th, 2011 9:33 am

     To quote Lady GaGa, maybe he was just “Born This Way”

     Remember his baby pictures where he always looked SO SUSPICIOUS?

119. Larisa on July 7th, 2011 9:33 am

     I don’t think my boys are quite as fearful as you describe Riley to be, so I think I’d approach it as a personality trait (hey, we’ve all got our quirks, right?) and focus on overcoming one fear at a time rather than being able to just dispell his fears as a whole. You might find it less frustrating because you’ll be able to focus on each little success (sounds like he’s had a few successes already-food, baloons, movies: Way to Go Riley!!!).

     But we have dealt with a few fears of our own. I would only add a couple of things(these are probably my parenting mantras for pretty much every day): (1) Trust your gut. If you think he needs to learn to deal, then he does. If you think you were too hard this time, lighten up and move on-It’s the only way to survive parenting. (2)Pick your battles. If he could live a long and happy life without a slip-n-slide experience, then why bother? He will have plenty of other opportunities to learn to “deal”(eg: Swimming pools are far more prevalent and dangerous IMHO-esp. here in SoCal-so my kids will learn to swim whether they like it or not.) (3) Make it fun and non-threatening if possible. Eventually, the positive experiences where he comes out alive every time will quell his fear, he’ll be bored and confident and ready try new things at his own pace. (Corrollary: be patient) eg: I have my fearful 3 yo (fearful bc big bro told him that if you get water up your nose you will drown and DIE! – but that’s another saga in the parenting adventure…) hanging out on the pool steps blowing bubbles in the water (mouth only). We periodically pick him up to swish him around in the shallow end, and now he’s discovered on his own that he can stand at the foot of the stairs (head above water of course). No amount of urging on our part could get him to put his feet down on the floor of the pool until he was ready. SUCCESS! Yay Bram! (He’s so proud of himself). BTW, he’s also in swimming lessons to challenge his fears (I think the instructors are more experienced and know what “works best”. I also think the two experiences work together, and it’s not Mom pushing him-as usual-so he can focus his frustration/anxiety on a non-parent).

     Comparison: At the same age, I let my older boy-the daredevil-dunk himself a couple of times to give him a healthy respect for the water. It took him about a month of swimming lessons to get over his fear that, yes, mommy instilled in him. I took a lot of heat for that parenting choice from friends who feel we should always protect from “ouches”, but I feel there’s no better lesson than personal experience (esp. for this kid, and refer to #1 above).

     BTW, have you read the “Little Quack” books? I think they’re good stories to help fearful kids.

     That’s all I’ve got…Good luck!

120. Leandra on July 7th, 2011 9:38 am

     You have so many comments that I haven’t read them all but your situation sounds SO similar to what we were dealing with with our daughter. She FREAKED out about putting a life jacket on to go on a boat ride at the Okefenokee Swamp two years ago after being excited about said boat ride all day. She got so upset that she ended up throwing up everywhere. Yeah, we’re the parents trying to force a lifejacket on a kid who’s not only sobbing but also throwing up. Yeah. For me, I finally boiled it down to two things: 1) I needed to prepare her for every aspect of what might happen. If she wasn’t prepared it was like she was blindsided and would freak the eff out. and 2) it was all about expectation on my part. When I quit worrying about it and just decided to go with the flow and quit worrying about what OTHER people thought, then it was easier. I’m not gonna lie, #1 was easier than #2. I still struggle with that one but I’ve come to realize that she will always be the kid who hangs back a little. She’s my shy kid. I’m just hoping that these same fears will keep her from doing crazy dangerous things when she’s a teenager! LOL!

     Hang in there. You’re not alone.

121. Maggie on July 7th, 2011 9:43 am

     I think we have all said things we regret to our children. It is hard. My oldest (age 10) is super emotional and cries over the littlest things, “You are being ridiculous” has come out of my mouth more that once, I am ashamed to admit.

     I have been having a lot of issues with my second daughter in terms of irrational fears, and social interactions. She is also the MOST. DEFIANT. CHILD. ON. EARTH. So, together we started seeing a therapist. It was more to help me deal with her (do I push her, do I let it go, etc.) but I have learned a lot in only a few sessions. She has a need to be in control (defiance) and she has some social anxiety, which causes her to act in odd, and sometimes embarrassing ways in public. I just thought she was being a brat because she covers up the anxiety with over-confidence. Like she won’t say hi to someone because she doesn’t want to not because she is scared. All this to say it might help to talk with someone, it might help you to understand why he acts certain ways and how to react to him.

     I want to add that I was afraid of a therapist slapping some diagnosis on my child so I resisted for a long time, but it wasn’t like that and it actually has been super helpful. We have been interacting much better. Parenting is hard, isn’t it?

122. jen on July 7th, 2011 9:46 am

     Thank you so much for writing this. It makes me feel less alone. Seriously. I have (always) had very little in the way of patience and it is so hard with a child. I think the important thing is exactly what you are doing…recognizing the behavior and working to change it. I think on the domestic front, it has helped my husband and me to discuss before how to handle situations like these. For a long while, I would get angry with my husband because I felt he was being to hard and vice versa. So we decided certain behavior warranted a specific, always the same, response from both or either of us. It does not always work but it helps.

     My little sister, who is now 20, was very much like this when she was younger. She’s grown up to be such a lovely young lady but she is still very worried about not such rational things (my elder sister bruises easily and always has but my little is worried she has cancer). But on the plus side, she doesn’t drink herself to oblivion like most college coeds and drives very carefully, etc. I think some people are just more cautious by nature and Riley seems to be that way. Plus I think most of it he will grow out of. Good luck!

123. Qtilla on July 7th, 2011 9:49 am

     I was terrified of everything (water, cameras, sand, noises, heat, foods- too many to list). My mom started out with arm grabbing and hissing, which never ever worked, finally she basically ignored it. She’d tell me once to put my big girl pants on and deal with it and that was it, she’d ignore the situation afterwards. I would eventually feel lonely/dumb for not enjoying myself and either try it or wuss out and go read a book.

     Later I discovered I have generalized anxiety disorder (not that I’m implying he does) and I learned strategies to maintain my equilibrium, and now I’m totally normal, if not a little daring.

     It’ll get better, but I think eliminating the pressure is the first step. Don’t provide him with alternatives. Just state the situation and leave it.

124. Heather D. on July 7th, 2011 10:12 am

     My son, who is now a full fledged teenager, is similar. He, however, has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. He truly cannot control how his body reacts to things. For example, we have a dog, I groomed dogs at the house for many years, we love dogs. He was taking the garbage out one night when the neighbor’s golden retriever came up behind him and startled him. His reaction was completely overblown. Came in the house shrieking, hollering, couldn’t settle down. When he was finally able to tell me that he had been feeling ‘buzzing’ sensations throughout his body we realized he had had a panic attack. It doesn’t make sense, but that is how he is.
     He is still afraid sometimes to go upstairs in the dark. We have to walk him up to his room. My husband belittled him for it until I took my son to a therapist where he revealed that he felt like there was ’something or someone’ up there that was going to get him. No matter what we say, we cannot convince him that nothing up there will get him. This fear pops up when he is going through a period of anxiety. All the belittling by my husband (or myself) wasn’t going to fix it.
     I hear you, it’s frustrating. I’ve done my share of ‘grow the hell up’ type conversations but I might as well be telling him to start growing another color hair. He has about as much control over that too.
     I’m sorry, I don’t really have answers, I can just relate to the frustration. I do know, that what he really needs from me is support, so I will walk him upstairs, but only if he takes his anxiety medication.
     It helps me when we are in those situations, to remind myself that the world just seems a little more dangerous to him and what he needs from me is compassion. I have to take a breath, repeat in my head that he needs my support and not my criticism, bite my tongue and walk him upstairs while acting like it is no big deal.
     He doesn’t ride roller coasters, he doesn’t like the pool, he is very sensitive to sounds and can be very startled by a sudden, loud noise, he can be so, so difficult but is a freaking genius who will do great things someday. I don’t want him to look back and wish that his parents would have been more supporting of him.
     Like your first commenter said, some kids are just wired differently. Good luck. :)

125. KKF on July 7th, 2011 10:15 am

     Wow 123 comments. I have to put in my two cents too:
     As you may know, I was a massive tenderfoot too. A lot of it I got over… eventually. Most of my tears were just a short circuit over new information and were far less concerned with actual hurt feelings or fear or resentment or anger.
     Might I suggest role-play? Have him take his war guys and you be a guy and he can have two guys and one of his guys is “Riley” and then you and his other guy can help talk his Riley guy into doing something he’s scared of? Or maybe he could help “teach” his brother how to be brave in certain pretend situations. That way you can kindof suss out what his triggers are AND what he uses as safety phrases.
     I’m no parent, so I’m just thinking out loud, but those things REALLY worked for me to help me put big picture situations together that were otherwise totally throwing me into meltdowns.
     Good luck! You and JB are still great parents and your boys are still awesome!
     meltdowns and all.

126. Tamara on July 7th, 2011 10:15 am

     Oh man, I did this EXACT thing to my niece at Disneyland of all places. The cryingest place on Earth! And I felt so terrible about it later. I still feel terrible about it. I was sure she was refusing to do things, not because she was scared, but because she wanted to control the situation and make everything about her. She’s 8. No advice for you, just commiseration.

127. MM on July 7th, 2011 10:17 am

     I’m not a parent, but I was a sensitive child. Things that touched my skin (including food) and sound are my two challenges. I can’t stand some tags in shirts, and I remember my mother having to cover the seams of some of my shirts. They were just too irritating. I was a picky eater, too — nothing too strongly spiced, no vinegar, no onions, nothing with the wrong texture (lima beans! ugh). And noises could easily become overwhelming. Balloons still bother me (all that anxiety about when they’ll pop), and I have a hard time with fireworks (love how they look, but the noise *hurts*).

     I remember my parents as being quite supportive, but I’m sure they “lost it” sometimes, too. And it must have been very difficult for them to set the boundaries. If you completely reinforce shy/avoidance behavior, it gets worse. I know someone who cannot get on a plane to visit his grandchildren because his fear of using public bathrooms was reinforced throughout his childhood.

     My parents used a few techniques to help me cope in the wider world. One, I wasn’t able to reject something unless I’d made an honest effort to try it. That meant one bite of a new food, for example. They made a good effort at making sure this wasn’t a battleground. That is, it was a rule, they were the parent, and I could object all I wanted, but it wasn’t open for discussion. They generally did not cajole, blame, or ridicule me into trying things that one time. It was almost like it was a law of the universe!

     The other technique was based on safety and being a full participant in life. The best example here was swimming lessons. My father was a lifeguard through high school and college, and he made it clear that knowing how to swim was essential. Now, I liked going to the pool, but I was terrified to take my feet off the bottom of the pool. For weeks I faked it by lifting only one leg up — I thought I was so smart. But with a good one-on-one teacher (not my parents) who was extremely patient with my fears, and with the knowledge that my parents weren’t going to budge on this, I eventually gathered enough courage to take both feet off the floor simultaneously. And when I didn’t drown immediately (miracle of miracles!), I never looked back. Swimming became great fun.

     Until I had to jump off the high-dive platform, that is. It was a requirement of intermediate lessons. I was fine with diving, and heights didn’t bother me. I could stand up there all day! But jumping off a high platform seemed like the stupidest thing in the world; it was terrifying. I absolutely could not make myself do it. Finally they agreed that I only had to do it once, and my instructor realized that he would have to jump with me. We did it, and I never did it again. I’m sure my parents thought I was loony, and maybe the other kids thought I was a baby because someone had to hold my hand, but my self-esteem was high enough that I didn’t care. I don’t remember anyone belittling me, and I’m sure that helped.

     I like the comment about the additive nature of new experiences. It can easily become overwhelming, and irrational fears and emotions take over. For me, sounds really trigger this. Even fun things, like going to a party, can become exhausting because of the constant noise. And sometimes it is hard to recognize that this is the true problem; even as an adult I sometimes miss the cues. All I know is that I’m irritable and/or exhausted, even while doing something that I consider fun.Very frustrating!

     So yes, sometimes pushing not only works but is essential. Knowing how far and when is difficult, I’m sure, but you and your kids will survive.

     I also recommend The Highly Sensitive Person/Child books by Elaine Aron. They might help you understand Riley’s experiences.

128. Rachel on July 7th, 2011 10:21 am

     I’m so sorry this is hard right now. I wish there were some way to unsay the horrible things that sometimes come out of our mouths at our kids. The only comfort I have to offer, is that mostly they won’t remember and eventually, neither will you.

     When I was a kid I got a lot of crap from my horseback riding instructors for not being able to internalize their coaching and just DO IT FOR FUCK’S SAKE. I had to go away from the lesson, think about it for a day of two and then I could do whatever they asked perfectly and never needed to be told again. I’m still that way with learning a new skill, be it playing the guitar or knitting or whatever. I have to try to the point of frustration, walk away and do it right two days later. Riley going in the lake made me think of that and wonder if he does the same thing.

     Kids develop at different rates, and normal has a really wide range, but as a general rule I think if something is really stressing you out and results in parenting moments that make you ashamed of yourself, that it’s time to ask a professional. If Riley really has a Sensory Issue then it doesn’t do any of you favors to delay. Whether or not he has a disorder, you and JB will be able to better come up with a plan on how to deal with his meltdowns as a team.

129. KKF on July 7th, 2011 10:22 am

     p.s. another thought struck me just now: maybe he wasn’t scared of the water but frustrated because he wasn’t being understood? He said he didn’t want to go in but you kept asking him. Maybe he’s just going to pieces because he feels like his decisions aren’t being heard?

130. Victoria on July 7th, 2011 10:23 am

     Linda,

     Please check out Tina Payne Bryson at tinabryson.com
     She has a book coming out soon titled “The Whole Brain Child” which I think will be very helpful.

131. Karen on July 7th, 2011 10:24 am

     Thank you for your honesty in this post Linda, and thank you to your readers for their honesty in theirs. As the parent of (what I’m now supposing I should call a spirited) six-year-old, I’m so thankful to hear the perspective of some of your readers who felt these things when they were children. What I wouldn’t give to get inside my kid’s head and understand why the thought certain foods in his mouth terrifies him, or whether his refusal to work on riding a bike is stubbornness or his low muscle tone. What I’m hearing from your wise commenters is that mostly it doesn’t matter. Just back off.

     I have completely been there, in those moments where I’ve berated my son for his fears or disinterest. It’s not often, but sometimes I just can’t take it anymore. Where’s my happy-go-lucky kid who sees only joy in the world? Isn’t that what was in the brochure? It’s so hard to know how to help them. Push them? Comfort them? Distract them? Bribe them? We’ve tried it all. Maybe it’s working. I don’t know.

     The only advice I’d offer that I haven’t already seen mentioned is that you should not be afraid to ask for help with this. We had my son evaluated for his sensory issues when he was two, and so he was in early intervention and then later went to our town’s integrated preschool. Just having the validation that yes, your kid could use a little extra help here– well, it took some pressure off us. We had a framework to work within. I also spent some time with a local child psychologist who offered fantastic strategies for encouraging our kid to try new things (one of our ongoing struggles).

     And finally, I know how awful it is to have to parent with an audience. Knowing that you are being watched by other people (especially family) can add enormous amounts to the stress of it all. I want my family to see that I’ve got it under control, that my kid is normal and awesome, and that I’m a great parent. The truth is, I don’t, but he is, and on most days I am. I have no idea how they see it, but to whatever extent I’m able to tune out their gaze, I find I’m much happier. (I don’t say that to tell you to tune it out, because I expect you’ve tried that; I say that to let you know that I understand how difficult it is to accomplish that.)

     Hang in there. You’re not alone in this, and your kid is awesome and you’re a great parent.

132. Erin on July 7th, 2011 10:24 am

     I can also relate to this–I have a nine year old with sensory issues. He’s totally fine in situations I think would shake him up and he freaks out in situations when I am not expecting it. It’s been a long journey and is getting better.

     The turning point for me was when I separated my identity from his. I used to feel embarrassed or worry what other people would think: of him but also of me. Now, I know that he is his own person with his own “stuff” and I make sure to help him from the perspective of him being his own person rather than trying to “help” him from the perspective of what I want. It’s made a big difference. I suggest letting him be Riley and you’ll all be happier.

     Your writing inspires me to no end.

133. Kristin on July 7th, 2011 10:26 am

     Oh Linda, this post made me cry. I think all parents have been there and reacted the same way you guys did. I know I have. And you feel like shit afterwards. But you’re right–live and learn. I didn’t read all of the comments, but I don’t think I can improve upon what frostedlemoncarrot said (about 25 or so comments from the beginning)–great advice.

     Some kids are just anxious/nervous/scared. Some adults are like that too. You as a parent want your children to experience all of the fun things in life and not be held back by their (to you) irrational fears. The tricky thing about parenting is to figure out when you should push them and when you shouldn’t. In my humble opinion you guys did the right thing with the slip and slide (cajole, make it seem fun, don’t push too hard, let it go if it isn’t working), and probably the wrong thing with the water. When it turns into a screaming situation and you are physically forcing a child to do something they are scared of doing…it’s time to step back and evaluate. Which is so very difficult in the heat of the moment.

     I don’t want this to seem like I’m judging you guys. I really don’t mean it that way–you are both clearly wonderful parents and I completely understand your situation. I have a 4.5 year old boy and a 2 year old girl and have had similar experiences with both of them. Parenting a shy/anxious child can be REALLY hard. I just try to remember that I was that way too–and now I’m not that way at all. My parents did not ever force me to do things that I was scared of doing, and in time, I learned to be braver and face my fears. It will happen for Riley too.

134. Michelle on July 7th, 2011 10:31 am

     I know people are just trying to help but not everything is a disorder. I can’t imagine where someone would get the idea that Riley needs to be tested for Autism or even SPD for that matter. I am glad their is such a great awareness for these things now but it kind of makes me crazy when everything is so overly analized. Kids can have fears and anxieties and stress just as most of us grown adults do. I have a six year old boy that has plenty of things he is sensitive about (water being one of them) and guess what, it is not uncommon. He has lots of friends and I commiserate with his friends’ moms all the time. The more we talk, the more I discover that almost all kids have things they are sensitive about. Usually they outgrow most of it but not always. I was a sensitive kid and I definitely have things I am still fearful of and situations I overreact to and I am pretty sure I am comepletely normal! (well, almost!) I have discovered with my own son that letting him do things on his own terms is the best route and I try to be as easy breezy as I can be about the situation. Sometimes it takes every ounce of strength I have not to push him but pushing too hard always backfires. We have all had those moments and it doesn’t make you a horrible parent, it just makes you human. The fact that you want to help him and that you care is what makes you a great mom. Also, I love that you don’t just gloss over the tough stuff.

135. Lisa on July 7th, 2011 10:42 am

     My daughter started having meltdowns when she was around 5 yrs old. We had her meet with a therapist for a few weeks who told us that perhaps we changed too many things on her at the same time and that’s what sparked it (kindergarten, stop sucking thumb, new room). In any case, she’d see a freckle on her hand and totally lose it. She’d have her hair up and freak that it needed to be down and then when it was down, she’d freak that it could never go back up. It was totally baffling and very frustrating. The therapist worked with her to find coping methods. I would strongly recommend you find someone Riley could talk to. My daughter is now 13 and a lovely girl with a quirky sense of humor and loved by all who meet her. I think it would be a benefit to your whole family. I’m not big on psychobabble, but it was truly the answer with my darling girl.

136. Sunshyn on July 7th, 2011 10:44 am

     Yes, occupational therapy can help. Please, please, please read “The Out-of-Sync Child.” Please.

137. Erin on July 7th, 2011 10:52 am

     We all do this as parents. I have done it a few times myself and carry the guilt with me. It typically happens when I am tired or stressed out or feeling judged as a parent and take it out on my kids.

     Just the fact that you recognize your faults and vow to so better makes you a great parent. Perhaps speaking to Riley now that you are home and and you have had time to think about your actions and how you could have handled the situation better. Riley is old enough for the coles notes version of this post and an apology.

     On the fears stuff, you are doing a great job of modelling how to overcome your own fears. Maybe you could talk to him about that too. Having a talk about things that scare you and how you did it anyway could give you the way to approach his fears in the future. Like saying “remember when I was scared to swim in a triathlon but I did it and I am so proud of myself for trying.”

138. Erin on July 7th, 2011 10:56 am

     I have three sons and the middle child, 9 years old, is very anxious. He has always been super sensitive and recently was diagnosed with ADHD. The meds for that make him *more* anxious. On a recent trip to Washington DC he almost had a nervous breakdown about the escalators going into the metro — literally a panic attack. But he was able to talk himself down and by holding hands (touch really helps) with me, we were able to get through it. After the first few times, he was calmer.
     We also went to Disney & Universal and my is very anxious about the rides. My husband and other sons were all over the roller coasters and thrill rides and 3D movie rides and my anxious child would either panic and have to be taken off the attraction or refuse altogether to go in. My husband was so frustrated! “I just feel bad that he’s missing out on having so much fun!” my husband kept saying. I finally managed to make my husband understand that my anxious son wasn’t missing out on anything fun. He didn’t consider any of those things fun. He was perfectly happy to spend the day at the pool or running around at the dinosaur playground and *that* was great great fun for him. But forcing him to have “fun” with the others was completely counter productive. It really made my anxious boy feel terrible about himself and also more anxious.
     My son and I had a talk about how some people like certain kinds of things (roller coasters) and some people like other kinds of things (the pool) and that neither was better than the other. The key was to understand what kinds of things you yourself like and don’t feel bad about yourself as a person. My son is a good, smart, empathetic, creative, funny kid. There is nothing wrong with him, even if he is anxious.
     Raising the Spirited Child is a great guide to helping your son and your parenting develop as it needs to.
     Lastly, my son has recently been deemed old enough to benefit from behavioral therapy with a therapist who specializes in childhood depression and anxiety. It’s not a “cure” per se, but it does help him work on coping strategies that he can take with him through his life and can help him tackle his anxiety as he grows older and faces new things. Until very recently, however, he was not considered ready for this kind of help. So for the younger kids, who are really struggling every day to do the right thing, the kind of acceptance and preparation strategies recommended in the book are kind of the only option.
     Which isn’t to say that we haven’t gotten frustrated and used shame and humiliation to get our boy to cooperate at times. It happens. But as an overarching strategy, I don’t think it’s all that successful.

139. Maureen on July 7th, 2011 11:06 am

     A big part of good parenting is letting go of the expectations of how things “should” be. Like Riley should enjoy the slip n slide, he should like the water. Fun isn’t the same for everyone. I am not going to say he has an overactive imagination, but that he has a developed one, and he can see what some dangers might be that other kids don’t.

     I’m glad you feel bad about the way you treated him, because you know it was wrong. Any parent has been there, but the important part is what you do now. You have to change your behavior and accept that Riley isn’t going to act the way you want him to. The things you think he should enjoy, he either will or he won’t in his own time. Some people might say I am wrong in asking you to change, but Riley wasn’t misbehaving, he just didn’t want to participate in the activities you had selected for him.

     Shaming never works on kids, and it an awful thing to do as you know. Thankfully kids are resilient, and he probably won’t even remember this part of the trip later on. However, I don’t think it would go amiss that you sat down and talked to him about it, and told him you were sorry for the way you acted. Even though he has probably put it behind him, I think it would make you feel better to clear the air.

     You know you are a good parent, you just had a blip here. Any parent who is honest will admit to acting in a way they regret at one time or another. Forgive yourself.

140. http://www.designermama-manaallamano.blogspot.com/ on July 7th, 2011 11:06 am

     This made me cry. My husband and I have fought about how to handle parenting dramas in the middle of them too which just damn, makes everything so much worse. Its hard sometimes, but don’t forget that you are both great parents with great kids.

141. Chloe on July 7th, 2011 11:11 am

     I can’t help much because I am not a parent (except to a cat, does that count?), but for what it’s worth, I was a fairly sensitive child too, and I’m fine now. I’m not sure how my parents really handled it, I think they just let me be who I was– I don’t think I melted down too much, but it’s been a long time. I am no longer afraid of balloons, but I’m still not a big fan of fireworks being set off around me, or a huge fan of loud noises. I might suggest bringing ear plugs or muffs if you are going someplace where there will be loud noises? It really is a sensory thing, it’s so unpleasant for me that I can’t have fun, and having something around that can reduce the pain will probably make him a lot more agreeable.

     I don’t think they really pushed the issue, just let me be if I was uncomfortable, and when I decided to do something, I would do it (I’m pretty stubborn, very into doing things on my own terms which sounds like what Riley does, too). I did miss out on some things (I can barely ride a bike, I’ve been learning as an adult), but you’ve always got the chance to try something again, when you are older and less scared.

142. Aimee on July 7th, 2011 11:12 am

     First of all, give yourself a hug. I’ve had the same reactions, even knowing what I know. It’s mortifying and guilt-inducing, but you are human. He (and you) will be okay.

     Secondly, you said “sensory problems” sounds more severe than what you’re witnessing, but it’s really not. Sensory Processing Disorder can be very mild or very severe, or anything in between. His reactions sound classic to me, very similar to what my eldest went through. He and I both have SPD; it’s worth looking into.

     Then again, he may be going through an anxious phase. I couldn’t say, I’m not actually an expert, and I haven’t observed him. I’m just a mom who’s been there. :)

     Regardless, what could it hurt to have an appointment with an occupational therapist who could give you an answer?

     The thing to remember here is to not be afraid of the label. Labels are only words, and in cases where they’re correct, they are a HUGE help, because they assist us in guiding our kids on an easier path. The diagnoses for my son has changed his life – in so many ways – for the better.

     The child who screamed if water touched his face is now on the swim team. The boy who couldn’t get a bump or scrape without banshee-like screeches now “breathes through the pain” of badly-skinned knees and says, “It hurts, but it’ll be okay.” This is after lots of therapy, and lots of breathing on my own part, and talking him through it. It’s amazing to see.

143. sooboo on July 7th, 2011 11:14 am

     No advice, just wanted to tip my hat to you for writing such a brave, conscious, solution oriented post. I’m sure it’s not easy to lay yourself bare in this way. I truly admire the lengths you go to make positive changes in your life. It’s very inspiring.

144. holley on July 7th, 2011 11:22 am

     Thank you for this post. It is so nice to hear. I have three kids and one is very similar to Riley. I have moments where I react negatively and am so bummed about my reaction. I have definitely said, “You are acting like a baby” and have even told him “I am embarrassed” Ugh. It sucks. I just have to try to be better, you know? I know for a fact Riley doesn’t have it bad so don’t be hard on yourself.

     Thanks again for the post! So honest. So inspiring.

145. mary on July 7th, 2011 11:30 am

     when i relax, all is well
     our son was a slow to warm up kid. He would rather watch the water go down the slide than slide or hold onto the side of the hotel pool. I could not convince him it was fun. I had fun and then he joined in. He would be super skeptical and most things were risky to him. His sister came along and she is much more adventurous to the point of being suicidal when she was under 3 or maybe 5. He loosened up and even allowed my “ever patient” sister-in-law to walk him around the pool. He was well over the depth. Patience. I think I berated my son with teaching him to bike ride!

146. agirlandaboy on July 7th, 2011 11:33 am

     We’re having a version of this happening with potty training. Wombat will go at daycare (he doesn’t like to, says it’s “scary,” but he’ll go), but he FAH-REAKS OUT when we have him sit on the potty at home. Earlier this week I sunk to the place where I was trying to make him feel bad about it (”Only babies go in their diapers; I thought you were a big boy…”), and yeah, I knew it wasn’t the nicest thing but I was doing it because I thought it would work. (And, okay, because I was frustrated.)

     I don’t have answers for you any more than you have answers for me, but it’s always good to hear someone else’s stories.

147. Marcie on July 7th, 2011 11:37 am

     I’ve been there. My oldest child would do anything, join anything, basically a very easy going kid. My second was like Riley. For me, it did get much better. Now that she is 8, I find a huge difference in her.
     Anything I signed her up for, she cried and cried. Like swimming lessons, (which I stayed right by the side of the pool) skating, (had to go on the ice with her)etc. Everything seemed to be a battle. Once school started, I found her confidence level rising, now she does many things I never thought she would do.

     I have said many times, stop being a baby, grow up, or you’re driving me crazy! Not proud moments, but I did have many of them. I am sure this is little consolation now, but it does seem to get better as they age.

148. Brittany on July 7th, 2011 11:42 am

     Not sure if there is a similar program in your area, but in Vancouver there is a program for kids who are a little more anxious than others called, “taming worry dragons”. It is a program that uses groups with a trained facilitator to help kids use the imagination they have to come up with solutions for their anxiety, instead of using that imagination to come up with more reasons to be anxious. It is a well researched and might be helpful for you to read for some coping strategies- good luck to you! http://heretohelp.bc.ca/publications/cbt/prog/3

149. holley on July 7th, 2011 11:42 am

     PS

     Just read comments. I agree with the parent who says it is ok to tell your kid to suck it up here and there. We did that with the swimming thing. I would say, “I am your parent and it my job to help keep you safe. Part of keeping you safe is teaching you how to swim. Now get the fuck in the pool” Ok kidding about the f word, but you get the point. Some things should be “forced” and some things can be let go. Of course, you know how much you can push your kid and this depends on the kid. Good luck! Love your blog

150. g~ on July 7th, 2011 11:48 am

     Oh, I needed this confessional from you today because I LOST MY SHIT over my 8 year old kid LOSING HIS SHIT over the stupid FINGER PRICK they do at the pediatrician’s office yesterday. It was embarrassing to have to RESTRAIN my normally perfectly compliant child over what amounts to not even stepping on a lego. AND, he actually HAS sensory integration disorder so he does not even FEEL PAIN (like, a week with a broken arm without us knowing) but he flipped the HELL OUT about it. Of course, when it was over, he felt really bad, apologized a lot and admitted it didn’t even register for him a pain. (Pant, Pant, Pant). Sorry to hijack this. But I so feel you on this one. Keep reminding me that I a) Am Not alone and b) am dealing with a CHILD so I should probably, you know, Be Better/Set the Example, etc.
     Just, gah,

151. Julie on July 7th, 2011 11:49 am

     We’ve all been there. When I was still teaching, I would get incredibly frustrated with some of my kids, for no reason. I would just suggest patience. Did Riley really have to go swimming? He has years ahead of him to go swimming. I know the impulse was to provide him with a fun experience, and everyone was sad that it ended being a bad one. If he’s really opposed to an experience, just put it off. He’s young still, and there’s plenty of time for all you want him to experience.

152. Maggie on July 7th, 2011 12:05 pm

     Linda, you are a great mom. Forgive yourself. At least you probably don’t catch yourself saying “What is WRONG with you???” and wondering who the hell you turned into. I’m trying to forgive myself too, and hopefully learn something one of these damn days!

153. Sarah on July 7th, 2011 12:13 pm

     Linda, this post made me cry. Your writing is so powerful and brave, and honest. I didn’t like what I read, but that wasn’t the point. You could easily have glossed over it and not shared it. None of us would have been the wiser. You obviously love your kids and want to be the parent they deserve.

     You’ve received great advice and thoughts from others already. The thing I really want to say is that I hope you and JB can let go of what others think of you, your parenting, and of your kid. They don’t matter. What matters is how you think about yourself, how Riley feels about himself and how he feels about you.

     I was a sensitive kid in many ways, and my parents were not supportive of that in many ways. To make a very long story short, I’ve realized that as an adult, they are not my safe place. They are not my go to when I need comfort or support. Because I don’t trust them to provide it. And that’s sad. I am capable, smart, and have good self confidence, but man there are days when I really would love to feel like my parents could be depended on to greet whatever ill I have with kindness.

     For my own sensitive 3 year old, I am doing my level best to avoid shaming (cause it’s not nice!), or anything that might resemble bullying. I encourage and let him set the pace. Sure other people think we are freaks that he hasn’t seen a movie, but why is that important in the grand scheme of things? It isn’t. Nor is a slip and slide. I’ll let you argue that going in the water is when staying or living near water, but doing it outside his comfort zone in front of a crowd was just not kind. You know that.

     In terms of deciding when to push and when not to, I’d look hard at what’s really vital and what’s not. Potty training? It is really important in the grand scheme, the timing less so. Does he need to do the slip and slide? No. He could live a long happy life without ever going on one. Does he deserve kindness and empathy when he’s bleeding on the street? Yes, always. It’s what we’d do for a stranger.

     As parents, we are totally allowed to have crappy days, but that’s not a get out of jail free card to be a jerk to our kids. We need to apologize in no uncertain terms for being a jerk. It’s what we’d want our kids to do if the shoe was on the other foot. If we don’t do it, where will they learn it?

     Love him for who he is today, not who you want him to be, either today or tomorrow. Isn’t that what we all want?

154. Nancy on July 7th, 2011 12:16 pm

     Just spent 2 weeks on a family “vacation” screaming like a banshee at my almost 6 yr old. Major power struggles every day had me losing my mind AT her and then every night wondering what the HELL was I thinking, yelling at her for yelling! Deep breath. Some of it does pass (i.e. they outgrow the behavior) and some of it needs some parenting help (other friends, some with actual professional experience, have been a huge resource for me), and sometimes it was just in the moment–i.e. you wanted him to join in on all the fun b/c you were with a big group, ON VACATION for Pete’s sake, and it’s supposed to be FUN. Some things are such a huge letdown that your emotions get all bunged up. It’s OK.

155. melanie on July 7th, 2011 12:18 pm

     I love you for articulating all this and having the balls to put it out there – my son is nine and is a big crier, he tends to freak out and get into tears over crazy silly stuff and we are so tired of it that often our first response is “grow up, big boys don’t cry, don’t be a baby” etc. etc. and it feels AWFUL to be that parent, but also so helpless, not knowing what to say or how to stop it and being so embarrassed and wanting him to have a better outlet for emotions and all that….
     Just, thank you so much. It makes me feel so much better to remember that we are all human and we all screw up sometimes and that everyone’s kids are tough and parenting is hard and that I am not a monster for having feelings.
     It’s amazing how many of your posts hit me like that, just BAM, right in the solar plexus with the truth.

156. Rachel on July 7th, 2011 1:23 pm

     I have an anxious son and I totally, totally know what you’re talking about. The cajoling — it won’t be that bad, you know you always enjoy the things that used to be scary once you’re used to them — escalating into the frustrated yelling and the arguing between Mom and Dad about when to back down. (And yes, the dad shouting at the kid who has hurt himself — that was my daughter. Incredibly clumsy like her mama, and it used to make my husband FLIP OUT. It was an issue that we worked on, though he still occasionally will yell at her if she hurts herself.)

     We think of our son as… not disabled by anxiety, just on a slower ramp to independence. And trust me, as he is a teenager now, in a lot of ways it’s a huge blessing that he’s the overcautious type. I think, for example, that he will be a very good driver (in six months. holy crap.).
     He is still cautious but he’s over the most traumatic issues.

     So my assvice, I guess, would be to just kind of let him set the pace. Push him *a little*, quietly and calmly, in safe and comfortable settings (for my boy that means WITH NO SPECTATORS; he hates being in front of strangers VERY VERY MUCH) because without little pushes, my boy would never have tried anything, but keep it easy and let him grow up slowly. It’s a big, big, big world, and I think the thing with my son at least is that he just can’t shut off his awareness of how big it is, how many variables there are, how tenuous life is, like the rest of us can.

     Sometimes with us it’s a matter of thinking: look, is this an essential part of being a human being? Was he irrevocably damaged by the fact that he never spent the night at a friend’s house until he was ten or eleven? No. Does the fact that he will reach adulthood never having been on a waterslide or a roller coaster mean that he will live a cold, hard, unfulfilled life? It doesn’t, so it’s a nonessential and we don’t push it. If at some point he feels deprived or like he’s missing out as he watches his friends and family do these things, well, he can always try it then.

     I feel your pain. Thank you, a million times, again, all the time, for your raw honesty.

157. Lauren on July 7th, 2011 1:27 pm

     So brave to throw yourself to the commenting wolves here.

     I was Riley as a kid. And my parents didn’t push me to learn to swim because 90% of the time I came around to scary stuff on my own terms. They didn’t want to push and make things bigger or worse than they were for me in my own head. So when I flailed in the water, they pulled me out. I liked that as a kid. I felt safe.

     And? I never learned to swim. For a long time, I wish my parents had pushed me and forced me because I’ve missed out on fun as a result. I couldn’t sign myself up for swim lessons when I was nine, could I?

     Now, I think pushing wouldn’t have made it better, but more gentle nudging would have helped. Rather than giving in every time. So your earlier comment about taking him somewhere semi-private to negotiate his own fears is a good middle ground between giving in and pushing on.

     As for the knee-type stuff, I think explicit coaching on coping mechanisms helps. My mom didn’t shame me (that I remember :))because it was ‘that’ bad to me, but she helped me find new ways to approach those sensitivities. Instead of saying “don’t cry!” or any number of other negative shaming statements, I needed replacement behaviors (deep breathing, etc.) explained to me. They didn’t come naturally.

     It will get better.

158. Maria on July 7th, 2011 1:46 pm

     Linda, I love your writing and your bravery to tell this story. I’m sure every parent has those moments that we wish never happened and I’m amazed at your ability to share this one. I’ve just had a similar phase with my 5 year old and it’s this irrationality that I have difficulty dealing with. And it’s tough to admit every time that I’m not a perfect parent and there are moments when I myself have no idea what is the right way to handle him and when I’m choosing the wrong one….. I go through the same excruciating criticism of myself. I love this story, it will always stay in my “parenting library” along with the story of the giant butterfly in Riley’s bedroom…..as in how the hell do we prevent those things from happening. Thank you.

159. Kristin on July 7th, 2011 1:48 pm

     I probably don’t need to add anything, but I just wanted to say something from the perspective of a timid person. My parents and sister are very adventurous and do all kinds of crazy things. I don’t know where my timid nature came from, but I would get scared of things that they didn’t (being out on a boat in the middle of water? I STILL hate that). I am still perfectly happy watching other people do adventurous things, but I don’t really want to participate. I didn’t ride roller coasters for years, but then, one day I decided to try it and now love them.

     I would just say as far as new/scary situations to just let him work his way up to the activity and if he is perfectly happy watching, then no harm done. If he sees everybody having fun, maybe he’ll want to check it out.

     As far as tripping and falling? Maybe you can check and see why he is flipping out so much and address those issues (was he scared? in pain? embarrassed?). And if the behavior is totally inappropriate, address it at another time when everybody has cooled off a little?

     I know–all these things easier said than done. Just wanted to offer my 2 cents as a timid person in an adventurous world!

160. Taube on July 7th, 2011 1:50 pm

     The anxiety you’re describing sounds a lot like my 3 year-old son. He turned out to have allergies (specifically Eosinophilic Esophagitis, although excuse me if I misspelled it) which were affecting his esophagus and making him throw-up at random times and seem like he had an anxiety disorder. (When you’re anxious, your digestive system feels funny, and the opposite is true.) Just putting it out there because there’s probably a lot of undiagnosed EE out there because there’s no way to know someone has it unless they get an endoscopy. Anyway, once we took him off the foods he’s allergic to his anxiety all but disappeared in about 2 days!

     Good luck, Linda!

161. Ally on July 7th, 2011 1:57 pm

     oh boy do I feel your pain and can sympathize with everything you’re describing :(. I have very some experience with this, with my 4.5 year old daughter. She was very much like Riley, but miraculously has basically outgrown most of her fears within the past 6 months. Which is not to minimize all the times we have struggled with her fears before, and all the time I spent thinking about how to best handle them, trying to push her, thinking whether this is “normal”, and whether she needs therapy or am I overreacting and expecting more from her than I should be. Some of her fears were swimming, any kind of shows/plays freaked her out, anything medical (even a doctor looking into her throat, forget about actual painful stuff), any kind of “fun” activities at fairs, carnivals, and on and on.

     I now regret ever pushing her to do anything “fun” against her will. Like the time my husband carried her into the ocean kicking and screaming when during an entire week-long Caribbean vacation she refused to even go near the water! Because fast forward to this past May, when we took her on a cruise, promising ourselves that we would not push her to try anything she didn’t want to try, and lo and behold she asked us to take her into all the pools they had on the ship, spent a whole day in the water on the beach, and now loves “swimming” and did great during her first swim lesson last weekend.

     When I complained to my mother earlier about her not enjoying anything, and being too scared to try things, she told me to get a grip. that there are sick children out there and i’m upset that my kid doesn’t want to do “fun” things. It kind of put things in perspective for me.

     Having said all of that, I realize every kid is different, and we were lucky that the anxieties seem to be going away on their own, while others can stick around well past the age of 5. Still, I think pushing will really not do any good for the most part, at least when it comes to recreational/fun stuff. Going to the doctor – sure, that’s a necessity. But swimming in the lake, enjoying scary movies, etc. – they’ll get there when they get there.

162. Legally Fabulous on July 7th, 2011 2:00 pm

     Don’t have kids so I can’t offer you any advice, but I would just like to say that I really enjoy your blog and appreciate your honesty.
     It’s refreshing to read a blog that isn’t “Little Johnny is so good and only eats organic and sleeps 14 hours a night and speaks Mandarin!”

163. KateMac on July 7th, 2011 2:01 pm

     I’m going to have to read your responses, because my daughter (who’s 5) is the exact same way, and I don’t know how to handle it, and I’m sure I handle it wrong.

164. Lacy on July 7th, 2011 2:11 pm

     My son Andrew is 10 years old and this post could have been us 5 years ago. With Andrew it was fireworks, we bought some to shoot in the backyard, nothing big just for fun kind of stuff. He freaked out, screamed and cried “its too loud, I don’t want to!” And my husband got way upset. Anyway, we let him go inside. He took swimming lessons and wouldn’t jump in the pool, even with a life jacket and the lifeguard in the water to catch him. It is sooo frustrating and hard to watch your kid not participate because of fear.
     I made the decision that I would not push him to do anything that scared him ever. When confronted with a new activity I would ask him if he wanted to try and let him make the decision. It took a long time but he jumps off the diving board with no life jacket, lights fireworks himself, plays catcher for his baseball team. He did it when he was ready and I think pushing makes it take longer and is traumatic for the child. Anyway, that is what worked for us.

165. Becky on July 7th, 2011 2:14 pm

     I’m not sure any of us has the right “answers” because you know your kid best.

     I agree that you probably can’t force a child to do something against their will or talk them out of being scared. But speaking from my own experience, I appreciate that my parents did push me (gently and sometimes not as gently) to confront some of my fears and not let anxiety hold me back. One of my regrets is that I never really learned to ride a bike because that was one battle they chose not to fight.

     I find this issue coming up a lot in my work as a Girl Scout leader, especially as we expose them to new experiences like camping, outdoors, etc. We try to tell them that it’s ok to be scared but to also discuss why they’re scared, try to look at the situation from a different angle, provide coping mechanisms and to at least try new things on for size before deciding it’s not for them. And I think these are important skills. As an adult, there are things I “have” to do regardless of the fact they scare me (hello, public speaking!) but I appreciate that my parents gave me the tools, support, confidence and coping mechanisms to deal with them. The challenge is figuring out how exactly to do this — and the fact that you’re so open about discussing it speaks volumes to how good of parents you are.

166. Victoria on July 7th, 2011 2:14 pm

     I just wanted to thank you for putting this out there for us to read instead of just letting it be slid under your rug…. it’s so helpful to hear that other people feel like they screw up and don’t know what to do about it and I wish I had advice for you that would fix things, but I don’t. I’m just grateful that you had the guts to lay this all out here instead of painting yourselves as perfect and incapable of growth.

167. Angela on July 7th, 2011 2:20 pm

     I am so sorry. It sucks. I went through the exact same thing with my 4.5 yo this weekend, including a screaming match over him taking a shower instead of a bath, with extended family in the next room listening to every minute. The next day I told him if he took one step closer to the lake (he wasn’t wearing a life jacket), he would have to go inside. He took 5 steps, so I had to carry him, screaming, up the hill, in full view of the entire condo complex. What was more frustrating than his lack of listening was the fact that I completely lost my shit on him. I told him to shut up during one of the yelling fits. Nice, huh? I don’t have any solutions (obviously), but I feel your frustrations. Hang in there. Riley is a great kid and you and JB are great parents.

168. Tina G on July 7th, 2011 2:21 pm

     Linda, he is the little person he is….and you and JB will have to adjust to HIM and what he can handle. I have a daughter who hated other children, getting water on her, large groups and new things (among many other sensitivities and fears) for about 4 years. And now she is 8 and she is a different child. She has play dates. She has sleepovers. She puts her head underwater. She will try just about anything once. She still won’t kiss anyone, and she doesn’t like hugs from anyone but me, but you know, in the scheme of things, it’s a big change for the better. Riley’s progression may be slower than you’d wish, and fraught with all sorts of new worries and aversions, but the “you will deal” mentality is what will hold him back. Respect him. (I know you already do) But you are going to have to re-assess how you react every.single.time. Because I have been embarrassed many, many times by my child’s quirks, but never more than I have been embarrassed by my own reaction to her when I was not respecting her. Please read “The Highly Sensitive Child” it really does help you get some understanding and skills in dealing with a sensitive kid.

169. bec on July 7th, 2011 2:30 pm

     So I’m going to repeat what everyone else has said, and say that you just happen to have a sensitive guy on your hands. Yes, this can be frustrating, but there are benefits too. A friend of mine describes herself and others with similar make-ups as “We just FEEL stuff, you know?” Down the road, this sets him up to be a caring and sensitive friend, partner and parent. It may also get you off the hook for some of the crazy risk-taking that usually goes with the teen years.

     But, what to do in the meantime? Here are a few books that the families I work with have found helpful: “Your Anxious Child” by John Dacey and Linda Fiore; “Helping Your Anxious Child: A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents” by Ronald Rapee; and “Freeing Your Child from Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child’s Fears, Worries and Phobias” by Tamar Chansky.

     It’s also absolutely a powerful and loving thing to let kids know when you’ve messed up. It’s ok to apologize for what you see as your mistakes, that you got frustrated and let your feelings get too big to deal with the situation the right way and let him know that you are going to work together to figure out a better way to handle those situations. It gives him a model to understand that feelings sometimes do get overwhelming for everyone, but there are things you can do to make them more manageable.

     You are a wonderful Mom, and I have all the confidence in the world that this stuff is just a blip on his radar. Things will get better.

170. Anonymous on July 7th, 2011 2:42 pm

     I’m not a parent, so I have no useful advice. But I want to commend your honesty about the difficulties of parenting and how hard it is to do the right thing for a kid you love so much. Far too many people never own up to the difficulties and they create this bullshit illusion of parenting that disservices everyone. Riley and Dylan will benefit in countless ways from having such a real, honest mom who doesn’t live life behind a facade of bullshit.

171. Joanna on July 7th, 2011 3:30 pm

     Sometimes we dislike in others what we dislike about ourselves. Maybe you struggle with Riley’s tentativeness because you struggle with that yourself (feeling like you don’t fit in at CrossFit, agonizing over adult swimming lessons, etc.). I always struggle over new experiences and I would hate to see that replicated in a child of mine because I know those (useless) feelings of fear and anxiety too well. Maybe you want him to be better than you are, which is what every parent should want.

172. Yaya on July 7th, 2011 3:37 pm

     Thank you so much for posting. Like others before me, no advice just “I hear ya.” My son is 4.5 and as everyone says “a sensitive child” or as I say “slow to warm and bull headed and a strong constitution.” It is SO hard for me to watch (embarrassed usually) as he doesn’t participate in swim lessons the first few days, sitting on the side (although he swims with me all the time), and he sits in my lap whimpering through his karate class as other kids his age have a blast. Too many other crazy situations to list, always with him being shy, upset, throwing a tantrum, inconsolable and everything else under the sun and me frustrated and wondering why my kid is ‘different.’ I am seeing slow changes this summer, we have continued with karate, I was determined to swallow my pride and have him sit in my lap the whole month but god dammit we were going! After a week, he is out there with the other kids and participating about 75% and having a blast. After a few days of ditting on the side of the pool as the sun blazed, he finally got in, glared at the teacher & pouted but then slowly and slowly he started to join in (it is still hilarious & sad to see 10 kids doing ring around the rosie in a circle while MY kid stands on the edge BUT he is in the water, yahoo! For me it was just realizing that all of the frustration and anger and embarrassment I am feeling is MINE to own, not the kiddos. Sometimes he makes me so mad or sad or disappointed (and I have been known to throw out “I am so not proud of you right now” which is awful) that I can feel myself grinding down my teeth but I am forcing myself to try and just roll with it as much as possible….reminding myself that this parenting gig was not advertised as a party all the time. I am also seeing small changes which are encouraging, the participation even at a low level and yesterday as we swam together the kiddo ducked his face in the water up to his eyebrows just randomly, when usually if someone asks him to put his face in the water he gives them a look that would kill a baby seal. So progress and patience….and giving yourself a big fat pat on the back for being an awesome parent, regardless of what you say or do a small percentage of the time. It is one tough gig.

173. Livi on July 7th, 2011 3:48 pm

     Hey, I have a kid like this too.

     Sometimes it really sucks.

     Some things – they get over. Others, it’s best to back off and try again in the future. But…sometimes you make a mistake on what the right thing to do is. I’ve done it. Every good parent has done it.

     Does he have other sensitivities? Someone above mentioned ASD – being overly sensitive, having problems with things not being routine – those can be part of ASD. If you have noticed other things…email me – I have a good doctor for testing.

174. Keaton on July 7th, 2011 3:54 pm

     Hopefully this will be a reassuring example for you, but when my brother was little, he would not so much as touch cheese, along with nearly every other food. However, cheese was special. It was so terrifying that we couldn’t order “cheese” pizzas – they had to be “regular” pizzas. Why? Because he would eat cheese just fine- but only if he didn’t know about it.
     On more than a few occasions, I, as the older brother, would attempt to ‘teach’ him that cheese was okay by telling him that his pizza had cheese on it. Why my parents allowed this to happen, I don’t know, but I suppose it has something to do with wanting to do the same thing. Anyway, each and every time, this caused a complete meltdown. He would scream, cry, and, one time, vomit. This continued until he was 6 or 7 years old, at which point he must have finally figured out that cheese had not yet killed him, despite years of eating it. Personally, I was sad he stopped freaking out whenever I said the word ‘cheese.’
     Ultimately, he overcame his quirk(s) as if it had never happened. Amazingly, during his senior year of high school, he had developed into a very talented chef, and he started a small catering company with his friends and made $2500 personally in a month of work. Beats the heck out of my movie theatre job at the time.
     I have another example of getting unfairly yelled at by my mother (I forgave her) over Beast in the X-Men cartoon, but this is probably good enough for now (I still use it to guilt her – watch out in the future). Regardless, I’m sure he’ll overcome his fears with time, especially if you’re there to worry this much about him :)

175. hayden on July 7th, 2011 3:58 pm

     I’m a pretty new parent–my kid is just 15 months old. So I don’t know much. And I totally get losing your patience with a kid. One thing I’m starting to suspect about being a good parent, though, is that there is a lot to be said for ignoring. Some things, they just have to work through on their own.

176. BoozleBox on July 7th, 2011 4:18 pm

     I have two boys, older than yours and experienced several situations like this and I wanted to say you are not the only one who has wanted them to feel bad about themselves because you have found their behaviour so frustrating. I have been there and without doubt those are the parenting moments I’m most ashamed of. If I’ve learned anything over the years it is that pushing is mostly counter-productive. And now I try and ask myself ‘Does this REALLY matter?’ before opening my mouth. Mostly the answer is no, it doesn’t really matter. There are times I look back on and for the life of me I can’t understand why I didn’t just let it go. What’s the point of forcing something that doesn’t really matter? Who cares if he doesn’t fancy the Slip ‘n’ Slide? It’s not worth making him feel bad over. I’m really not saying this to make you feel bad, i’m just saying I’ve been there, and given the opportunity to do it again I would just let it go. People are different. He might never enjoy the same things you and JB enjoy, then again he might – but he’ll get there in his own time.

     If however you think he really does have sensory issues then I guess you need to get professional advice on how to help him with situations he has trouble with.

     All the best- and thanks for such great, honest writing.

177. Holly on July 7th, 2011 4:44 pm

     oh, man. i WAS that kid. i had a childhood full of county fairs and amusement parks that were utterly wasted on me- merry go rounds, bumper cars that that was it. luckily, my dad was always a big wuss about such things, too, so i wasn’t alone. my mom and brother went on the roller coasters, and my dad and i got elephant ears and took pictures. i wouldn’t watch the “scary” scenes in movies (anything remotely suspenseful, the scene in star wars where the emperor was shooting that blue shit through luke made me run away and cry).

     my mom always used the word “sensitive” to describe me, but i never took it as a negative word. she would tell me it was ok to be sensitive and she also used that word when i was nice to another kid or took care of hurt animals. i never thought of myself as a scardycat or a baby until high school. my youth group would go to waterparks and i remember that first time i was coerced to going down a giant waterslide. it took a really cute boy and the need to impress him to get me to go down, but eventually i did.

     i don’t know, i guess it might have been different if i was a boy. like, it was ok to be a sensitive little girl and pick flowers in the outfield instead of catching the damn baseball. and maybe it’s ok for riley to be a sensitive little boy? i don’t know.

     for what it’s worth, i grew out of it. i now have a huge penchant for thrillers and slasher movies. i still don’t like thrill rides at fairs, but that’s just because they make me puke. in general, i love to try new things.
     and i really did enjoy my childhood, even though i mostly read books and did “tame” things, i don’t feel like i missed out or anything.

178. Brandi on July 7th, 2011 4:46 pm

     I didn’t read the other comments (cuz there were like a billion so i apologize if i repeat). Does him not doing stuff (aka swimming, slip n slide..whatever) seem to bother him? Is he on the sidelines and you can tell he REALLY wants to participate but just cant? Or, is it you wanting him to? If he choosing not to participate I don’t think you should make him. It just might be too much pressure and backfire. If he actually does want to participate ask him what he is worried about…even make a list maybe before you go, then tell him how/why that won’t/can’t happen. Don’t take it as him not trusting you (in the pool for example). Fears are fears, irrational or not. Some kids are just more in tuned to the truth that scary shit can happen…we often label them “sensitive.” Whatever it is, some kids just have that sense and like the boundaries they have set for themselves. My 5 yr old is a worrier, like me. Lots of “what ifs” but if his dad suggests something, he is all over it! Rollercoaster, no problem. Motorcycle, bring it on. But when he went to his kinder evaluation he was worried because he knew he could read 4 words but only did 2 and was in major panic. He is not usually nice to his younger brother and when he gets sent to his room sometimes i make him close the door…i know he hates to be upstairs alone…i’m making it worse…but DAMN get out of your brother’s face for the love of god! My 2 yr old loses his shit on a daily/hourly basis. He is in a panic, full tantrum mode as he is asking for juice because he doesn’t have any…he has absolutely ZERO patience. Wait a minute does not exist for him. I am not proud of either of some of the things I have said/screamed during these times…and I feel you.

179. Lolo on July 7th, 2011 5:24 pm

     I am a pediatric occupational therapist and I agree that OT might be of help. Often those sensory issues can manifest into anxiety and panic, especially in unknown situations – which can explain why it’s different from day to day. Sensory processing is very complex and can be very difficult for a young child to understand their own feelings, let alone be able to explain. You definitely don’t need an official diagnosis, just a prescription from a doctor noting the concerns. I’ve found that figuring out some of the sensory stuff from an OT perspective can help parents and families cope together as well. It’s tough for sure. Good luck!

180. shriek house on July 7th, 2011 5:27 pm

     You know, my oldest was a lot like how you’ve described Riley. *When she was his age.* I’d almost forgotten it, because now she is outgoing and adventurous and tries all kinds of crazy shit and begs for more. I remember being frustrated, that she wouldn’t just TRY things that were obviously FINE, or that she was being THAT kid at the party, or whatever. It made me insane. She still completely freaks out about a couple of things (like: cheese. whaaat?) but is not the nervous nellie of yesteryear at ALL. If that’s a comfort. And I think even if she was, maybe by now I’d be more relaxed with it. I hope.

     As far as the parenting part goes. Well, I just SLAMMED the door on my youngest in fury because it is day 3 of his ongoing temper tantrum about random whatever and he is just too old for this shit, YO. So I feel great about that, obviously. And I think you know I’ve been worrying about his behavioral issues for a while now and working on being a good model, so the way I handled myself in this particular scene is even more shameful.

     But: we have to give ourselves a pass sometimes. Parenting is hard and we need to make room for our own experience in the equation, not just our kids’. It’s important for our kids to know that, to see our flaws, so they don’t grow up expecting perfection of themselves. Also we’d die of guilt otherwise.

     Thank you, again, for your honesty here. It’s brutal and brave and something for me to strive for.

181. Jenna on July 7th, 2011 5:52 pm

     (Preface – I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I’m going to sound like a dick…)

     He’s being a kid. Let him be a kid. Let him explore his feelings and emotions. Instead of anger, comfort him. He obviously needs you to stand by him & have his back. Just do it, who cares how it makes YOU look, care about how HE feels. Riley was scared shitless of the water and you’re going to force it on him? Don’t throw a pity party for yourself. You need to get over his fears before he does. Why don’t you take him somewhere that he likes or do something he enjoys?

     Enjoy the fact that he still needs your support.

182. Jennifer on July 7th, 2011 6:01 pm

     Welp, we have one child who is an anxious and noise sensitive kid (our 5 year old) and one child who is certified sensory integration disordered (she’s a 2 year old and we’ve done some OT twice and really I think exposure and time is what is helping her the most at this young age). So yeaaaaah, with you. And it’s tough. But I think we have an easier time of not caring so much about what others think because they are girls, and that annoying societal impression that girls = weaker comes in handy for high tolerance of emotional freakouts and sensitivities. So, uh, thanks for being assholes, world. Score one for lower pressure on us!

     In terms of practical help, The Out of Sync Child Has Fun is a handy guidebook for activities to help integrate that sensory stuff. It’s not “This is what is wrong with your kid.” It’s “Hey, wanna get your kid who recoils from eating anything wet to actually eat a bite of applesauce? Try this!” It’s OT Lite, at home. It’s fun. Other siblings can do it too. Very nicely organized by which kind of sensory input is troublesome. Not torture at all. Great place to start if you want to help him along the sensory stuff without a diagnosis or the outrageous cost of therapy. We’ve had more success with it than we did at the OT place. The OT wasn’t a bad experience at all, but when you have a very alert child (and this was a 1 year old!) who knew “Crap, we’re here again. The place where they push me out of my comfort zone.” Not a lot of constructive stuff gets done.

     Anyway long-winded comment to say keep going. Reflect, don’t dwell. You’re a Great Mom™, and part of that is knowing when you screw up and knowing how to apologize and try harder. And try that activity guide, if you haven’t.

     I’ve not found anything super handy with my anxious older child. But we’ve been talking everything through, and that helps her. Googling to prove that sharks don’t really jump out of the ocean to eat airplanes (THANKS little chump kid who brought Shark Vs Octopus dvd case to preschool show and tell. I’m going to call your mom at 3am every day for 2 weeks and let her hear the hysterical sobbing of my kid!). We seriously have to google, like, diagrams that show length of the longest shark and diagrams of the average passenger jet so she can see that the scale is off, it is untrue, maybe she can fall asleep tonight after all. We google the hell out of everything remotely eyebrow raising to her as a preventative measure.

183. Jill on July 7th, 2011 6:32 pm

     I have a kid with similar issues, and the best thing I can tell you is give it time. Eventually, like his other sensory issues, it gets better. And it helps a lot if you set him up to succeed in situations, and then praise the hell out of him. Does he get his face wet in the shower? Good for him. Did he try a new food? Great.

     There were times when I was embarrassed because I had the kid who always held back, and often cried. When I realized that my embarrassment was my problem, and was then adding to his problem, I backed off. No amount of forcing him to experience something was going to make him like it- and it was going to make him distrust me… the one whom he should always be able to trust.

     As he got older I did talk to him about the things he was afraid of- I found an article that said that it is virtually impossible for an elevator to fall down the shaft because it is held up by so many cables. Once they are old enough to reason, it helps.

     I also think a kid who sticks to his guns is a good thing. If you can’t talk him into doing something he doesn’t want to do, maybe the drug dealer won’t be able to either.

184. Rachael@RachaelLay on July 7th, 2011 6:42 pm

     I feel for you right now. When we believe we have crushed and belittled our children it feels like hell but I can promise you this will be such a minor blip on Riley’s radar and I’d be surprised if it ever comes to light again. As long as you are willing to let it go.

     My advice re: Riley. Let him be. Yes he’s cautious and frightened of things we think are silly but he is who he is. If you can ignore his reactions (other than a kind assurance he is safe) and not push, pull, threaten and beg him to engage in something he will learn to trust that you have his back and will never make him do something that doesn’t feel safe. That is the trust you want. And who cares what other people think about Riley not wanting to do something. It’s more important what Riley thinks about you and that he knows you will support and love him whatever kind of person he is.

     Without any pressure or fuss you might just find that he comes forward of his own accord because you have made it safe to do so. The more you make a big deal of it, the more he thinks the whole things a big deal, and therefore must be as scary as he thinks.

     Please don’t beat yourself up anymore. We make mistakes. Like Riley, you are human and are loved unconditionally for who you are. Go easy on yourself. And your gorgeous boy.

185. Mykee on July 7th, 2011 6:47 pm

     Sounds just like my kid as well. Just a few minutes ago, I told him that he cries more than his little sister and baby brother combined. He’s very sensitive and cautious and he makes so much noise about it. It bugs the living hell out of me.

     No advice from me as I’m still trying to figure out what to do, and trying so hard to control my temper when I see him acting like that. Most of the time, I am embarrassed to see him so nervous all the time especially when surrounded by other 5 year olds who seem perfectly “normal”.

     But I am very thankful for you posting this message and letting me know I am not alone.

186. Clueless But Hopeful Mama on July 7th, 2011 7:17 pm

     Oh I’m just aching with empathy for you both. I have been that kid- picky, overreacting, fearful. I have been that mom- exasperated with my picky, overreacting, fearful kid.

     I wish there was an easy way to get us all past our crappy behavior.

     Thank you for your honesty and bravery in posting this.

187. Lisa on July 7th, 2011 7:17 pm

     Please don’t push him.

     We had similar battles with my now 13-yr. when he was younger. It will get better. Oh, there will be a few new worries and issues, but when he’s a little older you’ll look back and realize just how little he was and that his reaction to certain fears were not all that unreasaonable (and you’ll remember how you reacted and feel even more mortified than you do today, LOL, I know I do!). You’ll learn how to parent a cautious child and stop wishing he was someone he is not. And when he’s a teenager you’ll be grateful for that cautious personality. I know I am. :)

     I remember a similar experience taking him to a Vehicle Fair- big trucks and police cars and tractors- all the stuff he loved at four years old. But just one pull on the horn of a semi-truck across the parking lot and it sent him over the edge screaming and wanting to go home. I was LIVID and said some of the same things you did while he was in full-on hysterics. Thankfully he doesn’t remember it. ;)
     I distinctly remember looking around at all the other kids climbing and jumping off all of the vehicles and wondering why my kid just couldn’t be like that. Does it matter now? Obviously, no.

     Now I look back at that time, and realize he was just a little boy trying to make sense of things that were new to him and his cautious personality. To this day he still does not like loud sirens. Just this week at the 4th of July parade I watched him subtly cover his ears when he saw the big trucks coming up the street. It does get better! At five years old he was TERRIFIED of water. Tomorrow he is going to the waterpark for the umpteenth time and can’t stop talking about the big slides and rides he is going to go on. But I’m grateful for his cautious side because I know I can trust him to behave and follow the rules and not get in trouble. It does get better! But it won’t get better any quicker if you push Riley.

     All of Riley’s fears may not go away completely, but you’ll all learn to handle them and realize it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. He’ll turn out O.K. He’s just a little boy now.

188. Jeanne on July 7th, 2011 7:28 pm

     As always, yes to all of it Linda. I’ve been there and done all of that and felt shitty about all of it too.

     For the record, I don’t think there is anything to diagnose about my son, and suspect that this too is something much more widespread that does just — get better… and then you forget how Goddamned Awful it was and never mention it again and the next generation of parents thinks their kids are weird freak-shows too.

     Hopefully, we will one day be much-hated by our son’s wives as we ask her why she doesn’t just teach our grandsons how to swim so they’ll stop being scared all the time.

     God it will feel good to be old bitches who know EVERYTHING.

189. Keri on July 7th, 2011 7:32 pm

     Three things:

     1)Thank you for posting this.
     2) What a wonderful thing to have all these people give such thoughtful advice and sories of their own.
     3) I’m grateful that, through your blog, I in turn receive the same thoughtful advice and stories to read.

190. Lisa on July 7th, 2011 8:42 pm

     Wow, a tough one. What can you do to protect his individual, sensitive self AND help him learn to live in a rough world…. I have no idea what I would do here, I don’t have children.. and I also never comment (sorry) but I just have to express my gratitude for your continually honest words about parenthood. It is, unfortunately, a brave thing for a mother to do in this Internet Culture of Judgement. I don’t know whether I am going to have children or not but I really appreciate reading about your experience with them. I’ve learned a lot from reading your blog (and also laughed my ass off) and I think you are raising some damn fine sons.

191. Tess on July 7th, 2011 9:44 pm

     Another title to check out is _When the Labels Don’t Fit: A New Approach to Raising a Challenging Child_ by Barbara Probst. I especially liked her temperament questionnaire. It’s intended to help you identify traits in yourself, your spouse & your child so you can work together better. Reading it helped me get on the same page with my husband when dealing with our challenging preschooler. And I’m seeing a lot of improvement with Occupational Therapy (Rx’d by our Pediatrician for sensory & motor issues) because it helps ME cope by offering fresh ideas & a new perspective. I believe the increase in diagnoses of developmental disorders is related to getting access to Early Intervention- you need a diagnosis on paper to get into programs, get insurance coverage for specialists. I’ve tried to stop worrying about labels when consulting these Developmental Specialists and accepted the services they’re offering. It is hard to keep seeing the positives when the meltdowns are the only thing you replay a thousand times in your head. My goal is to find the “win” in every day to help me calm down.

192. Denice on July 7th, 2011 10:21 pm

     My 4-year-old daughter is EXACTLY like that. Exactly, exactly, exactly. They’re not just small things that she can brush off like other kids, they are BIG HUGE DEALS and nothing you can say or do will talk her out of them. I finally read a book called “The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder” and it’s really helped. Also, I took her to a Naturopath who helped TREMENDOUSLY: and let me tell you, 2 years ago I would have told you that naturopaths were total quacks out to take your money. Now, I think they are miracle workers. My daughter hasn’t had a fit in 6 months.

193. Yaya on July 8th, 2011 1:03 am

     I just want to ditto Keri above, I know this blog is written by you & for you but man if I am not reaping the HUGE benefits of your blog and especially this thread. I am so engrossed in all of these comments, they are amazing, make me feel normal & always have given me SO much food for thought for my own kiddo. Sometimes it just takes someone else to say something that your tired frazzled frustrated mom brain hasn’t grasped yet (like the week my child was being a complete intolerable monster & I casually mentioned it to his preschool teacher & she said “isn’t dad on a long business trip this week? He might be feeling some emotions over that & not able to communicate them so it is coming out in tantrums….”) ummm yeah…thanks, you are so right! All the posts here about the social situations and energy & new faces & places & expectations have a HUGE effect on my son and I always forget that until after I am a frustrated mess. reading all of these comments is like being able to take a deep breath & letting my shoulders relax…

     Thank you so much for your blog, it helps me in my parenting on a daily basis more than you might realize.

194. Sarah Miller on July 8th, 2011 6:55 am

     Thank you for this post. At work I see kids and parents a lot, and they’re not always pretty. I try to remind myself that I know NOTHING about these people. I don’t know what’s come before — whether in the last 24 hours or the last 4 years. I don’t have a clue what they’re like when nobody’s watching, or whether I’m seeing them at their best or their worst.

     I see these people for maybe 20 minutes of their lives, but every time I witness a fraught interaction I have to fight with myself to keep from making all kinds of assumptions based on those 20 minutes. Sometimes I know I’m just reciting the script so I can pretend I’m not judgmental. Meanwhile, on the inside I’m hollering, “Why don’t you just [insert magical unsolicited solution here]?!”

     This post, I hope, will be a vivid reminder that my jackass radar is far from flawless. Despite what my radar would have indicated if I’d seen the knee-skinning moment in isolation, you are not a jackass. In fact I can’t think of a mom I enjoy observing more than you. The very fact that you’ve got the moxy to post stuff like this is the #1 reason I keep reading.

     And let’s be honest — I’m worried about how I look in these situations, too. I don’t want to be reading my favorite blog and recognize myself as THAT woman who was giving you an eye-scolding over the top of her glasses.

195. Marie Green on July 8th, 2011 7:23 am

     I wish I had seen this yesterday, because now (though I’ve tried!) I can’t get through all the other comments.

     I have what I DO call an anxious child, and she is by far my most challenging to raise. I think something to remember about experiencing anxiety is that it is a very “out-of-control” feeling, so anything you can do to make him feel more IN control will help, while trying to talk him into things or force him makes him feel LESS in control.

     I’ve totally done and said everything you’ve described, so I’m not above you AT ALL in this, I’ve just had a few more years of dealing with it, just fyi. One thing that works is, say, in the slip-and-slide situation, being 100% excepting of him not trying it, saying to well-meaning family “Riley’s not a fan of slip-n-slides”. Not only does that take the pressure off of him, but it also is a bit of reverse psychology. Often my daughter will hear me say that and think WHO SAYS I’m not a fan?? WHO? And then, on her own terms, she’ll try it.

     We push only the things we MUST– like when she decided she was anxious about going to school. We knew letting her stay home even just once would make her fight harder to stay home every day after that, so we forced her to go. NOT FUN. But everything else we’ve (MOSTLY, we still slip up often) to just let it go.

196. Jessica on July 8th, 2011 8:59 am

     Same deal with our horribly speech-delayed 3-year-old son. It’s easy to get mad or embarrassed about his “lack of discipline.” Easy to forget he doesn’t understand what the fuck we’re saying 98 percent of the time.

     Things got easier when we went to a developmental pediatrician and had scary problems ruled out.

     Things got even better when we scraped up the money and time for sensory/speech/occupational therapists. As wonderful as the work they’re doing with him is, what’s almost better is that they are a sounding board for advice on what to do in situations like these.

     Poor little guy. It’s not a character defect on his part.

197. Farrell on July 8th, 2011 9:51 am

     I didn’t read all of the comments but skimmed through the first portion of them. I understand you feel bad and we’ve all felt bad about yelling at our kids or whatever; it’s okay; we’re all human; we all try to do it better next time.

     I understand your frustration because I have a dramatic, sensitive, cautious child who is pathologically picky with food and on a different note, she literally would NOT go down the slide at the park – the itty bitty baby slide – until like age 4. She’s 6 1/2 now and still won’t go down the big slide. But you know what? So what? What I also know about her is that she is stubborn as hell and if she has her mind set, there ain’t no convincing. I have seen her grow these past few years and get more “adventurous” (for her) and I am happy – but again it has to be in her own time, on her own terms. She’s been that way since birth. *I* was that way when I was young and would spend all day in a pool but wouldn’t touch my toe in a dirty, filthy lake. Also, my daughter will howl like a wolf for a scraped knee and then want to be carried for the next two hours and then will limp for the next three hours. Dramatic? Yes. Annoying? Yes. Her own ingrained personality? Yes.

     Lastly, I am very sensitive. I used to cry at Little House on the Prairie, at ER, at movies, etc. and my mom is NOT emotional. And she used to “yell” at me for it and tell me to “knock it off.” But she’s just different from me. I would also laugh out loud in a room by myself if I was reading or watching something funny, and she thought that was weird too.

     So my point is, I think the best bet is for gentle encouragement and if he’s too anxious to do what others are doing, perhaps he can do a different activity – like reading on the beach instead or swimming or whatever works.

     Just let him be him and praise him for the things you love about him. (I know you do that anyway).

     PS – my daughter doesn’t like the slip n’ slide either.

198. Amanda Blair on July 8th, 2011 9:59 am

     I can totally understand what Riley is going through…I was this kid. I used to be terrified of the water over flowing in the bathtub. I’m talking mind numbing anxiety and would flip my shit, if my mom didn’t keep track of it. I had many melt downs over it, haha. The thing that I remember most is my Mom never made a big deal about it, so I was never self conscious about it. I love to laugh about it now. Obviously, that was happening in my home and not out in the world so maybe that’s why she was so blaze about it. I will say that when I was with my Dad and would be too terrified to try something, the yelling, the belittling still effects me to this day. I’m not saying that to make you feel bad because you’re doing the best you can and his freak outs sound really annoying. But being supportive is really the most important thing. If he wants to sit out on the side lines, you gotta let him do it. Remember he is own person and he’s an anxious kid so he needs to do it on his own time. That’s okay. The more you support his decisions and his timing, the more comfortable he will be. From one anxious kid to another :)

199. Nic Dempsey on July 8th, 2011 10:22 am

     I used to look after a kid like yours and although I think it’s different for parents. I found that it helped to explain my thoughts and behaviour in those situations.
     ‘I would never let anything hurt you and it upsets me that you don’t trust me to keep you safe’.
     ‘I’m sorry I got mad but it’s frustrating to us when you freak like that because…’
     It sounds weird but explaining your feelings can help them reason it out and explain theirs to you.

     Finally, children need to come to an understanding that grown up are human beings with feelings and emotions too. So provided that when you have messed up, you apologise, explain and they see you try to change that behaviour, you’re fine. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

200. Anna on July 8th, 2011 11:14 am

     Thank you for thist post and for your honesty. Juss, thank you.

     This is my kid and I/we waffle between being really understanding/easy-going and being total assholes telling her to suck it up (which, I’m sure really helps her process things. Gah!)

     The most recent incident I can think of, where I felt totally horrible afterwards, was at my husband’s grandmother’s house. She (the grandmother) was watching my husband’s uncle’s dog and my 4yo just lost her shit when she walked in a saw him. Lost it. She was sobbing and crying and jumping on us and shrieking and I basically, in a mean, growly voice, told her to suck it up, I made her stand on the floor and I just had no. patience. for it because we have the exact same breed of dog at home and at home she hardly notices our dog. It just made no sense to me and I was angry at her for being so dramatic and gutless and I said things I shouldn’t have. But then, this is the kid that used to shriek everytime she was put near the water and today, she put her head under water for 10 seconds at swim lessons and it was amazing! About swimming… she used to have a really hard time (to the point where I stopped bothering to sign her up for lessons for about a year and a half) and then this summer I decided to sign her up for the every day week long session (as opposed to the once a week for 8 weeks session during the school year) and I found that going every day helped so much. I feel like with the once a week lessons, she would get semi-comfortable in the last two minutes of class and then wait a whole week to go back and she’d start at square one again. Going every day gave helped because she didn’t have time to work herself up and get anxious again and it was easy for her to remember how much fun she’d had the day before.

     Again, thank you. This post is so refreshing in, like a previous commenter said, that awkward way that lets us know that we’re not alone.

201. Monica on July 8th, 2011 11:47 am

     I can totally relate to this post. My oldest son is about Riley’s age and my husband is really hard on him about certain things. This week we went for a run with him riding his bike and the entire time it was just miserable for him. He’s upset that my son is still on training wheels and that he can’t even get up a small incline on the road. Yes, it’s frustrating but I feel that when he’s ready, he’ll be ready. It’s disappointing that he could only run 1/4 mile and ride his bike for only 2 (if that!). I was thinking that maybe we were asking too much from him, but I just can’t buy into it. We quit playing team sports because he cried a lot during the practices and the games. He only started playing the last game of the season and he’d cry when someone would take the ball from him. It’s embarrassing when your kid isn’t the star player, not even an avid player! He falls and screams crying all the time. My daughter (who is only 3) could hurt herself the exact same way and it wouldn’t even phase her. It’s so frustrating and my husband doesn’t handle his tears very well. He’s our sensitive child and I have to remind myself that when he’s crying and when he’s being such a 6-year-old baby. I want to be the mother to always encourage and never belittle. I want to be the mother that oozes patience in the grocery store when they have a meltdown. But mostly, I want to show him unconditional love. I go with the “when he’s ready, he’ll be ready” stance. I don’t push too much. And this year, he wants to play soccer again! So a 2 year break worked in our favor! Hopefully….we’ll see once the season starts.

202. Rhonda on July 8th, 2011 12:39 pm

     Parent of three; 2 boys, 1 girl in that order; all 18 months apart. I would classify Middle Son (MS) as close to your Riley in temperament.

     Personal experience: Our family celebrated daughter’s birthday with annual visit to Santa Cruz, CA for day at the beach and fun on the Boardwalk. Daughter’s 3rd birthday at the beach was going well in all respects.

     Father had gone ahead to Boardwalk with both boys (Oldest son (OS), 6; MS 4 1/2) about 10 minutes before me. I was wheeling daughter in stroller with my mother alongside, when I heard blood-curdling screams that I recognized were coming from MS. I quickened my pace by leaving my mother in charge of stroller w/daughter.

     I followed the screams and arrived to find father trying to force MS to get on one of the rides. OS was already on the ride, sailing through the air, laughing, and having a great time. MS was standing at the railing near the waiting line. His hands had a death-grip on the rail and he was screaming and filled with fear. His father was leaning over him telling him to stop screaming and get in line. Clearly, MS did not want to get in line.

     When I approached the scene, I asked father what was going on and his version included all I had seen and the fact that because MS would not get on the ride, he had to miss the ride, too. I was also told that there was ‘no reason’ for MS to be scared.

     I relieved father so he could get in line for the ride. By now, OS had finished first ride and was ready to go again. He was busy telling MS it was a great ride and asking him to go with him. MS refused to budge, though his screaming had subsided to quiet sobs.

     I suggested we sit on a nearby bench and watch OS and father while they took their turns on the ride. MS quieted down in a few minutes and I asked what it was about the ride that scared him. He said he didn’t know, but he just wanted to watch the ride first before deciding if he wanted to do it.
     So I suggested we do just that and then, if he wanted to ride that I would go with him.

     We did just that for the next hour and for the next two annual trips to Santa Cruz’s Boardwalk. MS decided on the third trip that he would ride one ride. He did and enjoyed himself; not as much as OS and father, but in his own way he enjoyed his chosen ride.

     That occurred 32 years ago and MS is still cautionary in most of his life. He has definite likes and dislikes; he looks longer than most before he leaps; he is not a risk-taker to the degree that OS is and he is fine with it.

     I tell you all of this because from my perspective what I read in your post had more to do with you and JB than it did with Riley. Riley knows what he wants to do and what he doesn’t want to do; Riley knows what you and JB want him to do and don’t want him to do. They don’t always match up.

     In the bigger scheme of things, would it have really mattered if Riley just watched the slip and slide activities of others; if Riley had not gone for a swim with JB; if Riley cried because he fell down and it hurt?

     We all express our individuality in ways different from others. My MS distinguishes his individuality differently than others and I am glad for it.

     Respecting the differences of others is an admirable quality. Permitting everyone in and around our own orbit to feel safe and secure in their orbit is what gives us license to feel the same safety and security and freedom of choice we have all been granted but is so often readily snatched away by others with more power and control.

     My MS has two children, 5 and 3, and I get to see him interact with them and deal with their differences on a regular basis. It is a joy to watch him respect their abilities to have an inner knowing of what they are ready to do and what they are only ready to watch.

     Again, I respect your honest postings about life on life’s terms in your household. It takes courage to post the moments in our lives as parents when we don’t match up with the ‘ideal’ that has been constructed by external sources in our society. I so appreciate that you not only post your truthful perspectives, but you ask for feedback, suggestions, and honest-to-God HELP. Bless you and your family.

     My only other comment on this post is to suggest you and JB watch the movie “Parenthood.” This topic, and many others that are more often than not part of the daily living we do when we are parents, is acted out with the same level of honesty about how flawed we feel as parents; how ill-equipped we think we are when we are ‘flying by the seat of our pants’ most of the time; how bewildering it can become when we are flawed and ill-equipped and still have been blessed (?) to be the caretakers of our children that are the wonders of our lives.

203. HollowSquirrel on July 8th, 2011 3:56 pm

     Thanks for posting — I’ve been at the bottom of the shame spiral from losing my own shit with our 5.5 year old (on vacation, as well). Love reading the comments, too. I haven’t been by in a long time, but this post reminded me why I need to come back and read more. Take care & SERENITY NOW!

204. Kate on July 8th, 2011 7:48 pm

     My son is also a bit sensitive and takes a lot of time to warm up to new things. Most of the time he just needs me to back off and give him the space to get comfortable with things in his own time- I’ve noticed that he warms about in about the same amount of time if I do nothing as he does if I waste energy cajoling and encouraging. Mostly I’ve realized I just need to put aside my issues about how I want him to be and just accept that this is the way he is- and try to remember that just because it isn’t my style doesn’t mean that it needs to be changed.

     However, it can sure be frustrating! But lots of discussion about new places and experiences and what to expect ahead of time has helped a lot, too. And also telling him if he tries something and doesn’t like it, he can stop as soon as he wants- and that is his choice 100% – but he should try it. (I always praise the trying a lot, regardless of outcome).

     However, if you have any suggestions about how to get him to wear either jeans or any article of clothing with a button on it, please- I’m all ears!!!!

205. Jen on July 8th, 2011 8:25 pm

     We are dealing with similar behavior with Maggie (she’s 4) and you know what’s funny? I think because she’s a girl, it’s more… accepted?? Like, it should be OKAY that she’s afraid of the slip and slide? (OMG THAT JUST HAPPENED TO US LAST WEEK.) And it’s OKAY that she flips the eff out at a paper cut? But to me, it’s NOT okay. It’s so incredibly frustrating and embarrassing and I have BEEN THERE with the language and the yelling at my crying kid because for the LOVE OF GOD, RELAAAXXXXX.

     I’m just trying to encourage her to try new things and help her to not be so afraid, you know? She has started gymnastics recently and I think that’s been helping- someone ELSE is there to help her do new stuff and it’s giving her a little more confidence, I think.

     So. Yeah. No advice for you, unfortunately. Just commiseration. And, from what I’ve gathered from talking with other moms, all kids go through these phases. SIGH. Hang in there!

206. Penny on July 8th, 2011 8:35 pm

     When he asks why you are mad at him, tell him. He really is confused, he doesn’t know that his behavior reflects on the whole family. And it does. Tell him that when he refuses to play at playtime or swim with his parents or get up and let his parents see about his knee without him screaming bloodly murder that it makes you mad because all of those things were things he could have made better choices in. Sounds harsh but child-rearing isn’t a piece of cake. He wants to know, so why not tell him?

207. Kellie on July 9th, 2011 5:33 pm

     Been there. You have to first get to the point where you and JB couldn’t give two shits what anyone thinks about Riley in these situations. Then you will be able to help him through them.

     Having been there, I would just recommend a developmental ped. Couldn’t hurt and you will find out if he’s just sensitive or maybe something else. No big deal.

208. liz on July 10th, 2011 10:30 am

     My memories of childhood always include an apology from my mom after she yelled at or was sharp with us, and an explanation of why she yelled. Generally it was because she had been frustrated about other things….and no, she did not apologize for yelling when we deserved it. ;) I learned to apologize for poor behavior that way, and mean it. It has stood me in good stead as an adult. If you feel like you were out of line, apologize to your kids. And I SO get where you were coming from…I go there with my dog and feel terrible afterwards, I can only imagine how much worse I’d feel if it were with kids. You are human. Don’t beat yourself up for every misstep.

209. bj on July 10th, 2011 3:44 pm

     I have no advice, but I wanted to say I’ve “laid into” my child to. I once told my 8 year old to stop acting like such a child.

     Everyone, including the eight year old, just looked at me. It took a while to dawn on me that I *was* talking to a child.

     I felt bad, but it still hasn’t kept me from loosing it when my kid messes up.

210. Janet on July 10th, 2011 7:34 pm

     As someone who works with kiddos of all ages with anxiety, sensory sensitivities and difficulties with emotional regulation, I would recommend speaking to your pediatrician to see if you can get an OT referral. It really can help, the kids think it’s fun to go and it would give you someone to talk to who can provide support and more importantly, actual strategies you can do in your day to day life.

     Good luck!

211. Holly on July 10th, 2011 8:00 pm

     Dude, you are way too hard on yourself and he’s too young to start flogging yourself for a little flip-out moment. He’s got a lifetime of things he’ll do that will piss you off – you’ll flip out on him a few more times, trust me. Sometimes it might even be good for him. In the meantime, don’t worry so much. I know fo’ sho’ my kid brings out the best and worst in me…you gotta forgive them, and yourself, and move on. Life isn’t about being perfect and sheltering them from the human parts of mom and dad – but teaching them how to move through the crappy moments onto the the better stuff.

212. wwbd on July 10th, 2011 9:24 pm

     Been there. Done that. It sucks.

213. Blog Pushing « Sweaty Sneakers on July 11th, 2011 9:56 am

     [...] Mishandled by Sundry [...]

214. Jessica on July 11th, 2011 7:32 pm

     I don’t know if anyone else mentioned this, but I wonder if the expectation for him to not act like a baby is higher because he’s a boy?

     Don’t have any real advice, but this video made me think a bit more about how I interact with my nieces and nephews…

     http://blog.ted.com/2010/12/09/a-call-to-men-tony-porter-on-ted-com/

215. Kate on July 11th, 2011 7:45 pm

     My dtr is going to be 6 on 7/17. She does the same thing. She can get hit in the face with a ball at T-Ball and be fine but completely flip over the stupidest stuff. I am guilty too but I just have had enough with all of the crying! I don’t know what to do..

216. Lisa on July 11th, 2011 8:19 pm

     My oldest is very sensitive like that. We monitor him tightly and when he’s not able to be flexible, we try (if we can) to avoid things we think might set him off. We try (if we can) to remove him from situations where he is losing control of himself so he can retain control of himself. But on days that he does have good self control, we try to ask a lot of him.

     I say this as a teacher with more than a decade’s experience and a parent. Sensitive kids respond to adult feedback. The more energy you put into the system, the more energetic their response will be. If they’ve lost it and you yell, raise your voice, or in anyway add to it, it becomes that much harder for them to regain control. However, if your response is quiet and cool, it makes it easier for them to regain control.

     My best tools for managing my sensitive one when he is struggling to manage himself: a very quiet, calm voice, tight hugs, and adjusting my expectations/plans on the fly when I can. I also remind myself (a lot) that it isn’t that he won’t do it, he CAN”T do that today. That helps.

217. Shanna on July 13th, 2011 9:44 am

     Ugh, I feel your pain. We have a very stubbord 5yo boy. I waffle between thinking his behavior is typical 5yo grasping for control and over the top/ridiculous. My husband and I routinely lose our cool with him. It is like all these years of meltdowns has permanantly altered our breaking point so now we go from 0 to “knock it the eff off” in the blink of an eye. I actually just had a horrible, guilt ridden night over how I treat my kid. When I look at it objectively, I know that his behavior is not that bad and that he is a really great kid; but man he can push my buttons like no one else. Try not to beat yourself up over it, kids are hard, we make mistakes, you’re trying.

218. Fidi on July 13th, 2011 4:52 pm

     Oh god, I say exactly the same things / do exactly the same to my almost 6 year old, who is also frightend of everything. You are definitively not alone. Btw, my kid usually replies with “You are not my friend!” in such situations.

219. Deb on July 13th, 2011 5:49 pm

     i know I am late to the discussion, but just a quick note to let you know that it all sounds perfectly normal for a cautious kid. My son is the SAME way and I will tell you that this year (he is going into first grade), has been SO SO much better than the last few. There are so many things that I thought he would never do and now he does them, no problem. Climbing, swimming, diving boards, monkey bars, etc. I think he doesn’t want to do anything until he can do it well.

     That being said, he did have a huge breakdown yesterday because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t slide all teh way down the slip n slide (looking at your picture, I now realize it was probably due to the flat surface!)

     My husband is the one who often tries to belittle to no avail, but sometimes he does actually wear him down. I don’t think it the best approach and I balance it with it is ok, you are just more sensitive (case in point, he hates water in his eyes and always wears goggles swimming and one of those visors in the bath, but my husband hates it and always tell him how he never used them/didn’t need them. My son has been trying so very hard to prove that he doesn’t ALWAYS need them. i think it is sad that he is trying so hard and think it is absolutely fine for him to always protect his eyes if that makes him feel better and able to swim/put his head under the water. Really, you are embarrassed that he wears goggles, I tell my husband. That is ridiculous and you do not know how he feels when he gets water in his eyes – some sympathy would go a LONG way).

220. lonek8 on July 13th, 2011 7:32 pm

     this post is just devastating to me because I am in the exact situation with my son. he freaks out over the stupidest things, ALL THE TIME, things like the bath water being too hot when both of his sisters are sitting in it perfectly fine. And i just can’t handle it. i try so hard to stay calm and patient, and work with him to calm himself down, but sometimes I can’t manage it and I yell and scream and threaten and find myself trying to make him feel bad about himself – like shame will change his behavior. It is absolutely horrible and I feel like the worst mother – my greatest fear is that every time I fail to keep it together I am further destroying any relationship i might have with him. Is he only going to remember me as mean rather than for love and support? Crushing failure as a parent.

     thank you so much for posting this, and please, please share any new changes you find that help!

221. Christine on July 13th, 2011 8:13 pm

     I usually never comment, but omg, this brings back memories.. My son, who is now 16, was the most sensitive kid ever. I remember going to a birthday party at Mcdonalds when he was 3 and all the other kids were playing on the slides and climbing, frolicking, having fun. And he just sat there, content to watch but not to participate. I realize now, it was MY problem, but I felt embarrased for myself and him that he just didn’t want to have fun. No matter how hard I pushed him to just “try”, he would cry and carry on. I, too, lost my shit that day and many days at the frustration. I just wanted him to be normal. Even now, he’s not a risk taker. All his friends are psyched about getting their liscenses, not him, he could really care less/ There are still times, I feel sorry for him, feel he’s missing out on so much, but it’s my problem, not his.

222. Barnmaven on July 15th, 2011 2:22 pm

     If you haven’t already had him evaluated for a sensory processing issue, I would recommend it.

223. Kelly on July 15th, 2011 7:19 pm

     Thanks for posting these sort of entries. Preparing to become a Mom for the first time, I find it so helpful to get so many perspectives on how to deal with the parenting situations I wonder about. Over the years I’ve learned a lot from you, your boys and the commenters. :)

224. K on July 17th, 2011 6:15 am

     I have no advice. I’ve felt the same way you do many times with both my boys. I get mad hoping it will make them act they way I want them to and then feel horrible after. I always try to apologize to them when I’ve lost my cool. But, I’ll admit, apologizing is a huge blow to my pride.

     My brother was somewhat like this and I can honestly tell you that even though it was frustrating for my parents he grew up to be a responsible, well-functioning adult with an incredibly kind and sensitive heart. He is an awesome husband and volunteered his time in college working with special needs kids.

225. Marilyn on July 26th, 2011 6:24 am

     OMG, funny stuff. How many times have my husband and I found ourselves in those situtations in the past? Our children are older now (sometimes too old, sometimes not old enough (12 & 11 their twins boy and girl, no really) but I find myself saying things to my 12 yo son like “You need to grow some and stop acting like a baby”. After I say it I think ” Who says that to their kid?”

226. jessi on July 29th, 2011 6:55 pm

     I hear ya. <3

227. @Adelas on July 30th, 2011 2:30 pm

     Sometimes I suck too. I think more often than I get it right. But my kids do know that I love them. I’m pretty sure yours do too.

Leave a Reply