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110 Responses to “Three great mysteries of male behavior”
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The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green
I almost didn't want to read this because I knew it was going to be weepy. So, so, so, so glad I did. It broke my heart and packed it full.
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Same mysterious occurrences are experienced in my house, nearly 2700 miles away. Coincidence? I think not.
Why is my husband at your house?!
I’m not even lying when I say those three pictures enraged me. I MEAN C’MON!
YES!!!! Exactly. Thank you! A thousand times YEEEESSSS!
You forgot the dirty clothes on the floor right in front of the laundry chute/hamper. Jackasses.
It’s reversed at my house. My wife does ALL of these things pictured above.
My daughter is the one that leaves shoes everywhere.
The other two pictures – all three kids. Along with getting laundry *close* to the hamper. And not flushing, evar.
oooooh…what about the pile next to the hamper? Yours has to do that too?!?
But where are the beer bottles sitting next to the sink? You must have the elusive recycling fairy at your house.
HAAA! I’m sending this one to my mom. My stepdad does all three of these. The question of “why not the dishwasher” keeps her up at night. With rage.
Nope. Sorry, you are NOT EVEN CLOSE. (Me: three brothers, a father, a husband and two sons. Bitch, PUH-LEEZE.)
Leave ONE Oreo (M&M, chip, fill-in-name-of-snack, piece of bread) in the package, and the excuse is ‘they didn’t use it up.’ In the bathroom: two towels, same number of towel racks. Number of towels on the floor? Take a wild guess. My husband let that tp sit there like that for 1 1/2 weeks, I just wanted to see how long it would take until I did it myself.
This is why my pets are females. And I taught them (the boys, not the pets) to do laundry themselves when they were in about 6th grade. BUT…but…they usually do the same pieces of clothing about four times each for each time they wear them.
But I’m FINE, thanks for asking! (Happy to know I’m not alone, either!)
I am impressed by how close that bowl got to the sink. SO CLOSE and yet so far.
Mine piles up his socks in various locations around the house. Probably to inject some fun into the laundry for me, I imagine. Scavenger hunt laundry fun!
Wait, you’re telling me this is universal behavior? The sole male in my house also likes to leave empty boxes or milk cartons sitting on the counter, apparently so I’ll remember to buy more. (Never mind that there is a list on the refrigerator that would serve the exact same function.)
I am still laughing….the bowl by the sink is PERFECT!!!
I am ashamed to admit that I have given up. I leave the socks on the floor and when he asks where are his clean socks I say I don’t know because I washed everything in the hamper (with a little smile). That one little act of passive aggressiveness helps with my rage issues. It helps so much.
Yep. Amen. Me too. Word.
But wait. The shoes are lined up. The shoes must be willy nilly and not lined up in order to be MALE behavior.
You totally forgot to add the picture of the milk (or whatever) carton that only has a thimble-ful of milk (or whatever)left in it that was put back into the fridge/pantry. And the 15 exact SAME items all opened (rather than finishing one before opening the next). Grrr.
Check, check, check. There must be a man living at my house …
How about the clothes NEXT to the hamper… the 7 water glasses scattered around the house like the kid from Signs… and the throw blankets and pillows on the FLOOR. Why? WHY?!!!
Looks familiar!!
What is with the toilet paper?! I have seen this in many, many households! That drives me nuts. Why not take the extra small step and put the TP on the dispenser, fellas? And the bowl! Why?!
Same at my place, except that our toddler likes to play with our shoes and chew on them. So her nasty little habit finally got my husband to put his shoes away rather than leave them out everywhere. Now, if I can only figure out how to get my toddler into a dangerous situation with dirty dishes and tp rolls …
*hanging head in shame*
I am soooooo guilty of the “shoes all over the house” habit. By the front door, back door,garage door, in the laundry room, under the bed, in front of the couch, under the coffee table, under my desk. BUT the peanut butter crusted knife in the sink and underwear/socks on the bathroom floor… that is all hubby ;-)
Just seeing that bowl not in the dishwasher made blood spurt out my ears. Someday I will be featured on that “Snapped” show. When called before the judge I will merely present pictures such as these and she will say “I see, you are free to go.” That is exactly how I see all that playing out. For real.
Do we have the same husband? My favorite is the apple sticker on the sink faucet.
Maybe they should just start the day by peeing in the corner of every room. We get it. It’s your HOUSE. You can do whatever you WANT. Ugh.
I do every single one of those things. Should I get my testosterone levels checked?
My husband leaves the kool-aid/iced tea pitcher in the fridge once he’s emptied it. Is he keeping the plastic ‘chilled’ so when I refill it it’ll cool faster? He will, however, remove the empty milk jug from the fridge only to leave it on the kitchen counter. Boggles the mind.
With all the rage in the comments I’m kind of afraid to admit this but…well..I’m having my period and it’s ugly-gorey so I’m pretty sure I’m a chick and…here goes…I do all of those things. All the time.
Haaa! Tonight I came home from work to find 4 pairs of (giant, man-sized) shoes/sneakers all in front of the china hutch in the kitchen. And a pair of (dirty) socks on THE KITCHEN COUNTER. Yeah.
Ok, so I’m a woman and I am SO guilty of all three of these. Especially the shoes and the toilet paper partial roll replacement. My husband always teases me and now my daughter is leaving her shoes by the door. My husband always has his shoes in the closet and replaces TP but he and I are equally bad on dishes. Yes, I married well ;)
Triple it. My husband, 18 and 17 year old sons. Trip in the door every night by the amount of huge male size shoes strewn all over the place. TP, bowls, empty containers, laundry on the floor, water glasses in every room, they all do them all the time and it does not matter how many times I bring this to their attention, don’t pick up after them…it goes on.
You crack me up!
Socks on the floor. SOCKS ON THE FLOOR! WHY THE SOCKS ON THE FLOOR?
The bowl. The bowl! Drives me up the wall.
My husband did the first two today! When I showed him your blog, and mentioned that, he said, “I did?” Grr. He doesn’t leave his shoes around anymore because we have a cat that likes to mark its territory on shoes left by the door. I may or may not have trained the cat to do this.
Um, I just don’t even see what the problem is….I might use that bowl again, the toilet tissue is next to the toilet, and my shoes are easily accessable, and not muddying up the floor, very much anyway. What?
OMG, have I gone to the dark side?
I’m guilty of all of it. EXCEPT the tp issue. My hisand shakes his head and reloads the dishwahser after I do it “wrong”. He didn’t have to tell me twice, I just let him do it “his way”
“You forgot the dirty clothes on the floor right in front of the laundry chute/hamper. Jackasses.”
YES. OMFG that makes me want to go out and buy a chainsaw.
hey at least the bowl is by the sink and not on the coffee table, and the shoes are lined up on the rug and not wherever they will be tripped on, AND the toilet paper is near where it should be and not in the cupboard just waiting for mom to replace it .
OMG these comments and the pictures are killing me! The TP, shoes and laundry on the floor right in front of the hamper those are the things that make me INSANE. INSANE!!!!!!!!
My life. And the rest of my life, passing before my eyes. Hate that so many others are in the same boat (seems wrong to say, glad I’m not alone)…but at least I’m not taking it so personally now. *sigh*
Yes. Just, yes.
I suppose posting a photo of socks and underwear on the floor would have been too inappropriate? ;)
The TP on top of the nearly empty role is NOT only done by males. I see that in the women’s bathroom at work too, so I KNOW women do it too. Pisses me right the hell off when I see it. I mean, seriously? Installing the new roll after removing the used up roll… it’s not rocket surgery, ladies!
I wish I could say that it was the Male in our house who was guilty of these things *hangs head*
Putting empty packages back into the pantry when he is done snacking.
Leaving packages of things undone (tortillas unwrapped, bags of rice or sugar open) when he puts them back into the pantry.
Refusing to put away clean laundry, choosing instead to store the clean clothes in the hamper and the dirty clothes in a heap on the floor.
Socks just, everywhere, man.
Books also, just everywhere.
Stacks of or lone CDs just freaking every-god-damn-where.
Leaving anything that should fall to the floor where it lies and then actually WHINING if I ask him to pick it up.
Cramming towels into the the linen closet in a knot instead of folding them.
NEVER putting ANYTHING back in the spot where he got it from. If he uses the shampoo, it is halfway across the shower from where I keep it. If he puts dishes away, instead of putting them back in the same spot they have lived in for six years, he just seems to open doors and drawers at random and shove stuff in. If he uses the vacuum, it will sit in the middle of the last room he uses it in for approximately three days until I break and ask him to put it up. In those three days he will see around the vacuum, but won’t actually see it, because he’s not interested in it, and therefore it doesn’t exist to him. Same with dirty dishes, the aforementioned laundry heap, the mail he needs to open and anything else that should be addressed in a timely manner. If he’s not interested in it, it doesn’t exist. Fable III exists. And his Netflix Instant Stream.
I’m not talking about a 12 year old boy. I’m talking about my husband, who has ADD.
The other day, I found a pair of neatly folded (used) underpants on the sofa.
THE. SOFA.
And he is also guilty of the “put things away wherever” trick. The can opener is never in the same place twice. And things that have multiple pieces? One part will be in the drawer, the other piece will be in the cupboard with the dishes, and another part will be under the sink. It’s like an Easter egg hunt, but with kitchen utensils.
Yes,yes and yes. I could also add his pile of clothes laying next to the laundry shoot.
Throw in a photo of kitchen cabinet doors and/or drawers left open and you’d have “My Life in Photos” :)
Oh yes – mine does that after giving me crap about MY shoes!
Oh, and he’ll take fans out of windows and leave them in my office, or miss the trash and leave it on the floor…don’t get me started!!!
I must be a man, bc I do all of those things. :-)
…and then when we ask that they pick up after themselves they complain that we are treating them like children.
UGH!
Yes, yes and yes!!
Yes, Yes, and Yes!
ok yeah, I do a lot of that stuff….
Hate to comment twice just to reiterate others’ comments, but AMEN to Amanda. The guilt trip I get for “nagging.” Well, you apparently need to be nagged, or nothing will ever get done!
They say women are complicated, but this entire comment thread indicates there are a few *simple* tasks that women the world over want men to accomplish. We all know how many times we have the same conversation….and yet they can’t seem to do it. EVER.
“You forgot the dirty clothes on the floor right in front of the laundry chute/hamper. Jackasses.” Indeed.
Kelley O… rocket surgery?
Dear Eden,
“If he’s not interested in it, it doesn’t exist. [First person shooting games and online poker exist.] And his Netflix Instant Stream.
I’m not talking about a 12 year old boy. I’m talking about my husband, who has ADD.”
*Sigh* The “I live for me” attitude coupled with the ADD…I feel ya, sister. I feel ya. Sometimes I wish polygamy were legal so I could get a wife for myself.
I see these things at my house too, and add a glass of “ice water” (minus the ice, because it MELTS) left somewhere in the house because someday, some time, somehow he will drink from that glass again. ICE WATER that is room temperature. Also, the glass usually sweats and leaves an annoying amount of water around it, which may or may not damage wood or nearby important papers. OH, and since the ICE WATER glasses tend to disappear (thanks to me), then he will try to HIDE them around the house so I can’t find them, dump them out and put the glasses in the dishwasher.
All because he may want to sip from that glass again.
RAGE.
Oh god yes. The bowl thing, he always says he doesn’t know whether the dishwasher is clean or dirty and he’s afraid I’ll get mad at him. But he’s never worried that I’ll get mad he can never put a goddamn dish in the dishwasher.
The shoe thing I can’t even get mad about. We all do that in our house.
oh my, laughing so hard I’m crying! And I’d like to add the times when my husband leaves just a swallow of milk, or the nasty ends of the bread loaf, so annoying! But sorry, I can’t feel your pain on the shoe thing because that pic is too cute, plus we do that at our house :)
Same things here, PLUS the wallet, keys and sunglasses in the middle of the kitchen table every day. Then he gets mad when the kids empty his wallet, play with the sunglasses and spill milk on his keys. DUH.
You ever get the feeling we are all the same family, with identical dramas playing out over and over again, in each household across the country?
I always think about a sign I saw once that said “CHANGING THE TOILET PAPER ROLL DOES NOT CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE.” Because allll that shit happens in my house, too (and I also have two sons, and am fighting their inevitable decline into manly slobdom). Lord help us all.
Sigh. My oldest daughter is guilty of that first offense. When I say “put it in the sink” she hears “sink” as in “vicinity of”. Why, I do not know. My husband also cannot put a used spreading knife in the sink after use to save his damned life. This is why I need to live in a hermitage on the property of a wealthy eccentric Englishman. These things would not happen then.
The dishes on the counter RIGHT NEXT to the dishwasher – ARGH!
Also I have to admit to feeling nothing but deep satisfaction the other night when my husband tripped and nearly killed himself on his own shoes that he left in the doorway.
Years ago I told my husband I wouldn’t launder anything that wasn’t in the hamper – next to the hamper, near the hamper, around the hamper = not good enough. Told my son the same thing when he was old enough to get it. After a few weeks of not having enough clean clothing it’s amazing how well both of them manage to get their shit in the hamper. I swear it’s the little things that are eventually cause me to burst a blood vessel or run away.
Oh dear lord, you could have taken those pictures in my house.
My husband is terrible about bussing his dish after dinner so I served him his dinner the next night on the previous night’s dirty dish. The kids thought it was hilarious and now he generally remembers to bus his dish to the sink.
Oh. My. GOD! My other half is cheating on me, with ALL of you?!?!?! That dirty dog!
Seriously, if any of you lovely ladies want to join a platonic moms & kids compound on a tropical island somewhere, let me know. I’m totally down for a wife.
I promise to never leave you one swig of milk, two squares of toilet paper and you won’t find 37 dirty white socks crumpled under the bed EVER.
Yes. OH, YES. I call it “being a bad putter-awayer”. Mystery I cannot, for the life of me, understand.
Every time I hear about these male behaviors I say a thank you to the gods. The male in my house doesn’t do any of that, and it’s a good thing because that shit would drive me insane.
I’m guilty of dishes on the counter, but that’s because it hurts my back to bend over and put them in the dishwasher. But I do at least rinse them off. I just love finding socks all over the house. Here a sock, there a sock, everywhere a sock, sock…
I do not get why they can’t put a new roll of toilet paper on and instead place it on top. If you ever solve this mystery, please let me know.
Umm…I’m a little freaked out that you snuck into my house and took these pictures.
I guess I should be grateful that mine will actually put the bowl IN the sink, but why not take the extra second to save your lovely wife the trouble and PUT THE EFFIN BOWL IN THE EFFIN dishwasher?
And the shoes? Holy hell…I’m getting outraged just typing about it. A pair here, a pair there. The other night I counted SIX damned pairs of big-ass shoes downstairs (and that’s not counting two pairs of my 7-year-old’s and one pair of my 3-year-old) and in my mind I hurled every last shoe at his big-ass head, but in reality, I simply asked him if he would like me to move his clothes to the kitchen, too, so his whole wardrobe was easily accessible. He sheepishly gathered them in one nice pile for me, which quietly sat for another two days before I finally yelled and told him to get them upstairs and into the closet before I went postal on his ass. Because that’s how I roll – patience is a virtue, ya know.
And because I’m feeling cheery today, I won’t even get started about the tp issue.
But I WILL make one last resentful comment – the neck ties. Dear God….my husband only wears them occassionally, but looking around my house, you would think he wore a new one every hour. Between him taking it off and throwing it wherever, and the 3-year-old who is fascinated with every accessory he can find, they’re freakin’ EVERYWHERE!
Oh my god, my wife is a man!
I think I would have a heart attack and die if she actually put her cereal bowl IN the sink and rinsed it so that I don’t get home from work to find the spoon cemented to the bowl with dried, sour milk.
If she ever put her shoes away I would probably call 911 to see if she had a brain tumor.
Same channel plays in my house in Richmond, VA
Did you sneak into my house to take these pictures? Because my partner is the EXACT SAME WAY. At least your toilet paper ends up vaguely “on” the roll, even if not exactly “on it properly”…
Ha ha, so true. Also – leaving just a smidgen of juice left in the container and putting it back in the fridge…grrrrr…
Yes, very well done except you forgot the laundry right next to the hamper; the kitchen cabinets left open; in the refrigerator a sip of juice left in the carton and a tablespoon of food left in the container…
OMG! That first picture, I actually said out loud, “I know, RIGHT?!” and I work at home. Alone.
Secondly, I have those exact Asolo boots. But, I thought they were women’s boots. So, am I wearing man boots or is JB wearing women’s?!
YES
I could’ve taken those pictures myself…except my montage would include a photo of an empty wrapper lying on the counter above the trashcan.
Hilarious. My husband does the same. I’d also add leaving one thing out after he makes himself food. A PB&J — he puts everything away, except the peanut butter. Popcorn — pan and dish washed, but measuring cup left out on the counter. Why? Who knows. Have to be honest, I know I do a lot of little things that drive my husband crazy, too — example, filing my nails while I watch television.
YOu hit the nail on the head!!! I have 4 boys + husband and none of them can put shoes in a closet- they line them up outside the door and then are suprised when I trip over them!!
I guess I don’t understand why anything is mysterious about these pictures?
The bowl is by the sink because the sink is probably full. Or, if not, then we don’t want to clutter up the sink with dirty dishes; it looks nasty.
Putting the toilet paper on the holder is extra, unnecessary work, since the existing empty roll supports it just fine. Eventually, when there’s nothing else to do or read during an unexpectedly long session, the new roll can go onto the holder, but what’s the rush?
You asked us to not wear the shoes in the house, right? and we will need them the next time we go out, right? So the shoe lineup is the most efficient answer. (Actually, I don’t do this. My wife’s shoes are all around the front door. I carry mine to the side closet and leave them under the bench there.)
Where’s the photo of the dirty sock NEXT TO the hamper? I actually watched my husband drop one there once and he was surprised when I demanded an explanation.
Also, I think we have the same dishes.
Eternal pile of towels on the floor in his bathroom. Eternal pile of underwear jammed behind the door, in his bathroom. SO MUCH toothpaste on the mirror, you can’t see through it. Water rings, and food splatter on the kitchen countertops. How can he NEVER see it? Vacuum? What is this vacuum contraption you speak of, wife? FORKS being used in the nonstick pans while cooking?? *FACEPALM*
Also, while I’m bitching…..There are 3 hampers in the laundry room. Whites. Neutrals. Darks. WHY is that SO EFFING DIFFICULT to decipher?!!! It’s called SORTING!!!! Is already labeled!! Is SO EASY!!! And yet…..
Holy shit balls. YES.
Yes, yes, and hell yes.
Ha, I must be a man then! I do put my shoes away, though.
… and thanks for a reminder of the good side of being single and living alone.
Ba ha ha!! Things I no longer have to deal with. But I am raising two boys so I’m sure it will resurface as they age. It’s a Y chromosome thing!
Wow, you really touched a nerve with this one. The worst part in my house is that now my two daughters are following their dads example. Intervention!
Three pairs of shoes?! That’s nothing. When he gets home tonight, there’ll be 4 pairs of his shoes at the front door and 2 at the back door. That’s more than I own total!
The pile of items for recycling left on the kitchen counter that will never be taken to the recycling bin
The toilet door left open even though it’s in direct view of the front door so”hey welcome to my toilet” This particularly grates as I estimate I have asked a minimum of 5 million times in the four years we have lived in this house if he can shut the effing door.
Shoes-check (particularly in front of the dishwasher, which has a certain irony)
Collection of empty toilet rolls in bathroom – check – (they don’t even make it to the recycling holding area)
Empty bottles of shower gel/shampoo etc, which I think would have to get above waste height in the shower cubicle before he would notice them.
I can’t bring myself to talk about the laundry basket
waist not waste, it’s past midnight here and I’m tired from all the recycling and door shutting
I would like to find one man on earth who is capable of opening a box/package/bag of cookies, cereal or chips without tearing it to shreds.
This is why I love you! There’s someone else in the world who UNDERSTANDS.
Throw in a pile of toenail clippings on an end table, and you’ve got my ex-husband.
Funny, we must be in a “what’s up with guys” mood. I just posted on my blog about weird boy behavior from my sons.
Ugh, the toilet paper kills me.
How on Earth did you sneak into my house and take these pictures??!! LOL!
LOVE it! These pictures say it all.
Yikes! My husband is going to be prety surprised to fun out he married a man!! (Except for the TP, thats annoying. I mean–youre SITTING THERE ANYWAY. Its not like you dont have the 30 seconds to change it out.)
The bowl is there because the dishwasher is clean and I don’t have the time to empty it, and the shoes jut make sense! I’ll need them when I leave, so why not keep them in the most convenient spot?
All that aside, Linda I love your rug! Where did you happen to snag it?
Ha! This could be my house. My 9 year old son takes off his pajamas in the family room and stuffs them under the couch with his underwear and socks while he gets dressed in front of the TV. And he is amazed when I find the stash after a week. I mean, they were so craftily hidden there!
See also: discarded socks by couch, wet towels on bed.
Well, maybe after coming home from a long strenuous day at my real job, while you’re lounging around the house, if you would do your job, we wouldn’t have this problem. I’m pretty sure that had you been cleaning up instead of sitting on your rather large posterior, it wouldn’t look like that. I am fairly certain that if you were in the kitchen as you were supposed to be, there would not be dishes unattended to.