Jan

4

Resolved

During the holidays I ate all the things and exercised exactly zero times unless you count all those bicep curls of methodically slotting one cookie after another into my food-hole, so this week is all about getting back on track with diet and fitness (again). It’s the first week of January and I am suddenly re-focused on my health, which I realize makes me quite the special snowflake, but hey, look at all the fucks I do not give about anyone’s tiresome Hipster Ariel attitude towards New Year’s goals.

Screen shot 2012-01-04 at 3.59.57 PM

Anyway, here’s the obnoxious part about trying to sneak in a workout at home with the kids:

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That right there is cute for about .005 seconds and then it’s like dude can you please just move out of my way and let me get this shit done because let’s be honest, whatever you’re doing there is totally not even remotely a jumping jack. Way to phone it in, Dylan.

On the plus side, I busted out my ancient Turbo Jam DVD today and when chirpy Chalene Johnson told me to find someone to high-five, there was Riley, hovering nearby peppering me with a thousand questions (”Why does that lady have on gloves? Is this what Daddy’s gym looks like? Do you know all these people? How come your knee makes that sound?”). As I told him, I’ve worked out to that DVD probably 50 times since I bought it, and never once had someone to high-five before.

So that was nice and all, but man, escaping kid-free to the gym is much better.

I know it’s become virtually politically incorrect to talk in terms of pounds, but I need to lose about ten of Those Things Which Shall Not Be Named Because Of Course It’s All About Health and I Have More Important Interests Anyway. Ten TTWSNBNBOCIAAHAIHMIIA ago, I felt better, I looked better, and I didn’t have to surreptitiously undo a jeans button whenever I sat down.

I don’t know if I’d call it an official resolution, but I feel resolved. So long, cookies. It was nice while it lasted.

Comments

37 Responses to “Resolved”

  1. Lori on January 4th, 2012 5:21 pm

    Same boat. Same 30 Day Shred experience with a chatty, bouncy preschooler that likes to ride on my back while I slog and moan through the push-ups. I like to tell myself that it’s good for her to see me exercise. Right? And she interested in exercising with me for about 2.5 minutes. Then she lies on the floor and asks me a million questions that I can’t answer because I can’t breathe. I miss going to a gym.

  2. Danell on January 4th, 2012 5:22 pm

    Why DOES my knee make that sound? And my back, elbow, neck…oh YEAH, because I am getting OLD. *sigh*
    Makes it even harder to give a sh*t and give up the cookies.

  3. Faith on January 4th, 2012 5:44 pm

    Nothing really productive to say here except that I really loved this entry! I lost 17 pounds over the summer/fall and then promptly got pregnant, so I’ll be doing this same thing in about 6 months, complete with lurking toddler.

  4. Kristianna on January 4th, 2012 5:46 pm

    “That right there is cute for about .005 seconds”

    Thank you for writing that. Whenever I see someone suggest I include the littles in my nonexistent-because-they-bother-the-crap-out-of-me-the-whole-time workouts, I want to punch them in the throat. Especially when it’s my husband, who (cough, cough) gets to workout in complete isolation 5-6 times a week at our house–”leave daddy alone!!–is the one who is dumb enough to suggest it. He can’t have the door open because it distracts him if he hears them, but I am to include spazzes in my workouts. GAH.

    Don’t get me wrong… insert all I love my kids to death disclaimers here… but I really can’t include them and actually get the job done.

    We can go on family hikes, at least for a whole 300 yards before someone has to pee, haha. That’s something.

  5. NancyJ on January 4th, 2012 5:48 pm

    LOL – I think the entire world is doing the same exercise/self-examination we’re doing here!
    Yeah, I’m re-motivated, renewed in spirit, waking up at 4:40 (that’s AM) and out to our room above the garage to nordic track. But I think I’ll mix it up and bust out the FIRM tapes and see how that feels a couple of days a week. I’ve got 10 pounds I want to lose (Is that the magic number?).
    Good luck to everyone in their quest!

  6. Laura on January 4th, 2012 6:37 pm

    I will just tell you that I have about 6 pounds to lose, and I’m not ashamed to say pounds. That might be half a stone, but I am too lazy to look it up. Anyway, I have 2 or 3 Turbo Jam dvds, and reading this tonight, I remembered that I bought my first one after your hearty recommendation! And I still use them!

  7. Chloe on January 4th, 2012 6:55 pm

    You know what, I worked out over December (though NOT as much as I normally do/ “should” have), I even worked out New Years Eve. And I still packed on two of those things that should not be named.

    Now I’d like to get rid of this damn belly bloat, but I don’t regret a damn minute of it. It was delicious, and fun. It’s not the rest of my life, but it is the holidays and they should be enjoyed (and by holidays, I mean “the most socially acceptable time of year to pig out, and also the time with the most hand-made, delicious goodies being offered unto me”, because I am not at all religious).

    I’m two pounds up after 40 pounds down for almost a year… I can get it back off, and hell yeah I can live with this.

  8. Lisa Ann on January 4th, 2012 7:13 pm

    I just lost (and trying not to re-find) 33 lbs!!! I am so proud of myself and really wish I had someone to high-five; can I borrow Dylan for the high five?

  9. jen on January 4th, 2012 7:19 pm

    yeah, why can’t you say you want to lose a certain number of pounds anymore? it seems like everyone i know will say “well…you know, i just want to be healthy.” perhaps it’s to keep things loose so you don’t feel like a failure if you don’t meet your goal? how can you have a goal if you don’t have a way to measure your progress?
    good luck with the workouts. i don’t have children yet and i know i’m incredibly lucky to have all the time i want to do these things.

  10. Katie on January 4th, 2012 7:24 pm

    LOVE the comment about the hipster Ariel attitudes…hilarious and so true. Good luck with your goals (and keeping the boys busy while you workout)!

  11. Sara on January 4th, 2012 7:30 pm

    Well, this time last year I started a workout routine and lost oh lets say 20ish pounds, but my body was SO DIFFERENT and I got all new clothes and it was AWESOME…

    Until I gained not only the 20 I lost but 30 more back the last six months, that’s 50 pounds in six months (sorry I eat my feelings).

    So I’m jumping back on the band wagon I fell off with the desire to get back in all those awesome clothes I wore last year.

    And to feel better.

    And to self hate a little less, that would be nice too.

  12. Amy on January 4th, 2012 7:37 pm

    This reminds me of running with my son in the baby jogger. He just talked and talked and talked or rather asked questions and asked questions and asked questions. AHHH!!!

    amy

  13. sooboo on January 4th, 2012 8:04 pm

    That kid is pretty cute though. I lost 15 of those whatever they are’s last year and gained back about 5 over the holidays. But hey, ya gotta live a little. Back to spinach salads and chicken breast and goodbye cookies for me too! Sniff.

  14. Life of a Doctor's Wife on January 4th, 2012 8:18 pm

    My knee makes that sound, too.

    I bet you burn extra calories – ahem, I mean you gain extra HEALTHY POINTS – by having to pay attention to both the exercise video AND your son. That’s multi-tasking at its finest, right there.

  15. H on January 4th, 2012 8:28 pm

    Hey, Lisa Ann, HIGH FIVE! I lost 30 lbs. over a 7 month period in 2011 and just bought myself new jeans that are 2 sizes smaller. I think the hardest part is being patient and not getting frustrated when it seems like progress is slow. If anyone can do it, Linda, you can.

  16. Caroline on January 4th, 2012 8:43 pm

    I just like you man. You crack me up. And yeah….I have about 12 of those to get rid of.

  17. Erin on January 4th, 2012 8:43 pm

    I’m ridiculously jealous that you had someone to high five.

    Once, I made the dog high-five me. Which she totally knows how to do so it was OK.

  18. June on January 4th, 2012 9:04 pm

    OMG, the shred. I tried it for 2 weeks and then promptly got hideously, hideously ill (coincidence? I think not!). I have not gone back to it, lest I return to VomitFest 2011.

    And my knee, it makes a hideous cracking sound, is that what yours does?! I actually went to a physical med and rehab doc about it a couple years ago, just to make sure it wasn’t a sign that my leg was going to fall off. Nothing to worry about, he said.

  19. Laura on January 4th, 2012 9:58 pm

    I’ve got about 10 of those things to kick to the curb because of my holiday eating.

    Also, once again I am reminded of one of the reasons that I love reading your work. You just call it like a lot of us see it (and sometimes don’t even realize we see it until it is spoken/written by someone else). I LOVE LOVE LOVE the “tiresome Hipster Ariel attitude” comment!!!! (I just read one of those posts earlier today.)

  20. Wendy on January 4th, 2012 10:12 pm

    I’ve got 10 of those things to lose myself. great post Linda.

  21. Mama Ritchie on January 4th, 2012 10:38 pm

    I hear ya sistah. Instead of actually doing the Kinect exercise game I bought 3 weeks ago, I ate 4 boxes of Christmas cookies my sister sent me. None of my jeans fit. So what do I do? Go to Mercer and buy bigger jeans, of course! (Mark me down for 10 pounds too. I can always get these jeans taken in, right?)

  22. Mama Ritchie on January 4th, 2012 10:39 pm

    And screw healthy. I want to be skinny, dammit!

  23. Christie on January 4th, 2012 10:59 pm

    I resolve to lose 10 of those “Things Which Must Not Be Named” every damn year. Hasn’t happened yet. Working from home and wearing yoga pants every day… FTW!

  24. MichelleH on January 5th, 2012 1:31 am

    I’ve done The Shred with a toddler and it sucked (during the crunching portions, he likes to do a running belly flop onto my stomach, good for a little extra resistance). I would also love to lose 10 of those things we can’t talk about and I’ll even give my lame justification for it which is that its not so much fat vs. skinny but pear-shaped vs. not pear-shaped. I wouldn’t mind the extra pounds if they sorted themselves into an hourglass, but they don’t. So, goodbye Hot Chocolate with whipped cream and hello Kale Juice. Having a little one to high five does sound pretty adorable and encouraging, though. But I do miss my gym membership. A lot.

  25. Kelley O on January 5th, 2012 4:21 am

    I’m with everyone else, 10 of those unmentionables (possibly 15, haven’t been on the scale for several months) but most of the smaller size jeans just don’t fit anymore. :( Obviously exercise (elliptical in my living room and a Roku Box subscription to thegymbox, plus DVDs) but I’m also thinking about cutting out most of the sugar. The yogurt I eat every day for breakfast has a shocking amount of sugar in it. And more whole grains.

  26. JMH on January 5th, 2012 5:38 am

    FYI..I just bought one of Chalene’s newer workout (ChaLEAN Extreme) and it came with an extra free workout called Turbo Fire…it’s like Turbo Jam on steroids. :) I previewed it yesterday and it looks like a fun, crazy workout. It is a 30 min. HIIT workout and a 10 min. stretch workout. I plan to start that, along with the extreme workout, on Saturday.

  27. Jenny on January 5th, 2012 7:08 am

    I hear you on the kid while working out. I can handle having to give him a turn on the treadmill because he “needs to workout too” but when I was doing Insanity and he told me that I wasn’t doing it right and not fast enough (while I was simply trying not to puke), I lost it! :)

  28. Melissa on January 5th, 2012 8:59 am

    @Mama Ritchie
    “And screw healthy. I want to be skinny, dammit!”

    THANK YOU! Me too! I tell myself it’s to ‘be healthy’ because I cannot get below this damn number of pounds I am. But we’re all lying. We want to be skinny and healthy is just a bonus.

    Also – do NOT do the Kettleworx program. Messed up my wrist and knee on that thing and it’s taking me weeks to get back to be able to run on the treadmill again. Wrist and Knee braces FTW.

  29. Kizz on January 5th, 2012 9:27 am

    It’s sort of about lbs but it’s mostly about the fact that I’m too goddamned cheap to buy a whole new series of pants that aren’t trying to strangle me.

  30. Annie on January 5th, 2012 10:03 am

    “hey, look at all the fucks I do not give” is my new motto for 2012.

  31. Jen on January 5th, 2012 10:28 am

    This made me laugh out loud. Love.

  32. Amy on January 5th, 2012 11:42 am

    I’m with you on the losing weight thing. I spent all winter gorging on treats and now most of my pants don’t fit. The 30-Day Shred is a good start :)

    Also, I know you really like Breaking Bad and I happened across a sweepstakes for a walk-on role on the show:

    http://www.breakingbadsweeps.com/

  33. Mary on January 5th, 2012 12:43 pm

    Every time I lie down to do crunches (Cindy Crawford workout video circa 1994, my daughter covers me up with her blankie and says “Night night mama! Love you!” and kisses me on the forehead. It’s cute. For a minute. Now please move.

  34. Erika on January 5th, 2012 1:34 pm

    I don’t talk about those things because I need to lose 10 times 12 of them which seems impossible so I just say, “I have to walk today”. I can do that.

  35. nonsoccermom on January 5th, 2012 7:02 pm

    I’m with Annie – “look at all the fucks I do not give” is TOTALLY my motto for this year.

    And working out with little kids around is frustrating at best. Thank jeebus my gym has a childcare, because seriously.

  36. Jennifer on January 6th, 2012 2:02 pm

    Five years ago TO THE MONTH, you got gung-ho motivated and started exercising and making recipe suggestions for healthy snacking and meal choices, and I followed you as my inspiration. Result: I lost 10 of those-things-that-shall-not-be-named as well as got my high cholesterol WAY DOWN.

    Maybe I just stalk you or something, because now I’m back in the same boat, have put those 10 lbs back on and am disappointed to find I have a tiny muffin top (ack!). So I hope you’ll stay motivated and blog about it so I can continue stalking you and catch your contagious enthusiasm for being fit (and thin!) again.

    Good luck to all of us :)

  37. Jennifer on January 10th, 2012 11:12 am

    The best: Those Things Which Shall Not Be Named Because Of Course It’s All About Health and I Have More Important Interests Anyway

    TTWSNBNBOCIAAHAIHMIIA

    Hahahahaha.

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