So you say you have a wildly unattractive sofa that’s been smashed, stained, and beat all to hell by two rambunctious children?

couch

And not only is it uncomfortable, it’s actually starting to fall apart at the seams—and the results are disturbingly vaginal?

tear

Like, for real, you’ve started thinking of it as the CouchBeaver?

vag

Well, don’t worry, because I’m here to help. Having experienced this very same interior design challenge recently, I’ve come across a number of solutions that are sure to work in any home!

First of all, I think we can all agree that a pantyliner is one of the most simple and contemporary furniture accessory options . . . not to mention sanitary.

liner

If you’re looking for something that’s a little more playful, while remaining appropriate for traditional home environments, I recommend the exotic (yet elegant!) sofa G-string.

gstring

Furniture pubic styling is SO on trend right now! Will a modified Brazilian work in your house? Try it and see!

wax

If you’re stuck for ideas, think about the message you want your furniture to send. Maybe you want a design theme that makes a statement of some kind! Be creative!

rush

Finally, for the daredevil crowd, nothing says “Admire my curves and finger my upholstery” like a little strategically-placed bling. Think notice me—think sofa vajazzle.

jazzle

Comments

63 Responses to “What To Do If Your Sofa Has a Vagina”

  1. Mary on March 9th, 2012 6:48 pm

    Rush is a moron, and this is an awesome representation of where his head is generally anyway … stuck up his ass. Thanks for the Friday evening laugh!

  2. Stacy H-W on March 9th, 2012 7:11 pm

    Someone had way too much time on their hands today!!! LMAO

  3. maureen c on March 9th, 2012 10:06 pm

    Thank you for all the ideas. I have a couch that is a disaster because of a foster puppy and many small children. I feel a bit better about how I chose to repair it with decorative duct tape that was on sale at the Dollar Store. Next time I will tye dye panty liners.

  4. catriona on March 10th, 2012 4:13 am

    Brilliant!!

  5. Maricris @ SittingAround on March 10th, 2012 6:47 am

    LOL! What can I say?!! Actually, our sofa needs a little makeover now, I think I will do your advice! :D

  6. Sandi Kyle on March 10th, 2012 7:28 pm

    That’s the funniest shit I have read in awhile. You’re a riot!

  7. Lori on March 12th, 2012 8:23 am

    Hilarious! Shared this post with several friends.

  8. pilot_e on March 13th, 2012 5:45 am

    you need to get out of the house more.
    absolutely hysterical! :D

  9. Araz Hamian on March 13th, 2012 12:32 pm

    I love you. I really do.

  10. Craig Wiesner on March 13th, 2012 3:56 pm

    So funny! It makes me want to rip my couch just so I can fix it with some of your creative ideas.

  11. Kristen Michèle on March 16th, 2012 7:59 pm

    I just stumbled on your site from an entry you did back in 2008… In my perusing I found this and it is the funniest thing I think I have ever seen! Thank you! I am recovering from neck surgery and laughing this hard isn’t good for my healing!! I will be a dedicated follower and look forward to more crazy, clever, witty entries!!

  12. aviva on March 18th, 2012 9:40 am

    I nominate this for the funniest blog post EVER! Thanks — I needed a good belly laugh this morning.

  13. Fawn on April 12th, 2012 7:16 pm

    I’m finally de-lurking. This post is so flipping funny.

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