Screen shot 2012-05-08 at 4.29.11 PM

Captain America. Annoyingly gym-addicted, votes Republican, is forever pining for his ex. Waxes his chest.

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Thor. Favorite activities include: smoking a bowl then describing the unparalleled genius of Metallica’s Ride the Lightning album, calling in sick to his job at Guitar Center, hitting you up for rent money.

Screen shot 2012-05-08 at 4.31.11 PM

Ironman. Entertaining to be around until you realize his favorite person to talk to is himself. Proposes a threesome with your best friend. Wears expensive loafers without socks.

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Hawkeye. Has a large collection of military memorabilia. Claims MREs actually taste good. Inevitably demands to show off his “William Tell” technique after he’s had a few beers. Prone to erectile dysfunction.

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Loki. Uses your hair gel. Owns 5200 Europop CDs. Says his favorite author is Ayn Rand.

Screen shot 2012-05-08 at 9.13.15 PM

Bruce Banner. Incapable of wearing a crisply ironed article of clothing, has the tendency to gaze soulfully over the edge of a wineglass. Gets pissed easily, but amazing makeup sex.

Comments

49 Responses to “An objective analysis of the dateability of the male Avengers”

  1. Ter on May 8th, 2012 5:13 pm

    This is *the best* nerdy thing I’ve read all day! I know far too many people who will enjoy this :)

  2. Amy N on May 8th, 2012 5:21 pm

    HYSTERICAL….however, at this state in my post divorce dry spell….I would do any of them :)

  3. Melospiza on May 8th, 2012 5:41 pm

    DYING here. And I haven’t even seen the movies.

  4. moojoose on May 8th, 2012 5:44 pm

    Hands down, my favorite post of yours. Ever.

    (also, yes please, to all of them)

  5. Maria on May 8th, 2012 5:49 pm

    Hahahaha. Awesome.

  6. Claire on May 8th, 2012 5:49 pm

    I don’t know… I still think Thor takes the cake.

  7. Angella on May 8th, 2012 6:00 pm

    I grew up in a small town in northern BC, which now explains my affinity for Thor.

  8. Courtney on May 8th, 2012 6:10 pm

    Yowza. Who knew Mark Ruffalo was so hot?

  9. Jenny on May 8th, 2012 6:21 pm

    I think I may have married Thor.

  10. Nikki on May 8th, 2012 6:28 pm

    LOVE this! I am dying laughing, and yet I agree with you on all these predictions!

  11. april on May 8th, 2012 6:35 pm

    This was hilarious. I feel compelled to share this with all of my nerdy friends on FB. Thanks for the laugh!

  12. Suburban Snapshots on May 8th, 2012 6:42 pm

    I choose Bruce Banner.

  13. Erik on May 8th, 2012 7:08 pm

    No love for nick fury/Sam Jackson?

  14. Meagan on May 8th, 2012 7:22 pm

    God, archers are hot.

  15. robyn on May 8th, 2012 8:53 pm

    Brilliant. Movie was not even on my radar and suddenly I must see.

  16. Donna on May 8th, 2012 9:03 pm

    Y’all obviously have not read Linda’s walking dead recaps……pure gold!
    Genius! And now I’m thinking I might have to see this movie!

  17. Lisa S. on May 8th, 2012 10:20 pm

    I had been looking forward to your verdicts on these guys in the rigorous “Marry/F***/Kill” game, but this … this is even better.

    Also, thank you for the many pictures of handsome man candy.

  18. Jo on May 9th, 2012 12:20 am

    Gold, absolutely gold!

  19. Anonymous on May 9th, 2012 12:41 am

    HAhahahaha…. awesome. this is fully what blogs are for.

  20. M on May 9th, 2012 1:50 am

    Mark Ruffalo has great lips. Wow.

  21. Eric's Mommy on May 9th, 2012 4:48 am

    hehe love this :)

  22. jen on May 9th, 2012 6:03 am

    LOVE IT! You win at blog posts for the year.

    But also? I never really thought Jeremy Renner was hot until this movie. HELLO.

  23. Melissa A. on May 9th, 2012 6:31 am

    I don’t care. Ironman is mine. All mine.

  24. Aubrey on May 9th, 2012 6:33 am

    Oh, boy! I mean, man! Or…men!

  25. Jo on May 9th, 2012 7:30 am

    Found you via Incogntus Scriptior and so glad … this was such a funny post! I loved the movie and would love me some Tony Stark. Yip, seems I’m a sucker for a man who is more interested in his own opinions ;)

  26. Penny on May 9th, 2012 8:22 am

    Hahahaha! See now, I would have gone with Iron Man before reading this objective guide. But the loafers without socks thing is just such a good point. Bruce Banner it is!

  27. MRW on May 9th, 2012 9:02 am

    I was going to try for F, M, K, but got stalled out realizing I’d put most of them in both the F and K category. M category was totally empty.

  28. sweetney on May 9th, 2012 10:15 am

    Thor is pretty hot. Admit it.

  29. KA on May 9th, 2012 11:15 am

    But Steve Rogers is, if you take the “dancing” metaphor literally in his solo movie, a virgin. Which means after you tolerate a little inexperience, you can train him exactly how you want him.

    And also convince him that pegging is how EVERYONE has sex in the 21st century.

    Plus let’s not forget he has four times the recovery ability of a regular man, which makes him a Pez dispenser of hard-ons.

    (Confession: I’d do ’em all. Including Black Widow, Nick Fury, and Agent Coulson.)

  30. GeekFanGrl on May 9th, 2012 12:11 pm

    This is hysterical!!

    Iron Man, Hawkeye.. Umm YES PLEASE!

  31. Annabelle on May 9th, 2012 12:52 pm

    Review of my late 20s. Hilarious.

  32. Nicole on May 9th, 2012 1:07 pm

    Oh my goodness, I didn’t know Mark Ruffalo was Bruce Banner, now I HAVE to see it! (And Ironman would be nice for a night or two!)

  33. warcrygirl on May 9th, 2012 1:47 pm

    I don’t care who/what Tony Stark talks about as long as he’s naked.

  34. laura on May 9th, 2012 2:22 pm

    Ha! This is awesome and I didn’t even see the movie yet. Bruce Banner and/or Mark Ruffalo any day

  35. Very Bloggy Beth on May 9th, 2012 2:56 pm

    I’ll take Bruce Banner (it helps that I’m already madly in lust with Mr. Ruffalo). Thanks for making it so simple :)

  36. Julia on May 9th, 2012 6:17 pm

    You are hilarious! I laughed out loud and my husband looked at me like Im crazy!

  37. tanya on May 9th, 2012 9:43 pm

    Oh Bruce… flutter flutter flutter

  38. gingerest on May 9th, 2012 10:00 pm

    I had to think about it for a minute and then I realized: Linda is enough of a fangirl/detail-oriented media consumer that the reason she didn’t include Nick Fury is that he’s the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D., not a member of the Avengers.

  39. toni in florida on May 10th, 2012 6:41 am

    Your synopsis may be dead on, but I’d still love to lick every delicious centimeter of Thor’s body, then wrap my hands in his hair and ride him like a hobby horse… I might even want to share that bowl with him. DAMN, that man is h.o.t.!

  40. Kass on May 10th, 2012 8:25 am

    This is so funny. I want to see you do a version of this same post for all the testosteroney summer movies. And my husband is happy because you’ve just convinced me to see The Avengers.

    As for me, I’d hang out and smoke a bowl with Thor, but then I’d leave with Bruce Banner. Also, Loki looks like a discount Jared Leto.

  41. Hipswap on May 10th, 2012 11:35 am

    LOL to this whole post in general and the Loki description in particular. Thanks for the laugh!

  42. Shawna on May 10th, 2012 11:47 am

    I find Bruce Banner to be the most appealing of these guys – does this mean I’m old?

  43. TheRachelSyn on May 13th, 2012 10:46 am

    Once again, Linda, you have hit the nail on the head – consider it a gift! Just saw the Avengers yesterday and love your analysis, though I do really love Thor.

  44. Ashleas on May 14th, 2012 2:05 am

    I’ll take Loki any day.

  45. Laura Diniwilk on May 14th, 2012 7:18 am

    Sooooo…Bruce Banner wins?

  46. Amy on May 16th, 2012 5:02 am

    This reminds me of the website I saw during the Men’s World Cup that showed the hottest guys on each team. It made the world cup fun even after the US men got eliminated.

    Amy

  47. Mommy Boots on May 16th, 2012 11:35 am

    Not gonna lie – I’d do them all. Except Loki. He gives me the heebies and his hair is ick.

    But Thor and Hawkeye? UNF CITY USA.

  48. Christina on August 26th, 2012 9:18 pm

    I thoroughly enjoyed this! Thanks! :)

  49. Synthpop on March 5th, 2015 9:05 pm

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