There’s a machine at the gym that has cables hanging off it which you can attach various handles to and adjust the weight plates the cables lift. My trainer has an unnatural love for this thing and she’s always making me put my feet in the cables and do some sort of godawful reverse-gyno-chair routine that invariably draws curious glances because, like, no one uses the machine like that. People normally just stand by it and do arm curls or whatever. We both joke about this Onion article whenever her assigned routine is particularly odd-looking, but in terms of sheer humiliation it doesn’t seem likely that anything could top this Tuesday’s workout. I was positioned near the cable-weight-whatever-it’s-called machine, balanced precariously on the flat side of a Bosu ball — you know, those things that are like an exercise ball cut in half with a hard plastic platform on one side? — and what I was supposed to do was brace myself and alternate pulling the weighted cables with each arm. Like so:

herp derp derp

But what happened was I lost my balance and instead of letting go of the cables, which in retrospect seems like a giant no-shitter, I got pulled forward as the round part of the ball tipped:

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

And then I fell, and I mean I fell in a seriously spectacular fashion. It was like I fell off the top of a 5-story building. Total trainwreck. I almost wish I had video of what it looked like except of course I don’t really because I don’t need to relive that visual on my deathbed, but anyway, eventually I sort of found myself lying there with my legs akimbo and everything hurting and my trainer was like Oh wow are you all right and even though I suppose it happened pretty quickly and there wasn’t actually enough time to assemble a massive audience it certainly felt otherwise.

Bring me the seppuku sword. And an Advil.

Anyway aside from some dramatic bruising I was fine, and in fact finished the stupid exercise (although I made her lower the weights because I wasn’t chancing a second performance), but this sort of thing is PRECISELY why our bodies are always telling us to sit quietly and safely on couches and repeatedly spoon soothing amounts of gelato into our mouths instead of trying to stand on fucking balls. That’s just evolutionary science.

Comments

81 Responses to “Wipeout”

  1. mizuno prophecy 2 on February 24th, 2015 3:34 am

    Então, novamente tendo mais perto cada um e cada um deles é mais fácil dizer do que fazer.
    mizuno prophecy 2

  2. tenis mizuno barato on February 24th, 2015 3:34 am

    Faça o possível para a sua mudança de humor ao odor de floral exuberante exótica, bem como vegetais – pelo menos parecia funcionar pensamento por trás da série Euphoria relativa perfumes CK.
    tenis mizuno barato

  3. tenis mizuno wave on February 24th, 2015 3:38 am

    A saliva é também anti-bacteriana.
    tenis mizuno wave

  4. tenis mizuno masculino on February 24th, 2015 3:40 am
  5. mizuno wave feminino on February 24th, 2015 3:44 am

    É claro que, se as celebridades adolescentes do mundo mais famosos são realmente sexualmente ativa é quase irrelevante.
    mizuno wave feminino

  6. mizuno prophecy 2 on February 24th, 2015 3:47 am

    Dado que você tem um mínimo de um, ela pode certamente diminuir o seu dinheiro loanable ou talvez de reprovar a sua aplicação.
    mizuno prophecy 2

  7. tenis feminino mizuno on February 24th, 2015 3:48 am

    1 teatro, eles fazem isso de uma maneira muito mais imersiva controlada.
    tenis feminino mizuno

  8. mizuno wave feminino on February 24th, 2015 3:48 am

    Ashe avisa a ela para não fazer promessas que ela pode manter, como mantê-la como uma das suas principais prioridades.
    mizuno wave feminino

  9. mizuno prophecy 2 on February 24th, 2015 3:49 am

    Eles mantê-lo mais confortável, eles reduzem a fadiga, e diminuir o seu risco de desenvolver problemas de coluna como você se sentar em sua mesa.
    mizuno prophecy 2

  10. tênis mizuno on February 24th, 2015 3:52 am

    Don esquecer a lebre ea tartaruga? Realmente não é a rapidez com que você vá, mas consistentemente colocando um pé na frente do outro.
    tênis mizuno

  11. mizuno wave on February 24th, 2015 3:53 am

    O samemodel como na eletricidade, onde você tem a Electricity Authority Central andthen os stateregulators, pode ser adotado para o setor imobiliário , diz Parekh.
    mizuno wave

  12. mizuno wave on February 24th, 2015 3:53 am

    Às vezes não é possível aprender muito sobre um filme a partir da leitura da parte de trás da caixa em uma loja, assim que o shopping online oferece um grande benefício para os compradores de DVD.
    mizuno wave

  13. chanel on March 3rd, 2015 1:22 am

    I prefer chanel. Although since that time the item was any Tween development, Personally i think unusual becoming the actual 37 year-old for the local retailer carrying these kinds of. I actually absolutely adore greater rropoxtb even if I’m a Six 1/2 and get hold of Five. sz Eight wrong in size huge in addition to cumbersome. The particular Seven actually try to make our toes seem too big and that i choose to point out to those people additional Six 1/2 in addition to along with families…your feet will big nevertheless, you is going to be soooo excellent. If you’re an 7 1/2 and then your Following toe of the feet is greater versus the first similar to me -and purchased a new Eight – you have got to swallow down the problems so that the enter. I had those that are while using joins in the to come back lower leg whenever those turned out more than Several earlier. I am just as a result of for another person that i’m lost just what exactly hue and also pattern will likely make my family in no way seem like almost every teeny bopper on the local retailer!

  14. deer antler x reviews on March 3rd, 2015 7:09 am

    deer antler x reviews…

    Wipeout : All & Sundry…

  15. event wrist bands on April 20th, 2015 6:07 pm

    1.WhatisyourMOQfor silicone wristbands china ? UsuallyourMOQis1,000pcs.2.What’syouracceptablepayment?A:T/T,PayPal,WesternUnion,Escrow,etc.3.CanIgetsamples? Yes can provide free sample in stock with freight collect.4.Canyoudoacustomlogoon silicone wristbands china ?Yes.ThereareFOURoptionsforthelogoas

  16. cheap silicone wristbands on April 20th, 2015 6:08 pm

    Post by Dj Mac CampbellIt was Lance Armstrong who started the silicone wristbands craze when he released the yellow “Livestrong” wristbands. A lot of folks have been sporting silicone wristbands considering that then. It became 1 of the components that folks wear every day. However the appear and la

  17. custom rubber bracelets cheap on April 20th, 2015 6:09 pm

    Custom Promotional Silicone Bracelets, Wristbands UK based supplier of fully personalized silicone bracelets. Order your customized rubber wristbands here online- we have a wide range of colors and customization options. Printed Wristbands, Silicone bracelets Words or brands are using the silk-scree

  18. custom rubber bracelets no minimum on April 20th, 2015 6:09 pm

    bite Connectivity: Bluetooth Connectivity waiting to fight to retain the connection information into the history of the Bluetooth watch engraved bite has actually keep the connection between the phone did not propose to abolish the re-scan for Bluetooth devices save reconnect Asker evaluation , Than

  19. promo running on June 22nd, 2015 11:50 am

    Wipeout : All & Sundry
    promo running

  20. jordan six rings on June 22nd, 2015 12:10 pm

    Wipeout : All & Sundry
    jordan six rings

  21. http://www.tsmmanager.com/mmanagecl/air-max-bw-pas-cher.html on August 18th, 2015 2:31 am
  22. ugg australie on September 7th, 2015 10:22 am

    Wipeout : All & Sundry
    ugg australie

  23. Ugg Firenze on September 21st, 2015 11:04 pm

    mens nike 2013 air max

    Ugg Firenze

  24. burberry red cape on November 27th, 2015 9:10 pm

    There are new to me, oh the recall. I like to buy the package. Hee hee very satisfied with the customer service small European patient. Service is very attentive, very grateful. Bag color is a bit dark, but can accept. Style is very special, not afraid to hit with others this time.
    burberry red cape

  25. Mcm Boston Bag on January 26th, 2016 2:20 pm

    nike shoes id
    Mcm Boston Bag

  26. Mcm White Bag on January 26th, 2016 4:13 pm

    company mcm
    Mcm White Bag

  27. Price Of Mcm Backpack on January 31st, 2016 5:18 am

    east bay nike air max
    Price Of Mcm Backpack

  28. Mcm Handbags Online on February 14th, 2016 7:07 am

    nike free print

    Mcm Handbags Online

  29. http://xks.be/ikke/kengatsuomi.php?suomioutlet=adidas-miehet-keng%C3%A4t-c-34/ 9hYV190ifi on February 23rd, 2016 3:49 pm

    Puma Kengät…

    tidy Puma as possible. Hot water and scented soap were in themselves pleasant things. The dresser was an new-balance-kengät old goods box, stood on end and covered with white lawn. On it there was a row of ivory toilet things, with combs and brushes,…

  30. http://xks.be/ikke/kengatsuomi.php?suomioutlet=reebok-miehet-kengät-c-1/ 4iXM479exg on February 23rd, 2016 3:50 pm

    Donne Moncler Giacche…

    ich did not exist, apparently, at the beginning, when this fluid was being carried up from the stomach to the liver. Why, then, did it not at once run downwards Moncler Accessori 2014 when it was in http://xks.be/ikke/kengatsuomi.php?suomioutlet=mizu

  31. asics kengät 8uZe674hog on February 23rd, 2016 3:51 pm

    http://podzamcze.eu/29-salomon-xt-hornet-skor

    nd undressing himself, soon appeared buried in the bosom of Morpheus. But the chief and Adidas Kengät Tomlinson, drawing their seats nearer to the dying embers, defied the slothful god, and entered with low tones into a close and anxious commune.

Leave a Reply




  • Stuff I Like:

      space eeny Eeny Meeny, by M.J. Arlidge Dark, twisty, kept the pages turning for me. I’m excited to read more of this author’s series centered around detective Helen Grace. space speaker DKnight Magicbox Speaker Small and not expensive and just exactly what I wanted: a decent-sounding mobile speaker that plays music from my phone. space browwiz Anastasia Brow Wiz My favorite brow tool at the moment. Great texture, easy to apply, blends really well. Expensive but worth it. space maclongwear MAC Pro Longer Concealer My latest weapon in the war against eye circles. Awesome coverage, matte finish, and a little bit goes a long, long way. space station11 Station Eleven, by Emily St. John Mandel Every good thing you've heard about this book is true. It's seamlessly woven together, a gorgeously heartbreaking gratitude practice that completely defies its genre. space blackout Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, by Sarah Hepola I knew this was going to be amazing because, well, Sarah Hepola. You don’t have to be a recovering drunk for this unflinching story to resonate, anyone who’s had to pick up the pieces and start over will find something hopeful here. space [More things I like...]