Pants can basically go fuck themselves. If something’s a little too tight or hits at the wrong spot, it’s worse than eating a pound of broccoli with a baked-beans chaser. Nothing will cause me to painfully inflate Goodyear-style like high-waisted denim, yet the low rise styles are equally bad because of the Ruptured Pillsbury Can effect. Those flattering, swoopy yoga pants have all been replaced by leggings, which almost always have thin elastic bands that dig into your belly oh and also they’re leggings. My ass is not in sausage-casing-display shape at the moment so no thanks, and ditto to fucking skinny jeans which I am SO. OVER.

There are now two choices: I can moisturize my feet with a thick oily lotion before I slide into bed, or I can wake up with hooves in the morning. Like actual hooves. Wildebeest hooves.

My knees have always sounded like they’re packed with ballbearings but now my elbows are joining the party. I was lowering myself into a noisy pushup at the gym the other day and the elderly lady next to me said, “Glucosamine, honey.”

The increasingly-frequent game of What’s That Skin Thing?

I was watching the cats playing in the sunroom and I found myself admiring the liquid grace of their movements. That was the exact phrase I thought of: Liquid grace. I’m a middle-aged lady with three cats, to whom I mentally assign NC-17 fanfic-sounding descriptives.

Do you need a tissue? Because I have some in my purse. A shitload of them, actually. They’re crumpled and dusty but they work just fine. I also have mints.

I saw one of those Facebook things the other day where you make a phrase out of the the color of your underwear and the last thing you ate, and my answer was “Beige Spinach.” I can’t remember if that was supposed to be my band name or my porn name, but either way it’s pretty tragic. I guess Beige Spinach, porn star, is probably worse, but on the plus side you know there’s at least one person out there whose ultra-specific kink would finally be fulfilled. (With liquid grace, he ran his tongue along her skin, which was neither milky white nor tan but somewhere in between…)

I used to wonder when I’d finally feel like a grownup. You know, someone worthy of the terrifying responsibility of, say, parenthood. But lately I’ve been finding comfort in the belief that while age brings experience and hopefully some wisdom, I think for the most part we never stop feeling like Space Dog.

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