I just noticed my container of fake coffee creamer has this annoying Good to Remember! tip printed on the side: A good rule of thumb is to know how much COFFEE-MATE® you use. A single serving is one tablespoon. Use in moderation for your perfect cup.

Dude, no one who uses creamer puts in one tablespoon. If I did that I wouldn’t have my perfect cup, I’d have a slightly-less-black cup that’s full of sadness and deprivation. In fact, you can just stop creamer-shaming my lack of moderation, milk derivative packaging, because I choose NOT to know how many calories worth of partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil I’m downing each morning. In my world a creamer serving is a beefy glug-glug pour, not some pansy-ass trickle that I fussily measure into a spoon. So take your rule of thumb and jam it up your ass. SIDEWAYS.

Hooboy. Okay, it’s possible I’m feeling a little testy about my coffee requirements lately because the daylight hours are rapidly dwindling and it’s always a shiteous adjustment. Every evening I find myself thinking how grateful I am that it’s almost bedtime because wow, the kids are really kind of driving me up a wall with all their shouty indoor obnoxiousness, and then I look at the clock and what the fuck, it’s 6:34 PM. And let me tell you, that stretch between 6:34 and 8:00 does not adhere to the fundamental concepts of Newtonian time.

It’s also pitch black when I get up, which makes me feel all bleak and unsettled, like I’m getting ready to head to the airport. What used to be a perfectly reasonable time of day — even a bird-chirpingly cheery time of day — now comes with a walloping existential crisis. O, what is my purpose in this world, I think woefully, as I trudge out to the kitchen. Soon enough the sky lightens and the house comes to life and I lose that sensation of floating, disconnected, in a meaningless void of ontological insecurity, but until then? You’d better believe I’m adding as much Frankencream as I goddamned want.


25 Responses to “Shut up, Coffee-Mate”

  1. m on October 20th, 2015 10:08 am
  2. Jane K on October 20th, 2015 10:11 am

    Ok wow this was me this morning! amen sista.

  3. Julie on October 20th, 2015 10:16 am

    Hear freakin’ hear! She says as she pours in enough creamer to make her coffee turn beige.

  4. Carmen on October 20th, 2015 10:24 am

    I nodded in solidarity throughout this whole post. I’m a firm believer that the world would generally be a better place if no one had to get out of bed when it’s dark out. Business hours should adjust with the day length because you’re right, it’s a soul-crushing feeling to get up before the sun.

  5. JudithNYC on October 20th, 2015 10:46 am

    Exactly. With me it’s the carrageenan in evaporated milk. Everything I eat is vegan, mostly organic, no sugar, etc etc., except for a big glug of evaporated milk in the morning. Well, two huge glugs because it takes two cups of tea for me to reach the point of thinking life is worth living if only for one more day.

    And don’t get me started on the lack of sunshine/cold. I lived in Eugene for 20 years and it messed me up BAAAAAAAD. At least we get more sun-days in NYC.

  6. Kim on October 20th, 2015 11:09 am

    I stayed home from work yesterday for the sole reason that it was 37 degrees and dark when I woke up and I thought, NOPE.

  7. Jessica on October 20th, 2015 11:21 am

    Up at 3:30 this morning – had about a pitcher of half and half in my biggest coffee cup. Because I make the strongest, most potent carafe of coffee in the entire land. And I just couldn’t face it without the dairy fat. It is cold and dark for a long time at 3:30 in the morning.

  8. Rachel on October 20th, 2015 11:30 am

    This time of year makes me want to bundle up in soft knit things and drink hot cocoa in front of a fire, but it’s been so fricken hot and dry in California that I just feel smothered by the darkness bookending my days. Also my chimney flue is unsafe, which means no fires, even if we do get enough cold precipitation to warrant it. I don’t even like creamer, but I feel like I should go get some, just to spite morning.

  9. Jen on October 20th, 2015 11:38 am

    I get you. A lot. Thanks for the smile :)

  10. Emma on October 20th, 2015 11:51 am

    I personally enjoy my cup o’ Coffee-Mate with a tablespoon of coffee.

  11. Ter on October 20th, 2015 12:13 pm

    Get the eff outta my head! I snorted my “too much creamer” coffee reading this. The only acceptable amount of creamer for coffee is the amount which makes the level of the coffee rise in the cup. I had similar thoughts about sugar until I learned I was prone for diabeetus and promptly knocked that off.

  12. Olivia on October 20th, 2015 12:37 pm

    Hell, yeah. I drink coffee for the warmth and caffeine, not the flavor. Gimme all the fake French vanilla.

  13. Jamey Marshall on October 20th, 2015 1:40 pm

    Please unsubscribe me from your mailing list. Thank you

  14. Becky on October 20th, 2015 6:07 pm

    You just get me

  15. sandy on October 21st, 2015 2:23 am

    bwahahaha! I love it! I am a glug glug coffee creamer type myself……seriously, one tablespoon?? Those are probably the same people that measure out there freaking peanut butter too! I’m with ya girl.

  16. Fern on October 21st, 2015 6:22 am


    Haven’t tried this yet, but sure looks good ;)

  17. Katharine on October 21st, 2015 8:08 am

    I love you.

  18. Jean Walsh on October 21st, 2015 8:30 am

    Hilarious and YES!

  19. Heather on October 21st, 2015 2:08 pm

    I second the BUY A HAPPY LIGHT vote! I live with mine all winter and I just sent one off to my son who goes to college (after being raised in Manhattan) in Northern Scotland. IT.IS.A.LIFE.SAVER.

  20. Amy on October 23rd, 2015 9:45 am

    I love the word shiteous.

  21. Kristi on October 23rd, 2015 12:30 pm

    Jamey Marshall is stupid.

  22. Valarie on October 24th, 2015 1:37 pm

    OMG – you are so freaking funny. And clever. And exactly on point.
    I hope you realize that there are many of us out here who really “get you” and appreciate your humor and honesty.
    Thank you!

  23. Mia on October 24th, 2015 6:59 pm

    I get my coffee from McD’s w/extra cream, take a few sips on my way to work & then at work glug glug more French vanilla creamer into it. I like my coffee more like vanilla milk w/a hint of coffee flavor.

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