You’ve come to expect the mail every day. Okay, maybe there are a few schedule anomalies: days when you get more than one delivery, or a regular delivery and then a surprise repeat visit shortly thereafter because there was an extra package, or the mail doesn’t arrive at all because the system is taking a break. But generally, there’s a schedule with some measure of predictability.

Except sometimes you know the mail is supposed to be delivered — maybe you got a special notification, or maybe the mail didn’t arrive yesterday and so you know it’s for sure on its way with more volume than usual, whether that’s a bunch of useless flyers or a big old heavy padded envelope — and yet nothing shows up, and you’re like, what the fuck? You can see the truck out there on the street, so what’s the problem? I mean it’s not like your entire life is on hold while you wait to see if the mail is going to arrive, necessarily, but it sure would be nice to get back on track. You don’t want postal entropy, because who knows where that leads? Discomfort with the quality of service, to be sure, but also lingering questions about the carrying capacity of one mailbox, and perhaps concern over unexpected future deliveries.

“I’ll be there in a minute!” the guy says from the truck, offering a cheery wave, but he doesn’t budge. Or maybe he slips, like, a single leaflet in your direction, but you know damn good and well you’ve got more than some flimsy circular addressed to “Occupant.”

Basically, what you want is an easier route from point A to point B. Something to expedite the process from truck to mailbox because who knows what’s causing the delay but clearly this entire situation needs to aim towards maximum productivity with minimum wasted effort. Deliveries should arrive in a streamlined, orderly manner, by God, and NONE of us should have to wait by the window for half the morning while some misguided resource reroutes a package for tomorrow at 7 PM. (Anything later than immediately after a 3 PM caffeine break is a hostile act and will be received with great reluctance.)

And this, my friends, is why I heartily and sincerely recommend the Squatty Potty.


25 Responses to “Every story contains three parts: the beginning, the middle, and the twist.”

  1. Anonymous on October 27th, 2015 3:22 pm

    they should use this for their marketing

  2. Brenda on October 27th, 2015 3:24 pm

    This is brilliant – you are very clever :)

  3. Kelly on October 27th, 2015 4:04 pm

    Ha! For a while there I was sure you were talking about waiting for one’s period to come when suspicious about pregnancy or perimenopause.

  4. Caroline on October 27th, 2015 6:00 pm

    You, dear woman, are my favorite part of the Internet.

  5. Jen T on October 27th, 2015 7:00 pm

    You are the best.

  6. Morgan on October 27th, 2015 7:13 pm

    This/you are amazing. And now I need to buy one.

  7. Brooke on October 27th, 2015 8:12 pm

    Pure genius!

  8. Elizabeth_k on October 27th, 2015 9:31 pm

    My husband and I bought a house and the tub is directly in front of the toilet, perfect for putting feet up and angling for an easy, tidy delivery. I try to talk my husband into trying it, but you know how stubborn men can be. Everything is easier when between too unnatural and too natural. My husband and I are still laughing at this awesome post.

  9. Kim on October 28th, 2015 2:33 am

    While this is very relevant to my life, I’ve been wondering for days your thoughts on this week’s TWD. Because UGH.

  10. sheilah on October 28th, 2015 11:50 am

    When my son was young (like under 5 or 6?), he used to squat on the toilet (both feet on the seat, squat down). Maybe he was on to something.

  11. Pam on October 29th, 2015 6:50 am

    I missed your posts so very much! :)

  12. Amy on October 29th, 2015 1:26 pm

    I liked this when I thought it was a rant about the post office (*shakes fist*) and then I loved it when I realized it was about the pooping. Good show!

  13. Donna on October 29th, 2015 11:46 pm

    Been using a child’s step stool for years. Amazing. Seriously.

  14. Molly on October 30th, 2015 6:53 am

    I live in South Korea and The squaty potty is everywhere. Buuuuuuuuut, it’ can be a little gross when it’s in a public bathroom. Just sayin

  15. Jo on November 3rd, 2015 9:58 am

    Saw it on Shark Tank. Immediately bought one! Like that night, on amazon.

    My sister saw one at bedbathbeyond & sent me a haha pic…I said…I HAVE that.

    She STILL thinks I’m kidding.

    It’s awesome. Especially now that I’m getting the OLDS.

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    I mean … I love everything about this post, and THEN I went to the website and there is a unicorn that poops rainbows. Made. My. Day.

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