Have you seen those articles about how crappy clothes are piling up in landfills? Apparently a whopping 10.5 million tons gets thrown away every year, probably because of places like H&M and Old Navy where you can a massive tub of sorta-trendy mostly-shitty stuff and feel like you saved money, even though it would have made more sense to buy one decent shirt instead of seventy-eight ill-fitting mostly transparent tops with a halfhearted blort of glitter dumped down the front to make it seem dressy.

I am absolutely to blame for at least a third of the landfill problem, I’m certain of it. I tell myself over and over and OVER again: don’t buy clothes at any place with pumped-in music that sounds vaguely familiar because it’s been run through some sort of algorithm that makes every song appealing to harried moms who are just throwing things over their arms willy-nilly, not even bothering to try it on because we all want to delay the magical hope that the $4.99 dress is going to be flattering and not, in fact, look like a moth-eaten barley sack that’s been blasted by a crew of vision-impaired burros trained to stomp on fabric dye dispensers, don’t DO it. If the place selling clothes also sells cat litter and novelty yogurt flavors like “Chunks N’ Flecks: Birthday Cake Batter Surprise!” or “XTREME BERRY D-STROYR,” don’t ALSO buy the leggings designed to look like they have belt loops as if anything called a “jegging” is going to look like anything other than a half-chewed denim sausage casing once you haul it over your shocked, recoiling midsection.

But I never listen to my own self. I have this thing coming up — a cruise! I’m going on a BOAT, you guys! — and I am inappropriately excited about the chance to swan around the deck on formal night pretending like we’re not all terrified of getting norovirus or attacked by pirates or being forced to shit in a bucket for half the journey. And of course I’ve been like, I have NOTHING for a cruise, so I’d better do some shopping! Which is why I’m bringing a suitcase full of Bedazzled t-shirts with necklines that are supposed to be on trend but really just expose one nipple while cutting off circulation in the opposite armpit, along with at least five pairs of cheap pants that promised to do amazing things to my ass but in fact just channel Jessica Simpson’s infamous Mom Jeans look, complete with gapping pockets and a butt crack that rivals the Grand Canyon.

Afterwards, I’ll consider donating everything, but it will have fallen apart/self-immolated out of shame, and thus: LANDFILL WASTE. I am everything wrong with America, including the fact that I figured the best place to complain about this was on my long-defunct blog, which may or may not send out spammy notifications once I hit publish, sorry in advance if you got a penis pill link from me, I promise I am not trying to increase your penis size, I’m sure your penis is just fine the way it is, and if not there’s surely an Old Navy solution to hide your micro-dong, for only $3, plus you can buy makeup in the checkout line as long as you figure an ingredient list that includes freaky synthetic petrochemicals is fine, which I totally do because dude, it’s ON SALE.

Comments

35 Responses to “Trashy”

  1. Kristin on September 14th, 2016 9:13 am

    You just popped up in my feedly and made my day. I miss your writing and hope you are doing well.

  2. Amy on September 14th, 2016 9:34 am

    Ditto what Kristin said! Have a great trip. Fingers crossed you don’t have to shit in a bucket. :)

  3. Rose on September 14th, 2016 11:54 am

    Closet full of those tops and pants. I’m sure they’d all look fabulous once I lose 20 lbs.

  4. Anne on September 14th, 2016 12:13 pm

    So many links to so many medications but now maybe I should get ahead of giardia? Fun to see you back.

  5. Carmen on September 14th, 2016 1:32 pm

    I was also quite happy to see this pop up in my feeds! My kids and I have many armloads full of clothes from there – so if you have filled 1/3 of the landfill, I’ve got another 1/3 covered.

  6. honeybecke on September 14th, 2016 2:52 pm

    Hey, friend! I hop skipped on over here to see whats up. So glad to see you’re back, creative and funny as ever! Where are you going on your cruise?
    All those clothes do get a bazillion holes in them, don’t they. It took me awhile to figure out that they are just shit and that my washing machine/dryer isn’t responsible.

  7. Tess on September 14th, 2016 3:18 pm

    Hello,
    I miss your writing! I am glad you are back, if only temporarily. If you are going on a Disney Cruise, let me know, I can give you tons of tips! I hope you are well!

  8. Linda on September 14th, 2016 3:45 pm

    Hey, honeybecke! The cruise goes from Seattle to Astoria, to SF, then up to Victoria before going back to Seattle. I’m going with my mom and aunt, am v. excited!

  9. sooboo on September 14th, 2016 8:08 pm

    Yay! Sundry blog post!! Even things I buy that I like and want to keep awhile tend to pill up so I end up throwing them away anyway. Your cruise sounds awesome! And during a time of the year that won’t be crazy.

  10. Mel on September 14th, 2016 10:37 pm

    Oh I’ve missed your voice. So happy. Also: You’re going to be on a boat!

  11. NancyB on September 15th, 2016 3:37 am

    Yay! You’re back!
    I love buying 10 shirts for $3 because there’s more to ignore in my closet and say I have nothing to wear! Someday I will throw away everything and really have nothing to wear.
    Have a great trip – I’ve never been on a cruise. That’s sounds like a really nice one

  12. Aubrey on September 15th, 2016 4:16 am

    Well this totally made my morning! Have a fun trip. Hope your clothes don’t fall apart in the middle of the ocean!

  13. Emma on September 15th, 2016 4:17 am

    A cruise, awesome! On the upside of all this: you probably won’t loose the 5 dollar sunglasses you found at Target – they’ll sit in your purse forever. You always leave the 289,99 dollar ex tax Ray Bans somewhere you can’t remember.

    PS I hope the little shop you’ll run with with your mum and aunt (from your cabin) will help towards the one-shirt-a-year goal. I’m sure all the stuff your blog added at the end of the post will be an easy sell on the ship: ed trial packs viagra 100mg + viagra super active 20 $64.00 | detox antabuse 500mg pills $111.00 | detox liv.52 ds 60 tablets bottle $315.00 | sildenafil oral jelly | viagra next day delivery | adhd strattera 10mg pills $118.00 | prednisone 20mg pills $118.00 | clopidogrel 75mg pills $132.00 | legally purchase viagra | ed trial packs cialis oral jelly 20mg + viagra oral jelly 100mg $249.00 | v-gel 30ml tube $161.00

  14. Cobwebs on September 15th, 2016 4:39 am

    I was just thinking the other day that I hadn’t seen any posts from this blog in forever.

    As Emma notes above, visible in the RSS feed (and hidden on the page but visible if you view source) are a ton of spammy links. Google “spam link injection” for tips on how to get rid of that.

  15. Barb on September 15th, 2016 5:54 am

    How many years have you had this blog…? And still, each time I see “Sundry Mourning,” my head immediately starts blasting No Doubt’s “Sunday Morning” as apparently it is located on one of the few pre-children brain cells that have survived pregnancy, toddlers, preteens, tweens, and now teens. Frankly, there are days that I am amazed I remember my own name (okay, that’s every day).

    SO GLAD to see you returning to writing here. I’ve missed you. I hope you have a wonderful trip. :)

  16. Karen on September 15th, 2016 7:27 am

    So glad you are writing again!

  17. Amy on September 15th, 2016 8:31 am

    Day made! I’ve missed you writing!

  18. Sunny on September 15th, 2016 10:12 am

    Fuck yeah! Welcome back.

  19. Em on September 15th, 2016 12:42 pm

    So excited for a new post!

    I also shop this way – and the clothes almost always look bad/fall apart after one washing.

    A tip for those interested: the recycling company in my city actually recycles old clothes! Just something to look into if you want to avoid the dreaded landfill.

  20. Meagan on September 15th, 2016 3:19 pm

    Your post popped up in my RSS feed… along with a huge text chunk of viagra, vaginal gel, and other sexy pharmaceutical hyperlinks!

    Anyway, I frequently find I’m just as disappointed with the clothing that’s more expensive and therefore theoretically built to last as the Old Navy grabs. I think it’s all designed to disintegrate after 5 washes or so these days.

    Enjoy your cruise!

  21. Kristen on September 16th, 2016 7:49 am

    Nothing to say, other than I’m happy to see you writing again! I speak for all of us here when I say YAY, Sundry!!!!

  22. camille on September 16th, 2016 10:54 am

    Seeing this post completely made my day, and then made me laugh hysterically. I hope you’re coming back here more often. I’ve missed you. Have fun on your cruise!

  23. Mnerva on September 17th, 2016 9:32 pm

    So happy for both a new post & to hear about your cruise! Have a wonderful time, and know that many, many of us have the shitty $3 shirts, etc. Also, I loved the allusion to Brooklyn! 😉

  24. Mary Clare on September 19th, 2016 6:01 am

    How dare you buy cheap clothes by bad retailer who is responsible for all evil?!? Just kidding. I’m gleeful to see a post by you. Enjoy your trip.

  25. Deanna on September 20th, 2016 5:42 am

    Hey! It’s nice to hear your voice again! Enjoy what sounds like a super lovely trip. I hope you’re well.

  26. Shawna on September 20th, 2016 10:37 am

    I am the polar opposite of you in this respect: I have the hugest mental block throwing out clothes! Yes, even clothes that I know are in too rough shape to be accepted as donations. Even clothes with holes that have been worn in them, not torn, and therefore can’t really be mended. It just seems like such a waste!

    I keep saying I’ll make rags out of them, but when is the last time I sat down and scissored up old clothes to make rags? I can’t specify an exact time, but it was sometime before the-big-pile-of-clothes-destined-to-be-rags started forming on the bottom of my linen closet, which was certainly over a year ago.

    I’m inspired by your post! Maybe I’ll manage to throw stuff like that out in my fall cleaning!

  27. Andrea Barton on September 20th, 2016 4:43 pm

    Welcome back! I have so missed your humor Good luck on your cruise! We went on a cruise a few years ago and I was so worried I has going to pray to the porcelain God the whole time but thanks to Dramamine all was good. You will have the best time ever. I promise!

  28. Mary on September 21st, 2016 5:29 am

    Well, it’s pretty clear you have been missed!!

    I am also everything that is wrong with this world. I have a closet full of stuff that kind of fits but I don’t like that much, and then I wear the same jeans and tank tops day in and day out and then also wear a uniform for work, so why do I need so many clothes? I use online shopping the same way I use food…as a way to even out the rough edges of the world and try to keep everything kind of smooth. It does not work any better than food, and the flush of shame when the four boxes of new random stuff I bought off the internet arrive at my front door feels just as bad as a pint of ice cream for dinner does.

    On the top of my to-do list is a closet cleanout in an attempt to get rid of things I don’t like and KNOW that I don’t want to wear. Maybe I will do that when I finish commenting on this here blog of yours instead of continuing to sit on my couch and watch a rerun of House from 2008. Hmmm…

  29. Frema on September 24th, 2016 7:53 pm

    Hooray! So happy to see you here. :)

  30. k on September 26th, 2016 8:03 am

    I’m so happy to read anything you have to say! Yay! Hope your trip is/was awesome! (And that you come back here and post about it ;))

  31. Cynthea on September 27th, 2016 4:29 pm

    MISS YOU!

  32. Kerry on September 29th, 2016 7:51 pm

    So glad to see you back!

  33. Mike Wilson on September 30th, 2016 9:36 pm

    Damn, I just happened to look, and here is an entry… and it is probably the funniest entry I’ve read in YEARS!

  34. Mike Wilson on September 30th, 2016 9:36 pm

    Damn, I just happened to look, and here is an entry… and it is probably the funniest entry I’ve read in YEARS!

  35. Lori on November 4th, 2016 12:10 pm

    So glad you are back!!! Awesome! Makes my day!

Leave a Reply