I remember being obsessed with woven friendship bracelets and scratch n’ sniff stickers and jelly shoes and beaded safety pins when I was Riley’s age, and I suspect some of you who are of a similar vintage know exactly what I’m talking about. How did these things even come to be? One day we’re fighting over the last Cabbage Patch doll, the next we’ve all inexplicably decided to spend our recess time buried under piles of embroidery floss in pursuit of that pain-in-the-ass chevron pattern.

80’s fads may have been cheesy and overly dependent on neon-tinted silicone, but at least they weren’t noisy. I wish my kids would beg for a certain style of pants or a nice silent Trapper Keeper, but no, everything they’re into is LOUD AS HELL.

Dabbing was mostly quiet, if visually annoying, but it came with an unfortunate side serving of that godawful Migos song (lyrics: “Look at my dab! Bitch, dab!” *repeat 9034829537329856 times), plus the WTFuckery of yelling “Dab out!” before leaving a room. Bottle flipping — kerthunk! Kerthunk! Kerthunk! — was banished to the garage, where it still echoed throughout the house and was constantly accompanied by earsplitting shouts of “OHHHHHHHH” and “I AM THE ONE DON’T WEIGH A TON!!!”

Now it’s fidget spinners. All day long: VSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, and then the startling clonk! of someone inevitably dropping one on a hard surface, not to mention the constant bickering over whose fidget is spinning faster it’s mine no it’s mine hey you cheated no you cheated OMG KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE I CRAM THAT THING WHERE IT’S REALLY GOING TO MAKE YOU FIDGET.

I have no idea what will come sweeping through the elementary-school set next, but I hope it doesn’t involve any sort of vocalization or movement. In fact, I say us parents band together to bring back the mannequin challenge, only without the song and featuring today’s hottest new trend: a fashionable strip of duct tape across the mouth.

Comments

18 Responses to “Dab, flip, spin, STFU”

  1. Pete on May 11th, 2017 10:55 am

    WTF, they can reduce ADHD, Autism, Stress, Boredom, and help you focus. If only I had one of them when I was a child. I guess we had Lawn Darts which did the same thing if you think about it.

  2. Emily on May 11th, 2017 11:07 am

    1)Obviously you don’t have girls otherwise slime would also be mentioned here (oh the tears when we’re out of shaving cream!) 2) I keep telling myself the bottle flipping, spinners and slime are at least keeping them off their devices – it’s like they are craving something that is not driven by technology.

  3. raych on May 11th, 2017 11:30 am

    LOL! duct tape!

  4. Angela on May 11th, 2017 11:33 am

    As a Mom of 9 year old twin boys, AND a middle school teacher… A-to-the-freakin-MEN!!! My patience can only take so much…

  5. jennbb33 on May 11th, 2017 11:41 am

    Fidget cubes I thought would be my manna but they still make subtle noises.
    Sighhhhhhhhhhhh
    And if I lock them outside they might break a window.

  6. Kristi on May 11th, 2017 12:06 pm

    F U fidget spinners. The end.

  7. Crys on May 11th, 2017 12:20 pm

    As a mom of a 15 year old – ALL ANNOYING AF!!!

  8. sooboo on May 11th, 2017 1:06 pm

    I still make friendship bracelets, lol!

  9. Hanna Nelson on May 11th, 2017 1:17 pm

    When my (ADHD) guy asked his teacher if he could use his, she said “I don’t want to see or hear it.” First day (probably first hour), it clunked to the floor. It stays home now.

  10. Jessica V on May 11th, 2017 1:45 pm

    Oh the effing fidget spinners! My kids like to watch YouTube videos of people spinning them…while they are also spinning them, right outside my bedroom door at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning. The first time they dropped it and woke me up – the spinner was hurled outside with a suggestion that they follow it.

  11. Melissa h on May 11th, 2017 2:15 pm

    Has homemade slime hit yet? It’s going strong in Sacramento. If it hasn’t hit may I suggest you go buy all the school glue you can right now while you can? It’s messy but it’s mostly quiet :)

  12. Sande on May 11th, 2017 2:19 pm

    Oh man…you brought me right back to my youth in that first paragraph. Thank you!!! As I was washing my daughter’s hair last night I seriously asked her if she could just stop talking for 5 minutes. She couldn’t. She is into Knock Knock jokes right now and after playing along for 5 minutes one day I finally could not take it anymore. She said Knock Knock and I replied No one is home. That silenced her for about one minute.

  13. Tessie on May 11th, 2017 4:21 pm

    I was also going to mention slime. Is it not as popular with the boys? My daughter’s school got new carpet this year (THE YEAR OF THE SLIME) and LOL RAGRETS.

  14. Donna on May 12th, 2017 4:57 am

    OMG KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE I CRAM THAT THING WHERE IT’S REALLY GOING TO MAKE YOU FIDGET.

    I laughed out loud at work when I read that!!

  15. Katherine on May 12th, 2017 10:41 am

    Okay, not being a parent (Whaa??? Don’t throw me out of the mommyblog!), I had to look up what a Fidget Spinner was. First video I clicked on is one I think you’ll enjoy.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ge_22K0UTIY

  16. Sara on May 12th, 2017 10:42 am

    My only solace is that I work at a library, which is quiet 50% of the time. Because at home both of my kids wake up talking, talk all damn day, talk after I turn out the lights, and talk in their sleep. #teamducttape

  17. Shes on May 12th, 2017 11:03 am

    Totally relate to it all, with my 10 year old daughter. Don’t forget the Whip and Nae Nae, & the Rubik’s Cube!!

  18. Betsy on May 22nd, 2017 10:13 am

    Oh, I am so right there (boys 8 and 5). 5- year old gets frustrated when his isn’t spinning quite fast enough and so he throws it, so that’s fun. And the goddam beyblades too. NOISE POLLUTION

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