Years ago when I was so unsure about having children, I didn’t know how I’d ever come to a decision one way or the other. In the end it was a leap of faith more than anything resembling certainty; a terrified here-goes-nothing plunge off the high dive.

What would it have been like, knowing what I know now?

I’d have understood how my happiness and peace of mind would become dependent on the happiness and peace of mind of people whose emotions and comprehension were in a constant state of flux. How my sense of self would often feel lost and buried under the rubble of motherhood, how what I did each day would go unseen and unappreciated.

I’d have known that confidence and validation was never going to be part of this gig for me: each year would be a blundering foray into the unknown, each day would bring reasons to doubt myself and useless wishes for outside assurances and internal conviction.

I’d have seen how the slippery nature of time would at first stretch the hours into achingly dull periods that felt as though they would never end, then send the earth spinning at such a dizzying pace the very best views would be there and gone, there and gone. How it would become obvious that there is no real difference between letting go and losing your grip. Good times, bad times, nothing stays the same.

I would have caught a glimpse of the indescribable magic behind all these things and more. The way motherhood is both small and expansive, a rut and a telescope. How it has torn me down and built me up and left me with a heart brimming over with not one overriding emotion but every complicated point in the spectrum.

Is it worth it? I might have asked, once upon a time.

Only if what you want is everything, I’d say now.

A post shared by Linda Sharps (@sundry) on

Comments

11 Responses to “Mother’s day”

  1. Pat on May 12th, 2017 5:15 pm

    You are such an incredible writer. It’s so true…it’s wonderful and awful and harder than anything you’ll ever do. And your heart gets broken and other times it is more full than you could ever imagine. Thank you

  2. Kelly on May 12th, 2017 6:08 pm

    Absolutely. One of the things I thought about most before having a kid was that it would absolutely take someone else’s welfare to the most important thing in my life and permanently make my priorities crystal clear. It did, but it’s still not always clear for any particular decision which will be the best option to serve that top priority.

  3. Trish on May 13th, 2017 6:17 am

    So stunningly written and spot on, once again. Your writing is so warm and lovely. Happy Mother’s Day!

  4. anne nahm on May 13th, 2017 7:28 am

    no fair making me tear up before coffee!

  5. Annie on May 13th, 2017 10:54 am

    gorgeous writing

  6. Alison on May 13th, 2017 5:11 pm

    Yes. And so beautifully written.

  7. Michelle on May 14th, 2017 7:14 am

    Spot on and beautifully written. Happy Mothers Day.

  8. Jen T on May 15th, 2017 5:20 am

    You always have an amazing way of describing the indescribable. Motherhood is much harder and more frustrating and all consuming than I ever could have imagined, and it’s also the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

  9. camille on May 15th, 2017 7:55 am

    Yes. All of it.

  10. solange on May 15th, 2017 1:16 pm

    “How it would become obvious that there is no real difference between letting go and losing your grip.”

    This floored me. So true for motherhood and all of life. Thank you for this.

  11. Em on May 15th, 2017 2:26 pm

    So well said. Thank you for writing it.

    I experienced one of those feelings the other day – staring at my almost 6-year-old. Wasn’t she just a baby? Whoosh.

Leave a Reply




  • Stuff I Like: