— A washing machine that flips all my kids’ inside-out clothes the right way

— Kitchen cabinet doors that quietly swing shut on their own after sensing that they’ve been left open for more than a minute

— A Facebook algorithm that can detect whether I’ve already seen That One Article Everyone Keeps Sharing and spares me from the follow-up backlash thinkpiece titled “A Keyword-Heavy Rebuttal from Someone Angling for the Gold in the More Woke Than You Olympics ”

— A workout video in which the instructor complains and swears the entire time

— Drone-powered giant foam index fingers that fly in and press firmly against the lips of any clerk who doesn’t take “no thanks” for an answer when it comes to those fucking loyalty cards

— An avocado ripeness notification app

Total Recall-style nail polish

— A toilet seat that delivers a long-distance harmless but decidedly uncomfortable electric shock when it receives excessive amounts of moisture

— Sharpies with child-proof locks on the caps

— Bags of cherries that come with a pop-up warning after you’ve eaten more than a handful: Are you sure you wish to continue? Y/N

Comments

19 Responses to “An incomplete list of inventions I’m hoping for in 2017”

  1. Cara on May 18th, 2017 10:35 am

    I thought for sure the swearing work out video existed, but Google let me down. It did, however, show me there is F*ck That: An Honest Meditation. So, that’s something.

  2. Michelle on May 18th, 2017 10:43 am

    Seconded. I am in total agreement with this entire list. :)

  3. Celeste on May 18th, 2017 12:12 pm

    This is brilliant and for sure better than many of the listicles I’ve read on McSweeneys or The New Yorker. 👏

  4. Carmen on May 18th, 2017 2:34 pm

    Agreed. I’d even take the prototype laundry gadget that only does socks. I don’t mind turning the rest right-side out. But socks are the death of me.

    My husband has never, not once to my knowledge, closed a kitchen cupboard. I would pay THOUSANDS of dollars for those doors.

    After many many years of throwing out avocados, my husband and I finally have it figured out. We buy them at Costco when they are hard and green, then let them sit on the counter until they give only slightly, then we toss them in the fridge where they’ll last a week or more. But it took us about 10 years to get to this point. An app would certainly have helped!

  5. Gigi on May 18th, 2017 2:39 pm

    Yes to all of them but YES, YES, YES, to the washing machine! Dear God, it’s 2017 this should be possible.

  6. Em on May 18th, 2017 3:08 pm

    Love it. And can the washing machine gadget also separate the underwear from the pants?

  7. TinaNZ on May 18th, 2017 5:04 pm

    Many times yes but especially the Foam Index Fingers, please.

  8. Al on May 18th, 2017 5:35 pm

    How about an algorithm for Instagram that shows me a post once. Just once.

  9. Danell on May 18th, 2017 7:21 pm

    Yes on allllll of these!

  10. April on May 19th, 2017 5:25 am

    childproof caps on Sharpies just means we’ll need them to open them for us.

  11. Shawna on May 19th, 2017 5:54 am

    I have to ask: what happens after more than a handful of cherries?

  12. Shawna on May 19th, 2017 5:57 am

    BTW, I don’t have a magic laundry machine that turns clothes right-side-out, but second best is what works for me: wash clothes how they’re left in the hamper, but make it the kids’ job to sort, fold, and put away the clothes after they come out of the dryer. If they want to wear the clothes right-side-out, they have to make sure they’re that way themselves. My kids are the same ages as yours, and this has been one of their chores for years.

  13. Shawna on May 19th, 2017 6:04 am

    Hm, that last comment of mine is a bit “assvice-y”. Sorry. But I’ve had this discussion with moms IRL who have kids older than mine and they are always astonished when I mention that this is a chore for my kids. It had literally never occurred to them that they didn’t have to do all the laundry tasks themselves. And some of their kids were teenagers!

  14. Mary Clare on May 19th, 2017 7:57 am

    Ha ha! My addition: a dishwasher that puts away all the dishes in the right place, including all the pieces of the kids water bottles all together.

  15. Pat on May 19th, 2017 8:41 am

    Great list! It’s now just my husband & I left at home and I don’t turn shirts or anything right side out. They get folded the way they went into the wash. Now as I’m typing this I recall sitting down at a nice restaurant a few months ago and looking across the table at my dear man with his shirt on inside out lol…he did rush to the washroom to reverse it!

  16. Jody on May 19th, 2017 9:16 am

    Please start a youtube channel of complainy/swearing workout videos. I need that in my life.

  17. Alexa on May 22nd, 2017 6:55 am

    How about a cliff notes app for every trending show? I like TV as much as the next person, but it’s getting impossible to keep up. Couldn’t someone summarize that shit for me? Episode recaps are good, but I need them all in one easy to find place, cause I’m lazy like that.

  18. nonsoccermom on May 22nd, 2017 10:30 pm

    I assume this laundry machine also unwads socks. Because I would pay many, many dollars if I never had to unwad another wet sock.

  19. Kelly on May 28th, 2017 1:26 pm

    >An avocado ripeness notification app

    And its spinoff, the pear ripeness notification app

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