I’ve been on a cut-wayyyyy-back-on-the-carbs food plan lately, which is a pretty big change from how I was eating during the holidays (“holidays” meaning the entire chocolate-smeared section of the calendar from Halloween to New Year’s, mind you) and for the frillionth time I am faced with the undeniable evidence that I just plain feel better when my diet doesn’t revolve around tortilla chips and frosting. Physically, mentally (like: bigtime), energy-wise, headache-wise, stomach-wise: better.

Now what would be great is if I would take this information, which I have experienced many many times, and commit to a self-care-focused long-term lifestyle which involves fueling my body in a way I know for a fact results in a healthier happier me as opposed to repeatedly having to course-correct after an uncontrollable downward slide into the land of Can Cookies Be Pulverized and Placed in an IV Bag? Let’s Find Out but 1) history does not indicate a high chance of success in this department, and 2) even in my most motivated state of being I cannot, repeat, cannot step away from the Splenda.

You know: Splenda. Sucralose. Those little yellow packets of PURE FUCKING HEAVEN.

Most current dietary advice now positions artificial sweeteners as The Absolute Worst, for a myriad of reasons ranging from toxicity to triggering spikes in blood sugar to being evil on account of synthetic things = bad. I’ve read all the suggestions to switch to things like Stevia, Truvia, Eryth … erythit … ritol, Swerve, monk fruit, and of course “a hint of honey.”

First, just stop it right there with your hint of anything. I’m not overly fond of honey but if I’m going to eat it I’m going to want an entire glorp, not a hint. If I were the sort of person who could be satisfied by a hint of anything I wouldn’t have half the problems I do, okay? As for the other sweeteners, I’ve tried them all and they run the spectrum from disappointing to downright hostile.

Nothing is as wonderful as Splenda, which I consider one of mankind’s greatest achievements. It elevates my coffee, it transforms my berries, it can be eaten directly out of a small prep bowl via moistened fingertip, not that I have ever done such a thing (OMG TRY IT WITH SEA SALT).

I feel like my devotion to Splenda, and its freakish effect on taste receptors — what is it, 600 times sweeter than sugar? — is indicative of a basic psychological makeup that probably can’t be altered at this point without trepanation. I like sweet stuff and I cannot lie.

Real sugar and processed carbs legitimately make me feel awful in a variety of ways and I have a terrible time staying away from them, which is why I’m always somewhere on the battle map with how I eat: either gathering forces and holding strong, or in full surrender.

But Splenda? Oh, man. When I’m feeling like this about cookies:

Splenda is all,


19 Responses to “Splenda in the grass”

  1. Kelly on January 16th, 2018 8:12 am
  2. Kim on January 16th, 2018 8:28 am

    I’m with you re: all of the above. And though logically I can get behind all the evil scary effects fake sugar can cause, I can’t deny how much better I feel when I’m using it vs. the real thing. Liquid (in the form of sugar free Torani coffee syrup), powdered, granulated, IV’d – it doesn’t matter. Splenda is the main tool that keeps my eating on track. It whispers to me like Pennywise down a drain and he doesn’t have to remind me that I too will float down there.

  3. April on January 16th, 2018 8:32 am

    I was marveling this week at how much better I feel now that I’m back on a healthy diet, but man, I miss all that terrible stuff.

  4. Lisa on January 16th, 2018 8:32 am

    “If I were the sort of person who could be satisfied by a hint of anything I wouldn’t have half the problems I do, okay?”
    Brilliance. I might have that tattooed across my ass (there’s plenty or room, see above).

  5. misguidedmommy on January 16th, 2018 9:19 am

    I went through this. A full year of constantly shouting “stop trying to change me, splenda is ALL I HAVE LEFT I’VE GIVEN UP EVERYTHING ELSE.” Then I read about all the gut problems with it, and I begrudgingly agreed to try Stevia. I was meh on it, until I discovered the Whole Foods 365 brand of vanilla flavored Stevia packets. THEY ARE AMAZING. They cost small fortune since they come in packets, but I don’t care. I love them. Vanilla stevia makes my coffee happy, it makes my smoothie good. It’s just good. I don’t even care if it’s $7.99 a box. You want me to give up my splenda, then you can fuck right off about the cost of my fancy vanilla stevia!

  6. Heather on January 16th, 2018 9:46 am

    Oh, I love splenda, too. And Coke Zero. I’m trying to maintain a “keto” diet so I tried Whole Earth and really am liking it. As much as I hate stevia the Whole Earth is not bad. That being said I’ve weaned myself off of sweetener in my coffee which makes me sad, so I’m just using the Whole Earth for my gross pretend almond flour cakes and when I make a smoothie with turmeric. Please expand more on how low carb is going for you and what you like to eat because I dont think I can eat anymore cheese, bacon, chicken, burger, lunch meat, zucchini noodles or pickles. I need some more ideas.

  7. Honeybecke on January 16th, 2018 10:15 am

    The Splenda packs of stevia/erythritol is what we’ve settled on. Neither spikes sugar levels and damnit, it actually tastes good. I’m finally on board with it (I was a sucralose lover for awhile too!)
    Well, I’m on the keto boat right now and really committed and it feels good to try again. I spiraled out of control after some losses last year and I’m finally finding some emotional footing with my eating.
    If you’re a sandwich girl let me tell you about my keto waffles: they are amazing. Savory waffles made into a sandwich that actually fucking tastes good. And I’m not easily fooled by anything other than the real deal. I also make them sweet with the Splenda stevia packs and essential lemon oil drops. Soooo good.
    Here’s the recipe (even though you didn’t ask for it, but I feel so strongly about these keto wafffles that I just can’t help myself!)

    So heres the recipe: 2 cups fine almond flour 1 TBS baking powder 2 beaten eggs 1/3 cup melted butter 1 1/2 tsp salt and about 1/2 cup sour cream or heavy whip. I add grated cheese to them for savory and add sweetner and lemon oil drops to make them sweet. Waffle maker those babies for awesome sandwiches or lemon waffles. Lots of butter on that waffle maker. Pesto, mayo and some kinda meat with lots of veggies makes this a seriously good sandwich.

  8. Lori on January 16th, 2018 12:24 pm

    This is how I feel about Diet Coke.

  9. Jen on January 16th, 2018 1:48 pm

    I used to feel this way about Diet Pepsi. I would melt into euphoria with the first sip every morning. One day it just made me completely ill. Headaches, post nasal drip, nausea. I can’t ingest artificial sweeteners without an immediate and intense reaction. But the ride was good while it lasted.

  10. sooboo on January 16th, 2018 2:13 pm

    It is so hard for me to go back to eating no processed sugar. The substitutes give me an irregular heartbeat so it’s not hard to pass on them. I’ve gotten used to stevia in my coffee and it’s better than nothing, but not by much. Also, it always makes me think of Lydia in Breaking Bad which is slightly disconcerting.

  11. Pam on January 16th, 2018 3:41 pm

    Lemme know when you figure it out…without trepanation. ;-) That struggle of doing something that makes me feel like $#!% is all too real.

  12. Jules on January 16th, 2018 9:03 pm

    Write a book. There are “bloggers” with way less insight on the true life struggles getting head pats and cash infusions. Do it for you.

  13. Mary Clare on January 17th, 2018 5:42 am

    Linda, so funny. I too am trying to stop worshiping at the sugar altar. Definitely feel good, just gotta figure out how to make it stick.

  14. Laura on January 17th, 2018 9:16 am

    Too funny! Actually I love a product called Swerve, its erythritol and some other ingredient I can’t remember, but its good! Even coms in powdered to make cool desserts! Good luck! I am on the same boat.

  15. Amber Lena on January 17th, 2018 10:41 am

    I’m just here for the word porn. Trepanation. Wow, good one. I had to look that up.

    Also, I just gave up my salted caramel Torani syrup in my coffee and IT SUCKS.

  16. Julie on January 18th, 2018 2:58 pm

    Once I turned 40 everything went to hell, including my ability to have artificial sweeteners. My body aches all over and I feel like I have the flu. I often walk past the soda machine and wipe away a tear thinking of the diet coke.

  17. Julie L. on January 18th, 2018 2:58 pm

    Once I turned 40 everything went to hell, including my ability to have artificial sweeteners. My body aches all over and I feel like I have the flu. I often walk past the soda machine and wipe away a tear thinking of the diet coke.

  18. Cyn on January 20th, 2018 10:29 am

    Can we agree those two movies should never share proximity again …

  19. Shawna on March 10th, 2018 1:56 pm

    I… hate and detest the very notion of any artificial sweetener. I have made a pinky swear with sugar that we’ll never leave each other, but with my family history of diabetes, I might just have to eventually just stop eating sweet stuff.

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