We recently decided to replace our carpeting which was a real mess: a mishmash of three different styles, two original and who knows how old; one room used as a sneaky pee zone by the cat, another sporting a faded orange macaroni and cheese stain from an Unfortunate Barf Incident. Also, right after we ordered the new carpeting John accidentally spilled a container of magenta printer toner, which definitely sealed the deal.

I am really pleased with the comfy new carpet, which is a Stainmaster style that’s amusingly called “Subtle Glamour” (“My, what is it about this poorly-lit room featuring cheap TJ Maxx wall decor and littered with filthy boy-socks? There’s just something so … glamorous about being in here”), but oh holy christ was it ever a giant pain in the ass to clear the rooms for each installation.

Bookshelves, bureaus, furniture, it all had to be picked up and located elsewhere, and the most challenging part by far was our 3-seater couch, which is one of those ridiculous WALL-E recliner deals that somehow weigh eleventeen jillion pounds because of the metal undercarriage. They’re all rounded edges, so there’s nothing to grab onto, and the whole thing had to be tilted on its side to get through a tight doorway, and all I can say is that during the whole process both John and I reenacted that classic Friends scene multiple times while playing both characters at once.

It’s all done now and hopefully we’ll never have to move all that crap again without burly professionals, and as part of my investment in not having to replace a urine-drenched floor covering any time soon I bought a cat litter box, because while I have been enormously resistant to doing so it’s clear our one outside/inside cat has become devoted to staying inside because our outside cats Mean Girl the shit out of her when she goes out (ugh this whole explanation is crumbling under the weight of terrible grammar, sorry but there are just SO MANY CATS).

The problem with the cat litter is that there is not one single place in our house where a box can be unobtrusively located. We don’t have a laundry room (the washer/dryer are in the garage), or a, I don’t know, random room isn’t a bedroom or kitchen or human bathroom. So I got one of those shit-igloo things, as recommended by a similarly space-restricted friend, and it is in the hallway, which is subtly glamorous AF.

And THEN we had to sort of … ease the cat into it, because her brain is basically a single Raisenette and at first she was like I WILL NOT STEP FOOT NEAR THIS TERRIFYING THUNDERDOME so we left the lid off for a while and did everything short of getting in the litter our own selves to show her it was an Emotional Safe Space and oh my god.

Anyway, that part wasn’t much fun, but it turns out the most unpleasant part about all the carpet-related wranglings wasn’t the heavy lifting or the litter box strategizing, but rather being confronted with what the underside of most of our tables looks like. Have you ever really looked under a table, particularly if you have kids?


22 Responses to “Magic carpet ride”

  1. Alison on April 23rd, 2018 11:08 am

    Oh lord. I am crying. And afraid to look under my tables. Similar situation at one of our old houses – we got a self-cleaning shit-igloo (motorized for extra kitty terror). There was an adjustment period but they did eventually catch on. I was going to recommend it (The Litter Robot) but I just looked it up and the newest iteration is ungodly expensive. It worked well, but whoa!

  2. Lori on April 23rd, 2018 11:24 am

    “her brain is basically a single Raisenette” – the best line

  3. Kim on April 23rd, 2018 11:33 am

    This inspired me to think up a name for our current 30-year-old, original to the house carpeting: Aging Oatmeal.

  4. Karen on April 23rd, 2018 11:45 am

    OMG Linda – your writing is amazing! I am dying, laughing so hard I may need to reapply my mascara. A trick to getting the cat in the new litter box – sprinkle cat nip in the box. It helped when I got my cat. I did nearly the same thing as you (crawl in the box myself). Also totally understand trying to find a place for the said box when you don’t have good place for it – mine is sort of hidden in the dining room next to a cedar chest. Love the igloo model as well…helps hid it as well as its contents.

  5. Melospiza on April 23rd, 2018 1:29 pm

    Fun fact: you have two boys.BOYSSSS. This means in a few short years you will NEVER LIFT ANYTHING HEAVY AGAIN.

    (Yes, girls are strong too and can and should pull their weight in moving/lifting things, blah blah blah.)

    My son is in high school and my marriage is so much better now that I never have to help with moving furniture or standing by seething in impatient spousal support while husband fixes something, saws something, nails something, or otherwise “needs a hand.”)

  6. Angela on April 23rd, 2018 1:35 pm

    Thank you, Melospiza, for pointing out this wonderful fun fact, this plus Linda’s post has considerably brightened my day. I am now envisioning the day when my 6 and 9-year old boys can Lift. All. The. Stuff! for me.

    (And yes, if I had girls they too would lift.)

  7. Gigi on April 23rd, 2018 1:38 pm

    I died when you mentioned looking under the table. I’m sure our old table could tell a tale or two when mine was small. It reminded of the time I walked into his room to put something away and thought, “Huh? What IS that?” As I peered closer at the wall above his bed, I realized it was boogers and was so utterly grossed out.

  8. Kathleen on April 23rd, 2018 4:46 pm

    We fixed our, where do we put the litter box, problem buy purchasing a cat sized animal door to put into the door that leads to the garage. We had to shove her through the first couple of times and show her where it was but she got the hang of it! And let me tell you the cat door in the kitchen is far more attractive than a poo-iglo.

  9. Donna Plumley Brubach on April 23rd, 2018 5:28 pm

    I’m having such a shit day and this was funny.

  10. sara on April 24th, 2018 7:12 am


  11. Kate on April 24th, 2018 7:15 am

    We have the same litter box space issue. For a long time we had it in the half bath, where your toes would be almost touching the box when you were sitting on the toilet. But our older cat refused to use it and kept pooping exactly where your toes would be. So after way too long of this, we litter trained him again by locking him in a big cage/crate with a litter box. And guess what – he loves the cage. He sat in there even when it was open. So now we have litter boxes being used properly in the cage, but the cage is bigger than the box so where do I put THAT now? (It’s in the kitchen. At least kitchen floors are tile and not carpet or hardwood.)

  12. Jen on April 24th, 2018 9:18 am

    Four words: cat litter box enclosures. Linda, get yourself a truly glamorous AF “bench” and hide that box!

  13. Anonymous on April 24th, 2018 10:33 am

    Raisinette!!! Omg LMAO

  14. Bree on April 24th, 2018 8:25 pm

    This post + your memes = ON POINT

  15. Jenny J on April 24th, 2018 9:05 pm

    I remember being a booger wiping disgusting child, but I know I don’t have to worry about it now because both of my kids eat their boogers. BAAAAARRRRRF

  16. KP on April 25th, 2018 9:22 am

    After a morning with one kids with stomach issues (you know what this really means) and another kid yelling there is a cat turd on the stairs…this is EXACTLY what I needed. Hysterical and I can totally relate. Thank you for the much needed laugh.

  17. Elizabeth_K on May 2nd, 2018 9:45 am

    On my bike ride in, I was laughing thinking about ‘subtle glamour’ … I’m sure it is!

  18. Pete on May 4th, 2018 8:52 am

    I have glass tables so the only thing under the tables are fingerprints. And lots of dog hair.

  19. Karla on June 2nd, 2018 6:57 pm

    My son created a booger wall next to his headboard, which I made the executive decision to deal with at some point in the future. When we moved 15 years later, they were pretty much permanent. I hope the new owners appreciate the unique wall texture.

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