We used to have one cat but then another cat showed up on our doorstop and so we kept her and then she surprised us by 3D-printing more cats so we kept one of those, too. Now we have three cats which feels a little *twirls finger next to temple while making big eyes at the floor* but I am kind of delighted by the fact that my life feels like a real-life version of Neko Atsume.

All three of our cats are very different from one another. Callie, the indoor one, is prissy and a little bitchy and drools when she purrs. She’s obsessed with Riley and spends every evening biscuit-kneading his bed covers and knocking things off his desk. She hates the other cats and sometimes just stares out the window at them, mentally leaving cowardly comments on their Instagram accounts. Callie refuses to eat literally any other thing aside from Iams Proactive Health Adult Original Tuna cat food, which I have to order from Amazon, which feels like the most high-maintenance cat owner thing ever. Except I also bought her a custom-made gold leather collar from Etsy.

Tiny Cat is the one who just showed up one day and she is in fact very small, the size of a 6-month-old kitten. She is lean, gimlet-eyed, and focused: even when she’s lolling in the sun room she has the vibe of a John Wick assassin briefly relaxing in the Continental. Tiny Cat is constantly hunting, bringing in a never-ending bounty of snakes and birds and the occasional eviscerated rat. She brings in giant dead leaves, which she apparently thinks are some sort of dried-out, immobile prey. We all have deep respect for Tiny Cat, and speak in hushed, reverent tones about the time she brought in an intact Egg McMuffin, still in the wrapper.

Catinator (shut up, Dylan named him) is Tiny Cat’s son, which I would not believe if I hadn’t seen him emerge from her actual body. He is absolutely enormous, a giant luxurious expanse of grey tabby fur, and he is the laziest cat of all. He sleeps for hours in the small top tier of a carpeted cat tower, spilling over on all four sides. He has a funny little deadpan meow: “Wow.” (He sounds a lot like this, actually.) He loves to be carried like a big fat ring-tailed baby. Like Callie, Catinator is comically useless, an unemployed freeloader who occasionally fights with his hard-working mom and gets nervous when it’s a little windy. In the apocalypse, only Tiny Cat would survive.

Comments

22 Responses to “Just literally some stuff about my cats”

  1. Suzanne on June 7th, 2018 11:18 am

    I could read about cats all day. Your creatures are magnificent. And I love their various poses.

  2. Jeanette on June 7th, 2018 11:34 am

    I love your cats! I have five of them so that should make you feel not quite so finger twirley!

  3. Pete on June 7th, 2018 12:04 pm

    I have two dogs that when walked like to roll in some other animals crap. Always a thrill.

  4. Amy on June 7th, 2018 12:16 pm

    Catinator appears to be waiting for his usual egg McMuffin first breakfast lol

    Wonderful entry ❤️

  5. kathleenicanrah on June 7th, 2018 12:53 pm

    I do not like cats and I LOVED this. I’m convinced you could write about a…blank wall, or lint and I’d find it funny and fascinating and true. (I want to be Tiny Cat when I grow up.)

  6. Jen on June 7th, 2018 1:07 pm

    You are a wonderful writer. I love this…cats have such interesting personalities. I miss my cat. She was a dope stereotypical 60s hippie. Always chill and up for whatever and also pretty useless.

  7. JB on June 7th, 2018 2:26 pm

    Hehe… these are the best worst cat names ever!

  8. Alison on June 7th, 2018 2:28 pm

    Ha! Love this. We raised one of ours from an 8oz kitten and sounds like he is exactly like Catinator: huge, affectionate, fundamentally useless. He prefers to be held like a baby as he sleeps. Our housekeeper accidentally feather-dusted him the other day and he may never recover from the terror.

  9. Mandy on June 7th, 2018 2:51 pm

    This was fantastic. I wish I could write that way about my simple-minded dog.

  10. Karen on June 7th, 2018 4:58 pm

    I love your cats. It’s amazing to me how many different personalities these f’ers can have. We had the best cat – a former stray, a scrapper of a tuxedo tomcat who just laid around and purred and bossed the other cat and the 90-lb dog. And then he died and we were just heartbroken and pissed that the best one died first. And then the dog – my first child – got cancer and lived like royalty for another 18 months because we thought her time was so limited. I made that queen roasted chicken and white rice every meal for at least a year. She died, which left us with the meanest and dumbest of them all, our own tiny cat who puts everything in her water dish and hates everyone. We rescued another dog, the derpiest of all derps, and tiny cat hates him most of all – goes all Halloween cat on him every single day but he just keeps trying to win her over. I took tiny cat in for her annual checkup and, turns out, she had not one but six bad teeth. They pulled them all (cha-ching, Jesus) but omg she is a new cat. Lovey, purrs, bonks us with her head. Still hates the dog but hey, can’t win ‘em all.

  11. Stephanie on June 7th, 2018 8:55 pm

    I’m thoroughly confused by the “wow” video. But cats, man. Yes.

  12. Megan on June 8th, 2018 2:11 am

    We have a cat who sounds like Catinator! His name is Buster T. Cattington, and the people we adopted him from told us he weighs 27 pounds. While I have not lugged his enormous ass to a vet since we got him two years ago, I wholeheartedly believe their assessment. He is so large. He is also the most affectionate cat I’ve ever met, and he likes to put his little paws on my cheeks to snuggle me when I sleep. Absolutely the greatest joy!

  13. Mary Clare on June 8th, 2018 6:28 am

    Well, everyone is sharing about their cats so I will too. We have one tough-ass tomcat who is finally mellowing out now that he’s almost 4. For the first couple years I was ready to drive him out to the country and drop him off. His version of playing was to run and grab your leg with all his claws, like you were a big prey he was taking down. Also he must be gassed to be examined at the vet because he acts like an insane feral animal there. We keep him because he like to cuddle and his toughness is an act. When the dog is around he is a big baby. Our sweet, docile girl cat has turned out to be a badass. She bosses the dog around, taking over the dog bed and keeping that wild pup in line.

  14. LD's Mom on June 8th, 2018 12:33 pm

    I always assumed the mass quantity of snakes brought into your house was a team effort. Didn’t realize that was all TC. Loved this post!

  15. Kristin on June 9th, 2018 3:37 pm

    This is great! You are so funny!

  16. Jo on June 9th, 2018 6:41 pm

    This is brilliant! I loved your kitten posts when Catinator was born and can’t believe he’s grown into such a glorious specimen and his Mum is still so tiny! Laughed out loud at “mentally leaving cowardly comments on their Instagram accounts”, that sums up cats perfectly and the disapproving look they get in their eye ;)

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  18. Julie L. on June 11th, 2018 4:42 pm

    Catinator totally looks stoned! LOL.

  19. Kate B. on June 11th, 2018 6:55 pm

    “surprised us by 3D-printing more cats”

    That may be my favorite phase you’ve every written. Thank you for that.

  20. MEP on June 12th, 2018 6:51 am

    NO SHE DID NOT bring back an Egg McMuffin???

  21. Shes on June 12th, 2018 1:05 pm

    So how can Callie and TC look so much alike, but Catinator so different? Well, duh, I know the Catinator answer, but I think TC is the long lost relative of Callie’s who just showed up unannounced….and stayed.

  22. Adrien on June 15th, 2018 6:43 am

    I love this! I think it’s funny when dog people say that cats have no personality. Cats are ALL PERSONALITY. It’s just that they have very rich internal lives and don’t always care to share it.

    And since nobody asked, I’ll tell y’all about my two:

    Daniel: He is a gloriously attractive and plump tabby who was the lonely only child for several years. He’s funny and insecure and occasionally a jerk. He loves grilled chicken more than basically anything including me.

    Lucy: I adopted her last December as a fourth month old kitten. She’s all black and very sweet. She’s really into soulful eye contact and is possibly the clumsiest cat I’ve ever had. She falls off stuff, she misses jumps, she gets stuck in small spaces. She and Daniel get along fine though he’s sometimes jealous that she exists.

    Yay cats.

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