There is always a reason not to write here, in this beloved, familiar place.

I’ve had a lot of freelance work lately and I worry sometimes that I have a finite amount of words in me each day, that if I spend some of that currency here I won’t have any to spend elsewhere, in the place where I have requirements and deadlines.

(As if my ability to pull words from my head is a drying puddle, when somewhere deep in the most secret part of my heart, muffled by all the negative voices that believe they are keeping me safe from failure, I know it is a burbling well.)

My children are now old enough to that I have to take the same consideration when I write about them as I would anyone else in my life: the world of blogging was never anonymous to begin with, but it would be particularly foolish these days to assume I have the ability to speak candidly with a select audience of my choosing. There are many aspects of parenting these amazing, challenging boys that I would love to talk about in the hopes of advice or support, but I haven’t quite been able to figure out the trick of balancing my own experiences and truth with their privacy.

They’re figuring themselves out, they’re 10 and 13 and and they’re struggling to find their own areas of control. They’re often a roiling embarrassed mass of fear about being different or uncool or attracting undue attention.

I get it. Boy, do I get it.

I would love to write about marriage, about getting older together and having all these years built up in what we have and how so many things have changed or shifted shape. I would love to talk about how we have made it this far through the Trump years despite our political differences, differences which have only widened and become more painful, just like the dark and terrible crack that seems to be running down the center of our country’s heart.

I can’t talk about the marriage thorns and mirror-shards and piles of suffocating baggage because it’s not just about me, so the easy writing — the cathartic angry writing — is off the table. What’s left is the hardest part: the part about love, that part that takes the most skill to illuminate and breathe life into.

But if I can find that love, I can write about that love. If I can love my children, I can write lovingly about our life in a way that honors where they’re at.
If I love writing — and I do, my god, I do — I can believe in my ability to tell the stories I want to tell.

I love this space, this dusty old website that sometimes breaks and gets bazillions of spam comments and hasn’t had a design update in 15 years and feels like a relic amongst all the shiny white-space professional-photo sponsored-influencer platforms that are, like, optimized for devices built in the last decade.

I’ve missed writing here, and there’s really no good reason not to be here more often.

I’ve missed you, too. Hi. Hi, you.

Comments

68 Responses to “Is this thing on, etc”

  1. Lisa on October 29th, 2018 7:04 am

    So glad to see you post something. I think I have been reading your blog for 15 years, since before you had kids anyway. Please continue to write, you are too good not to! Hi!

  2. Nicole on October 29th, 2018 1:08 pm

    I’m so happy to see notifications on my email that you have posted a blog entry-yours is by far the blog I have followed the longest….interestingly enough (or maybe terribly uninteresting) at the time, I was in a failing marriage where I was continuing to fail at staying pregnant. A friend did not realize I had lost another pregnancy and sent me an article on mommy bloggers. Yours was the only one that made an impression, and though I’ve never gone on to make my own babies, your blog remains one that I have always related to and have laughed so hard at times and cried and wanted to hug you so tightly to help you feel safe at others. Thank you for this blog and for sharing yourself so honestly, I’m imagining it must be difficult to be so exposed sometimes. Thank you a million times over for being you.

  3. Sarah on October 29th, 2018 1:19 pm

    I’m glad this site still works and you are writing again, even if the parameters of how to write about your family and life have changed (as they must with time, right?).

  4. Donna on October 29th, 2018 2:13 pm

    It just makes me so HAPPY when I see you’ve posted – I heave a sign of contentment and settle in to read.

  5. Gillian on October 29th, 2018 2:44 pm

    I’ve read your blog longer than any other. At least 15 years? Is that possible? I check regularly, and like someone said above, sigh a happy sigh and settle down to read whatever you’ve written. You capture the experience of being human so well.

  6. LD's Mom on October 29th, 2018 5:56 pm

    As always, it is such a treat to hear from you when we hear from you. No need for you to ever write for us out of obligation, but I love to hear that you love this dusty space, because we all love it too.

  7. Peg on October 29th, 2018 6:36 pm

    Love, love, love!

  8. nonsoccermom on October 29th, 2018 9:22 pm

    I’m always so happy to see that you’ve posted. I’ve read your blog since before Riley was born – when my own oldest was just a toddler – and though I’m not a regular commenter please know that I have read and appreciated each and every one of your posts for over a decade. Thank you for continuing to share your life with all of us.

  9. Frannie on October 29th, 2018 9:59 pm

    Sometimes speaking out into that void that is the internet and tapping the keyboard every now and again is all you need. Thanks. I’ve enjoyed you posts for a long time. And boy, I do miss writing in a blog..I could literally write a few stories.

  10. Scott Hagg on October 30th, 2018 6:14 am

    I check this site every day hoping to find something. Sometimes I check it multiple times a day….

  11. Kelli on October 30th, 2018 2:03 pm

    So nice to see you back on this space. I am often nostalgic for the seemingly innocent days of blogging before social media and measured hits and clickbait. Your space has felt like sitting down for a cup of coffee and catching up with a good, honest, lovely friend for years. Thank you for that. And keep coming back! :)

  12. Taryn on October 30th, 2018 6:29 pm

    I always stop in to see if you’re still here. So glad you are!

  13. K8 on October 31st, 2018 8:51 am

    Your post was so beautiful, eloquent and ripe with the hard truths of this world, it brought tears to my eyes. Good things are worth waiting for and the creative voice doesn’t always flow evenly- it comes when it wants.

  14. Megan on November 1st, 2018 12:03 pm

    I think you & I, and our husbands, are in the same political places. And holy shit is it scary. 20 years into marriage and for the first time, feeling like it may not have a happily ever after. Add teenagers, work, and life…ugh.

    Thank you for writing what you can. It helps.

  15. Jo on November 1st, 2018 3:39 pm

    Love your writing. I’ve been reading your blog since before you had Riley and Dylan, and now have a two year old daughter of my own and am loving revisiting your stories through your ebook. I’m also nostalgic for the old blogging days!

  16. Farrrell on November 6th, 2018 8:54 pm

    Missed you too!

  17. Eilis Byrnes on November 8th, 2018 10:14 pm

    This nook always engages me in relatable ways and I find that comforting. Lately when I stumble over this way and there’s a new post it’s like a delightful treat I get to enjoy for a few minutes. So thanks for that.

  18. Laura on November 15th, 2018 12:41 pm

    Yay, you’re here! I love this website too!

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