I was leaving Riley’s school the other day and, woolgathering, absentmindedly got up to the surrounding neighborhood speed while still in the school zone and that is of course when I saw the flashing reds and blues in the rearview. The cop was pleasant enough, asking if there was maybe a legal reason I was going 34 when I was supposed to be creeping along at 20, to which I said no because I guess “Forgot about the law while trying to figure out basketball practice logistics while also toe-tapping to that annoyingly catchy Imagine Dragons song from Wreck-It Ralph 2” probably isn’t a legal reason.

He asked me to produce my license and registration and after nervously announcing that I was going to reach into the glove box if that was okay (yes, I realize if *I* am skittish about traffic stops I have no idea what it’s like to not be a Mom-mobile-driving white lady getting pulled over, privilege is recognized) I pulled out the envelope containing my paperwork and that’s when I saw this:

I think John put that in there at least 5 years ago, maybe more. I haven’t had a ticket since 2009 or so, so I’d completely forgotten about it. I showed it to the cop, who laughed so hard he slapped the top of my rolled-down window. “I’ve been doing this for 20 years and I’ve never seen that!” he snorted. “Your husband is a piece of work.”

“You have no idea,” I said, thinking specifically of the time I sat on the toilet only to discover John had put a bunch of leftover Fourth of July firecrackers under the seat.

When the cop came back he announced that he had decided to reduce my ticket for my honesty and because he was so amused by the envelope. “I guess it wasn’t entertaining enough for a warning, though,” I said, and he smiled and shook his head. Still, he reduced my recorded speed enough to lower the fine and I can go to a traffic school class to have it taken off my record completely.

So my advice to you is this: put something funny on that envelope you keep in your glove box. You never know. If nothing else, maybe it’ll cheer you up while you’re parked on the Road Shoulder of Shame.

Comments

9 Responses to “Smooth criminal”

  1. Donna on December 10th, 2018 1:40 pm

    This is epic! You gotta love that man! I need this in my life.

  2. Jess on December 10th, 2018 2:09 pm

    That is awesome!!!
    I love your writing, I know I say that every time I leave a comment but I literally laughed out loud as I read the toilet seat incident. You make my day!!!

  3. Karen on December 10th, 2018 4:22 pm

    OMG that is priceless. I literally laughed out loud as I read it and your comment about the officer. I’m sorry you got a ticket, but glad he took some pity on you…Too funny though!

  4. Gigi on December 10th, 2018 5:08 pm

    That is hilarious! And you gotta love a cop with a sense of humor.

  5. Dawn Piecka on December 11th, 2018 8:12 am

    Not that your husband isn’t handsome as hell, but THIS is why you marry someone.

  6. Suzanne on December 11th, 2018 11:52 am

    Damn, I always wondered if the “Forgot about the law while trying to figure out basketball practice logistics while also toe-tapping to that annoyingly catchy Imagine Dragons song from Wreck-It Ralph 2” excuse would work. Disappointing to learn that it did not. But how nice that your husband helped you reduce the ticket! That’s a really cute story.

  7. Liz on December 12th, 2018 11:50 am

    Go to traffic school! If it’s anything like traffic court, the people watching is spectacular.

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  9. Josey on January 6th, 2019 9:29 am

    Oh my gosh, this made me completely burst out laughing. I’m so doing this!

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