I have been feeling very sorry for myself because I have a cold, which is much much MUCH worse than the viral ailments John has loudly endured. I can tell you this with certainty because I have a vagina. Penis = man cold = giant titty baby whiner-pants. Vagina = death flu = heroic silent suffering while Getting Shit Done. Don’t complain to me, I didn’t invent the anatomical traits.

It’s true that I may have formed a couch-nest out of a heating pad and piles of tissues and a magazine that was so trashy I shame-slid it facedown across the grocery checkout belt like it was a copy of Underage Anal Porcupine-Squirting Tentacle Queens which I just made up but is probably a real Internet publication because rule 34. It’s also true I have been loudly exclaiming “DAMMIT!” after every knee-buckling sneeze, a behavior I would find deeply annoying if exhibited by any other person in this household, but let’s be honest: my cold is worse than theirs. It is a Mom Cold, a brutal whole-bodied takeover that leaves a person hacking weakly into the laundry while still folding the laundry.

The Mom Cold is miserable but garners no sympathy, the Mom Cold is just another unlovely attritribute like my weirdly square-shaped ass. My giant disease vector children go flying by, germs and bacteria trailing behind them in murky green clouds. “Wash your hands,” I say to NO ONE AT ALL because THAT’S WHO IS LISTENING, and go back to reading about George Clooney, who I bet is a moaning little dapper bitch when he has a cold.

Comments

9 Responses to “Mom cold”

  1. Kelley on February 6th, 2019 4:01 pm

    *Rule 34 I think is what you actually meant. :) Sorry you have a Mom-cold though. I know it sucks.

  2. Linda on February 6th, 2019 5:48 pm

    Hahaha, yes, fixed. How could I forget my porn rules?

  3. Donna on February 6th, 2019 7:49 pm

    😄😄😄

  4. Suzanne on February 7th, 2019 9:35 am

    HA! So relatable.

    Also, I’m sorry your sick and I hope you are magically cured by the weekend.

  5. Sian on February 7th, 2019 11:04 am

    For what it’s worth, your local public library might offer RB Digital (or something similar), which allows you to borrow (FREE OF CHARGE AND SHAME) all manner of magazines including In Touch, Life & Style, Star, and US. It’s a beautiful thing.

  6. Courtney on February 7th, 2019 11:20 am

    Thank you, yes, I too am suffering from a mom cold. Luckily I’m on the tail end and still managed to Get Shit Done while I was suffering. Unlike my husband who not only whines and moans but also seems to be under the impression that this is the first time anyone has every suffered these symptoms, can you believe his throat hurts AND his nose is running, this is the worst possible thing that has ever happened to someone, but conversely–aside from his vasectomy–hasn’t seen a doctor more than one time in the almost 20 years I’ve known him.

  7. Sara on February 7th, 2019 1:43 pm

    im literally bookmarking this for the next time my boyfriend gets sick. thank you and feel better!

  8. Shawna on February 8th, 2019 1:38 pm

    Is it awful that I wished for the ability to post a meme of a rear-view of SpongeBob labeled LINDA across it in this comment section?

    If it makes you feel better, I have seen you from behind and did not note anything oddly-cubic about you.

    Also, my husband has had a cold for several days. He doesn’t whine or make a big deal out if it, but at the same time he’s been home surrounded by piles of laundry and various detritus from our recent vacation for a couple of days and not put a single thing away. Urgh!

  9. LD's Mom on February 12th, 2019 11:53 am

    Hilarious! I hope you feel well soon.

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