I would say that starting in, oh, March of 2020 and extending well through December, I was deeply mired in feelings-eating mode. I can remember many many MANY days of being like, well, everything is terrible and both figuratively and literally on fire, it’s just too much to put limits on one of my favorite coping mechanisms so obviously I am having that ninth cookie.

If you think of intuitive eating as giving yourself permission to eat what you want whenever you want, that’s sort of what I did, except instead of being mindful and listening to my body’s cues I went full self-medication mode and honestly got weirdly disconnected from what actual hunger feels like for a while. I didn’t unfuck my view of “good” or “bad” foods and instead reinforced my internal bad wiring when it comes to assigning morality to food, I didn’t opt out of diet culture even a little bit.

Soooo pretty much the exact opposite of intuitive eating, actually.

One thing I didn’t do is stop exercising, which is kind of a breakthrough for me — I feel like for most of my adult life I’ve had an all-or-nothing approach to both fitness and eating healthfully, and they became so entangled in my head I felt like I couldn’t do one without the other.

(It probably doesn’t sound like major personal progress to keep up with workouts while also turning myself into a human garbage disposal between the hours of 6 and 9 PM every single blessed day, however: IT IS.)

This year has been better, I definitely still do a lot more evening snacking than I wish I would but I don’t often find myself in that mindless, numbing mode like I used to. I signed up with Noom to get more educated and aware of my eating habits, I do a daily mindfulness practice with yoga, I try to use the tools in my tOoLbOx instead of always going for the Avoid Feelings route.

It’s a work in progress, but hell, what isn’t?

Comments

9 Responses to “Course correction”

  1. Shawna on May 20th, 2021 2:02 pm

    I signed up with Noom in early January of 2020 and over the year I lost 35lbs. I let my paid subscription lapse after the year and I’ve gained back about 5lbs since Christmas, but I’ve just this week hit the milestone of 1500 meals logged in a row.

  2. Courtney on May 20th, 2021 9:19 pm

    Confession: at one point mid-pandemic we were hiding the bootleg candy in the liquor cupboard. Cue feelings of parenting failure when we heard our 8 year old clinking around half-empty bottles of hooch one night to find dessert. We have since moved the candy out of the sin cupboard but remain committed to the nightly snack-size handful of M&M’s…

  3. Carla Hinkle on May 20th, 2021 9:45 pm

    I wish “intuitive eating” didn’t always mean “getting fatter” for me and I also wish “getting fatter” didn’t equal a bad thing in my mind but well, there we are.

    I did pretty well so far as food & exercise last year until the holidays, at which point things seemed so grim my only coping mechanism was to bake & eat everything under the sun. I have been trying to pull my body out of that hole since February but the thing about a late 40s body seems to be once it gets bigger & flabbier, it REALLY doesn’t like to go back. Le sigh.

  4. Mary Clare on May 21st, 2021 4:06 am

    If there is anytime for stress eating, I think it’s now, eh? My short hand internal dialogue for when I feel guilty about extra snacks while dealing with a work deadline is “I’m not a robot”, meaning I feel the big emotion and its rearing it’s head in a box of crackers and that’s OK. I’m also trying to do more exercise and yoga too.

  5. Mary on May 21st, 2021 6:56 am

    In an act of desperation, I did something I swore I would never do (the opposite of mindful eating, really) and signed up for Weight Watchers a few months ago…again. I am in recovery for an eating disorder. I see a therapist twice a week (individual and group) for it. But I didn’t know what else to do. And I am still using some of the tools they offer (while avoiding their website and written materials and checking in with my therapist very regularly) because food is really, really hard right now. Who ever thought something like this would occur in our lifetimes? I have finally embraced the fact that I am doing the best I can. We are all doing the best we can.

  6. Nine on May 21st, 2021 1:30 pm

    I gained a metric crapload of weight (50lbs) due to anti anxiety medication after finally getting help for my brain weasels in 2017. Right before the pandemic hit I downloaded Lose It and started calorie counting. I lost 20lbs(!!) during quarantine, but it took 6 months. Then I hit a plateau. Then it was dark at 4:00pm. Then it was cold. Then I was STARVING. Then Dark Chocolate Espresso Chip ice cream happened. Long story short, I gained back 10lbs of the 20 I lost over the next six months. Now I’m trying to get back on the horse before it runs off with the rest of my progress in 2021. Stupid horse.

  7. Kestrin.net on May 21st, 2021 5:28 pm

    Kestrin.net

    All & Sundry

  8. nic on May 22nd, 2021 11:19 am

    Yes, I consider that progress. I’m still eating ALL the crappy foods (at least one bag of chips per night) but at least I’m doing a workout video every morning. I’m guilty of taking the all-or-nothing approach and since it usually leads me to nothing (rather than all), I think that my current “a little bit – or – nothing” approach is much more successful.

  9. Monique on May 23rd, 2021 11:39 am

    I’m in the free trial of Noom, liking it so far.

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