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Thank god for Mimi Smartypants, because otherwise I might have missed this incredibly wonderful forum thread.




Thursday, June 9, 2005

Finally - finally! - a sunny day here in Seattle, after days and days of cool weather and rain, which has been VERY ANNOYING, because I have now invested hundreds of dollars in spring/summer maternity clothes, as in SHORT SLEEVES, the kind of shit you should be able to wear, oh, in JUNE, for instance, and I have nothing, NOTHING I TELL YOU, for grey skies and 60-degree-temperatures and windy-ass bus stops. I tried to put on a previously baggy fleece top the other day, only to discover that not only did it barely stretch over my protruding protusion, it also clung in weird fleecey unflattering ways and hiked itself up about four inches, exposing the oh-so-sexy "full panel" waistband of my jeans. I have exactly one coat that still fits, and it's a filthy, bright yellow, enormous North Face jacket designed to go with summit pushes and rain forest expeditions, not so much A-line skirts.

The good news is, it's supposed to be sunny for at least another few hours! Then the forecast calls for rain. FOR THE NEXT 5 GODDAMN DAYS.

I really shouldn't complain, I know this, considering what happened to my body a couple weeks ago when we had that heat wave. My god, all of a sudden I started retaining enough water to successfully douse a 47-acre forest fire. People, my feet - normally the only part of my body I can truthfully describe as either "dainty" or "bony" - became like fleshy balloon animals. My toes morphed into ugly, puffy cashew nuts and my ankles looked like I was recovering from multiple hairline fractures. Elevating my feet did not help. Submerging my feet in a tub of freezing cold water did not help. The only thing that made the Michelin action go away was the return to milder temperatures.

What is going to happen to me in July? In August? Oh, don't say it. Just - I don't want to know.

Every time I buy more maternity stuff, I tell myself that it will be the last of my windsail-sized clothing acquisitions for a while, but my midsection just...keeps...GROWING. I left the house wearing a pair of cropped black pants the other day, only to discover that the elasticized waist that had been designed to sit just under a first trimester belly was being rudely pushed southbound by my 25-week soccer-ball-sized belly. I spent the entire day furtively hiking up my pants and walking in tiny mincing steps to try and slow their inevitable descent towards my knees, before making a beeline to the mall to whip out my scuffed debit card yet again, because I'll be damned if I'm going to put up with uncomfortable clothes while I'm playing host body to a very small, energetic human being who apparently has access to a trampoline.

I think I'm done for a while now, though, because all of my stuff has tons of extra room for the next couple of months of belly expansion (after that, I shall cloak myself in muumuus and lacy tablecloths), but like I said, it's summer wear, dammit, so let's work in some more sun breaks, Seattle, mmmkay?


From the "and you thought YOUR coworkers were annoying" file:

From: JB
Sent: Thursday, June 09, 2005 1:33 PM
To: Coworker
Subject: game video

I actually got a bit of negative feedback about the gaming video that was shown - some of the folks were really turned off by it.  Food for thought I guess.  Maybe depending on the audience we should tailor the videos to show less shots of crazy dudes shooting into large crowds.


From: Coworker
Sent: Thursday, June 09, 2005 1:35 PM
To: JB
Subject: RE: game video

Helpful context would have been to explain that those were zombies.

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