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I promise that no matter how ginormous of a freak you are, you will feel refreshingly normal after reading about this guy.


"I don't know WHY he has such a hard time sleeping - just keeps crying and pointing at his octopus picture."

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Man, I really wish people would stop using their personal online journals to write about their new houses, you know? I mean, "blah blah blah blah blah painting techniques blah carpet blah"! You would totally think it was some important part of their life that they enjoy talking about or something, when really, let's face it, it's like sooooooo boring.

Now, can we please get back to discussing more important topics, like the exact circumference and texture of my freakish pregnant nipples! And the peeing-when-coughing thing! And my bottomless capacity for various frozen desserts on a stick!

Ha ha! I'm just kidding. It's actually sneezing that sometimes makes me pee.


I could use some advice: when do you think I should stop wearing my wedding rings? I mean, they're getting pretty snug. In fact, to get them off (har!) I use lube. That's right, I lube my finger in order to pry off my jewelry. With a product called "Slippery Stuff". Shut up.

Anyway, I hate hate hate to go ringless, but I guess I'd also hate to have them sawed off a sausagey, near-gangrenous finger. Maybe I should buy a cheap silver band in a larger size, or something? Or just take advantage of my apparent singleness and flirt outrageously with every male I see (lasciviously thrusting my rotund midsection around, huskily asking if they'd like to see my linea nigra)?

As for the fantastic toe ring I bought in Hawaii, ain't no way, Jack. I tried that sucker on a while ago, and this little piggy? Needs to go to the market - for LIPOSUCTION. Stupid Stay-Puft appendages.

Boy, I guess I forgot to add "water retention" to my topic list up there! Next up: VAGINAL SECRETIONS!



Dog and Cat both have an alarm planted in their teeny little Skittle-sized brains that goes off every morning around 5 AM announcing that THE TIME FOR EATING IS NOW. The dog starts gallumping around the bedroom, panting and whimpering and whapping her tail on everything; the cat starts howling from her basket in the utility room - nobody will shut their fur-holes until the Purina has been divvied out.

Lately I've been the one to get up and tend to the herd, since I always, always have to pee anyway, but this morning I just burrowed deeper into the covers until JB finally grunted his way out of bed. Thank god for instincts, that's all I have to say, because when JB came back he announced that the cat had taken a shit in the dog food container. First thing in the morning, and he's confronted with a fresh turd sitting on top of the kibble. Wakey wakey! Eggs-n-bakey! While I'm sure Dog would have simply considered it an exotic breakfast treat, JB had to spend some time separating feces from Lamb & Rice nuggets - which, uggggh. That 4:30 bathroom visit? Saved my ass, by god.


Other than dwelling on the irrefutable proof that there are just too many jackasses in the world, I've been in a ridiculously good mood lately, for these reasons and more:

• The cheesy awesomeness of Weezer's "This Is Such A Pity" blaring in my iPod ("not this hate that destroooooooyyssss ussssssssss").

• The Big Lebowski game JB and I have been playing where we tell Dog to shut the fuck up, because she's out of her element.

• A happy abundance of ripe, sweet cantaloupes in the grocery store, despite the fact that large amounts of melon occasionally cause me a non-trivial amount of, um, gastrointestinal upset (I heartily recommend cantaloupe for all your clogged-plumbing needs).

• Riley, AKA Squirmy Von Bootsalot, who makes the surface of my belly about a kajillion times more fascinating than I ever imagined it might be. Belly trumps TiVo, is what I'm saying, except maybe for Six Feet Under. Well, that and "I Want a Famous Face". Oh, like YOU can turn that shit off.

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