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It pets the snout or it gets the hose.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I go through my referrals every now and then, especially since after months of being almost completely google-search free, I'm now seeing people coming by searching for terms like "fried placenta", (please oh please say they weren't looking for a recipe) and "my body is so hot i cant sleep pregnant" (dude, I feel your pain. Three words: bedroom air conditioner).

Today I saw someone on the SuicideGirls website had linked to me, which I thought was kind of cool, as I am generally a fan of the site's concept. I didn't realize the girls had blogs on there, and for just a minute I entertained a rich, crack-fueled fantasy that I had been nominated for some kind of Honorary Suicide Girl title, never mind that the words "hot punk chick" have not applied to me since 1995, assuming they ever did.

Anyway, what I discovered, instead of "SUNDRY: STILL SEXXY DESPITE FRUMPY CHRIS ISAAK ADDICTION", was someone who had apparently just caught up with my, you know, amazing transformation from Boring Online Writer Who Talks About Her Pets to Boring Online Writer Who Talks About Her Belly. In part, she wrote:

I hate pregnant people.

From the moment of impending parenthood to the day they die, the role of a parent is a parent. They do not inhabit the roles of anything else without being able to say, “Oh, and my kid is…” It becomes like an old woman incapable of talking without mentioning her cats, only more boring. At least cats can be thrown a ball of yarn and left to twang it about the room while you fuck off to work. Small children are a full time job.

Pregnant women are a full time job. Drivelling on about it is, apparently, a full time job. And my favourite online writer became pregnant. 

Well! I certainly have never been so insulted in all my life! The nerve of this, this girl, this Suicide Girl, saying that *I* have become -

That *I*... that pregnancy.... that this, uh, beautiful time of....

Okay, fine. It's true, pregnancy is pretty boring to other non-pregnant folks, and I'm sure she's not the only one who barfed all over their keyboard and deleted me from their bookmarks forever and ever once I started yapping about my dinner-plate-sized nipples. It's not like it's going to get any better from here, because the arrival of the child will doubtlessly drive the content of this site forevermore. And I'm STILL going to talk about the pets, too, so I'll be serving up the ultimate Trifecta of Lame: Cat! Dog! Baby! O, the hijinks!

Now that we've collectively acknowledged the tediousness, the nonstop yawn-inducing cloying crapfest around here, could we please get on to the drivelling? All righty then!

At 34 weeks along, I've been thinking how it seems like the next six weeks are so, so close, and yet - man, six more weeks? Whinge. I know I'll remember the whole pregnancy as something that just flew by, I know I'll miss feeling the baby move and being in a state of happy anticipation...but really, I have to walk around like this for six more weeks? The last stage of pregnancy really offers nothing but discomfort and waiting; you've already done the exciting stuff: the heartbeat, the gender, the first kicks. At the end, it's just weeks of lumbering around like a beluga whale and exploding out of the maternity clothes you thought would never, ever fit.

I've also been thinking about what I would say to my first-trimester self, if I had the opportunity to tell her what she had to look forward to. I don't know why I think this is fun, but I keep this list in my head and I'm constantly adding to it. More drivel? YES PLEASE.

Dear 8-weeks-pregnant me:

• The zits are out of control now, but they will eventually completely disappear and you will have the best skin of your entire freaking life. No shit. It's a small comfort, since no one will be looking at your face, but still.

• You will experience a brief obsession with liverwurst. Maybe it's a folic acid thing, I don't know. Just...try not to be too ashamed.

• When reading all those pregnancy books, you will learn the terms "skin tag" and "leukorrhea" for the first time. I am sorry to inform you that you will become intimately familiar with both of these lovely side effects as the weeks go on.

• Please don't bother buying regular clothes two or more sizes larger than what you normally wear. They will be ugly and baggy everywhere but your waist, where they will only fit for about three minutes. Just go ahead and get these pants now, they will be your best friend for a long time.

• Oh, and get ready to buy the biggest damn bra you ever set your eyes on. By the way, you'll outgrow it.

• Call your mom and thank her for the good genes that let you get to 34 weeks without any belly stretch marks. As a backup plan, get an extra tub or two of coconut Body Butter, and grease up that bulge on a daily basis. Yes, cat hair will get stuck to it. Pretend you have a luxurious pelt.

• Stock up on kleenex, because your sinuses are going to react badly to pregnancy. Very, very badly.

• There is no way you are going to believe me on this one, but the peeing gets WORSE.

• The first times you feel the baby kick, it will be just like how other people have described it: bubbles popping, gas, a goldfish swimming, butterflies moving. I can't even begin to tell you what it feels like now, but I will try: a badger turning in its den, a tiny karate master practicing on my intestines and bladder, a -

Wait, I think I have it exactly. You know those massage chairs in cheesy mall stores like Brookstone? Like, the one that has a "shiatsu" setting, where two fistlike things roll and push, and you're supposed to put your back against them? Well, imagine those fists are pressed against your belly from the inside, and you can watch the skin of your stomach roil and bulge with the movements. This is not what I would describe as a comfortable sensation, 8-weeks-pregnant-me, just as an FYI.

Also? Sometimes the baby's squirming around will actually make you fart. REVEL IN THE MIRACLE!

• Say goodbye to wearing your wedding rings on anything but a chain around your neck. And all those shoes in your closet? Maybe you should just cover them with a shroud, or something.

• However big you can imagine your belly getting, it will in reality
become even bigger. Good thing you developed that habit of shaving your
legs in the shower by propping your foot against the wall, but your,
uh, delicate areas? Will require a blind eye and a steady hand,
because no matter how you attempt to push the stomach out of the way,
nothing Down There will be visible.

• Braxton-Hicks contractions, at least at my current stage of the game, are painless, so don't freak out when you read "Pregnancy Sucks". The sensation is of pressure, or squeezing from the inside; the most notable thing about them (besides the fact that they seem to piss the baby off) is the headrush feeling that comes with them, like all the blood is being wrung from your midsection.

• You are already feeling the most intense, protective, fierce kind of love for the baby you're carrying, this will double and triple and compound and become immeasurable. You will constantly molest your own belly, rubbing your hands over your skin, feeling him just centimeters away. Your heart will become terrifying in its capacity, you will think about him constantly, it's like falling in love, only you haven't even met the guy.

• His name is Riley William. I have a feeling he'll be worth all this.



Every morning Dog wakes us up around 5 AM by whapping her tail all over the bedroom, gallumping from one side of the bed to the other and generally acting like a jackass. After JB let her out today and crawled back in bed, I yawned and told him, "Man, I get tired of the daily tail explosion". There was a pause, and JB worriedly asked, "Is something giving you an upset stomach?".

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