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May

9

Polar waters

Yesterday was Riley’s last soccer practice. It was also the first day I really had any interaction with the other parents, thanks to the coach’s idea to have the adults get out on the field and play against the kids during the last half hour. The clusterfucked Calvinball-esque game that ensued was more than a little embarrassing (my soccer skills are … well, pretty much nonexistent) and hilarious and actually pretty fun, and it was the perfect sort of social icebreaker than I could have used, oh, several weeks ago.

But I can’t rely on someone else to help me over the parental small-talk molehill I’ve turned into a mental mountain and baseball’s coming up and this is just the start of years of kid activities and you guys, I’m just so goddamned bad at talking with people and I don’t know why I’m like this but I am and it’s not normally a big deal but sometimes it is. Like when you’re sitting on a bench with a group of other parents and everyone is chatting except you, and it makes you start to dread going to your kid’s soccer practice as though it were a twice-weekly root canal and it’s ridiculous and it sucks.

Here is the bench. Here are the adults talking amongst themselves in a friendly manner. Not pictured: me, silent and awkward and occasionally snapping photos of Riley or sticking my nose in a book but mostly just feeling incredibly self-conscious and wishing the earth would open up and swallow me whole.

field

Ah, I’m so tired of being shy. I’m lonely and I have no social life and I hate feeling this way during activities that should be perfectly normal and I hate the self-defeating brainloop it causes and I hate the creeping certainty that everyone thinks I’m a standoffish asshole when the reality is that I’m pathetically eager to connect, I just can’t get past the first step.

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May

8

My life with Dylan, from 7:30 AM until 3:30 PM

“Hey Mom? Hey Mom? Guess what. I know how to make a rainbow. All you need is a flashlight and a … and a fish tube. And then you take the flashlight and you turn it on and you shine it in the tube and that’s how you make a rainbow.”

***

“Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?”
“What, Dylan.”
“Eggplant comes from putting chickens in the ground, right?”
*distractedly* “Mmm-hmmm.”
*beat*
“Wait. Wait, no, that’s — uh, no. Eggplant is a vegetable.”
“But you SAID.”

***

“Mom? If a bull fought a moose who would win?”
“Um, well –”
“I THINK MOOSE.”
“Okay, you’re probably –”
“But maybe a bull.”
“Sure.”
“Mom? If a whale fought a shark who would win?”
“Oh, maybe the –
“I THINK SHARK.”

***

“Mom, is it tomorrow?”
“No, it’s today.”
“Oh, you mean it’s yesterday.”
“No! I mean, well, okay, so today is –”
“Soon it will be next week.”

***

“Mom? When I was a baby was I in your tummy?”
“Yup, you sure were.”
“Did you put me there?”
“Ah, um. Well, you grew there. Like a seed.”
“So you didn’t roll me up into a ball and squish me in there?”
“…. no.”
“Mom? When I’m in kindergarten Riley will be younger than me right?”
“No, he’ll –”
“Oh I mean older than me.”
“Right.”
“Do you like cows?”
“Cows? Well –”
“My favorite favorite favorite ice cream is chocolate, did you know that?”
“Yes, I –”
“So where did the seed come from?”

***

“Hey Mom? I never seen a leprechaun, never.”
“Right.”
“But Mom? Mom? I do know how to make a rainbow.”
“Yes.”
“You take a fish tube …”

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