Back in July or thereabouts, I was working at my computer one morning when I noticed a person moving through in the backyard. The kids were planted in front of the TV, so I went outside to investigate, where I saw a raggedy youngish guy walking purposefully through our yard to the back fence. I yelled “Hey!” but he never even turned around, just made a beeline for the fence, which he climbed, then disappeared into the yard of the house behind us — leaving our gate wide open, might I add.

I was pretty rattled and ended up calling the police, who immediately sent an officer over to investigate. He was surprisingly thorough (by the time he arrived I felt a little silly, but he confirmed I’d made the right decision by notifying them), and even brought in another car or two to look for the guy, but they didn’t find him. The officer told me it was likely someone looking to gain quick access to a yard or through street, maybe because they’d stolen something, and he said there had been some sketchy activity in the neighborhood adjacent to our backyard.

I tell you that story to give you a partial explanation for my ridiculous behavior a week ago. We were just finishing up dinner when the dog appeared with a weird plastic doohickey hanging out of her mouth, and while I brushed it off as a piece of random garbage from the garage, JB insisted it looked like drug paraphernalia of some kind. Remembering the backyard intruder, I started googling around to try and figure out what the item was, and I came across a photo of an identical object: plastic bag, cotton stuffing, plastic corrugated tube sticking out. The forum poster was equally confused, but plenty of folks were quick to share an unpleasant explanation: it’s used for huffing gasoline or paint thinner. People soak the cotton filter with a solvent of some kind, then inhale the fumes through the tube.

Goddammit, I thought. Now we have gas huffers throwing their drug shit in the yard where the kids play? So I called the police again, and when the non-emergency line just rang and rang (seriously, no voicemail?), I went online and filed a lengthy report, including multiple photos of the evidence.

Fast forward several days to last night, when I returned from the store with a new squeaker toy for the dog. She’d destroyed her former one (R.I.P. “Skunkit”), so I’d bought a stuffed hedgehog that made the same comical grunting sound when she chewed it. She was enormously pleased:

Herp derp I gots a new squeaker oh boy oh boy

But less than half an hour later she’d managed to tear its fabric wide open. And lo and behold, emerging from the toy’s back was the EXACT SAME DRUG BAG. Holy fuck, how had the huffers managed to get inside our house and stash their paraphernalia into a plush hedgehog?

the gory remains

Oh. Ohhh. Ohhhhhhhhh. Oh, I see. Well, that’s both a relief and a SERIOUS EMBARRASSMENT, Dog.

I can only hope no one at the Eugene police department recognized the object in the FIVE photos I sent — documented sternly from various angles, mind you — and is still laughing themselves sick at the paranoid drug-phobic lady who probably calls 911 like EVERY DAY.

74 Comments 

87 Comments 

← Previous PageNext Page →

  • Stuff I Like:

      space I'm in the process of moving all new recommendations and reviews to a separate blog: Things I Love space deardaughter Dear Daughter, by Elizabeth Little Fun twisty offbeat mystery. I liked the bite she gave the main character. space hoover Hoover WindTunnel I bought this to replace my dying Dyson and it works SO MUCH BETTER. And was SO MUCH CHEAPER. Also, automatic cord rewind! Love love love. space realchemistrypeel Real Chemistry 3-minute peel Really and truly works, at least for my skin. No burning, face feels soft and looks more clear afterwards. space elta Elta MD sunscreen First sunscreen I've used that doesn't make my face feel oily and coated and awful. space tellthewolves Tell The Wolves I'm Home, by Carol Rifka Brunt I guess this is what you'd call a coming of age story, but it's so unique and tender and sad and lovely. Loss, love, and the beauty of human connections. space hypnotistslovestory The Hypnotist's Love Story, by Liane Moriarty I didn't love the book she's best known for, The Husband's Secret, but I really liked this one and What Alice Forgot. Her writing style reminds me of a twistier, more suspenseful Elizabeth Berg. space rosieproject The Rosie Project, by Graeme Simsion Funny and quirky and endearing and best of all, it's the sort of book you just can't put down. space marylou Mary-lou Manizer Highlight/Shimmer Powder This is basically a shimmery (not glittery!) powder that adds a really nice luminescent highlighting glow. I sweep it on the top of my cheekbones, on top of blush, and blend. space pb2 PB2 Powdered Peanut Butter MIRACLE FOOD. It's powdered peanut butter you mix with water (or add to a smoothie, or...) and it has a fraction of the fat and calories of regular peanut butter. Plus: delicious. space [More things I like...]