Oct
17
Hello I am typing this from a coffee shop because one thing about Billy the kitten is that he is ALL UP IN ALL OF MY BUSINESS ALL OF THE TIME and generally I really enjoy that but it certainly makes typing on a keyboard difficult. There are aspects of the Maine Coon breed that contribute to his intensely curious and playful personality, plus he is, as I like to say many times a day in the most ridiculous high-pitched voice, just a baby!!!
In the time I have been here slow-sipping my latte I have managed to complete the transfer of service for my Verizon phone account and bill, a surprisingly arduous process! Just another chore in the long lineup of peeling apart shared lives, and while none of it has been fun I am looking forward to the Zoom meeting that’s coming up regarding my IRA. I have not managed any aspect of our family money over the years and I think it will feel empowering to share my own priorities and concerns with this particular financial team that I am, happily, feeling very comfortable with.
Boy, all the adulting that’s been going on. I guess that’s kind of a dumb term when you’re over 50 for crying out loud but that’s what it feels like, major grownup stuff, and I have of course had to do All the Things — setting up utilities, buying healthcare (HORRIBLE), billing and budgeting, planning for the just-me financial future I’m facing — and it’s been a lot because sometimes I feel like I am also personally just a baby!!
It’s all coming to a settle, though. All the big initial movements of the rocked snowglobe of my life have halted and things are floating down, the skies are starting to clear.
I was talking with my sweet wonderful therapist a couple weeks ago and she said, you get to live your whole authentic life now, and that really struck me. Yes, I do. I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want, in my lovely home that is just for me. I can make all my own choices and I don’t have to compromise who I am in any sort of way. Rising above the losses and disruptions of this time, what beautiful avenues and opportunities are blooming open all around me.
It truly is the very best and very worst of times. It is all of the things! Life has always felt that way to me and this season is just that with the contrast set to 100. It is the full meal deal and I feel lucky to experience it. All the hard leads to all the good. Eventually all things pass, even the interminable Verizon hold music. You are very important to us! says the robot voice and I am sitting here thinking, I am important to me now, I am my North star, I am the one behind the wheel.
And after I hit publish, I’ll go home to my Billy boy, one great gift among so very many. Pretty soon he won’t be just a baby, but what an incredible delight he is, here in the ever-changing right now.
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Yay for cat delights! I commend you for being brave enough to share your adaptions to alllll changes here. I love this part, ” I am important to me now, I am my North star, I am the one behind the wheel.”
Good for you Linda! So proud of you!!!
I divorced young, after a very short marriage, but I remember that feeling – that I would get to live my authentic life now. I could make all the decisions and be true to myself. It is an incredible feeling.
One of the factors that led me to leave my (terrible) first marriage was the lack of authenticity. I couldn’t justify my husband’s beliefs and actions, or pretend like they were okay, to myself or to anyone else. It wasn’t just a differing of opinion that I could intellectually understand and respect, but disagreed with. I had to actively bury my head in the sand about who he really was, and what it said about me that I was married to him. Living authentically requires looking deep into ourselves for what’s important, which can be hard after years of stuffing it down! So happy for you in this phase of your life.
I have not married and in my mid-40s find that I’m often beating myself up for that. “Look at everyone else with their little families! And you’re alone! You missed your chance! etc. after awful etc.” So while I cannot relate to your divorce specifically (I am sorry) as a single woman living on my own I really value your sentiments in all of these recent posts. I think about the man I dated in my early 20s, the man I thought I would marry, and I realize that if we had married I don’t think I would have been able to ever be my authentic self. So, while it certainly is lonely as hell at times, reading your words reminded me there’s a way to flip it – negative into a positive. I’m rambling a bit right now but really just want to say thank you and tell you how much I enjoy your writing. Been reading since your sons were little and you always find a way to say just the perfect thing. Congratulations on this new chapter in your life – Billy and you are creating a perfect new spot for the new now. xo
Just like Swistle did in your next post, I am telling you my favorite part: “I am the one behind the wheel.” Excellent.