Nov
2
One thing that extra sucks about divorce is how you take a big hit social status wise, in the sense that a married woman with kids is generally perceived to have value regardless of her career/lifestyle status and a divorced woman, well, not so much. I mean, you can tell me otherwise, and I’m sure not EVERYONE thinks that way, but that’s how I observe things here in patriarchyland.
Also, there is the immediate reaction when hearing that I’m divorced, a knee-jerk sort of “ooh, I’m sorry” pity. I feel pity for my own self at times and don’t see this as a bad or wrong thing to say, but how good does pity feel, broooo not good at ALL. And when someone, usually a person who has also experienced divorce, has the more accurate take of “I’m sorry, and also congratulations!!” that does feel better but, you know – it is inherently vulnerable to share something that triggers an acknowledgement of there being complex emotions at hand. Telling someone that you’re recently divorced is sort of like peeling off your clothes: here are my saggy nudie-patootie parts laid bare before you, sorry about that I do realize we literally just met!!
I also don’t know what to say when people then ask what I do. They mean what job do I have, which is a natural human way to begin to categorize someone, like okay she’s not married but she IS a nurse/teacher/barista/rocket scientist, that’s how she fits into the world. But I don’t really have much of a job any more. I was a marketing professional many years ago and then I was a busy freelance writer and also a full time at-home parent and then I was a less busy freelance writer and eventually a hardly-ever-getting-a-gig writer and now my kids are older and I’m more of a personal writer and someone who pursues things like volunteering and horse riding and going for long walks and spending time with my boys whenever possible. I hope that I can continue to find rewarding ways to experience life and maybe I will be lucky enough to have a third career of sorts but the reality is I’m 51, have not been in any kind of traditional work force in years, and much of my freelance industry has dried up thanks to chatbots that are admittedly very useful and also 1) are probably the final death knell for the remaining good parts of the internet and also society at large and 2) can turbo-spooge out pretty much any kind or amount of good-enough copy for zero marketing budget dollars.
This all felt less discomforting to disclose when I was part of a marriage that had evolved to a traditional type of structure but now it’s like: what do I do? Well right now I am mostly just trying to survive and maybe even thrive, is that enough? I’m not sure it does seem like enough, but maybe that’s just the part of me that is ever vigilant for proof that I Am Not Worthy.
I have to choose to believe it is enough, though. I have to believe that a sense of value and belonging comes from within and not something printed on a business card or the number of dollars in my checking account or my status as Ms vs Mrs. or the look of approval on someone else’s face.
I remember reading something somewhere that all of life is the universe’s way of experiencing itself – everything good, everything bad, everything everywhere. I found that soothing, the notion that everything intrinsically has a purpose. Not really in the god moves in mysterious ways sense but just that there is a quiet reason for it all, even horrible inexplicable things. Even dull boring things. Even divorced ladies who live small-impact lives that nevertheless include many moments of love and appreciation and beauty and wonder.
Anyway, I am rambling but 1) this is a BLAWG that’s what it’s FOR and 2) these are just things that are coming up for me in the great excavation of a massive life change. I am not who I was even a few months ago, nearly every single thing about my life has taken a big turn, and I’m figuring it out as I go. In that way — same as it ever was, really.
Who am I, what do I do? Well, I am both not easily defined with small talk and yet all too easily defined, in terms of my current stage of life and the aspects of of it that are a little/a lot on the yikes side, and that makes me feel awkward but/and that’s part of who I always have been, some things never change. Here I am, my tender uncertain underbelly exposed, and maybe that actually makes true connections easier to develop because I will say I have experienced that lately too.
Every day I feel like I am cycling through every possible feeling, from sorrow to anger to joy to peace to hope. That’s what is happening right now, who I am and what I am doing is just that, living through it all. It’s all okay, and it won’t always be like this, and that’s okay too. I lost some armor, I’m gaining new strength. It is both painful and beautiful to be forced from the cocoon.
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You are a writer, have been for the twenty years -or how ever old Riley is, his suspicious eyebrows are my earliest memories of your blog- that I’ve been reading you. And congratulations on becoming the butterfly many of us already knew you to be.
Love this!
You are a writer. I have always seen you as a writer and I keep hoping you will just write books and many many books.
Your story, many stories deserve to be read, praised and purchase. You deserve to be honoured for your work as a writer.
Women whether divorced or single definitely are in a category of their own. You’re never part of the couple and always the one that’s alone and that can be both comforting at times because some marriages suck. Sometimes though it also sucks being alone and those are the times when not being part of a couple feels heavy.
Been on both ends.
I was about to recommend you say “I’m in transition” as a way to recognize the complex nature of this time for you but those words mean something much more specific now. “I’m in a period of metamorphosis”? “I’m working on some self-discovery projects”? Maybe just talk about the things you’re currently passionate about. I don’t ask people what they do anymore because the question is so narrowly limited to profession and doesn’t necessarily tell me much about who they are. I ask people what they’re passionate about or, if I’m specifically interested in their job, I’ll ask how they make their way in the world. Anyway, you get to navigate the complexities of this big life change in whatever way that suits you, and explain as little or a lot of it whatever way feels right in the moment.
I ask people what they like to do, not what they do for work. That being said, if i met someone who said they work (volunteer work is work!) in hospice care and they write, I would think what a cool person. And kudos on a low-impact life! Where has high impact life seeking gotten us? Climate catastrophe, vapid celebrity worship and a reality show president. It’s hard to be vulnerable in this world. I admire you so much!
I have NOTHING to add to your post other than my great support for you (from afar) and my great admiration for your ability to see and write so clearly.
No amazing, witty insight to write here. Chiming in to say that it does suck that women are defined/have to explain ourselves in terms our relationship to men and children, as their girlfriends/wives or our motherhood status. Divorce highlights that. The monologe at the end of the Barbie movie had so many good bits in it about the contradictions of expectations for career and motherhood, etc. Again, no real point here, but I’m going to go watch that again. Ha.
Divorced woman here, got divorced 13 years ago. I do remember it feeling like you described it, back then, but now I feel more single than divorced (and while that has its own set of stereotypes at the age of 46, it does feel like it puts the accent more one the possibilities of living life on your own rather than “not being part of a couple anymore.”)
Also, when I was unemployed for a while, I told anybody who asked what my job was that I was a cat whisperer. After all, I spent a LOT of time talking to my cats! Mostly people were just interested in how I learned to speak with cats, and those who asked if it made me any money got the answer “not enough yet.” No lies were told, and it definitely got me into some fun conversations!
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and my conclusion is that a lot of us are recovering Cool Girls. The Cool Girl monologue from Gone Girl (and also from the book) is such a mood. I’m sick of trying to please men, especially when said men can just go out and find a newer, bouncier Cool Girl. Fuck em. You are a person with your own hopes and dreams and inherent worth, don’t let the small talk categories define you. <3
It’s an excellent flag of how we think of ourselves and others — and yet it super sucks to be in your place with this unwanted pity/sorrow. I think every possible feeling is where you are and where you need to be. Thanks for sharing; I agree you are a writer.
I’m about a year ahead of you in this process. Divorced at 51 after a 25 year marriage. We bought this giant, expensive house and I found out 3 weeks later that he’d been having an affair for 6 months. Record scratch!!! He “didn’t want to get divorced” and bought the house because he “had hope for our family”. But he didn’t want to be much of a husband either.
Anyway- two years later and life is incredible! I just have so much more peace and it feels like I have one less child. Highly recommend!
Long ago, someone suggested to me that I ask, “What keeps you busy these days?” in lieu of “What do you do?” It has been one of the best pieces of advice that I’ve ever gotten, and it’s led to so many rich conversations. People are usually so happy to talk about what makes them happy!