Nov
15
I think/hope it is not too revealing to say I am not having the divorce experience I had expected. I thought it would be friendlier, that things would of course be very different but that we would still communicate as parents and do things as a differently-shaped family. That is simply not at all how things are or have been and therefore I am having a different parenting experience than I had hoped for, and that is really difficult. This last year of Dylan being home before college isn’t looking like I’d wanted and that is so hard, full stop.
I do think everyone else is pretty okay, though. You know? Which is good. And this is life, it unfolds the way it does against our wishes sometimes. I can’t change what is so I have to work with it. There are a lot of wonderful things going on and I have to lean into gratitude while still feeling the grief. Resentment is the poison in my own cup.
It seems normal to have a lot of Big Feelings these days as time goes on and I adjust more to this new life. It seems okay to feel bad that it’s not how I’d hoped it would be. My default programming is to blame myself for every bit of pain but I’m working to sit with it, let pain come to the table and just be. Yeah, this is painful, and it doesn’t mean I fucked up or that I’m a bad person — it’s just fucking painful.
The holidays are not going to be easy this year, but I am telling myself this is the hardest year. This is the worst most difficult year and it will not be this freshly-uprooted next year, I will be more stable and grounded and it will get better. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel bad, it’s not something I need to run from or try to numb out. A heart that hurts is a heart that works, as our queen Juliana Hatfield sang.
But oh! The decorations in the stores, the happy-family portrayals in the ads, it’s a lot. One foot after the other, deep breaths. Goddamn.
Sometimes it seems like I was doing better at the beginning of all of this, I felt like I was able to ride out the fast-moving chaos of separation without too many breakdowns and now I’m in my Constantly On the Verge of Tears era. And maybe it’s not the best idea to publicly blog my way through it, I don’t know. I do feel like it helps to write it out and share, I know I’m not alone in my experiences and there has always been something healing about bringing the hurt into the open air. Here it is for you to see, maybe it means something to you to know about it. Maybe knowing that we all carry heavy loads is a way for us to hold each other up. Lighten the weight.
I wish I had a pithy wrapup here but I don’t. If you’re in your own tender season, I see you. We’ll get through this, and it’ll be okay. It’s all okay, even the things that aren’t okay.
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I think it’s great you’re writing your way through this. Although I’m not divorced, I have absolutely had dark times of This Is Not How I Thought It Would Go. It’s hard, plain and simple. Anything that helps you get through it without doing harm is necessary. God, the mommy blogs helped me keep my sanity even when I couldn’t directly relate. It’s just so helpful to know we are all humans surviving these difficult days. I do think you’re right and this will be the hardest year, so being gentle with yourself is the right move!
My parents got divorced when I was a little older than your kids and while that first holiday was hard, it somehow felt a little bit like the last scene in the Grinch — “He hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming, it came! Somehow or other, it came just the same.” It was still Christmas and yes, the years that followed were easier. (As an aside, of course I have no idea how your particular situation is unfolding but I was much less kindly inclined towards the parent who moved on to a new partner very quickly. I still love them both and many things have transpired in the 25 years that have now passed but pretending like you never really loved the other person and can just move on right away? Yeah that isn’t great from a kid’s perspective.)
Divorces never really go the way we hope they will, and in a way reinforces that divorce is the right thing for some couples.
Some people do not deserve us, our good intentions, our good gestures, patience, understanding and constant blaming of ourselves. Think about how much power and control someone has when we default to “self blame”. When we take on that heaviness and responsibility on ourselves rather than sharing it. Guess what? Not everything is our fault.
If we’re programmed to think it’s our fault, our partner or ex is a large part of that.
Please remember you are not the issue. You are doing well. You will do well. You will be okay.
This is a season and seasons pass. Some days are really hard and some seasons suck, but you will be ok.
And I’m just going to say this, I feel like we’ve all thought this throughout the many years – your ex just plain sucks and seems like a super hard man to please. Doesn’t matter what you could have done to accomodate him post divorce he’d still be a douche to you in the end and want to make things hard. That’s who he is. Yes he is all the good things you experienced, but also all the not so good things.
Also sometimes men just suck after divorce and turn into total jerks. I’ve seen this time and time in my work and again it goes back to they’ve lost power and control and will fight tooth and nail to have some semblance of control.
I hope that knowing I’m holding you in my heart – so many of us are – helps to lift you up and carry you through. Sending love and strength.
Thinking of you and glad you are finding some comfort in writing.
I’m three years out and still working on letting the pain in – I’ve learned that it’s coming in no matter what, and if I acknowledge it, it’s ever so slightly more tolerable. Finding gratitude in the tiniest things has helped change my perspective – I can watch whatever I want and sit wherever I want and eat whatever I want. There is freedom and peace in that. Being more intentional in my relationship with my kid has been good for both of us – the assumptions and ‘goes without saying’ are now vocalized and expressed.
You will never be replaced. You are the one and only amazing mother your sons have, and they will always love you. You’re resilient and strong and showing the world what life is really like, warts and all. Keep taking care of yourself, every day is a step towards really being YOU. And you’ve got this. 🩷
God, your writing is just so helpful to me, sometimes I can’t believe how you articulate something I am trying to work on for myself exactly. I often give myself little pep talks that quote you. Thank you! “All the best” seems pithy but seriously, all and only the best for you in this tender season.
I often think about how this is the first time in human history that women have been able to share their struggles publicly, commiserate, and get advice and support from the sisterhood. I am glad for your words. My biological family dispersed long ago, and the holiday cheer can sometimes bring a little sting for me. I have also been trying to sit with my feelings and learn to detach from them a bit. I hope you find new, unexpected joys this holiday and a spring renewal.
I’m sorry it’s so hard right now, and I hope it’s a comfort that it really is for now and that’s it. This will be the first and the worst and then it will get better. I never have the holiday that it seems like everyone else is having, and it’s a comfort for me to know that Everyone is Lying. It’s hard for everyone, which is not to diminish the specific pain you are feeling but honestly – it’s my goal to NOT be like everyone else because the status quo is a lie! Hang in there.
I’ve heard advice along the lines of, ‘You can’t control what other people do. You should let that go and just worry about what you can do.’ Yet, that’s so hard in practice. You obviously care so much about your boys. That matters.
I think Carla Hinkle’s Grinch quote is just so perfect; I’m saying it to myself and I hope these comments heal your heart the way you sharing your journey heals and helps all of us. Thank you for sharing, and I’m so sorry it’s harder than anticipated. Isn’t that life, though? I feel like life’s slogan should be “this is going to be harder than you anticipated” — marriage, children, everything …
I am a firm believer and big advocate for sharing the good, bad, ugly, sad. I think we’re meant to share, both to learn from one another, and to be reminded that we are never really having a singular human experience – whatever it is, someone else has likely survived it or something like it at some point somewhere. Putting your story out there helps build those points of connection, which is a beautiful and much-needed thing in the world. I had a Big Terrible Life Phase a handful of years ago, and if I hadn’t had places to write about it – both for the healing release airing it out provides, as you mention, and for the tiny microdoses of support I received in return – it would have been so much harder to endure.
I have been reading your words for well over 20 years now, and what I know like I know like I know is you are going to be better than okay. I am actually exceptionally intrigued to see what the universe serves up in your world over the course of the next few years, so I almost selfishly hope you continue to share your journey with us. I just have the feeling something magnificent is on its way. You’ve certainly earned it.
Rooting for you endlessly.
Your husband was a jerk, there was never a story you told that made me think I needed ‘another side.’ Love your sons, love yourself and forge yourself a new future centered around that.
I am so glad you are writing your way through this. I hang on every word.
I am sorry to hear it is not as it could be. It’s one of the things I am afraid of. Your balance and perspective have me like that gif of a guy from Office Space taking notes.
This is the worst most difficult year.
I’m sorry things don’t look the way you’d hoped they’d look. That’s really hard, especially as we head into the holiday season. Your relationship with your ex may mellow as time goes by. Right now, you’re still in the initial transition where, in my experience, things tend to be the most raw and sharp. There may very well be some comfort and ease between the two of you in the future as some of the jagged divorce edges get worn down by time.
Rooting for you, always.
I went through my divorce when I was in my 30s and my kids were still small. I moved in with my parents and my ex moved in with the woman he went on to marry after me. The weekends when my tiny kids had to go over there made me so sad.. but we all know that time itself will not be stopped and it certainly does march on, no matter how we feel about it. You’ll come out on the other side stronger and will find new comfort, happiness and routines. Hang in there!
When my kids were babies and crying I would hold them and sing a song that was just me gently singing “it’s ok” over and over. I came to realize one day I was singing to me as much as to them. Sometimes I still sing it to myself in my head. Love your writing and your determination. Wishing you the thanksgiving you need, this year.
I found you over 20 years ago. I was newly separated, and trying to come to terms with my impending divorce. That is a saga for another day. I had 3 young children, and my thoughts and things I did centered on them-making sure that their new normal was as normal as could be. I couldn’t imagine what things would be like far into the future. I could only take things one day at a time, one hour at a time sometimes. I dreaded the schedules, the shared time, what the holidays would look like.
I I wrote. I wrote a lot. Just for myself. I still have all the things I wrote. They’re packed away. Not sure if I’ll ever read them again, but it helped. It helped me find the path through the weirdness, through the sadness, and through the anger. The beginning was hard. Shenanigans I never imagined my ex capable of were played. I stayed true to myself. I stayed true to the person I wanted to be.
My kids are all adulting, and doing really well. Because they were so young, I kept my mouth shut a lot, and tried really hard not to disparage their father. I told myself over and over, “he is teaching them exactly who he is. He is having exactly the kind of relationship with them he wants to have.” Years later, it’s true. They talk about things now, and finally, I think it’s OK to have conversations about certain topics they bring up.
I I was the first person in my family to get divorced. It was quite a journey. I thought at first that I had failed. Tremendous amounts of guilt. But here I am, 20+ years later, and I don’t have those feelings any longer. I also think that no matter how much someone tells us they want an “amicable” divorce, it just isn’t possible. I hope you continue to write. If not for public consumption, for yourself.