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Shouldn't be naughty, yet somehow is!


Still no new photo? Then do not fear the STAR-NOSED MOLE.

Monday, June 20, 2005

After weeks and weeks of schizophrenic - no, Tourette's-style weather ("hey!....rainy! cold, cold, grey - sunny! SHIT PUSSY-PUSSY ASSHOLE! grey, cold, HOT! SUNNY, rainy, cloudy...wow! wow! COCKHOLE!"), things have settled into a summertime groove the last couple of days and it is retina-searingly glorious outside. The skies are freshly blued and crystal clear, the mountains postcard-perfect, and the lakes are sparkling and smooth and dotted with sailboats piloted by rich ex-Microsofties whose sole purpose in life during the warm months is making the rest of us morning commuters sick with jealousy as we cross the bridge towards our non-boat-centric jobs.

In celebration of the 80-plus temperatures we're supposed to hit today I wore a sundress that's super comfortable in hot weather, which almost makes up for its disturbing number of pink and yellow stripes (curse your relentless cheeriness, maternity wear!); unfortunately, the Kleenex-thin fabric resulted in a very bad moment for me this morning during a stiff breeze. Think Marilyn Monroe, only without the subway grate, fantastic thighs, or coquettish expression. It was, and I can't emphasize this in large enough caps, EMBARRASSING AS HELL. The public is not ready for this jelly, dammit.

I don't plan on allowing my clothing to betray me so deeply ever again, but at least my legs weren't fishbelly white - thanks to the remnants of a Hawaii tan, and the helping hand of Jergens "Natural Glow" moisturizer. Maybe you've heard of this product? It's been enjoying a freakish level of viral marketing, from messageboards to blogs to People magazine, and for a long-ass time there was a nationwide inventory shortage (either accidental on Jergens' part or fiendishly, diabolically purposeful) and despite all the hype you couldn't find the stuff anywhere.

I'm a big fan of experimenting with internet-pimped beauty goo (Soap, anyone?), and the annoying fact that the Natural Glow was missing from every drugstore on earth made me briefly - well, I'll admit it - obsessed. I looked online, I went to Bartell's, I went to Fred Meyer's, I went to Walgreen's, only to be confronted with the same empty shelf space. Worst of all, I had to endure 482945 stale masturbation-related jokes from JB (who knew Jergens was the high school jackoff lotion of choice?) as I dragged him from store to store.

The anticlimactic end to GlowQuest '05 wasn't a last minute winning eBay bid, or a dusty bottle found hidden in the shampoo aisle, but rather a sudden glut of new product on display at our local Bartell's. In a fit of optimism, I bought two bottles, thinking that maybe I could sell one and retire if it ever goes out of stock again.

My verdict? It's pretty good. It's got some of that self-tanner odor, which as moisturizer scents go is less preferable to me than the "Gee, you smell like a stripper!" coconut Body Butter I normally slather on, but after a few days with it I do notice a subtle boost to my normal color. And no streaking, maybe because it lubes up any dry spots. And speaking of lube, if you're a fan of Jergens for the more, um, "old school" application purposes, just think: tan manparts!

(Forgive me, I promise never to use the word "manparts" in this journal ever again. I do not, however, make the same claim about "manties".


Well, this week is my 27th week of pregnancy, which moves me officially into the third trimester. And just by the way, HOLY FUCKING SHIT to that little factoid.

I've been feeling pretty good, really. During my prenatal appointment last week I learned I was a few pounds under the average weight gain so far, which made me stupidly happy and a smidge less guilty about the vast number of Whole Fruit Creamsicles I have consumed recently. I've been sleeping well at night, other than the hourly bathroom visits. My skin has been uncharacteristically calm and - here's the amazing part - completely rosacea-free. I have yet to experience leg cramps, stretch marks, or consistent heartburn, and the sciatica and headaches are a distant memory, knock wood and say thankya.

I do feel heavy, though. My feet ache and my hips complain after I walk even short distances, and I huff and puff like a leaking bagpipe. My knees snap, crackle and pop when I bend down, and I grunt sexily when heaving myself off the couch. My stomach seems squashed, or at any rate almost any meal makes me feel ridiculously overstuffed and burpy (you'd think I'd eat smaller, daintier meals then, right? OH HO HO! NEIN!).

Small complaints, though, to be sure. 27 weeks! Two days until our hospital birth center tour, one week until the infamous glucose test, eight days until we hopefully get a peek at the bebe, three weeks until childbirth classes start, and thirteen weeks, give or take, until we become parents. Oh...oh man.

PS. I wonder if they include "Communicating With Your Partner" during the childbirth classes?

-----Original Message-----

From: me
Sent: Monday, June 20, 2005 2:36 PM
To: JB
Subject: Block off next Tuesday morning!

9 AM appt to see our kid. <http://www.babypicturesultrasound.com/4d.htm>


From: JB
Subject: RE: Block off next Tuesday morning!
Date: June 20, 2005 2:42:47 PM PDT
To: me

Cool; OK. What time?

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