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A wee JB.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Not to go all Garfield on you or anything, but man...Mondays really suck the old hairy root. Especially glorious warm sunny summer-is-finally-here-thank-jebus Mondays like today, a day that's just begging for hooky and picnics and lake kayaking and a whole shitload of that trashy-smelling Hawaiian Tropic coconut suntan goo. When you live in the Pacific Northwest you learn to truly appreciate beautiful weather when it comes around, but the downside is the resentment and guilt you experience for having to spend any significant amount of time indoors because it could totally start raining ANY MINUTE NOW and OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING IN HERE WHEN IT IS SO NICE OUT, etc.

Yesterday we took Dog swimming at the off-leash park in Redmond, and lordy, it was hott out therre. I don't know how people deal with pregnancy in crazy hot-ass states where the high nineties is considered balmy, because I was sweating in places that I frankly did not know had the ability to secrete moisture and it was only eighty degrees or so. Then again, I could have been overheated from my titillating pre-park conversation with JB:

JB: Where do you want to go this afternoon?
Me: Let's do D.P.!
JB: (sniggering) D.P.? Dude, that is so porn sounding.
Me: What? I just don't want to say (whispering) dog park around Dog.
Me: Oh, great. Also, "D.P." is not porn.
JB: Basically, you just said "Let's do double penetration!"
Me: Get down. I can't believe you think D.P. stands for "double penetration".
JB: Hey, I wasn't the one who said it. You're the dirty one here.
Me: Arghhhhh! I meant DOG PARK!
Dog: (explodes)

In other weekend-activity news, I decided that I wanted to make my own baby announcements. I didn't have that many I needed to send out, I reasoned - just enough for the Luddite relatives - and the cards I found online that I liked cost almost $5 per announcement. Surely I could do just as good of a job at home! I could save money, and be all crafty and artistic at the same time!

You know where this is going, right?

I spent almost fifty bucks at the craft store just buying a "few" supplies, spent half an evening covered in glue and ink, and produced exactly one sorry-ass looking card with a giant thumbprint smudge on it. The button that I adhered to the front of the card (for a 'cute as a' theme - what? Are you....barfing over there? Shut up!) fell off, the tiny footprint stamp refused to play nice with the vellum and smeared, the hole punch didn't reach far enough on the card to attach the birth info like I wanted, and overall, it was just a REALLY BAD IDEA. What was I thinking, that I'd have time to hunch over a pile of homemade freaking cards after the baby was born, using my trembling, sleep-deprived fingers to tie on little ribbons and attach photos and shit? Also, isn't there another crafty project I am supposed to be working on?

(God, I hate craft stores. They're nothing but a big tease - aisle after aisle of materials that convince you that a custom-beaded glitter marabou sticker-encrusted glass mosaic project is totally within your abilities...and then you get the whole mess home and you're reminded that there's a reason most crap you buy is already, like, assembled.)

After my failed DIY (double...in your...?) idea, I poked around on a pregnancy messageboard to see if there was anything on baby announcements, and stumbled across a thread with the subject "What should I expect to get from my baby shower?" - the gist being that some woman wanted to make sure she got the things she wanted. I won't copy in ALL the tacky replies, but here are a couple:

Also I told my sister, who is throwing the shower, that if I get a ton of clothes they are all going back since I already have plenty...

I have checked my registry because I am way too much of a planner and was really upset that almost nothing had been purchased!

I don't know why I keep looking at this website, it almost always makes me crazy with its members' overuse of acronyms like "DH" (double...hump?) and the abundance of seizure-triggering blinky countdown tickers ("Only 80,640 seconds to go!"), but that particular thread might just have finally done it for me. How ungrateful can you get, anyway? I should send some of those people one of my lovely handmade cards, is what I should do.

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