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"I don't know WHY he has such a hard time sleeping - just keeps crying and pointing at his octopus picture." | Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Now, can we please get back to discussing more important topics, like the exact circumference and texture of my freakish pregnant nipples! And the peeing-when-coughing thing! And my bottomless capacity for various frozen desserts on a stick! Ha ha! I'm just kidding. It's actually sneezing that sometimes makes me pee. ::: I could use some advice: when do you think I should stop wearing my wedding rings? I mean, they're getting pretty snug. In fact, to get them off (har!) I use lube. That's right, I lube my finger in order to pry off my jewelry. With a product called "Slippery Stuff". Shut up. Anyway, I hate hate hate to go ringless, but I guess I'd also hate to have them sawed off a sausagey, near-gangrenous finger. Maybe I should buy a cheap silver band in a larger size, or something? Or just take advantage of my apparent singleness and flirt outrageously with every male I see (lasciviously thrusting my rotund midsection around, huskily asking if they'd like to see my linea nigra)? As for the fantastic toe ring I bought in Hawaii, ain't no way, Jack. I tried that sucker on a while ago, and this little piggy? Needs to go to the market - for LIPOSUCTION. Stupid Stay-Puft appendages. Boy, I guess I forgot to add "water retention" to my topic list up there! Next up: VAGINAL SECRETIONS! Or....not. ::: Dog and Cat both have an alarm planted in their teeny little Skittle-sized brains that goes off every morning around 5 AM announcing that THE TIME FOR EATING IS NOW. The dog starts gallumping around the bedroom, panting and whimpering and whapping her tail on everything; the cat starts howling from her basket in the utility room - nobody will shut their fur-holes until the Purina has been divvied out. Lately I've been the one to get up and tend to the herd, since I always, always have to pee anyway, but this morning I just burrowed deeper into the covers until JB finally grunted his way out of bed. Thank god for instincts, that's all I have to say, because when JB came back he announced that the cat had taken a shit in the dog food container. First thing in the morning, and he's confronted with a fresh turd sitting on top of the kibble. Wakey wakey! Eggs-n-bakey! While I'm sure Dog would have simply considered it an exotic breakfast treat, JB had to spend some time separating feces from Lamb & Rice nuggets - which, uggggh. That 4:30 bathroom visit? Saved my ass, by god. ::: Other than dwelling on the irrefutable proof that there are just too many jackasses in the world, I've been in a ridiculously good mood lately, for these reasons and more: • The cheesy awesomeness of Weezer's "This Is Such A Pity" blaring in my iPod ("not this hate that destroooooooyyssss ussssssssss").
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