May
8
To Dylan: If you keep refusing to sleep, even though you are bone-tired and yawning and rubbing your eyes, it will make you act even more horribly than you are, which is pretty fucking horrible. You don’t want to eat, you don’t want to be held, and you sure as shit don’t want to be put down, and the noise spiraling from your cry-hole is making my eardrums bleed. DO NOT LIKE.
To Riley: You know what? When you randomly drop toys all over the house all day long, you are bound to lose something. No, I don’t know where the hell your tiny plastic ladder is, and I’m sorry life has become such a shit sandwich as a result but I am frankly sick and tired of hearing about it. Is it really worth all the screaming? The loud, loud screaming? Your wailing and garment-rending is even more brain-burningly annoying than your brother’s, and I am seriously considering cramming both of you in the outgoing mail with “SIBERIA: OUTER” stamped on your asses.
What time is it? Why, I believe it’s ENFORCED NAPTIME. Booyah, motherfuckers:
May
7
Quarantine
Filed Under Uncategorized | 97 Comments
Riley is sick: feverish, coughing, draped bonelessly over furniture with great unhappy anime eyes. He is utterly miserable, and so of course our household has been plunged into a state of bleak distress. I vaguely remember a time Before The Illness where the sounds of laughing children were heard and meals were consumed and the adults went about their business with smiles rather than grey, shadowed faces, but it already seems as though our current routine of wiping snot, tears, and grimly administering useless doses of fever reducer has become inescapable—like this is what parenthood is going to be like from here on out. Caring for depressed, consumptive toddlers who require 3 AM All Your Laundry Are Belong to Us Tylenol-barf cleanups. WOE.
Dylan thus far has remained illness-free but I can only assume he too will succumb, and then the adults will absorb the childrens’ germs and transform the symptoms into something even more disgusting in our clunky grownup bodies, like geysering arterial jets of blood from our eyesockets, and then there will be nothing left to do but burn our house down.
I am feeling maybe a little despairing today, can you tell? I wish it was sunny outside. And that I had a gallon of peppermint ice cream. With Xanax sprinkles.
In other news, I am kind of looking into hiring a nanny. We’re not unhappy with our daycare, but I’ve been thinking more and more that it might be nicer to have someone come to our house instead. There are pros and cons to both situations, really, and it may be that we simply can’t afford a nanny, even on the part-time basis we need, but you know, I’m checking it out.
So have any of you hired a caregiver before? I could use some help thinking of the right questions to ask. Also, if it turns out the right person is a young college student who can only work for us between now and fall, do you think that would be worthwhile, as long as we had a back-up plan when they start up school again (ie, hiring someone new or holding a spot at daycare)?
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