Apr
9
I’ve had some really good days lately, starting last week helping with a family grief support group (sounds distressing, I know, but I was with a group of hopped-up kids and the vibe was far less Big Bleak Bummer and more Full-Scale Pint-Sized Chaos Goblin), buoyed by some live music and good company, then rounded out nicely with some unseasonably warm and sunny weather.
It’s been the sort of weather that makes a person nervous to enjoy it, really. I mean, I know we get the full mixed springtime bag in Oregon, but 80’s in April is pretty wild. On the one hand, I’ve been happily soaking up the vitamin D(opamine), on the other, I’m like … am I the frog who is cluessly splashing around praising the water’s comfort as it makes its way towards boiling point?
Well, probably. But what am I going to do about that, right? I bought those stupid resuable straws, I did my part!! (Just kidding. Although I DO have some v strong butthurts over the lie foisted upon consumers that it was up to us to save the planet by guiltily scrimping on paper toweling etc while the corporations doing the actual damage continued with full toxic impunity.)
It’s sort of like how I view AI tech. Do I increasingly believe it’s going to ruin our culture and ability to believe anything we see or read and possibly kill us all, yes, do I also enjoy using its tools for all sorts of things, also yes. It’s here, it’s far beyond my ability as one person to effect its advance in any way. May as well lie out in the deadly laser sunshine/ask ChatGPT how to fix my disconnected CarPlay.
Maybe it’s due to the surge in warm temps and/or being outside so much, but I’ve also been in full-scale histamine overkill the last two days. I would actually suspect something more serious except for how this presents, classic allergy hell of nonstop sneezing/itching nose/itching and watery eyes. THE WORST. Okay, the worst is having a president who openly declares his intent to commit genocide (wtf wtf wtf the whole world is shoulder-deep in a cycle of abuse by this dipshit psycho), but shitty allergies are no fun either. I don’t remember ever having so much trouble with allergies so perhaps that is something else that aging surprises you with. “Welcome to 52! Now your legs are saggy and breathing air makes you want to claw your face off!”
I am tired of blowing my nose for sure but it is worth it to have spent so much time enjoying my backyard. The yard was one place that still didn’t really feel like mine — aside from a bit of planting last fall, it had no personality to speak of. Now there are more flowers, container pots here and there, and some inexpensive places to sit and lounge. I’ve discovered that it’s a very quiet place, with no neighbors seeming to be in their own yards that touch up against mine. It’s different from my previous yard, smaller with less privacy, fewer trees, more far-off road noise. It’s got a lot of unpretty power lines strung overhead. The lawn is in a deathfight between grass and dandelions and the weeds are surging ahead.
But it is MINE, all mine. I was out there all weekend for the most part, with Billy hanging out nearby on his harness. Sunshine overhead, music playing from my little speaker. A yard full of potential, with some well-established plants and plenty of room for more. All up to me to decide how I want it to grow over time.
Apr
6
A few years ago I bought two tickets for a Father John Misty concert here in Eugene. I didn’t have anyone to go with me, but I figured I might be able to find someone, and failing that, I could gift the ticket to someone in waiting in line or something.
Then the day approached and I still didn’t have someone to go with me and I was like that’s fine I can do this, I can go to a show on my own, and then it was the day itself and I did not go. I just … couldn’t muster the gumption. I got in my head about it and the effort of going started to feel insurmountable and that was that, two wasted tickets, and I was SO mad at myself about it.
He came back to town last Thursday and this time, I was there. With a friend, in excellent balcony seats that offered both a great view and place to sit. It was an incredible show start to finish, even the songs I was lukewarm about sounded terrific, and my favorites — Mr. Tillman, Hollywood Forever Cemetary, Ideal Husband — were just next level. The lights, the set, his band, it was all so good.
It felt like the best do-over. Maybe the actual best would have been to go by myself, to prove that I can in fact do that (and I’m pretty confident I would have), but it was really nice to share the experience. And frankly I was glad to not be alone when we got to our seats and there were people in them, who showed us their ticket with full confidence and I was like fuuuuuuuuuck, because my tickets had come from StubHub, and the venue has all these grumpy statements on their website about not being able to endorse tickets from third party sellers, and of course I figured I had bought fake tickets and NOW what??* Thankfully an usher was able to determine that the other people were in the wrong section and so I did not have to 1) engage in any sort of conflict with anyone or 2) slink away in adject humillation.
(*Actually, the now what would have been to use the two additional cheaper general admission tickets I bought as a backup in case the StubHub situation was a no-go. This time around, I was taking no chances.)
Last summer I went with Dylan to see ZZ Top at an outside venue, and that was pretty fun. Great people watching, a few songs that were nostalgic for me. But aside from that I think the last show I’d seen was maybe 10 years ago? More?
I felt so alive last week, filled with a crackling kind of energy from being around so many people who were just as into the music as I was. Singing along, bodies moving. A collective feeling. Probably many of you have actually been to concerts and shows in recent times and you’re like yeah no shit Sherlock have you tried drinking water too because wow the wetness might just blow you away, but it had been so long and also maybe I am just starved for any sort of feeling of group alignment.
I felt both older, in the sense that I was remembering being a young person at shows and having the energy to be in the front jostling with the crowd and the willingness to have my eardrums blown out by the speaker proximity, and also weirdly ageless? Like for those couple hours I could just lose myself to instruments and voices and vibes and forget that I am a crumbling stack of rapidly-expiring warranties who now takes a fiber supplement in the morning.
All to say, it was such a wonderful experience and now I have something to add to the various bucket-list goals I have for my golden years — pet a cabybara, ride an Icelandic horse in the tölt gait, visit a heavily cat-infested place such as Instanbul, get myself into the yoga crow position without breaking my nose, and for heaven’s sake SEE MORE LIVE MUSIC.
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