Jan
30
It is hard to get out of a loop of wishing things were different than they are.
When I used to visit with my hospice patient Isabelle, something I often did was to use a little cuticle oil pen on her nails. It was something I carried in my purse, just this almond oil pen dispenser with a brush at the tip. She always liked it; I would paint the oil on her nails then rub it in, one by one, until she would admire her shiny nails and I would do my own. It felt like a little manicure session, a tiny bit of luxury, and because she was not able to remember, each time it was equally delightful. Her surprise at how it worked, her pleasure. When I last saw her, when she lay dying in bed and I held her sweet small fragile hand, I wanted so badly to do her nails, and I went digging and digging in my purse and the pen was gone. It was just gone and I haven’t found it since, somehow it disappeared and when I most wanted it I could not use it to paint dear Isabelle’s nails one final time. And I wished over and over for that not to be true, for my last visit to have included the small gesture of rubbing oil into her fingers, or maybe that I would have simply asked for some moisturizer, that would have gladly been given to me, I wish I would have done that but I did not. I didn’t have the pen and I just held her hand and that was okay, I know, but also I wish it had been different.
I wish so many things were different. I wish the election had been different. I wish my divorce was different. I wish my boys were chatty texters who cannot stop themselves from sending me many pictures from their days. I wish my mom and aunt lived closer. I wish that when I gain weight it would go somewhere other than my waist and boobs. I wish if we are in the business of just erasing truths and laws we could go ahead and get rid of daylight savings. I wish AI was being incorporated in truly useful ways and not just shoved willy-nilly into nook and cranny of humanity. I wish the social networks that algorithmically drive our opinions and actions were being run by relatable human beings. I wish guns simply did not exist. I wish delicous salty nuts did not have so very many calories. I wish owning a horse wasn’t so expensive. I wish our cultural beauty standards driven by capitalism would evaporate. I wish avocados and bananas had a lengthier ripeness stage. I wish mouthbreathing idiots would stop loudly confusing global warming with cold temperatures. I wish my cat could live forever.
Anyway. It is often hard to get out of the loop, and I wish it wasn’t.
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Me too, to all of it.
I wanted to add one of my Coping Thoughts, in case it helps, which sometimes it does not at all. Sometimes, in situations such as the cuticle oil pen, I will say to myself that it would not have been Right for the moment. I will tell myself that if I had used the cuticle oil pen at that time, it would have distressed her, for whatever reason, which of course would have distressed me. And so the pen was gone, to avoid that distress. I pretend to myself that there are Good Forces that intervene to try to prevent pain and upset.
I was thinking about how much I hate ai and realized that i hate it most of all because it’s being used to lie and manipulate when it could be used to discover/uncover truth.
As awful as it is, as much as I hate it and wish I weren’t waking every day hoping for specific obituaries, I take comfort in knowing we have each other, that there are too many of us to kidnap, detain and shoot. This larger “we” will defeat the fascist and end their cruelty.. They will not prevail. To get myself out of the loop, I try to watch some comedy before bedtime. This week I watched, “Mel Brooks: the 99-year-old man” and “George Carlin’s American Dream” – two documentaries by Judd Apatow. Can also recommend, “The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling”, aslo by Apatow. Three brilliant, funny and complex men, who represent the best of America.
Geez, I need to check spelling and grammar before posting…ugh.
I try to do the same. I was gutted when I heard about Catherine O’Hara.
I agree with everything!! (Except I do sort of like the out-of-the-ordinary event of the Daylight/Standard time change twice a year.)
I feel the same. If it’s any consolation, my daughter goes incommunicado for weeks at a time. I’ll invite her to game night or spontaneous family dinner, and she’ll respond the morning of with, “Looking forward to it, what can I bring?” She’s always been like this. I used to take it personally. Now I tease her that she is a crazy old cat lady at the ripe age of 29. If only her cat could text.
I also wish so many things were different, or that things were easier to change.