Oct
1
Life has really been coming fast lately and I feel like there are too many things to catch up on but I’ll tell you about two big changes: new car, new kitten.
First – the new ride. I had been hoping to drive my 2004 Touareg until it simply crumbled to dust; I don’t really know why I was so doggedly loyal to that car. It just always felt like Too Much to consider something new, even as the repair bills piled up.
I had a really obnoxious experience with the local VW place several months back involving $5K in labor/parts and a full MONTH of them keeping the car, it was more than the car was actually worth but I was so hopeful that would be it for a long time. But right after I moved out and was in the midst of full-scale Separation Logistics/Woes, the engine light came on. Very et tu I must say. The same frustrating service department told me it was going to be another $3K and at that point I just walked my ass to the nearest dealership (literally, my house is less than a mile from like 4 car sales places) and the first thing I laid eyes on was a Ford Bronco. No research, no plans, just going on VIBES, this is surely the worst way on earth to buy a car but I can’t tell you how incapable I felt of anything else. I had a really decent sales guy, a little goofy but not pushy or slimy, and I drove a couple different models and I settled on this one:
I mean. Isn’t she GORGEOUS???? This is a 2025 Bronco Sport Heritage edition in Ruby Red and I love her. Looks great, feels great, gets better gas mileage, has fancy CarPlay so my phone just automagically connects, all the things. I don’t know that I got the best deal ever but I got through it without the discomfort of too much haggling and that feels worth it. It is such an insane upgrade I kind of can’t believe I waited so long, but I have it now. Now is a real good time for big and small delights, so it was perfect timing. I traded in my old car for peanuts, I could have sold it myself for a bit more money but it was also worth it just to bless that Touareg for the good years and walk away.
The other new addition to my life is Billy. LOOK AT THIS GUY:
I have always loved Maine Coons and never thought I would own one, but I discovered a good breeder here in Oregon and just went for it. There was a whole process of viewing different kittens and the instant I laid eyes on him I knew I wanted him. He cost an arm and a leg and a six-hour drive and the eventual destruction of everything I own and he is worth all of that and more. He is one hundred percent priceless honestly and again came into my life at the exact right time. I received the tough news that John is dating someone while Billy the kitten was sitting directly on my heart, purring, and that was a very helpful way to begin to process that.
Billy is the sweetest most affectionate baby guy, he wants to be on me at all times. He is also an actual madman and the entire effort of sprucing up the house has ground to a halt because what’s a cat toy, EVERYTHING IS A CAT TOY. Every piece of furniture, everything I touch (he’s briefly locked away so I can type this), everything is something to be attacked and explored and it is adorable and mildly exhausting and all-consuming and I think that’s exactly what I need right now.
The big house stuff is done — painting, roof replacement, electrical upgrades, new fence, washer and dryer install — and now that I have a little breathing room it’s nice to focus on Billy and not get too mired in my feelings. The weather has changed and I can feel The Darkness looming (I need so many lamps holy shit) and some big kitten energy is a wonderful balm. I love him enormously and already can’t imagine life without him, even as I am covered head to toe in tiny claw marks. He is even better than the Bronco and that’s saying something.
This is a real challenging season with so many ups and downs but I think I’m doing okay, I’m doing my best to keep my head above water and I have so many good things going on. And now my house truly does feel like a home, like my home, mine and Billy’s. We may not always agree on how exactly fabric couches should be enjoyed but we sure do enjoy each other’s company.
Sep
6
In the Before Times (is this really how I am thinking of pre-divorce life? I don’t know, let’s just go with it for now) I really relished the rare occasions when I had the house to myself. I had a little ritual for it: once everyone was out, I’d do some cleaning. Tidy up, vacuum, un-fuck the kitchen, etc. I’d light a good-smelling candle and turn on the twinkle lights, maybe put in new batteries if there was a need. Sometimes I’d put fresh sheets on the bed. I’d stock up on delicious snacks and dither happily over what movie I wanted to watch. I’d swish through the house feeling pleased by things being locked in, you know? Like if the counter was wiped clean, it stayed wiped clean until I dropped my own crumbs on it.
I liked that I could watch whatever I wanted without worrying that someone would come strolling by the living room right when an awkwardly dirty scene was taking place in the movie, or that I could play music in the kitchen and sing along with it. I liked getting dressed with the bedroom door flung open, I liked the just me feeling of it all.
But of course that was a special sometimes event, not the default state of my life. Could it possibly be as pleasurable to be alone when you’re alone, like, all the time?
I think it is too early to weigh in on how it feels to live alone. I’ve only been living by myself for a couple weeks, and it’s been during summer. I really don’t know how dark, dreary February is going to feel. I don’t know how the holidays are going to feel. (long exhale)
So far I have been staying very occupied with getting the house in order. It sort of feels like there are infinite things to do, whether that’s cleaning the ancient oven or figuring out how best to store shoes. I don’t even have a TV yet because I’ve been busy enough that I don’t feel the desire to sit down at 7 PM like I used to and watch a show, I often bring my iPad along with me and play something as I’m breaking down cardboard or straightening up a drawer or whatever. I listen to a lot of podcasts and audiobooks.
It’s early enough days that I haven’t established a normal rhythm to life yet. Soon the painters will descend and that will be a whole chaotic thing with rooms being sealed off and so on, plus I can’t hang anything on the walls until after they’re done. The incoming washer and dryer can’t be installed until the electrical panel gets updated, which will happen in a week or so. I still need a kitchen table and a couch for the back living room. I figure once I’m on the other side of all of this setup I’ll have a better understanding of what my day to day really looks like.
All to say I am in an unusual, temporary state of being. It’s been quite satisfying and interesting to discover how I operate on my own and create little supporting ecosystems, and I can’t say I’ve been idle enough to feel lonely or restless. But eventually I suppose I will find out whether it feels good to be by myself or not. Which is uhhhh kind of scary to think about! What if I don’t feel good about it, what then?
One cheery thought that comes to mind is that I definitely will have one or more animal companions in this home. Ruby, Catinator, and Tiny Cat are all living back at the family home, they’re so used to that environment it didn’t make sense to me to demand pet custody, plus they are delightful to visit when I’m there. So I will find my way to some additional pets at some point, whether through the great and mysterious animal distribution system or the humane society. Not yet, but soon. And that will help combat loneliness, to have another living presence around, especially if it’s a loud sassy yelling furniture-destroying presence like my beloved Callie was.
I think the best way to keep on feeling a sense of delight about living alone is to continually curate it, to walk around tidying and arranging things just so and noticing how everything is just for me and appreciating that. Also, to pay attention to my own thoughts and help steer things in the right direction, inward towards gratitude and outward towards service.
My brain has not always been my very bestest most supportive and loving BFF over the years but I have learned a LOT about catching, acknowledging, and redirecting negative self talk. Poor me, all alone is pretty easily turned into look at me, living just the way I want. I sometimes think about how I never expected to be here, but that even amongst the loss of what was and what might have been, I am so thrilled to be having this experience. I am finding it so rewarding and cool to learn so many new things about myself, I could not have imagined it but here I am, living it. I am so goddamned lucky, really: I have a lovely house in a lovely neighborhood and I am healthy and capable and I have great friends and there’s so much ahead.
I’m sure there will be hard days when things feel heavy. But all the ways I will be feeling — they will be mine, just like my pink bathmat and my gorgeous new yellow fridge. Not influenced by other people’s moods or actions. I like that so much. I like the idea that my own company is enough — a rich, full, worthy life all on its own.
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