Sep

6

Less noise, more me

Filed Under Uncategorized | 3 Comments

In the Before Times (is this really how I am thinking of pre-divorce life? I don’t know, let’s just go with it for now) I really relished the rare occasions when I had the house to myself. I had a little ritual for it: once everyone was out, I’d do some cleaning. Tidy up, vacuum, un-fuck the kitchen, etc. I’d light a good-smelling candle and turn on the twinkle lights, maybe put in new batteries if there was a need. Sometimes I’d put fresh sheets on the bed. I’d stock up on delicious snacks and dither happily over what movie I wanted to watch. I’d swish through the house feeling pleased by things being locked in, you know? Like if the counter was wiped clean, it stayed wiped clean until I dropped my own crumbs on it.

I liked that I could watch whatever I wanted without worrying that someone would come strolling by the living room right when an awkwardly dirty scene was taking place in the movie, or that I could play music in the kitchen and sing along with it. I liked getting dressed with the bedroom door flung open, I liked the just me feeling of it all.

But of course that was a special sometimes event, not the default state of my life. Could it possibly be as pleasurable to be alone when you’re alone, like, all the time?

I think it is too early to weigh in on how it feels to live alone. I’ve only been living by myself for a couple weeks, and it’s been during summer. I really don’t know how dark, dreary February is going to feel. I don’t know how the holidays are going to feel. (long exhale)

So far I have been staying very occupied with getting the house in order. It sort of feels like there are infinite things to do, whether that’s cleaning the ancient oven or figuring out how best to store shoes. I don’t even have a TV yet because I’ve been busy enough that I don’t feel the desire to sit down at 7 PM like I used to and watch a show, I often bring my iPad along with me and play something as I’m breaking down cardboard or straightening up a drawer or whatever. I listen to a lot of podcasts and audiobooks.

It’s early enough days that I haven’t established a normal rhythm to life yet. Soon the painters will descend and that will be a whole chaotic thing with rooms being sealed off and so on, plus I can’t hang anything on the walls until after they’re done. The incoming washer and dryer can’t be installed until the electrical panel gets updated, which will happen in a week or so. I still need a kitchen table and a couch for the back living room. I figure once I’m on the other side of all of this setup I’ll have a better understanding of what my day to day really looks like.

All to say I am in an unusual, temporary state of being. It’s been quite satisfying and interesting to discover how I operate on my own and create little supporting ecosystems, and I can’t say I’ve been idle enough to feel lonely or restless. But eventually I suppose I will find out whether it feels good to be by myself or not. Which is uhhhh kind of scary to think about! What if I don’t feel good about it, what then?

One cheery thought that comes to mind is that I definitely will have one or more animal companions in this home. Ruby, Catinator, and Tiny Cat are all living back at the family home, they’re so used to that environment it didn’t make sense to me to demand pet custody, plus they are delightful to visit when I’m there. So I will find my way to some additional pets at some point, whether through the great and mysterious animal distribution system or the humane society. Not yet, but soon. And that will help combat loneliness, to have another living presence around, especially if it’s a loud sassy yelling furniture-destroying presence like my beloved Callie was.

I think the best way to keep on feeling a sense of delight about living alone is to continually curate it, to walk around tidying and arranging things just so and noticing how everything is just for me and appreciating that. Also, to pay attention to my own thoughts and help steer things in the right direction, inward towards gratitude and outward towards service.

My brain has not always been my very bestest most supportive and loving BFF over the years but I have learned a LOT about catching, acknowledging, and redirecting negative self talk. Poor me, all alone is pretty easily turned into look at me, living just the way I want. I sometimes think about how I never expected to be here, but that even amongst the loss of what was and what might have been, I am so thrilled to be having this experience. I am finding it so rewarding and cool to learn so many new things about myself, I could not have imagined it but here I am, living it. I am so goddamned lucky, really: I have a lovely house in a lovely neighborhood and I am healthy and capable and I have great friends and there’s so much ahead.

I’m sure there will be hard days when things feel heavy. But all the ways I will be feeling — they will be mine, just like my pink bathmat and my gorgeous new yellow fridge. Not influenced by other people’s moods or actions. I like that so much. I like the idea that my own company is enough — a rich, full, worthy life all on its own.