Dec
2
Some things that were initially very hard post-divorce have actually become delightful. For instance, when Dylan comes over. At first I really hated how he felt like a visitor as opposed to my child that I live with, and so I felt a nasty kind of internal pang when he would arrive and knock on the door or when I would say goodbye to him. But now that time has gone by and he has come and gone many times and immediately makes himself at home here, the knock is so fun! Sometimes he does it to the Terminator theme: knockknockknock knockknock. And I just feel a whoosh of happiness that he’s arrived and there’s the whole funny business of keeping Billy the escape artist at bay and nothing about it feels anything other than good. Saying goodbye is the same, it doesn’t feel like goodbye and I guess I’ll never see you again, young stranger, it’s a routine of hugs and comically checking for forgotten items and hollering LOVE LOVE! with Billycat in my arms and waving madly as he gets in his car, knowing that it won’t be long until I see him again, not long at all.
There is a real sense of quality over quantity when it comes to spending time with the boys. The loss of the everyday has not disappeared for me but it isn’t nearly as heavy as it initially felt. Boy, there was this one football game where John and I were both talking to Dylan on the field afterwards and John said “See you at home!” and took off, while I stood there and sort of felt like I was crumbling into infinity dust from the inside, and then that feeling kind of embiggened over the next few days and, well, it was dark and sad, living that truth of not being the parent who could see him at home and get the full post-game download. It’s not just losing the wet towels and kitchen counter crumbs and barely-mumbled acknowledgments, it’s losing every bit of the best stuff, just seeing him day to day, the tiny fun moments and the bigger discussions and everything in between. It is hard, period, BUT. BUT! But now it is intentional, now it is one-on-one time, now it is seeing each other in new ways and building new traditions. Now it is really beautiful, even though it is not the same.
I don’t see Riley as often — college, girlfriend, he’s 20 now whaaaaat?! — but that also feels good and intentional when I do. There is a point in parenting with a partner when the kid gets old enough that you don’t feel overwhelmed by doing it solo and it becomes something special, or at least that was my experience, and that’s how I feel all the time with them now. Like it’s special. It was also my experience that the two of them got along better when it was just us three, and that’s something I get to enjoy now too.
I am living out some ups and downs for sure but it sure feels like things are on an upswing lately. Thanksgiving was a real gift this year, far more pleasant than I’d expected, and the rest of the holidays feel much more manageable and even something to look forward to. My cards arrived and they are wonderful, and it is so cheering to think of sitting down at my little sun-drenched desk in the living room to write out addresses to the recipients I choose, how that will be such a pleasure this time around and not just another task in the endless December to-do list.
There were times during the first weeks after the initial flurry of housepainting and repairs and updates and whatnot when it felt a little yikes to be on my own, a little blue a little scary a little hooboy. Maybe I’ll feel like that again, maybe it’ll come and go, but I think I am luxuriating in it in a way I wasn’t sure would endure; a special kind of all-for-me experience that runs the spectrum from trying shuffle dance moves in the kitchen to eating precisely what I want to watching TikToks in bed with the sound on to having minimal laundry work to choosing every bit of television I want to.
There are a million nice things about living like this, I would say alone but of course I do have an adorable/maniacal fur companion, and I think the very best thing is having my own moods. The way I feel emotionally is not in a constant state of flux depending on other circumstances and that alone is actually priceless.
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