Archives from 2002-2006

Dec

23

The good cheer that came

It is astounding to me how differently I feel about this holiday season now that it’s nearly over. At the beginning of the divorce process I could not bear to think of it at all, then even several weeks ago it seemed like this big painful thing I was just going to have to endure. I would say Thanksgiving really changed things for me — not only did I have a truly wonderful time both with and without my boys, but it gave me a ton of closure. It was crystal clear to me how much everyone has moved on, and so I was able to let go of a whole lot. I was able to set down a powerful desire to rearrange things to how I thought they should be, and that has done wonders for my wellbeing.

I’ve had so many wonderful holiday experiences! I went to two different parties, one was of course the CAT PARTY and the other was a lovely hosted event at our local science center and I got to play with all the exhibits and enjoy a planetarium talk. This past Sunday a friend gave me tickets to a caroling show that she could not use, and another friend joined me and it was so gorgeous to hear such beautiful singing and see the performers’ sparkling outfits. The audience was asked to join for a few songs — sweet Silent Night being one of them — and that was so good, singing beloved holiday music with other people. I don’t think I’ve done that since I was a child.

Last night I took Dylan to a new-to-us place for dinner, fancier fare than our usual, and the food was so good and afterwards we poked around the outdoor mall a bit and all the lights were doing their thing and a nice couple took our picture after I took theirs (my favorite little mini favor exchange!):

I sent out cards, I put lights at my front door, I had someone come and hang a big wreath above my garage. I bought candy and treats just for me. I wrapped a delightful number of gifts, not so many as to be a chore but enough to have the pleasure of wrapping. I did not have a tree (BILLY) but I have a small and cheering number of decorations. I burned a Frasier fir candle all month long and I danced in my kitchen to the Kay Starr remix of I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm and I wore a little bow-shaped ring.

I bought a whole frozen dinner from Honey Baked Ham, for this was not the year I wanted to stress one bit over from-scratch cooking, and that’s what I’ll be having with my boys on Christmas Eve. I will however make biscuit monkey bread because they love it, and we’ll have some of that on Christmas Day while exchanging our gifts to each other. Later, I will go to the barn and Dylan is planning to go with me, so we will say hello to all the horses together, the best kind of present I can think of. I wish I could simultaneously be with my mom and aunt in Port Angeles, but I will be thinking of them and so looking forward to our upcoming visit in February.

Today I will go visit M at the care facility and it is good to see how they try so hard to make it festive there. He himself is Jewish but gamely participates in a few things, once we helped decorate a tree and then sat together and watched part of a holiday movie. On our last visit he was very tired and so I just sat next to his bed with him with my feet up, resting with him, and that was so nice.

I wish I could go back to myself even a few months ago and tell me how the holidays were going to be all right, better than that, they were going to be so damn good. Sometimes I think about that, how I often send reassuring or forgiving thoughts to my past selves. How it is a little woo for sure but maybe if I get quiet I can feel that any time, my own future me offering a steady hand. If only to remind me not to get too bogged down in how I think things will be or should be, but rather to let them unfold in their own ways — and to make room for all the unexpected wonders.